I can't do this anymore I don't understand why people hate me so much

[Quick99]

I had to move house because last neighbours hated me, been bullied out of 2 jobs by being ignored by everyone, school mums night out last night I wasn't invited. Today neighbours having a bbq most of the street invited except for us.
Im kind, go out of my way to help people I've often took this neighbours kids to school, am chatty and friendly.
My best friend said to not worry but I'm the common factor in all these situations I must be doing something to annoy all the collective groups of people. I feel sick and can't. Stop crying.
Just don't know why people don't like me it's breaking my heart

@Excelthetube

I think sadly in real life most people would avoid being friends with a disabled person.

What absolute toot.

Two of my coolest friends have disabilities. If people avoid them because of their disabilities (which I have never noticed - they are both a lot more popular than I am), then A) they are assholes and B) they are hugely missing out.

@Excelthetube says who? 😂 I know plenty of disabled people with plenty of friends!

Also since when is being over weight a disability?

@PumpkinPatch21

Also since when is being over weight a disability?

I think this conversation turned to disabilities when someone said they just couldn't bring themselves to lower themselves to hang out with someone (gasp) overweight. Because fat people can't go on walks and are constantly shoving chocolate down their throats and influencing this poster's children by feeding them chocolate too, and this poster couldn't say no to evil fatty, so the friendship had to end . People wondered how the poster felt about people who had disabilities and would also struggle to go on walks up to the poster's standards.

The more I think about that post the sillier it sounds. God spare us from fat people and their chocolate peddling ways .

Oh my goddess I have tears in my eyes op I’m going threw the exact same thing at the moment and had an awful day yesterday

Not read whole thread but I would say the common thread is not you but the 'established group' thing. The fact is that almost everyone would rather remain accepted in their' established group' than stand up for a newcomer. So if just one person in that group takes against you. you are out. Also, I have always had friends but have found it impossible to break into the established 'mum set' when I moved house. They have their friendship group and no time/space for a newbie. I gave up and found friends elsewhere.

As others said, you have friends so you are likeable. It's not you, its them and the situation. I understand how painful it is though so

I too get overlooked and left out of things. It really fucking hurts, even on antidepressants.

I’m not fat or disabled, and I don’t think I have mental health issues. I’m just easily overlooked.
I think I may be a bit socially awkward though.

crayfish I think I'm a bit like you. It's so easy to say, but can you embrace being a bit socially awkward? I try to do this. I know I have an off-putting personality (to some people - some people think I'm positively adorable, naturally ). But I embrace it and adopt a vaguely 'take me as I am' attitude. Without being a total tit, obviously. I do care about other people's feelings, but I don't care too much about their opinions anymore.

Something Wicked, so sorry you're having a shitty time . Hope you're ok.

OP you sound pretty good to me. You’ve got friends, you’re thoughtful and help out when necessary.

The next door neighbours sons were ignorant: you did the right thing by having a word and they turned it against you. If you’d been a 6ft 5” tall rugby player with lots of similar pals, I’m sure they wouldn’t have been so vindictive.

Neighbourhood parties can be space limited and perhaps they would’ve invited you if there was more room? Also invites are not always about being popular, sometimes it’s about networking for other reasons or community politics.

When you start to feel down about these things, remind yourself you may not have the full picture.

So sorry you are feeling like that. Theres a mum at our school that ice noticed doesn't get invited to things much. She's very full on and quite hard work.

Have you considered that you may be neurodirvgent? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you either way OP, but adults are no different to children in that they exclude and bully those who are different to them. Different is not bad! We are all unique.

Google it and see if it may apply to you, in which case you’ll find a whole community of other people like you.

@SweetBabyCheeses99

Have you considered that you may be neurodirvgent? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you either way OP, but adults are no different to children in that they exclude and bully those who are different to them. Different is not bad! We are all unique.

Google it and see if it may apply to you, in which case you’ll find a whole community of other people like you.

I carry the role of scapegoat around with me and suggested to the OP that she look in to that but being neuro divergent doesn't make you more likely to feel excluded. It's a people pleasing mentality that makes you feel excluded.

I think there is a whole combination going on.

1. I would suggest popping to the GP, it's sounds like you might be suffering a little with anxiety/depression.

1. On your old Street, did everyone stop talking to you once removed from the WhatsApp group (ie and polite greetings in passing etc)

1. Work, you say you were bullied into leaving because people didn't speak to you. Was you bullied or was that a perception. Reason I ask is my partner (suffers anxiety) thinks everyone dislikes him and doesn't speak to him, so he's being bullied and leaves his job. Yet I have actually even his colleagues socialise and speak with him (yet in his mind no one speaks to him at all). Could this be the case for work? Once my partner was given medication to help his anxiety he is much better and no longer thinks his colleagues are bullying him.

1. The BBQ, you are new to the street, could it be established and long term friends (rather than what you precieive to be the whole street) is attending? Why not try sitting out in your garden whilst it happening, you may find they call over the fence and invite you round.

1. Another poster commented on how people judge on looks, this isn't a good thing to do, but yes people do it (I think we are all guilty at some point for judging someone on looks, or the clothes they are wearing), are those around you a mixture of shapes, sizing and clothing styles, or are they all about the same?

I think you have had a horrible experience with your last neighbours and this has taken its toll on you . It is easy to think that everyone is against you or doesn't like you . I'm sure we have all had experience of this at some point in our lives. I know I have . However it sounds like this is something that you should maybe discuss with your doctor - your mental health deserves as much time as your physical . They could perhaps refer you to online talk therapy or consider other things . It is very much in the way that we take things but sometimes we just need a little help . Do you think that you do talk a lot about your past woes ?

In my bitter experience, once a WhatsApp side group is set up without you, you’re doomed! The way it’s set up plays into our human need to be part of a tribe and it makes it difficult to add someone in once it’s been set up. It’s horrible wondering if everyone is hanging out without you but you just need to forget about it as it’s completely out of your control.

I noticed a huge shift in how people interacted with me when I put on weight. Whether that was their attitude, my confidence or a bit of both, I don’t know. It’s sad but true.

One thing I do know is that the most confident, bright and breezy, put together people are the ones everyone tries to gravitate towards because they are easy to interact with and it’s what a lot of people aspire to themselves. Any downcast looks, scruffy clothes, resting bitch face, social awkwardness, basically anything that makes it a little harder to read and relate to you, puts people off. I say that as someone who suffers all of these things and is constantly fighting the urge to dwell on it negatively!

Ultimately, the friends for you are the ones who can see above all of this and like you for who you are, so screw the rest of them.

@MissyMooKins

So sorry you are feeling like that. Theres a mum at our school that ice noticed doesn't get invited to things much. She's very full on and quite hard work.

But, this is only a problem if she sees it as a problem, is it not? I think I could possibly be accused of being A Bit Much sometimes... although really that's only among old friends. I'm probably a bit too reserved if anything among new acquaintances.

I suppose it's difficult if you're A Bit Much and really want to make friends with everyone. It's a catch 22 though, as I think it is difficult to make friends if you deliberately set out to do that iyswim.

I'm very chatty and my dh and close friends have often said you are trying to make everyone like you and can't be friends with everyone.
Yesterday was a tough day I think I had a panic attack last night and not had one in years.
I really appreciate all the help and advice I will definitely look into it all. I will speak to the Dr this week about going back on anti depressants. I'm currently ingoing emdr weekly for the ptsd so hopefully that will help.
It's just all come at the same time I suppose.

@PyjamaFan

Do you possibly become too clingy to people too quickly? That can make people back off.

Just a thought, I don't mean to be unkind but I've known people like this and I avoid them!

This is interesting to me as I tend to have very close friends for 6mths to a year and then things fizzle out and I move on. One couple fell out with us and part of their complaint was us treating them. We didn't think anything of paying for our takeaways - not everyone but more than they did - but they found it offensive though didnt say until.the end. I tend to be over generous as I just want to be kind to everyone but I think some people take it wrong and think you're suggesting they can't do things or feel bad they can't return favour so keep distance. Could it be a bit of that

@Seyeryduj

This is so, so horrible (and I’m only going to say it in the hope that it will help you in some way) but I myself tend to assume that I won’t have much in common with very overweight people. I would never be actively horrible or bully anyone (and you were completely in the right to say something to the mums whose kids were littering your garden) but I would probably, if I’m being totally honest, have a tendency to assume that I won’t become very good friends with an obese person and thus maybe not invest that much in a potential friendship? I did have a very overweight friend previously but found it difficult as she wasn’t able to join in with the usual things I was doing with my kids like long walks, soft play, picnics on the ground etc and also found it awkward as she was always trying to give my kids chocolate which they wouldn’t normally have and I just didn’t want to be rude. I also have a very overweight MIL and we really struggle when she comes to visit to think of things to do with her, places to go, everything has to be planned around the fact she won’t be able to walk very far or stand for very long or be allowed into certain activities. I’m not saying it is that or that it is right for people to feel that way but just as a possibility as it sounds as though it’s not your personality!

At least you recognise how horrible this is.

Jesus Christ.

I think sadly in real life most people would avoid being friends with a disabled person.

This and the commenter who avoids overweight people are just classic examples about how there are people out there with their own neuroses / personality issues & flaws and it's never about you.

As long as you are a good person in your heart OP then just appreciate your close friends and not the twats on the periphery.

Sorry you feel like this.
Try not to go out of your way to make people like you as it could come across as too much depending on how it’s done. Be friendly but with a balanced amount of distance. Mention in conversation that you are open to attending events/ meet ups but don’t overdo it.
Some people won’t want to be close friends with neighbours or whatever so it actually can be a delicate balance

As others have said just focus on the fact you have a good friend as that will be a true relationship

@Baggingarea
Eh?! I was saying it’s fucking sad that people often aren’t friends with people who are overweight or disabled because they’re ableist. Don’t lump me in with the others.

@Excelthetube sorry without context it sounded as if it was your view.

Op I dont know that it's what a lot of people are saying. This is something I've I've thought about a lot because I make small groups of amazing friends and I'm always shocked when they pronounce themselves (as in mentioning or something) that they're my friends. Number one, sometimes people are so wrapped up in their own stuff (either deservedly or not) that they don't realise they're snubbing someone, this is mostly the case I think 2) Sometimes people do appear too ready to welcome someone into being their best friend and to be honest, it's a bit terrifying! As in 'we should X, y and z,' when you need space or time or just don't know them enough 3) sometimes you just don't click. It's nobody's fault! 4) from the neighbour thing, they were just awful people!! It sounds awful but you just need to stop thinking about it and get into things like hobbies and looking after yourself, all the little things that can help you feel happy. You sound lovely!