I can't do this anymore I don't understand why people hate me so much

[Quick99]

I had to move house because last neighbours hated me, been bullied out of 2 jobs by being ignored by everyone, school mums night out last night I wasn't invited. Today neighbours having a bbq most of the street invited except for us.
Im kind, go out of my way to help people I've often took this neighbours kids to school, am chatty and friendly.
My best friend said to not worry but I'm the common factor in all these situations I must be doing something to annoy all the collective groups of people. I feel sick and can't. Stop crying.
Just don't know why people don't like me it's breaking my heart

You aren’t alone in feeling like this - I could write a post similar to this most days!
As you say you have a best friend, cherish that friendship and concentrate on the people close and important to you x

@Kanaloa

Is it definitely because you lost weight? I only ask because I have been losing weight recently and I know it’s changed how I approach people. I feel I can wear clothes I like now and I look better and feel more confident.

There is a change in people when they lose weight but not everyone would like to think so.

To be honest with you,I dont think you put on 5 stones because a neighbour threw rubbish in your garden.I think, you are in a negative thought cycle and you need to truely find out,why you are so unhappy and comfort eat.5 stones is a huge amount of weight.Try to "own your weight issue" and you will get support and people are kind to you.Most obese people blame their weight on something "outside" their control.
I was once at a BBQ (I was the only person not beeing overweight).I was astounded,by the amount leople can actually eat.The last hour of this BBQ event,they all complaint of their aches and pains .they all had a "story" why their body is hurting and uncomfortable.when I very gently pointed out,maybe loosing some weight, they came down on me like a ton of bricks.

Oh that’s really sad to read. Maybe you just need to be more resilient and find friends who aren’t a bunch of wankers?

You are very fortunate to have friends OP.

OP, the way forward is mindfulness and self-care. And a lot of Buddhist and other memes. Bottom line:
All the love you need is already inside you. You were born with it, the Universe provides it. You can find it, and you can be happy.
Other people are pretty much irrelevant so take them lightly. Work on yourself, on doing things you want to do, being who you want to be. Don't look for yourself in a reflection from them - who you ARE matters, who they THINK you are doesn't.

Now I'm going to suggest something I don't like when other posters do it. Could you be autistic? I read somewhere that those of us who are autistic genuinely give off different vibes from neurotypicals - it's a physical thing, not a hippie-type vibe. That sets NTs on edge, makes them wary, makes them feel threatened by us, even when we're as sweet as can be. Might be worth checking out.

Sorry to hear that you're feeling left out and upset about it all
Re: the weight thing
I've recently lost 8 stones
People who ignored me in my street for years and years are bending over themselves to talk to me now
They can fuck right off, my body might have changed but my personality hasn't
I'm a bloody nice person and always have been
Stick with your BF
I hope you feel better about things too.....
Sending you love

@HonoreDeBallsache

OP, Do you really, honestly, give a shit about a 'street WhatsApp group'? Are they people who mean anything to you? If not, you're well rid. I would sooner poke my eyes out with forks than be part of that group (thank God I don't have a phone).

If you have one or two good friends, that's all you need.

Amen, Honore

@Handsoffstrikesagain I'm overweight, have some MH issues and can be very shy when I first meet people (always was even when thin). I always hoped people saw me as kind, interesting and fun (when I get going). After reading some of the things on this thread though ... It's nice to know some people choose friends for something other than arse size.

OP I think you're overlooking the friends you do have. You have a best mate too, that's far better than having lots of shallow people around you. The common denominator in those situations doesn't sound like you, it sounds like a mix of people who weren't very nice or who you didn't click with.

Why do you want to be friends with these specific people? I don't even know my neighbors names.

@Baggingarea

Op i used to feel the same way. And it turned out I was depressed. I felt everyone had a problem with me because of some sort of character flaw. But in reality quite often people are just dicks to others and it's how you cope with it that affects your feelings about yourself. As I said this is my personal experience and may not apply but I wonder if exploring this with a therapist or counsellor could help?

This is such great advice

@Iwantcauliflowercheese

You sound like me. I always wonder why people hate me and why I get excluded from events. I talked to the GP and was diagnosed with depression. I now take Sertraline and no longer care what people think of me. It's been a lifesaver.

Yes! This is exactly it for the OP as well. Also people are just not going around thinking about other people and whether they like them or not and plotting accordingly. We are all self absorbed or thinking of mundane things like whether to install a cat flap or get the spare room decorated.

@Quick99

The previous neighbours both had teenage boys who used to smoke and chuck rubbish fag butt's into my garden so why I spoke to the mums I was removed from the street WhatsApp group and slagged something chronic. My mums friend lived up the road so she told me some of the things 5heyd said about me which weren't really true.

They sound awful. This doesn't reflect badly on you op!

I wasn't popular at school and I still feel utterly inadequate because of it which stops me making friends as I always feel less than. As an adult I do have a lot going for me. I always have hair, nails, eyebrows etc done. Nice clothes etc. But I still think everyone around me thinks I'm ugly. Which is silly but I can't get over it.

I do have a smattering of friends now who seem to like me and people tell me I'm funny but most people say I'm not what the expect me to be like and they think that I would be a snob which is mad as I think I'm the lowest of the low!

@Seyeryduj

This is so, so horrible (and I’m only going to say it in the hope that it will help you in some way) but I myself tend to assume that I won’t have much in common with very overweight people. I would never be actively horrible or bully anyone (and you were completely in the right to say something to the mums whose kids were littering your garden) but I would probably, if I’m being totally honest, have a tendency to assume that I won’t become very good friends with an obese person and thus maybe not invest that much in a potential friendship? I did have a very overweight friend previously but found it difficult as she wasn’t able to join in with the usual things I was doing with my kids like long walks, soft play, picnics on the ground etc and also found it awkward as she was always trying to give my kids chocolate which they wouldn’t normally have and I just didn’t want to be rude. I also have a very overweight MIL and we really struggle when she comes to visit to think of things to do with her, places to go, everything has to be planned around the fact she won’t be able to walk very far or stand for very long or be allowed into certain activities. I’m not saying it is that or that it is right for people to feel that way but just as a possibility as it sounds as though it’s not your personality!

Wow. You're a charmer!

Having read the thread now I get it a bit more and I still think @Quick99 you should look in to overcoming the role of scapegoat. It sounds at first like accepting ''it's my fault I'm being excluded/blamed'' but it's more about identifying those moments when you bend with the wind to be super accommodating, you avoid conflict, you capitulate etc...

with regard to the street whatsapp group, they didn't hate you! it was an inconvenience to have somebody challenge them, that's all. Big difference. If they projected hate out towards you that is because they don't know how to process what they were feeling.

I know it's not easy but go easy on yourself. you have a best friends. She knows you! A person who knows you wants to be your best friend and randomers who kicked you off their whatsapp group do not know you. It's just easier to let their kids continue to gather and smoke isn't it?

@Mamatotwinsplusone

Some awful people on here really. You don’t deserve friends if you are willing to treat someone that way for just being overweight or looking a certain way. What an awful awful role model for your children.

Would you feel that way about disabled people too? Because they don’t fit up to your standard and wouldn’t be able to ‘do the things you do’.

Totally agree.

@Lightisnotwhite

I think it’s true about others avoiding fat people ( women in particular). Regardless of how offensive it may be.

The only women I know that don’t get this are the obese women that don’t come across like obese women. There’s no sense of them being embarrassed or defensive of their weight or even really aware of it. Their weight doesn’t define them IYKWIM.

How on earth does one "come across" like an obese woman? Ffs.

I think blaming your neighbours kids for throwing cig butts into your garden for being overweight is probably part of your issue....... it's nothing to do with that is it op? You just like food, don't blame it on other people. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Regardless of that.... you do have friends so you are likeable. There's people on who here with no friends... so I think YABU. Just don't do your neighbour anymore favours and focus on making yourself happy. No point victim blaming.

I also agree that @Seyeryduj's post had a strong whiff of ableism about it...

I'm pretty healthy weight and activity-wise (still don't easily fit into new groups, but that's because of my personality - proud ).

I know some very active people who are technically overweight. I know a guy who is obese but currently training for the police. He is one of their fittest candidates and his weight has never been mentioned as an issue. He has passed every fitness test with flying colours and he is also older than every other trainee in his cohort. This is in a non British police force, where the standards of physical fitness are a lot higher.

I also know people who have disabilities who can't do exactly the same activities as everyone else but they can do other things A LOT better than I can. One old friend might struggle to make her way around a new city on her own, (visually impaired), but she also has a gold medal from the Paralympics, she played a musical instrument to grade eight before she left secondary school, and has a first class degree in a stem subject from a top uni. She wouldn't want to go for a picnic with @sy.... though. I imagine she'd call her a word I can't repeat right now . I love that woman.

On the other hand there is a mum at school with severe asthma who can't do that much physical activity. Guess what? If her DS wants a playdate with mine, we do something else. It hasn't hurt me in any way to do that.

I hope the people on here who just can't stand to hang out with people who are physically different to them get their just desserts tbh. Terrible.

It’s the weight op.

I could have written your (and some other pp) posts. I was diagnosed with autism shortly after my dd, who was 3 at the time. Her consultant picked up on it and told me to see my go to start the ball rolling. Afterwards everything suddenly made sense.

I always tried to make friends but never had any luck. I assumed it was my ‘quirkiness’ that put them off.

Until a few years ago, when I lost 7 stone. My older (far more fashionable) sister started to give me her old clothes. Now, people seem to have lost that guardedness that I assumed was triggered by my autism. They actively seek out friendships with me.

BUT I’d always tried to make friends. I know that my way of interacting with people hasn’t changed. I’ve always been hyper aware of it, even wrote myself a little rule book on interaction when I was 8.

So I’ve only been able to conclude that it is the weight/clothes.

Which has put me in an odd position to be honest:

I don’t particularly want to be friends with the people (even close family members) who suddenly seem to see me as an equal human being now I look ‘right’.

OP I hope you're seeing things more rationally this morning. Your original post is very over dramatic. If you're not included in a work's night out or a neighbour's bbq it's unlikely to be because they "hate" you, they just don't see you as a friend. A more appropriate word would be "indifferent".

I live in a flat with large communal gardens. I get on with all the neighbours, have done some of them favours, but when I see some of them socialising in the garden, having a bbq etc, I don't jump to the conclusion they must hate me. I'll bet there are others from your street who weren't at your neighbour's bbq, so you haven't been singled out.

I also left my last home due to vile bullying neighbours so I sympathise, but that was about them being vile, not about me being unlikeable.

You have close friends and a best friend which is more than most. My best friend passed away years ago and I've never found another. Cherish your friends and lower your expectations of acquaintances.

School gate politics are notorious. I never got involved. Smile and nod and keep your distance. Your mental health will be far better for it.

Hi OP. I'm going to throw another suggestion in - you sound a lot like a friend of mine (skinny, intelligent, talented, great company) who is convinced that everyone is picking on her. Sometimes they actually are - she's had two awful Heads of department, but she's also had fallings out with friends, awful neighbours, awful tenants, awful tradesmen in her house, bullied as a child by family etc.
It turns out that she has Borderline Personality Disorder, not diagnosed until her 50s, and which means that her thinking about, and reaction to, 'normal' events is very extreme. She overthinks everything and agonises over it
What I'm trying to say, in answer to your 'is it me', is - no, it's not you. Some people are dicks, some people are rude. Try to develop a 'meh' attitude and don't over think it.

I realised late in life that many of my choices in life were in response to how I thought people would perceive me. What I should have been doing was thinking about what I wanted, and getting on with it.
All my life I mused on what others would think of me and wanting to be admired and respected. Instead I should have been getting on with what I wanted, what made me happy.
I think it stemmed from having a parent who drank and the shame and embarrassment that that caused me growing up.
Can you relate to this OP. If you are a happy busy person getting on with your life peoplel wil accept you and leave you to it. If you are an anxious person always looking to do the right thing, impress the right peope it will wear you down and annoy others.

I think sadly in real life most people would avoid being friends with a disabled person.