I can't do this anymore I don't understand why people hate me so much

[Quick99]

I had to move house because last neighbours hated me, been bullied out of 2 jobs by being ignored by everyone, school mums night out last night I wasn't invited. Today neighbours having a bbq most of the street invited except for us.
Im kind, go out of my way to help people I've often took this neighbours kids to school, am chatty and friendly.
My best friend said to not worry but I'm the common factor in all these situations I must be doing something to annoy all the collective groups of people. I feel sick and can't. Stop crying.
Just don't know why people don't like me it's breaking my heart

Sounds like a bad combination of you having very low self esteem and your neighbours being a bit cliquey and shite.
I'd concentrate on yourself and making yourself happy. That tends to attract the right sort of people into your life.

I find it very difficult to make real friends and have done all my life. I have issues around attachment that stem from childhood. I find friendships hard work.

I've made friends but have also been dropped for seemingly no reason. I chat easily to school mums but have never considered them friends. A few of them have cliques and I'm relieved I'm not part of them.

I'm now in my 40s and have come to a few realisations.
Appearances matter. People judge you. But more importantly being well turned out makes you feel good about yourself and that comes across.
You can't control other people. You can only control how much headspace you give them.
School gate mums cliques are not genuine friendships. They can be competitive and dull. They rarely last once the children move schools.
And most importantly, I know that I am sensitive and unhealthily mull over what was said in conversations, and take some things completely out of proportion and that is MY issue.
The same remarks could be made to anyone else and they wouldn't even notice.
I think you've been unlucky with the neighbours and my guess is you are also very sensitive and like me, you remember every negative thing ever said?

I agree with @catfunk on focus on making yourself happy. It works.

Dancingonmoonlight I like your stance on life. Me personally I have no time for friendships and I don't make any effort with cliques at the school gates or the park. I have a life that is worth being happy for and living in. OP please don't take anything personal you are a lovely human being to even care what these people think of you. There loss not yours.

@Seyeryduj

This is so, so horrible (and I’m only going to say it in the hope that it will help you in some way) but I myself tend to assume that I won’t have much in common with very overweight people. I would never be actively horrible or bully anyone (and you were completely in the right to say something to the mums whose kids were littering your garden) but I would probably, if I’m being totally honest, have a tendency to assume that I won’t become very good friends with an obese person and thus maybe not invest that much in a potential friendship? I did have a very overweight friend previously but found it difficult as she wasn’t able to join in with the usual things I was doing with my kids like long walks, soft play, picnics on the ground etc and also found it awkward as she was always trying to give my kids chocolate which they wouldn’t normally have and I just didn’t want to be rude. I also have a very overweight MIL and we really struggle when she comes to visit to think of things to do with her, places to go, everything has to be planned around the fact she won’t be able to walk very far or stand for very long or be allowed into certain activities. I’m not saying it is that or that it is right for people to feel that way but just as a possibility as it sounds as though it’s not your personality!

Why? Just why? You're right, this is really, really horrible ☹️

GertietheGherkin Why is she right what is your reason around it. When I go out and I look around me I see different. Maybe it's the community I live in.

Bless you OP, I know exactly how you feel. With the nasty neighbour bit, some people are just horrible. Worse is that these people will latch onto any perceived weakness which means sadly that ‘being nice’ makes you a target. I’ve been there myself. My problem neighbour likely has a personality disorder so I’ve just decided to pretend they don’t exist until I can move. Plus we have a high fence between our front gardens

With the friend bit I know I’m socially awkward and also likely to be on the autism spectrum or at least not neurotypical in some way. My mum is very similar to me and she was joking about her ASD and sensory issues the other day (neither of us are diagnosed). It was the first time I’ve heard her mention it out loud but it’s obvious from being around her that she’s on the spectrum in some way and her brother is also very similar.

You sound lovely and as though you have some wonderful people in your life so try and be happy with those in your life that know how great you are

Op you sound lovely please don’t think it’s you. People are thoughtless and so self centred and all they can think about is what benefits them. Some people are givers in life (you)and some are takers (your neighbours). Also school mums are so cliquey, I am so looking forward to my daughter starting secondary school next September so I don’t have to deal with this crap any more, I’ve had to deal with it for 12 years now and I’m sick of it. I am of the opinion the more the merrier but other people don’t think like that. You have a few nice friends, put your energy into them and ignore the others. They are not worth your tears.

And as for the fat shamers, shame on you, weight can be lost but a nasty attitude is just who you are. You are so lacking in empathy and I would never want to be your friend.

Hold your head up high op, you are a lovely kind person and if others can’t see that then they are idiots.

Yes, OP, it's quite possible that you are too fat, too thin, too tall, too short, too pretty, too ugly, too poor, too rich, too classy, too common... etc.

But if I had to hazard a guess, I'd say you were just too sensitive, too nice, too easily pushed-aside and too ready to feel you aren't liked or welcomed.

The truth is, a group of friends (or neighbours, or workmates) do not NEED you to be their friend, because they have already got established relationships. That doesn't mean they don't like you or won't ever accept you, but you need to be a little more pushy and don't take things to heart quite so much.

Give it time, keep smiling and being friendly, don't assume you are not wanted and keep inviting them to do things etc.

And you're not too fat to have friends!

You sound like you might be melodramatic/over sensitive. If you’ve been ‘bullied’ out of two seperate jobs by people ‘ignoring you’ that suggests to me that in fact it was just a lack of friendliness or familiarity. When I start a new job, I don’t expect to be chummy with everyone - they all know each other and they don’t know me. So I put myself out asking about them/their kids/their interests until after a few months I’m chatting away to them like they were to each other.

It also seems a bit over the top to be crying/being sick/heart broken over ‘nobody liking you’ when you do in fact have a best friend! I often wish I had a close friend I would call my best friend but I don’t, at the moment I just don’t have time or energy to invest into big relationships.

Could it be you’re your own harshest critic and see others’ reactions and behaviours through that lens? so in fact you are taking different situations that are negative and knitting them together to prove your own negative self assessment? Perhaps you have forgotten about the many positive relationships you have? It’s called distortion and deletion. If we have a comfortable self accepting image of ourselves we tend not to see ourselves as the common denominator in negative interactions but are able to take a more balanced view of our own behaviour and the behaviour of others. I bet there is no REAL evidence that people don’t like you, but it may be that some people don’t, but you’ve got that in common with us all, no one is 100% liked or hated. Be kinder to yourself.

So this woman who was horrid had awful teens who chucked fag ends in your garden? So a thoughtless horror has made other thoughtless horrors yet you are worried that they don’t like you?

I make friends easily. I have amazing friends but when I moved once the whole road seemed hostile/not interested. Then the school my child started at was the same. I saw new people come and be included - not me. I moved road and school when we moved area and almost immediately made great friends in both. It can be them not you. It’s so random the people you end up alongside. Focus on the good eggs.

Hi there found out I was pregnant at 5 weeks I had drank about 3 times before finding out had a glass Prosecco and few vodkas I didn’t get drunk but extremely worried has any one else been in the same situation

@Leah11 you should post on one of the pregnancy boards and perhaps start your own thread.

@Janaih

Similar story here. I had a baby 4 years ago and put on 4 stone. Went to playgroups every day to try and make mum friends with no luck. A few polite hellos here and there. I managed to lose 3.5 stone during lockdown last year. I've already made some friends in the playground at school. Half of me wants to cry with joy and the other half wants to tell them to fuck off

I've had a similar experience. Certain people at the school gate were much friendlier when I lost weight. It is definitely a thing. It is bizarre. I think a lot just apply the same rules they did at school for who was tolerable to be seen with - no one too fat, or weird, or shabby, or unfashionable - unless they have a strong bubbly or funny personality to outweigh that.

I really wanted to tell people to fuck off, too. I was exactly the same person - but I was only really worth speaking to once I was thin.

Is it definitely because you lost weight? I only ask because I have been losing weight recently and I know it’s changed how I approach people. I feel I can wear clothes I like now and I look better and feel more confident.

@Quick99

I had to move house because last neighbours hated me, been bullied out of 2 jobs by being ignored by everyone, school mums night out last night I wasn't invited. Today neighbours having a bbq most of the street invited except for us. Im kind, go out of my way to help people I've often took this neighbours kids to school, am chatty and friendly. My best friend said to not worry but I'm the common factor in all these situations I must be doing something to annoy all the collective groups of people. I feel sick and can't. Stop crying. Just don't know why people don't like me it's breaking my heart

Why do you care anything about what people think about you?

I don't really buy the idea that the previous poster who admitted thinking she'd have nothing in common with fat people was concerned about them being able to participate in things. I think that's probably an attempt to justify something more knee jerk.

It's sad, but even in adulthood, some women are still just too scared that the uncool might be catching, and it might make them look bad by association. Or, they assume that people who aren't as good at being appropriately thin, feminine and well dressed as they are will be bad company for them, because being appropriately thin, feminine and well dressed is for them the bare minimum that women need to do to have value. To fail at that hurdle means getting no further, however well you might suit in other ways.

@Kanaloa

Is it definitely because you lost weight? I only ask because I have been losing weight recently and I know it’s changed how I approach people. I feel I can wear clothes I like now and I look better and feel more confident.

For me it was definitely that. I hadn't been feeling any fear of approaching these people - we were all parents of kids in the same class. It was definitely their reactions to me that changed.

I could have written your post @DIYandEatCake. I am exactly like you described. I have never fitted in with any social setting be that schooldays, in workplaces and even now with the mums at the schooly eldest goes to. I have never been diagnosed but I am convinced I am autistic. My youngest is going through autism assessment at the moment and reading all the literature has made me see things differently and a lot clearer regarding myself. It makes so much sense to me about me!

Anyway, regarding friends, I have none. I would like to have friends, like you described but I have none. I almost feel like I have imposter syndrome when meeting people and therefore I think I find it harder because I see myself as different and not fitting in and so I have nothing in common with anyone to base a friendship on.

I have sometimes had a similar experience among groups of people. Turns out I have rather bad "resting bitch face" and people judge my personality on the basis of that. If they bother to get to know me later, they usually change their opinion (thankfully!) but some just won't bother.
My mother used to tell me that I have a "supercilious" tone of voice too - I'm not entirely sure how to fix that, as it's my natural tone! - and even my dad (who likes me more than my mum did) did say that I can sound quite unapproachable.

My sister though - she doesn't have either of those going on, but she also used to have some difficulty within large groups of people - and in her case it really was her people pleasing aspect. She would offer all sorts to everyone, but woe betide them if later they didn't reciprocate! Then they'd be dropped like a hot rock. She's better now - has mellowed down in both her offers and her expectations of reciprocation, so hangs onto her friends more these days.

My oldest niece has Asperger's (ASD but I can't remember the new designation for Asperger's) and she has difficulty making friends because she's like an over bouncy puppy in her approach to people, which makes them nervous. She only had one friend at school and was badly bullied because of her "quirkiness" - she's absolutely lovely but just a bit "too much" sometimes for some people.

Just a few thoughts that might offer you some more ideas.

@Dancingonmoonlight

I find it very difficult to make real friends and have done all my life. I have issues around attachment that stem from childhood. I find friendships hard work.

I've made friends but have also been dropped for seemingly no reason. I chat easily to school mums but have never considered them friends. A few of them have cliques and I'm relieved I'm not part of them.

I'm now in my 40s and have come to a few realisations.
Appearances matter. People judge you. But more importantly being well turned out makes you feel good about yourself and that comes across.
You can't control other people. You can only control how much headspace you give them.
School gate mums cliques are not genuine friendships. They can be competitive and dull. They rarely last once the children move schools.
And most importantly, I know that I am sensitive and unhealthily mull over what was said in conversations, and take some things completely out of proportion and that is MY issue.
The same remarks could be made to anyone else and they wouldn't even notice.
I think you've been unlucky with the neighbours and my guess is you are also very sensitive and like me, you remember every negative thing ever said?

Are you me?! You’ve described it so well! OP, unless you’ve done something/said something truly awful, people would not hate you. They may not consider you their friend or they may be thoughtless or any number of things. You have a bestie and a partner, they love you. I think you may be depressed and carastrophising. I hope you can start to feel good about yourself, when you do, you won’t care about these people near so much.

@seyeryduj is being demonised for stating her opinion and trying to be helpful. Now before everybody piles onto me I think it is quite possible that overweight people are discriminated against, maybe even subconsciously. Certainly some posters suggest that they have been treated differently when they lost weight. It's not right but pretending that there are no unreaonable prejudices is unrealistic. People also have a right to have minority opinions without being abused for it.

You sound like me. I always wonder why people hate me and why I get excluded from events. I talked to the GP and was diagnosed with depression. I now take Sertraline and no longer care what people think of me. It's been a lifesaver.