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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't do this anymore I don't understand why people hate me so much

156 replies

Quick99 · 04/09/2021 20:09

I had to move house because last neighbours hated me, been bullied out of 2 jobs by being ignored by everyone, school mums night out last night I wasn't invited. Today neighbours having a bbq most of the street invited except for us.
Im kind, go out of my way to help people I've often took this neighbours kids to school, am chatty and friendly.
My best friend said to not worry but I'm the common factor in all these situations I must be doing something to annoy all the collective groups of people. I feel sick and can't. Stop crying.
Just don't know why people don't like me it's breaking my heart

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 04/09/2021 21:24

@Quick99

The previous neighbours both had teenage boys who used to smoke and chuck rubbish fag butt's into my garden so why I spoke to the mums I was removed from the street WhatsApp group and slagged something chronic. My mums friend lived up the road so she told me some of the things 5heyd said about me which weren't really true.
That's not about you. That's about having crap neighbours.
Northpolesouthpole · 04/09/2021 21:25

@Seyeryduj

This is so, so horrible (and I’m only going to say it in the hope that it will help you in some way) but I myself tend to assume that I won’t have much in common with very overweight people. I would never be actively horrible or bully anyone (and you were completely in the right to say something to the mums whose kids were littering your garden) but I would probably, if I’m being totally honest, have a tendency to assume that I won’t become very good friends with an obese person and thus maybe not invest that much in a potential friendship? I did have a very overweight friend previously but found it difficult as she wasn’t able to join in with the usual things I was doing with my kids like long walks, soft play, picnics on the ground etc and also found it awkward as she was always trying to give my kids chocolate which they wouldn’t normally have and I just didn’t want to be rude. I also have a very overweight MIL and we really struggle when she comes to visit to think of things to do with her, places to go, everything has to be planned around the fact she won’t be able to walk very far or stand for very long or be allowed into certain activities. I’m not saying it is that or that it is right for people to feel that way but just as a possibility as it sounds as though it’s not your personality!
Yes. You're right. This is horrible.
NoNotYou · 04/09/2021 21:31

Do you think you have a persecution complex? Are you imagining it?

Lunificent · 04/09/2021 21:32

Try not to worry. It’s wonderful that you have friends that like your company and care for you: that’s the important thing.
I have made more enemies than I think would be average for someone like me. But I am a generally nice, easy going person and my closest friends really like me so I’m going with their opinion!

Baggingarea · 04/09/2021 21:35

Op i used to feel the same way. And it turned out I was depressed. I felt everyone had a problem with me because of some sort of character flaw. But in reality quite often people are just dicks to others and it's how you cope with it that affects your feelings about yourself. As I said this is my personal experience and may not apply but I wonder if exploring this with a therapist or counsellor could help?

TableFlowerss · 04/09/2021 21:38

I understand you feel crap op but ask yourself…..

are you worried about those closest to you?

Are they ok poor health?

Also ask yourself, do you care about these people?

Will you care what they think in 5 years?

If the answer of no then try to draw a line under it. They aren’t worth your time op. You sound spot on, you’ve probably just met some knobs. Don’t let nobody’s tear you down!!!! Xxxx

memberofthewedding · 04/09/2021 21:44

When people say they were never invited to xxx it may be that nowadays people often do not feel the need to issue specific invitiations to group events as they did in the past. I see people in MN saying that the school mums meet up in the park afterwards. Or that their neighbours are having a BBQ and everyone in the street went but they were not invited. Im just wondering how many of those people "just turned up" and started chatting. Or rocked up at the BBQ with a bottle of wine and a tub of chicken wings. Its extremely unlikely anyone is going to say to your face "what are you doing here. I didnt invite you". I think that sometimes you just have to grow a thicker skin and push in! Im not into the party scene but if I was and my neighbours were having a jolly BBQ and "everyone else" was there I would just show up and assume it was a general invitiation.

Allycott · 04/09/2021 21:47

Well in my experience most people are actual cunts. I don't bother as sycophantic behaviour is beneath me. If no one wants to be your friend - well fuck'em. You got your real friends - screw every one else

Calmdown14 · 04/09/2021 21:51

I do wonder if the weight issue is less about people not liking you because you are bigger or more that because you feel self conscious and don't want to be looked at, you give off 'leave me alone' vibes.
It is often these small interactions that make the difference. Someone looking down at the floor or away is harder to give a friendly smile to or start playground small talk with.
Is how you feel about yourself causing people to think you are standoffish perhaps?
I know of one person like this at our school. I'll happily talk to anyone but there is just no 'in' with her.

Or do you put how you feel on social media? I have an old school friend who cannot understand why people dislike her but every cafe she ever visits there's an issue, she complains about local businesses, the doctors, the neighbours are too loud. I haven't seen her in person in years but every one of these posts makes me think she really needs someone to tell her the issue can't always be everyone else.

Excelthetube · 04/09/2021 21:52

I get the feeling you live in a tight small knit community? So the trouble with the neighbour may have spread via gossip. People choosing gangs?

If you have other friends then I would say it’s probably not you. But since the neighbour thing, have you felt my sensitive and hyper vigilant about “new” people. Most can sense when someone is off guard and a bit unapproachable?

I would ask your friend again to be totally brutal. And really, unless you live in Cheshire, or west London where the competitive anorexia is abundant, then really being overweight really isn’t the problem.

Echobelly · 04/09/2021 21:52

I think I wouldn't worry about the neighbours - sounds like they were just nasty, antisocial people, you didn't do anything wrong.

I've never really socialised with school mums (for DS's primary school), but TBH it's because I've been working FT most of the time the kids were at school and had au pairs for the two years before COVID, so I was seldom at the school gates unless I made a serious effort to create relationships it just wasn't going to happen.

Hard to say about the job situation without more details - it sounds like you are perhaps not that assertive and maybe they just assumed you didn't want attention/promotion and wanted to quietly get on with things - unless you were making overtures to people and actively being ignored? Most people are quite wrapped up in themselves, so maybe they just didn't see what you wanted from them. Or you were just unlucky to work at cliquey workplaces - it does happen.

Excelthetube · 04/09/2021 21:56

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FuckPilledLatteplus · 04/09/2021 22:01

This is so, so horrible (and I’m only going to say it in the hope that it will help you in some way) but I myself tend to assume that I won’t have much in common with very overweight people. I would never be actively horrible or bully anyone (and you were completely in the right to say something to the mums whose kids were littering your garden) but I would probably, if I’m being totally honest, have a tendency to assume that I won’t become very good friends with an obese person and thus maybe not invest that much in a potential friendship? I did have a very overweight friend previously but found it difficult as she wasn’t able to join in with the usual things I was doing with my kids like long walks, soft play, picnics on the ground etc and also found it awkward as she was always trying to give my kids chocolate which they wouldn’t normally have and I just didn’t want to be rude. I also have a very overweight MIL and we really struggle when she comes to visit to think of things to do with her, places to go, everything has to be planned around the fact she won’t be able to walk very far or stand for very long or be allowed into certain activities. I’m not saying it is that or that it is right for people to feel that way but just as a possibility as it sounds as though it’s not your personality

Yikes

Winemewhynot · 04/09/2021 22:04

OP stop wasting time and energy on people that are irrelevant to your life.

Concentrate on your friends and family, they are who matter, not the neighbours or schools mums.

Mamatotwinsplusone · 04/09/2021 22:05

Some awful people on here really. You don’t deserve friends if you are willing to treat someone that way for just being overweight or looking a certain way. What an awful awful role model for your children.

Would you feel that way about disabled people too? Because they don’t fit up to your standard and wouldn’t be able to ‘do the things you do’.

Hekatestorch · 04/09/2021 22:06

@Seyeryduj

This is so, so horrible (and I’m only going to say it in the hope that it will help you in some way) but I myself tend to assume that I won’t have much in common with very overweight people. I would never be actively horrible or bully anyone (and you were completely in the right to say something to the mums whose kids were littering your garden) but I would probably, if I’m being totally honest, have a tendency to assume that I won’t become very good friends with an obese person and thus maybe not invest that much in a potential friendship? I did have a very overweight friend previously but found it difficult as she wasn’t able to join in with the usual things I was doing with my kids like long walks, soft play, picnics on the ground etc and also found it awkward as she was always trying to give my kids chocolate which they wouldn’t normally have and I just didn’t want to be rude. I also have a very overweight MIL and we really struggle when she comes to visit to think of things to do with her, places to go, everything has to be planned around the fact she won’t be able to walk very far or stand for very long or be allowed into certain activities. I’m not saying it is that or that it is right for people to feel that way but just as a possibility as it sounds as though it’s not your personality!
Wtf? So op can't go for a night out because she is overweight? Not go to a BBQ?

My mum is disabled. I have always been able to think of things I can do with her. And with her and the kids. She can definitely go out for a meal and drinks or a BBQ.

Do you feel the same about people with disability? Can't walk very far or get off the ground without help? You avoid them because they probably don't have anything in common with you?

The issue, here, is you. How you view people and you deciding wether people can do something.

MargaretThursday · 04/09/2021 22:07

Is it perhaps that you don't pick up on things. So the neighbourhood BBQ it wasn't that you weren't invited, it was that they assumed everyone would just come down without an invitation. No one was individually invited, just assumed everyone knew and would join in.

I do that sometimes, and have several times had someone say "oh we missed you" (genuinely) and I've said I assumed I wasn't invited and been told it was a general anyone can come.

godmum56 · 04/09/2021 22:10

@Seyeryduj

This is so, so horrible (and I’m only going to say it in the hope that it will help you in some way) but I myself tend to assume that I won’t have much in common with very overweight people. I would never be actively horrible or bully anyone (and you were completely in the right to say something to the mums whose kids were littering your garden) but I would probably, if I’m being totally honest, have a tendency to assume that I won’t become very good friends with an obese person and thus maybe not invest that much in a potential friendship? I did have a very overweight friend previously but found it difficult as she wasn’t able to join in with the usual things I was doing with my kids like long walks, soft play, picnics on the ground etc and also found it awkward as she was always trying to give my kids chocolate which they wouldn’t normally have and I just didn’t want to be rude. I also have a very overweight MIL and we really struggle when she comes to visit to think of things to do with her, places to go, everything has to be planned around the fact she won’t be able to walk very far or stand for very long or be allowed into certain activities. I’m not saying it is that or that it is right for people to feel that way but just as a possibility as it sounds as though it’s not your personality!
wow judgey much?
Enterthedragons · 04/09/2021 22:10

To the pp who said it might be something ‘easily fixable’ you DO NOT need to fix yourself to please others. Be true to yourself, nurture the relationships you have (such as with your BF) and keep being the kind person you are as that’s all that matters.

These ‘exclusions’ will have arisen due to circumstances that are nothing to do with you and completely out of your control. Don’t take it personally and put your focus elsewhere.

Elderflower14 · 04/09/2021 22:12

@Seyeryduj

This is so, so horrible (and I’m only going to say it in the hope that it will help you in some way) but I myself tend to assume that I won’t have much in common with very overweight people. I would never be actively horrible or bully anyone (and you were completely in the right to say something to the mums whose kids were littering your garden) but I would probably, if I’m being totally honest, have a tendency to assume that I won’t become very good friends with an obese person and thus maybe not invest that much in a potential friendship? I did have a very overweight friend previously but found it difficult as she wasn’t able to join in with the usual things I was doing with my kids like long walks, soft play, picnics on the ground etc and also found it awkward as she was always trying to give my kids chocolate which they wouldn’t normally have and I just didn’t want to be rude. I also have a very overweight MIL and we really struggle when she comes to visit to think of things to do with her, places to go, everything has to be planned around the fact she won’t be able to walk very far or stand for very long or be allowed into certain activities. I’m not saying it is that or that it is right for people to feel that way but just as a possibility as it sounds as though it’s not your personality!
Judgemental much??? 🙄 🙄 🙄 🙄 Glad as the mother of a disabled young man that I'm hopefully not a friend of yours!!! 😡 😡 😡
IWishIWasABaller · 04/09/2021 22:13

Well I'm fat as fuck and I've lots of lovely friends and get on well with my neighbours Hmm I'm sorry this has happened op you must be very hurt. I'd hold my head up high and definitely stop helping that neighbour out from now on

Gringlewald · 04/09/2021 22:18

This is nothing at all to do with any failing in you whatsoever. It’s about perception. In short, some people are dicks. Nobody (and I mean nobody) needs the validation, approval or any vote of confidence from people that are dicks. The great thing is they are very easy to spot. Drop you from a friendly local WhatsApp group for a legitimate complaint about appalling behaviour? Dick. Doesn’t invite you to to a gathering with all other Mums on the street? Dick. Ignores you at work? You guessed it...

You’ve been unlucky and come across a disproportionately high number of these sorts of people in your life. Believe me it’s full of a lot more that have a lot more to bring. If it’s getting to you spend a bit of time fostering relationships with decent, non/judgemental, interesting people and you’ll soon start to feel sorry for those that can’t treat people properly - the problem is entirely theirs.

And not befriending people because of weight? WTAF??!!!

Freddiefox · 04/09/2021 22:21

Op how long have you lived in your house? You say you’ve just moved in. Why would you expect to be invite to a neighbours bbq that has some of the neighbours there?

HeddaGarbled · 04/09/2021 22:22

Here we go: Saturday night pile on from the keyboard warriors towards someone who was trying to be honest and helpful to the OP. Don’t derail the OP’s thread with your pretend outrage/fun kicking. Even you, near-perfect as you are, have subconscious prejudices.

Explosivefarts · 04/09/2021 22:22

@Seyeryduj

This is so, so horrible (and I’m only going to say it in the hope that it will help you in some way) but I myself tend to assume that I won’t have much in common with very overweight people. I would never be actively horrible or bully anyone (and you were completely in the right to say something to the mums whose kids were littering your garden) but I would probably, if I’m being totally honest, have a tendency to assume that I won’t become very good friends with an obese person and thus maybe not invest that much in a potential friendship? I did have a very overweight friend previously but found it difficult as she wasn’t able to join in with the usual things I was doing with my kids like long walks, soft play, picnics on the ground etc and also found it awkward as she was always trying to give my kids chocolate which they wouldn’t normally have and I just didn’t want to be rude. I also have a very overweight MIL and we really struggle when she comes to visit to think of things to do with her, places to go, everything has to be planned around the fact she won’t be able to walk very far or stand for very long or be allowed into certain activities. I’m not saying it is that or that it is right for people to feel that way but just as a possibility as it sounds as though it’s not your personality!
So you can’t make friends with anyone who has a physical disability too? Wow just wow. Can I ask what activities your MIL isn’t allowed in to ?
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