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AIBU?

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Original poster

I can't do this anymore I don't understand why people hate me so much

156 replies

Quick99 · 04/09/2021 20:09

I had to move house because last neighbours hated me, been bullied out of 2 jobs by being ignored by everyone, school mums night out last night I wasn't invited. Today neighbours having a bbq most of the street invited except for us.
Im kind, go out of my way to help people I've often took this neighbours kids to school, am chatty and friendly.
My best friend said to not worry but I'm the common factor in all these situations I must be doing something to annoy all the collective groups of people. I feel sick and can't. Stop crying.
Just don't know why people don't like me it's breaking my heart

OP posts:
Diverseopinions · 04/09/2021 22:24

Clubs, charities, volunteering - these are all great ways to mix with people. You're all working for a cause, in the case of charities, bonding over wanting to make life easier for people with little. You are chatting about things which matter instead of petty stuff. You don't have to become too personal.

I don't know that you're losing much by not being part of a 'friends group'. What happens when something happens to spoil the synergy between two people? One gets divorced; one's child gets into grammar school/ football team, the other's does not? I think closeness can evolve, but sometimes it's best not to seek it early on. For now, maybe concentrate on companionship whilst doing something worthwhile.

If people are ever nasty or exclude you, then they are unpleasant and best avoided. Work is complex and things can go wrong with relationships, for many different reasons - there is no easy way to make sense of friendships there.

Volunteering is a better bet than worrying about neighbours.

Lightisnotwhite · 04/09/2021 22:26

I think it’s true about others avoiding fat people ( women in particular). Regardless of how offensive it may be.

The only women I know that don’t get this are the obese women that don’t come across like obese women. There’s no sense of them being embarrassed or defensive of their weight or even really aware of it. Their weight doesn’t define them IYKWIM.

Hekatestorch · 04/09/2021 22:28

@HeddaGarbled

Here we go: Saturday night pile on from the keyboard warriors towards someone who was trying to be honest and helpful to the OP. Don’t derail the OP’s thread with your pretend outrage/fun kicking. Even you, near-perfect as you are, have subconscious prejudices.
That posters prejudices aren't sub conscious.

When we are made aware of them, decent people actively work to change them and confront them.

They don't post 'oh op that's so awful. But no, I wouldn't want to be friends with you because you are overweight'.

Plumtree391 · 04/09/2021 22:29

@Quick99

The previous neighbours both had teenage boys who used to smoke and chuck rubbish fag butt's into my garden so why I spoke to the mums I was removed from the street WhatsApp group and slagged something chronic. My mums friend lived up the road so she told me some of the things 5heyd said about me which weren't really true.
Don't use WhatsApp.

Ignore mum's friend.

If you have a partner, ask him for his honest opinion.

Original poster
Quick99 · 04/09/2021 22:29

@Freddiefox
Moved in March 2019

OP posts:
PearlyRising · 04/09/2021 22:31

Ha e u looked in to carrying tje role of scapegoat around ?

PieMaster · 04/09/2021 22:42

Do you like yourself?

Thursa · 04/09/2021 22:43

@Seyeryduj

This is so, so horrible (and I’m only going to say it in the hope that it will help you in some way) but I myself tend to assume that I won’t have much in common with very overweight people. I would never be actively horrible or bully anyone (and you were completely in the right to say something to the mums whose kids were littering your garden) but I would probably, if I’m being totally honest, have a tendency to assume that I won’t become very good friends with an obese person and thus maybe not invest that much in a potential friendship? I did have a very overweight friend previously but found it difficult as she wasn’t able to join in with the usual things I was doing with my kids like long walks, soft play, picnics on the ground etc and also found it awkward as she was always trying to give my kids chocolate which they wouldn’t normally have and I just didn’t want to be rude. I also have a very overweight MIL and we really struggle when she comes to visit to think of things to do with her, places to go, everything has to be planned around the fact she won’t be able to walk very far or stand for very long or be allowed into certain activities. I’m not saying it is that or that it is right for people to feel that way but just as a possibility as it sounds as though it’s not your personality!
Holy fuck! I can’t believe anyone would be so shallow…
KikoLemons · 04/09/2021 22:43

OP I went through a period like this. It passed. I found better neighbours a job that was a better fit and concentrated on the people I did get on with. I never did click with the school mums and as soon as my kids were at secondary the problems eased.

Understand it hurts though.

KeepPortlandWeird · 04/09/2021 22:45

People can just not like the cut of your jib sometimes, real or imagined.

My neighbour calls our road the cult de sac because she’s convinced one set of neighbours are terrorising her and that the rest of us presumably are in a cult of some kind !
She’s probably just feeling out of place because she is roughly 20 years younger than the rest of the neighbours here, but it was a factor in her deciding to sell up, like you.

School mums aren’t worth your time. They always have Queen Bee hierarchy going on. Sometimes your immediate neighbourhood can also have Queen Bee hierarchy. It just takes one woman in a group to start the cattiness rolling...

The common denominator is that peoples opinions of you matter significantly, enough to make you move house, or change jobs, if you believe someone doesn’t like you. So you might be compensating by coming across as too needy.

Take your genuine friend’s advice and don’t worry about everyone else.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/09/2021 22:48

There is nothing wrong with you from your OP. Some people are bullies who like to exclude those who are softer.
If there is nothing that comes to mind, I'd forget them.
I prefer not speaking/socialising with neighbours, they put expectations on you if you're overly friendly.
I was eager to please and friendly at the beginning now I can't be bothered.

Blah1881 · 04/09/2021 22:49

The last thing you need to do is to change your personality/ appearance to suit the imagined preferences of others. You are depressed and you need to go to the GP and get help and support to lift yourself out of it. You are great as you are, and you will see that when get out of this negative thought cycle.

AudreyTattoo · 04/09/2021 22:52

@Quick99

That's a good point hello. That's probably a better way of framing it. I have a lovely friends and several other very close friends that I've known for years they all seem to like me (I hope anyway!) But it seems to be when I'm dropped into established groups I'm widely disliked with surprising speed too.
I think I'm a wee bit like this! I'm a bit of a marmite personality at first, I think. I do have a decent circle of great friends who I've been close to for many years though. I'm quite lucky that it truly doesn't bother me if I don't fit in with larger, new groups of acquaintances. I actually am probably not as nice as you, as I haven't offered to do things like take neighbours' kids to school or anything.

I'm sorry it's getting to you, and wanted to let you know that I think I'm the same in some ways, so it isn't just you.

I tend to avoid things like WhatsApp groups and actually came off most social media too. It lets me do my own thing and if people are talking about me, I will never know!

I'm definitely not physically attractive to the point people would not want me around because they're envious....or am I?

KikoLemons · 04/09/2021 22:55

Seyeryduj - people have jumped on you in a rather nasty way but I know you were ony trying to explain to the OP why her weight might be a factor. It does limit what you can do. I have been very overweight myself, (still a bit chunky but not huge). I was very fat in my twenties.

I couldn't/wouldn't go swimming, to beach parties, on holidays where beaches were involved (except with a single girlfriend). I couldn't walk for miles or play sport so at uni I wouldn't join the squash club or the tennis club. I lived in a jeans and huge baggy mens' jumpers so wasn't into clothes. I was awkward around men so I wasn't fun to go out drinking/flirting with. I tended to skulk about.
NOT saying this is OP - or anyone else who is overweight but I AM saying that Seyeryduj is only pointing out her own experiences. As am I.

And before you jump on me I also have an autistic son who has no friends because he's odd. And it breaks my heart but I can't force people to like him. If they don't. they don't.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 04/09/2021 22:57

I was going to ask if you were very large or really shabbily dressed/slovenly in appearance.

It’s sad but I find many school parents gravitate to the people who look like ‘winners’ e.g. slim/average sized with fashionable clothes which suit them etc. The more ‘downtrodden’ looking ones are often blanked.

I say this as an observer because I often sit/stand away and look detached/just focus on my DC. This is not because I think I’m better than anyone but I have so much on that I don’t have time to invest in new friendships.

You sound so down and lacking in confidence. Maybe starting to lose weight will boost your confidence. In the meantime, buy a big chunky necklace, a nice lipstick, get your haircut. You can fake confidence until you have it for real. It may sound shallow but many people tend to gravitate to people who look happy, confident and are winning at life. You don’t have to be a size 10 to do that.

HonoreDeBallsache · 04/09/2021 23:00

OP, Do you really, honestly, give a shit about a 'street WhatsApp group'? Are they people who mean anything to you? If not, you're well rid. I would sooner poke my eyes out with forks than be part of that group (thank God I don't have a phone).

If you have one or two good friends, that's all you need.

Excelthetube · 04/09/2021 23:01

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PumpkinKlNG · 04/09/2021 23:02

What do you mean you can’t do this anymore? Do what? You do sound overly dramatic? I don’t have any friends, I’ve made peace with it, at least you have some friends so people do like you but are you possibly depressed as saying “I can’t do this anymore” does seem a bit like you are depressed? Maybe that’s why as I know most people don’t like to be around negative/depressing people saying you are crying your eyes out making yourself sick etc maybe it’s the way you are coming across

Excelthetube · 04/09/2021 23:02

@Seyeryduj
That was meant for you. But @HeddaGarbled I’m not sure why you’re defending it.

Tooshytoshine · 04/09/2021 23:02

If you are being friendly and neighbourly then the problem is theirs - they just aren't your people.

Raise your threshold for what you perceive as friendship or invest in other people. A general rule of thumb is to ask yourself "would they do this favour/ invest this thought/ care about me if the roles were reversed?" If the answer is no then don't do it. These people are acquaintances, who just didn't consider you -they don't hate you.

You sound like you have lovely friends. Some people have friends in different ways - they get something out of being an exclusive group or setting constantly changing rules of engagement. Like you, I am a genuine person and have always found these games a bit baffling and pointless. It gives me no pleasure to do somebody down. It's better to have a few good friends than a battalion of fairweather ones.

Explosivefarts · 04/09/2021 23:03

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PumpkinKlNG · 04/09/2021 23:04

Also the fat thing is interesting! I’m fat and I’m ignored down at the school, haven’t managed to make any mum friends so that makes sense to me

3scape · 04/09/2021 23:18

Good laugh at the obese excluding poster for me. I am overweight and to some degree disabled but cannot get ANY parents to go for walks in our local countryside, they say their kids don't like to walk, they don't have suitable shoes, worry about the weatherConfused. I'll be sure to assume from now on they're all as distasteful as you shall I?

They all say they want to sit around soft play or get wrecked in a pub. Which isn't something I can relate to . I've never considered judging them for that. I hope all those people you're snubbing are off on fantastic days out without towing your miserable self around dearie.

daysofmuffins · 04/09/2021 23:40

OP it takes a long time to make good friends, and even then they can leave / depart or fall out with you etc.

Agree with PPs saying focus on your family and the people who do care about you.

Focus more on making your own life great. Hobbies, holidays, redecorate your home... start a business. Anything that refocuses you away from what people think about you...

You may be overthinking it all... it could also be about the neighbourhood, area you live in... some areas are full of arseholes!

You sound lovely. If you can make yourself happy by doing the things that make you happy (all these friends aside), you might be less invested in all these friendships and therefore more likely to maintain real friendships because people will sense you are happy. But don't let these groups or friendships be the ultimate goal. The ultimate goal is you being happy through your own actions and activities.

gozogozo · 04/09/2021 23:46

Speaking as someone who is disabled & obese, I am very aware that as a disabled & obese vegan, attitudeslike @Seyeryduj ate not uncommon.
Without making any judgements of OP, @Seyeryduj or anyone else on this thread, it is definitely a limiting factor in my social life, as is the fact that I'm East Asian. People have parties & social lives broadly with people like themselves.