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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hit the roof over this?

233 replies

Incredibad · 04/09/2021 16:18

My DP of three years is always saying he ‘can’t really afford’ dinner or a weekend away with me. Ive found a receipt for last week for the night when he went out for ‘a couple of pints’ with an old friend (what with being so skint and all) and it was in fact a swanky hotel restaurant clocking in at over £100.

Now what. Can’t confront cause even though he left the thing on the counter with his keys and change he’ll accuse me of going through his receipts, I know it.

OP posts:
anon12345anon · 05/09/2021 13:36

@2bazookas

He left it in full view.

Dump him, and tell him it's because he can't really afford you.

This

What a wanker Flowers

Tal45 · 05/09/2021 13:36

So you've seen suspicious messages on his phone and he's paying £100 to take someone out to a fancy hotel restaurant. He lied about having a couple of pints and being poor. I don't know what you need to leave this relationship if that's not enough but whatever else you do please get an STD done.

He's a shit OP.

midsomermurderess · 05/09/2021 13:40

£50 a head, meal, probably wine, isn't a 'swanky' meal. Yes, hurtful that he didn't take you, but it's not a staggering amount.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/09/2021 13:43

So basically, his idea of your relationship is that you are someone to 'hang out with' + sex. But his idea of his friendships (if it was indeed a mate) is that they go out to dinner, for drinks, or otherwise spend money doing things? Nah, that wouldn't work for me.

Does he just come over and you sit together and watch shows or whatever? Occasionally he tosses you a bone of a takeaway or a movie? That double doesn't work for me.

FWIW I have spent a lot of money dining with a friend/friends, but not very often, so I wouldn't just assume he was definitely cheating. But DH and I also treat ourselves to 'naice' meals together, too.

ShrimpBarbarian · 05/09/2021 13:44

@Incredibad

Groggylegs - he does say I’m controlling and paranoid
wow - what does he bring to the relationship? Calls you names, and wont take you out??
SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/09/2021 13:46

@Cocomarine

You don’t need to confront, you just need to dump 🤷🏻‍♀️
THIS ^
lottiegarbanzo · 05/09/2021 13:48

£100 a head is quite a lot.

Why would he have been treating his mate?

ChargingBuck · 05/09/2021 13:51

@midsomermurderess

£50 a head, meal, probably wine, isn't a 'swanky' meal. Yes, hurtful that he didn't take you, but it's not a staggering amount.
The cost of the meal is irrelevant. The fact that he can go out with an 'old friend', but not OP, is the point.

Oh, & that he calls her hurtful names, lies to her, & controls her with aggression & put-downs.

legoriakelne · 05/09/2021 14:14

@Incredibad

I suppose as I don’t want to get married or have a family there is no ‘going somewhere’ for my relationships. I don’t have those markers of progression other people have, so where’s it supposed to go?
That doesn't mean settling for being treated like shit though. Confused
lottiegarbanzo · 05/09/2021 14:17

Do you want a lovely committed relationship with someone you can grown old with happily OP?

That's a lifetime of 'progression'. Choose very, very carefully.

Honestly, even if you're only looking for a fling or a ONS, choose more carefully.

girlmom21 · 05/09/2021 14:19

@Incredibad

I suppose as I don’t want to get married or have a family there is no ‘going somewhere’ for my relationships. I don’t have those markers of progression other people have, so where’s it supposed to go?
It's supposed to go to a place where you feel happy, secure and content.
blacksax · 05/09/2021 14:26

[quote girlmom21]@blacksax I'm not disagreeing with anything you're saying. I think you're missing all the context in my previous post... [/quote]
Yes, probably Smile

Closetbeanmuncher · 05/09/2021 15:38

I still want to make a committed life with someone

You are in the complete wrong place if this is what you want!

This man is playing you like a fiddle. If you want a committed and peaceful life you're going to need to end it and look elsewhere.

You're being lied to and gaslit.

bamboocat · 05/09/2021 16:04

@midsomermurderess

£50 a head, meal, probably wine, isn't a 'swanky' meal. Yes, hurtful that he didn't take you, but it's not a staggering amount.
Not that swanky, but it sure ain't a couple of pints with a mate either Grin

Come to think of it, on my budget (and no doubt for millions of others), spending £100 on a meal for two would be a once-a-year-if-you-are-lucky event. So yes - fairly swanky.

Feedingthebirds1 · 05/09/2021 18:03

@midsomermurderess

£50 a head, meal, probably wine, isn't a 'swanky' meal. Yes, hurtful that he didn't take you, but it's not a staggering amount.
And even if that was for two so £50 per head and he paid for his mate, that's £50 more than he's prepared to spend on OP - his supposed partner.
MrsTWH · 05/09/2021 18:09

Sorry OP but there are red flags all over this one IMO. The fact you’ve seen messages, he lies, he won’t go out with you but magically finds money to go for a nice meal (sounds like a date!), calls you controlling and paranoid.

Either your spidey senses are tingling for good reason or his behaviour is making you feel paranoid - either way this does not add up to a relationship that is meeting your needs. I would move on.

QueenBee52 · 05/09/2021 18:37

Please tell us you have ended this ...

Original poster
Incredibad · 06/09/2021 09:28

His other actions are mostly good, but we have had issues before with him being - I think -secretive and then being mad at me because I’m ‘paranoid’ - maybe don’t seem so shifty then! But he gets defensive and says he isn’t being secretive he’s being normal. Either way I’ve never been in a relationship before where I’ve worried for a moment about someone cheating on me but I do In this one and it’s making me someone I don’t like.

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 06/09/2021 10:22

Your focus is wrong: it's not you who is the problem here. Your DP is not behaving normally for someone in a loving relationship. He should be the person you don't like because it's his behaviour making you suspicious. He's got you where he wants you. He's manipulating you into not questioning his odd behaviour. To the point you are now questioning yourself. Look up "gaslighting" and see if anything rings a bell.

ChargingBuck · 06/09/2021 10:52

@Incredibad

His other actions are mostly good, but we have had issues before with him being - I think -secretive and then being mad at me because I’m ‘paranoid’ - maybe don’t seem so shifty then! But he gets defensive and says he isn’t being secretive he’s being normal. Either way I’ve never been in a relationship before where I’ve worried for a moment about someone cheating on me but I do In this one and it’s making me someone I don’t like.
And what are you going to do about it, OP?
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/09/2021 11:14

Dump him!

TurquoiseDragon · 06/09/2021 11:22

@Incredibad

His other actions are mostly good, but we have had issues before with him being - I think -secretive and then being mad at me because I’m ‘paranoid’ - maybe don’t seem so shifty then! But he gets defensive and says he isn’t being secretive he’s being normal. Either way I’ve never been in a relationship before where I’ve worried for a moment about someone cheating on me but I do In this one and it’s making me someone I don’t like.
Then dump.

It's not you, it's definitely him, and I seriously doubt it will ever be better.

MissyMooKins · 06/09/2021 11:32

He has better things to spend his money on.

Nanny0gg · 06/09/2021 12:09

@Incredibad

His other actions are mostly good, but we have had issues before with him being - I think -secretive and then being mad at me because I’m ‘paranoid’ - maybe don’t seem so shifty then! But he gets defensive and says he isn’t being secretive he’s being normal. Either way I’ve never been in a relationship before where I’ve worried for a moment about someone cheating on me but I do In this one and it’s making me someone I don’t like.
Gaslighting will do that to a person.

Dump him

Nanny0gg · 06/09/2021 12:11

@Incredibad

Cryalot- no, he doesn’t tell me he loves me, he says he’s more an actions than words person. I know there are people out there like that although I’m more verbal myself.
And just look at his actions (or lack, thereof)

Wake up!

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