Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hit the roof over this?

233 replies

Incredibad · 04/09/2021 16:18

My DP of three years is always saying he ‘can’t really afford’ dinner or a weekend away with me. Ive found a receipt for last week for the night when he went out for ‘a couple of pints’ with an old friend (what with being so skint and all) and it was in fact a swanky hotel restaurant clocking in at over £100.

Now what. Can’t confront cause even though he left the thing on the counter with his keys and change he’ll accuse me of going through his receipts, I know it.

OP posts:
MyPatronusIsACat · 04/09/2021 21:32

Sorry @Incredibad this would be a dealbreaker for me. I wouldn't waste any more of my life on him if I were you. Flowers

MadMadMadamMim · 04/09/2021 21:39

This makes it really simple. He's a prick who won't spend money on taking you out - but will with a "mate".

He's also a prick that would gaslight you with accusations if you dared confront him about his behaviour.

Seriously - I'd just dump him.

Sommernacht89 · 04/09/2021 22:13

First,get rid of him very fast.Second,seek some professional help and find out why you were attracted to a man that treats you like shit.all the best.

Original poster
Incredibad · 05/09/2021 09:21

Cryalot- no, he doesn’t tell me he loves me, he says he’s more an actions than words person. I know there are people out there like that although I’m more verbal myself.

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/09/2021 09:23

@lazylinguist

The fact that you are fearful of his reaction if you confront him, and are so sure that he will automatically think you are a liar and were snooping, is just as bad as the fact he's willing to spend money on going out with his mates but not with you. I'm sure you can do better, OP.
This....

I'd be thinking very carefully over my future with him.

SpacePotato · 05/09/2021 09:33

@Incredibad

Cryalot- no, he doesn’t tell me he loves me, he says he’s more an actions than words person. I know there are people out there like that although I’m more verbal myself.
He won't say it because he doesn't love you though. His actions alone are screaming this at you and you are ignoring it.
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/09/2021 09:34

@TwinsandTrifle

Ok. So the £100 with a "mate" when he couldn't take me anywhere in 3 years would piss me off.

The lying about where he was (where did he tell you he was? Sorry if I've missed this) would tell me either a) he knows he's treating you badly because he tried to hide the fact he doesn't treat others like this, or b) he was on a date.

Come to think of it, in my 20s, a colleague had similar... Bloke had moved in with her.. She loved all the home making stuff... She was always planning what she was cooking for 'my Gary'. She was even doing his bloody washing.

She always looked sad when the rest of us were excitedly chatting about where we had been /were going with our boyfriends.

She'd been with him FIVE years and she'd NEVER gone out to anywhere interesting/nice /spécial with this horror of a man...

I heard ten years in, she dumped him when she discovered his many affairs, and in the last few years he'd got a whole new family he was running, alongside living and leaching off her....
She was desperate for marriage and kids and a future with this grim man.

She must have been mid 30s by the time she escaped him

Rainbowqueeen · 05/09/2021 09:41

Op what do you want?? I don’t know how old you are but if you have been with this guy for 3 years with no talk of man engagement or moving in and this is how he treats you but you want marriage and kids then I’d suggest you end it. If you stay with him nothing will change. He doesn’t want it to change. Take control.
There’s no need to even address it. If you are not happy and there is no future then you can just tell him that you’ve been thinking about your future and realised you are not compatible long term and you want to call it a day. That way you are in charge and he can’t try and gaslight you.

You can have a wonderful happy and joyful life but not with this guy. Free yourself and move on to live your best life

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/09/2021 09:43

@Incredibad

Cryalot- no, he doesn’t tell me he loves me, he says he’s more an actions than words person. I know there are people out there like that although I’m more verbal myself.
OK some people are more 'actions' than words...

So what does he do to show you he loves you?

TheWeeDonkey · 05/09/2021 09:44

Okay I read the OP and immediately thought of that Whitney Houston song, but then he comes out with the old chestnut actions are more important than words, and what are his actions? Hes taking the piss out of you.

Men like him are 10 a penny, and he knows hes riding his luck. Fuck him off you can do better.

Theworldishard · 05/09/2021 09:45

Sorry, who was he meeting?

£100 on a hotel room

Sorry Op, but it's time to wake up

I never know why women allow themselves to be treated so badly

You.deserve better

Poppppppply · 05/09/2021 09:47

@Kanaloa

Is there any point confronting him? The gist of it is he can afford to go out, he just doesn’t want to go out with you.
Sorry to say. This.
Original poster
Incredibad · 05/09/2021 09:55

‘ The gist of it is he can afford to go out, he just doesn’t want to go out with you.’

I know, and I know I should be angrier than I am, but I’m just really gutted at the moment.

OP posts:
30mph · 05/09/2021 10:01

Cut to the chase. It shouldn't be this way in a loving, mutually sharing and supportive, relationship. Walk away quickly. Don't look back.

timeisnotaline · 05/09/2021 10:17

@Incredibad

Cryalot- no, he doesn’t tell me he loves me, he says he’s more an actions than words person. I know there are people out there like that although I’m more verbal myself.
Another one wondering what actions of his does he think say I love you! All the ones you describe say I’ll put up with you but I won’t be particularly nice to you or spend money that I do have on you when I could spend it on seeing friends or dates with other women.

Not a keeper op you’ll be better off without him. And you can decide to tell him whatever you want shout why the relationship isn’t working, you just need to tell him not to convince him. He doesn’t have to agree.

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet · 05/09/2021 10:21

So according to him, you're obsessed, controlling and paranoid. After three years, you're not living together or moving forwards as a couple. Where do you see this going?

AnyFucker · 05/09/2021 10:23

“Actions speak louder than words”

They certainly do. And his are deafening.

minatrina · 05/09/2021 10:23

He sounds like a secretive person, and I am very suspicious about his "old friend" story. He sounds unpleasant tbh.

I'm positive that you deserve a lot better than this!

minatrina · 05/09/2021 10:24

Also to add, I would have no shame about "snooping" (not that I think looking at a receipt you find on the side really constitutes snooping anyway).

I despise this attitude, it's usually just an excuse to have a go at a woman who knows her partner is up to no good.

ChargingBuck · 05/09/2021 10:26

@Incredibad

‘ The gist of it is he can afford to go out, he just doesn’t want to go out with you.’

I know, and I know I should be angrier than I am, but I’m just really gutted at the moment.

But what are his actions, if you never go out, or away together, & are so fed up about it you have been trying to resolve that with him for so long?

Let me guess - he comes round to yours, has a shag, then goes out with mates?

I am so sorry you are feeling gutted, but can you look on this receipt discovery as a lucky reprieve? This man has not been good to you for a long time, if ever, & is now making you actively unhappy.

Add to that his refusal to discuss your wishes, let alone accommodate them, the way he uses anger to shut you down, his shady messages to other women & now his lies ... & really OP, what is in it for you here?

This man is dangling you on a string. Cut it, take all the satisfaction of being the one to end it, & reclaim your life!

Original poster
Incredibad · 05/09/2021 10:27

I suppose as I don’t want to get married or have a family there is no ‘going somewhere’ for my relationships. I don’t have those markers of progression other people have, so where’s it supposed to go?

OP posts:
Original poster
Incredibad · 05/09/2021 10:29

I’m always being told ‘well if you don’t want marriage and kids you must be happy to coast’ - I don’t think that’s true, I still want to make a committed life with someone even if it doesn’t have ‘engaged’ or ‘first baby’ as milestones

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 05/09/2021 10:31

@Incredibad

I suppose as I don’t want to get married or have a family there is no ‘going somewhere’ for my relationships. I don’t have those markers of progression other people have, so where’s it supposed to go?
It's supposed to go where you want it to go Incredibad.

So unless your ideal relationship is with a lying, cheating, tight-arsed manipulator, it's not going where you want it to go, is it?

It's also blocking you from meeting a much, much nicer bloke.

Get rid, spend a few weeks on reflection & self-care, then get back on the market - armed with all the knowledge you have gained from this relationship about what you will not accept in any future relationship.

LemonFrog · 05/09/2021 10:45

Come on OP..

You've seen inappropriate texts on his phone, how you saw them is irrelevant, they were there, and now you've seen a receipt for a fancy hotel and restaurant when he said he was going out for a couple of pints... He wasn't with a friend.

You keep worrying that he'll accuse you of snooping and he probably will, but does it matter? If I found inappropriate texts to a woman on my husband's phone I wouldn't be fretting about apologising for looking! It wouldn't change the fact that he'd have been messaging someone inappropriately.

Making it about you "snooping" is a deflection tactic to get the spotlight off him and onto you. Don't let him!

BlackTee40 · 05/09/2021 10:47

@Incredibad

My DP of three years is always saying he ‘can’t really afford’ dinner or a weekend away with me. Ive found a receipt for last week for the night when he went out for ‘a couple of pints’ with an old friend (what with being so skint and all) and it was in fact a swanky hotel restaurant clocking in at over £100.

Now what. Can’t confront cause even though he left the thing on the counter with his keys and change he’ll accuse me of going through his receipts, I know it.

I'd confront him. That's bang out of order.