To hit the roof over this?

[Incredibad]

My DP of three years is always saying he ‘can’t really afford’ dinner or a weekend away with me. Ive found a receipt for last week for the night when he went out for ‘a couple of pints’ with an old friend (what with being so skint and all) and it was in fact a swanky hotel restaurant clocking in at over £100.

Now what. Can’t confront cause even though he left the thing on the counter with his keys and change he’ll accuse me of going through his receipts, I know it.

@QueenBee52

I voted YABU..

because he has CONDITIONED you to question nothing.. you have seen this receipt with our own eyes and yet you are afraid to question this because of his reaction. You can't even see you have been trained to accept everything he says..

This is NOT a healthy relationship..

HE sounds like a cheap tight abusve C*NT

Good Luck kicking him out of your life.

Me also - don't even bother getting mad - get rid

@DameAlyson

How do you know that the bill wasn't split? i.e He pays by card and his mate sends him the cash.

When I go out with a friend, we often do this. Saves having to faff around getting separate bills. And a meal with drinks could quite easily come to £50 per head; that's not especially extravagant.

I'm sure most people on here have as it saves the restaurant running up two seperate bills. Not sure why everyone else is just jumping to conclusions saying dump him etc.

I think, sadly you know he isn't trustworthy and isn't treating you nicely.
If it was a friend describing this situation to me I think I would tell her to end it and find someone better. Wouldn't you?

@Incredibad

Somehow there’s also never that money for a ‘one-off’ with me though, huh?

Yes OP

You said it.

He doesn’t want to spend time with you. So you now have a decision to make

OP, you need to not 'hit the roof', you need to watch and wait. Ask him if he had a nice time, where he went etc.

Although actually there is clearly no trust, he lies about having money to go out with you so I would exit the relationship. He also probably threw it on the counter knowing you would look and therefore he could blame you for snooping and justify why he is going out with a mate seeing someone else. Just make yourself unavailable, go out with your own friends to a nice restaurant. He really isn't worth it.

@HollowTalk

He's a cheating tight-fisted bastard. Dump him and tell him it's because he smells strange and you just can't get past it.

Vindictive much. 🙄

@StarshipsAreMeantToFly it's an old friend so they could live outside of the area and be staying at the hotel, or it could be a highly recommended restaurant that just happens to be at a hotel.

There's no receipt for a hotel room...

Not sure why everyone else is just jumping to conclusions

Because most men going out to see an old friend for a couple of pints will go down the pub. They do not end up spending £100 in a swanky hotel restaurant.

[quote girlmom21]@StarshipsAreMeantToFly it's an old friend so they could live outside of the area and be staying at the hotel, or it could be a highly recommended restaurant that just happens to be at a hotel.

There's no receipt for a hotel room... [/quote]
So if it is an old mate staying in the hotel the point that he never goes out with OP to equally swanky restaurants still stands. So he is either cheating or spending money on seeing his mates but not enjoying going out with OP and lying bout it.

@QueenBee52

I voted YABU..

because he has CONDITIONED you to question nothing.. you have seen this receipt with our own eyes and yet you are afraid to question this because of his reaction. You can't even see you have been trained to accept everything he says..

This is NOT a healthy relationship..

HE sounds like a cheap tight abusve C*NT

Good Luck kicking him out of your life.

CONDITIONED? Behave yourself.

Occams razor says he empited it out of his pockets not thinking in his morning after hangover.

[quote girlmom21]@StarshipsAreMeantToFly it's an old friend so they could live outside of the area and be staying at the hotel, or it could be a highly recommended restaurant that just happens to be at a hotel.

There's no receipt for a hotel room... [/quote]
He said he was going for a couple of pints with an old friend.
He lied.

Whether it was because he didn't want the OP to know he was going to spend a load of money when he's always telling her how skint he is. or whether the 'old friend' was female is irrelevant.

He lied.

He sounds abusive, OP. Have you heard of DARVO? I bet you anything that's exactly what he'll do if you confront him. You've pretty much said it yourself already. You need to get out of this relationship, it does not sound equal and it does not sound like you're happy.

@blacksax I'm not disagreeing with anything you're saying. I think you're missing all the context in my previous post...

He is abusing you and you cannot see it ...

You have evidence he is lying to you about finances.. I bet you pay through the nose for the privilege to date this guy ... who refuses to take you for a meal or weekend away... whilst pissed money up a wall taking 'his mate' for a beer...

People calling you out for finding evidence of your being taken advantage of should be ignored ... they are of no relevance...

You are having the piss ripped out of you ... and you can't even say anything about it because he has you conditioned that His needs and more important than yours will ever be...

You matter .. your feelings ... your opinion matters..

This man does not respect you Period 🌸

@Incredibad

Somehow there’s also never that money for a ‘one-off’ with me though, huh?

Make sure that you don't have enough money for a 'one off' with him from now on.

However I can tell you are not happy with this chap. Is it worth carrying on?

That receipt to me is dinner and wine/drinks and sounds like a date, especially if he's been out late: who's the old friend?

OP, he is training you not to question his behaviour, by painting you as paranoid and controlling and making you fear ever questioning him. That way he can carry on doing whatever he likes. Jesus. The number of men I've read about on here, all using the same script. And their wives/girlfriends fretting and worrying "Maybe it is me! Maybe I am controlling. Maybe if I just keep quiet..." If you were controlling, you wouldn't be in here worrying about being controlling. It's him controlling you!

Just dump him, OP. You deserve better. In fact he does not even deserve an explanation, just get rid.

Sorry op for the unkind way he is treating you..
You have seen facts and have a choice to make. Carry on , let him spend little on you and know what he has done.
Men have a habit of trying to blame the woman and make her feel she is stupid, paranoid ,worthless and more. Does he ever tell you he loves you? Or pay you compliments?
You could do detective work by contacting the hotel and pretend you were with him snd ask if they found your ( think of something) that you may have left . Say you cannot remember the room number. You might get information that way .
I wish you well, you deserve better.

@Incredibad

No, he left it out, but it will still be me snooping in his eyes

So? Which is the bigger crime - seeing a receipt that was left out or lying to you for 3 years and taking you for granted?

Why would it matter if he's annoyed or upset as I assume you will be considering the future of the relationship? If you can't talk about things that bother you then what kind of relationship is it really? Not a good one, I would say.

he does say I’m controlling and paranoid

In my experience, when your partner tells you that you have characteristics that are deeply undesirable in a partner but also makes no move to leave the relationship with you it's because they want to make you feel so bad about yourself that you will gratefully accept the shitty relationship they are offering.

In other words, he's the controlling and paranoid one... controlling because he wants to do what he likes without consequence, and paranoid because he knows he's treating you like shit and is scared you will cotton on and dump him.

@Incredibad

Groggylegs - he does say I’m controlling and paranoid

I don't think you are. I think he's saying this to make you afraid to question him, and it seems to be working.

You weren't snooping by looking at a receipt that he left out. And you weren't snooping by simply looking at the time on his phone. He'll just claim you were snooping to pre-empt anything you might say, to make you back down.

You don't live together, and it doesn't seem as if he's that interested in you, just interested in using you.

I''d dump, actually.

3 years and no money for weekends away or meals out. Going out with a mate for a few pints = £10-15 but the hotel receipt says £100. That £100 says he does have enough for a weekend away or a meal out. By accusing you of paranoia and control freakery, he’s silencing you from asking any questions. Snaffle the receipt, tuck it away somewhere. Ask him if he enjoyed the meet up with his friend, suggest you would like to go for a few drinks and a meal too, you’ve missed out on a lot of that with COVID and his money problems…He won’t be able to go because he’s too skint…£100 nights out are expensive, aren’t they?. Arrange a really nice meal out with your friends, you deserve a decent night out. xx

@SneakyCucumberAction the evidence is all there if you insist on being the cool girl then enjoy being a doormat all your life. OP quite rightly doesn't want to be treated as second best and fobbed off.
The most upsetting thing in all this is the op feeling she can't challenge this arsehole about the way he is treating her

LTB