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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hit the roof over this?

233 replies

Incredibad · 04/09/2021 16:18

My DP of three years is always saying he ‘can’t really afford’ dinner or a weekend away with me. Ive found a receipt for last week for the night when he went out for ‘a couple of pints’ with an old friend (what with being so skint and all) and it was in fact a swanky hotel restaurant clocking in at over £100.

Now what. Can’t confront cause even though he left the thing on the counter with his keys and change he’ll accuse me of going through his receipts, I know it.

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 04/09/2021 16:48

My first thought was that it was a night out with another woman. If he's accused you of snooping before is it because his behaviour has been suspicious/secretive? You're worth more than someone who doesn't want to go out with you, but will spend £100 on someone else then downplays it as a couple of drinks with a mate. He could also have deliberately left the receipt where you'll see it so you'll ask him about it, it'll cause an argument and he'll blame you instead of being honest.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 04/09/2021 16:49

A mate? Really? A posh hotel and a hundred quid?
Come on now. You know it was not a pal.

SneakyCucumberAction · 04/09/2021 16:49

How do you know that the bill wasn't split? i.e He pays by card and his mate sends him the cash.

Tana433 · 04/09/2021 16:50

@WeAreTheHeroes I think you have it spot on to be honest.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 04/09/2021 16:50

Even if it was it tells you everything.
It's not that he doesn't have money. It's that you aren't someone he wants to spend it on.

PumpkinPie2016 · 04/09/2021 16:51

If he thinks you looking at a receipt left on the counter is snooping, I'd say he's trying to hide something. I couldn't care less if my husband sees my receipts and equally, he couldn't care less if I see his.

£100 at a swanky hotel doesn't sound like a night with just a friend to me.

To be honest, I'd be rethinking this relationship OP. Do you live together?

diddl · 04/09/2021 16:53

Don't bother hitting the roof.

Just walk away!

Marni83 · 04/09/2021 16:53

You’d hit the roof
He’s making out he doesn’t have money to go away with you but then goes out and blows £100
He will assume you’re snooping (back story?)

All in all. It sounds an unpleasant and somewhat loveless relationship

DameAlyson · 04/09/2021 16:55

How do you know that the bill wasn't split? i.e He pays by card and his mate sends him the cash.

When I go out with a friend, we often do this. Saves having to faff around getting separate bills. And a meal with drinks could quite easily come to £50 per head; that's not especially extravagant.

Teacupsandtoast · 04/09/2021 16:55

What's your current set up - ,how often do you see him and where? Even if him and his mate split the bill, it's still £50 he'd be reluctant to spend if it was a night with you.

Original poster
Incredibad · 04/09/2021 16:56

Wearetheheroes - in the last I’ve accidentally seen messages that seemed inappropriate on his phone when I flipped it to see the time (no I probably shouldn’t have but was late leaving for work) he accused me of looking nd now if I bring up something I’m paranoid and he uses seeing the phone as an example of me ‘being obsessed’

pumpkin - we don’t live together he was staying at mine and emptied his pockets on the counter

OP posts:
Original poster
Incredibad · 04/09/2021 16:58

damealyson - I’m hoping he maybe did a split bill for ease but he still lied to me where he was?

OP posts:
Phobiaphobic · 04/09/2021 16:58

If you can't address your concerns about this without him being an arsehole, then you're in the wrong relationship.

grapewine · 04/09/2021 17:00

in the last I’ve accidentally seen messages that seemed inappropriate on his phone when I flipped it to see the time (no I probably shouldn’t have but was late leaving for work) he accused me of looking nd now if I bring up something I’m paranoid and he uses seeing the phone as an example of me ‘being obsessed’

Just walk away. This is over already.

Kiduknot · 04/09/2021 17:01

He’s lied. That’s enough in itself,

grapewine · 04/09/2021 17:01

bold fail.

HollowTalk · 04/09/2021 17:02

He's a cheating tight-fisted bastard. Dump him and tell him it's because he smells strange and you just can't get past it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2021 17:02

He doesn’t want to go out with you. He lies. He refuses to communicate in a reasonable way. He’s got form for probably cheating.

What good points out weigh all that?

WeAreTheHeroes · 04/09/2021 17:03

He's cheating OP. Or at the very least he's looking for an opportunity to cheat. Get rid. It's one thing if someone genuinely doesn't have the money, quite another of they are prepared to spend it on going out with someone who isn't you.

If he accuses you of being paranoid, you can say it's with good cause. You're not obsessed, you just won't be taken for a fool.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/09/2021 17:04

Why on earth are you still with him?

ChargingBuck · 04/09/2021 17:07

@Incredibad

No, he left it out, but it will still be me snooping in his eyes
So what?

You know it's not "snooping". He would only be dressing it up as snooping in order to portray you as the one in the wrong, so that he can pretend that his moral outrage over "snooping" is worse than your moral outrage over being lied to about meals which he cannot afford with you, but can mysteriously & sneakily stump up for for his friend.

What it your alternative - say nothing & seethe with resentment?
Is that really the relationship you want?

LargeBouquet · 04/09/2021 17:10

@Phobiaphobic

If you can't address your concerns about this without him being an arsehole, then you're in the wrong relationship.
Exactly. That's what strikes me in your posts.
Tana433 · 04/09/2021 17:14

Totally different i realise but many years ago (1990/91) myself and my first DP were saving for a deposit to rent somewhere. I managed my half with a lot of scrapping and he kept insisting he couldnt afford it yet, give him a few more weeks. this went on for a while until i turned up at his parents house one day to find he had splashed out on a state of the art Pioneer Hi-Fi (remember the year please!) I still lived with, married and had 2 kids with him. Divorced over selfish money issues in 2006. Wish id come to my senses sooner.He always had the money for things HE WANTED but never for what we as a family needed.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/09/2021 17:16

He'd rather be/spend money with a mate than you. (if indeed it was a mate)
He's been getting/sending inappropriate messages.
He gets angry if you question him.
Sounds as if you either don't or are beginning not to trust him.

Personally, I'd dump him. Or at the very least 'downgrade' him from partner back to boyfriend. Less expectations with a boyfriend and more freedom for you to 'look around'.

VenusTiger · 04/09/2021 17:17

He wants you to find the receipt. That in my opinion is obvious OP. He's trying to disengage subtly by avoiding quality time with you i.e. taking you out.
You don't need to confront him, just tell him you understand it all now, just would've been better if he'd told you straight - he doesn't want to go out with you.
Then ask him how you're going to move forward from here - talk OP.
He can't accuse you of snooping in your own home - you were putting the keys away, you were putting the receipt somewhere safe, it's not a hidden receipt, it's in plain view. He wants you to find it.
He's got no balls.

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