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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hit the roof over this?

233 replies

Incredibad · 04/09/2021 16:18

My DP of three years is always saying he ‘can’t really afford’ dinner or a weekend away with me. Ive found a receipt for last week for the night when he went out for ‘a couple of pints’ with an old friend (what with being so skint and all) and it was in fact a swanky hotel restaurant clocking in at over £100.

Now what. Can’t confront cause even though he left the thing on the counter with his keys and change he’ll accuse me of going through his receipts, I know it.

OP posts:
50ShadesOfCatholic · 05/09/2021 10:55

This is not a good relationship. You can do much better, you just need to believe you are worth it.

KatherineJaneway · 05/09/2021 11:10

Someone I love clearly doesn’t want to spend time with me

Just doesn't want to spend money on the OP more like.

Marni83 · 05/09/2021 11:15

@KatherineJaneway

Someone I love clearly doesn’t want to spend time with me

Just doesn't want to spend money on the OP more like.

Well it’s both isn’t it?

I’m not inclined to spend money on people I don’t love

twelvefiftynine · 05/09/2021 11:15

Ah come on op. It's as clear as day this guy lies to you about everything. You won't get the truth out of him as he's a gaslighting prick.

You can have a committed relationship without children or marriage. Just not with him.

peaceanddove · 05/09/2021 11:22

OP, people tend to treat you in the way that you allow them too. You let him treat you like crap, so he does. It's really that simple.

There are so many other men out there who would treat you well and actively enjoy taking you out for a nice meal etc. Be with someone like that instead.

ThePlumVan · 05/09/2021 11:28

You know you can do better than this rubbish.

fruitbrewhaha · 05/09/2021 11:29

Eh? So he is allowed to lie and say he can't afford a nice meal out but your not allowed to look at receipts left lying around or look at his phone to see the time?

You don't live together, just tell him to go. It's pretty obviously a date. I do eat with friends in nice restaurants but can also do it with a DP, I also don't hide it or lie about it afterwards.

So don't hit the roof. Just tell him it's over. It's not working for you etc.

Branleuse · 05/09/2021 11:37

if he calls you paranoid, say "no, its pattern recognition and ive just been proved right"

He wont take you out, you dont feel special with him and now youve found out he actually lied about his finances and is more than happy to take someone else to a swanky restaurant and splash the cash, so I think whatever bullshit he spins you now, its up to you whether you accept his telling off and gaslighting, or whether you tell him to piss off

EmeraldGreenVelvet · 05/09/2021 11:44

@OhWhatsTheDifference

£100 in a swanky restaurant? Sure he was with a mate?
My first thought too
PicardyRose · 05/09/2021 12:01

Dump this lying, gaslighting arse then save up some money and go for a swanky meal with a friend or relative you enjoy spending time with.

ThePlumVan · 05/09/2021 12:02

@PicardyRose THIS ⬆️⬆️⬆️

lottiegarbanzo · 05/09/2021 12:02

If you can't have an honest conversation, there is no relationship anyway. So what are you asking? What do you want?

SnoopyLights · 05/09/2021 12:03

Can’t confront cause even though he left the thing on the counter with his keys and change he’ll accuse me of going through his receipts, I know it.

Groggylegs - he does say I’m controlling and paranoid

Maybe I am though

@Incredibad

Then why is he with you? If you go through his things and if you are controlling and if you are paranoid, why is he with you?

He doesn't live with you, I can't see that you've mentioned having children together, your finances are clearly separate. Why is he with you if you are this bad? It sounds like it would be very easy for him to leave you. Why has he not left?

Could it be because you are not these things, and that he is an abuser who has made you feel this way? And he's left that receipt on purpose for you to find, perhaps as a way to test you?

To see if you will question him about it - and be responsible for snooping through his things and causing an argument and proving you are paranoid and controlling?

Or to see if he has you trained well enough now that you won't say a word - but you will torment yourself wondering?

And if any of this is possible - why are you with him? Why are you with someone who is tight with his money and who paints you as paranoid and controlling? Why are you doubting yourself when you know you haven't looked through his things? Why are you with someone you can't speak to because you already know what he will say - and what he will say is that this is your fault? You deserve better than that from a partner.

KatherineJaneway · 05/09/2021 12:04

Well it’s both isn’t it?

I’m not inclined to spend money on people I don’t love

My point was more that he may not limit spending time with OP, but he doesn't want to spend any money on her.

Dillydollydingdong · 05/09/2021 12:04

You need a joint account specially set up for treats. Both tip in (presuming you're both earning?)

lottiegarbanzo · 05/09/2021 12:04

What to do, is tell him to go and live with his friend instead, surely. (I suspect he might go and do just that!).

lottiegarbanzo · 05/09/2021 12:08

I'm pretty sure he left it out deliberately, for you to see (or carelessly, because he doesn't care if you do). He's rubbing your face in it to see how much shitty behaviour he can get away with, with you.

He has no respect for you and does not love you but in some way it's convenient to him to have you hanging around, for now.

Do you have any self-respect? He doesn't seem to think so.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/09/2021 12:17

Its really sad that you feel you can't confront him with his provable lies because he will just counter accuse you of snooping, being paranoid, being "obsessed".
Its not snooping if he left it out for you to see.
Its not paranoia if he is really doing those things
Its not being obsessed if you are concerned that he is lying to you and seeing other women behind your back and you've seen evidence ( however this was seen) which seems to indicate this is the case.
If he was genuine, he'd talk to you about it, he'd explain, he'd be worried that you were so upset and try to put things right. Getting angry with you as if you have no right to discuss it with him is a different kettle of fish.
I would still try to discuss (rather than accuse) it with him and don't be deflected by the counter accusations - at least you will have a clearer picture of where you stand.

Tistheseason17 · 05/09/2021 12:50

Your appetite for Marriage/kids is irrelevant.

Staying with someone you cannot trust will make you go dolally - been there, done that. Ditch him and meet someone who will take you out and does not flinch if you pick his phone up to check the time.

There are plenty of decent blokes out there. Some people describe them as boring - I think of them as kind, caring, reliable - and that is way better than stomach turning insecurity.

Notsandwiches · 05/09/2021 13:00

You seem to have low self esteem because if you didn't you wouldn't put up with this. Stop wasting your life on this POS. You haven't described one positive in this "relationship". Get rid. No explanation needed. Do some work on your self esteem and build a life that's awesome and recognise you are worthy of love and accept nothing less. Your high standards will keep the losers out.

Givemethatknife · 05/09/2021 13:03

It doesn’t sound like you’re very happy with him, so I’d review the whole thing if I were you.

But if you can’t have an honest conversation about things like this, it is not for the long haul. I don’t think whether you want to get married or have kids is relevant, you can still have a plan to share the rest of your lives.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 05/09/2021 13:20

get out of this sham of a relationship op. for your self esteem if nothing else.

CovidDoesNotExistDuh · 05/09/2021 13:26

If he wanted to go out with you OP, he would.

You could go to a spoons/cafe type place and have a drink and food/cake for less than £20 together. Some community cafe places are way less, a bag of chips at the seaside is cheap .. etc etc.

Calmdown14 · 05/09/2021 13:26

If you don't want marriage and kids then that's surely even more reason you should be doing exciting things together?
Do you do nice things that don't cost money? Days out, walks on the beach, art galleries... whatever you are into?
I can totally understand why family life isn't for everyone but those people usually fill their time with a different kind of life.
Just because you don't want those things doesn't mean settling for a low standard of partner. Do you have shared interests and passions?
Hard to tell from a couple of posts but regardless of these issues, you're not really selling the positives of this relationship. Are there any?

2bazookas · 05/09/2021 13:28

He left it in full view.

Dump him, and tell him it's because he can't really afford you.