To hit the roof over this?

[Incredibad]

My DP of three years is always saying he ‘can’t really afford’ dinner or a weekend away with me. Ive found a receipt for last week for the night when he went out for ‘a couple of pints’ with an old friend (what with being so skint and all) and it was in fact a swanky hotel restaurant clocking in at over £100.

Now what. Can’t confront cause even though he left the thing on the counter with his keys and change he’ll accuse me of going through his receipts, I know it.

I would get rid & find someone better - there are a lot of decent guys out there & he isn't one of them

Honestly get rid of this person out of your life. Being alone would be way better than accepting this treatment.

The men who accuse their partners of being paranoid and/or controlling are usually the men who are up to no good.

Just dump him and don't tell him why.

So you don't live together and don't go on dates. What do you do? Just shag him when he comes round?

If that's the case have a proper think about what you actually represent in his life.

I was relieved to read you don't live together.

No advice from me, I honestly don't know what I would do. It is possible to go out for a drink or meal with friends and end up paying more than you anticipated - I've done it.

Perhaps it's your turn to be unable to afford things.

he does say I’m controlling and paranoid

Commonly referred to as gaslighting.

@Incredibad

Groggylegs - he does say I’m controlling and paranoid

Cheats & manipulators always say this OP.

Have you dumped his tight, cheating, lying arse yet?

The bottom line is that a relationship should make you happier than being single.

This man isn't making you happy.

Every day that you are with him is another day that you could be spending as a happy single, or dating and meeting the love of your life.

You've snooped through his phone and receipts so the relationship is dead no matter what he's been up to. Cut your losses and leave him.

When you say he's "always saying" that he can't afford dinner or a night out, what exactly does that mean? Does that mean that he literally never agrees to do it, and it only ever happens if you pay? Or does it mean that he pays for it once or twice a month, but you ask for it more than that, and he says no most of those times? If the latter, I wouldn't begrudge him choosing to go out with a friend one time, even if it meant one less night out for the two of you.

Would you also not begrudge him choosing to lie about it, @PurpleOkapi?

Because surely that's the main issue. Alongside his anger - not how many times OP actually gets to go on a date with him.

Cat jumper - I didn’t snoop through his phone, I tired it over to look at the time, the messages were on his Lock Screen?

Was the swanky meal a one of - if so i would let it go if it was catching with an old friend he hasn’t seen for a long time. Ie a special occasion.

However, if you suspect there are lots of meals or it was a date, then definantly confront him.

@Incredibad you are neither paranoid nor controlling. You are a perfectly normal person who has certain expectations, nay, minimum standards, as to what a healthy loving relationship looks like. Quite rightly so.

In no sane universe does noticing a receipt on the counter in your own home that you hadn't placed there constitute snooping. The fact you are nervous about asking him about it says a lot about your relationship.

You deserve a lot better. I know it's easy for me to say that, but honestly, you do. 💕 Find your inner lioness and roar! When you've done that and got rid of him, remember that lions and lionesses are some of the sexiest beasts on the planet. No honestly, look it up! Then after a little time licking your wounds, get yourself back into life and find someone who really deserves you.

I wish you the very best of luck. 😊💐.

He paid for the meal
The other person paid for the room.

@Incredibad

Wearetheheroes - in the last I’ve accidentally seen messages that seemed inappropriate on his phone when I flipped it to see the time (no I probably shouldn’t have but was late leaving for work) he accused me of looking nd now if I bring up something I’m paranoid and he uses seeing the phone as an example of me ‘being obsessed’

pumpkin - we don’t live together he was staying at mine and emptied his pockets on the counter

Glory be to god, you don't live together. Bin him. You don't even need to give him a reason.

Men typically don't go to fancy hotels/restaurants and spend £100 with other men.

You deserve so much more than this.

OK, so he thinks you are controlling and paranoid and not worth taking out for a meal with or going away with on a weekend. What are you getting out of this relationship? He's not exactly making you feel like a million dollars, is he?

@Incredibad

Groggylegs - he does say I’m controlling and paranoid

A text book example of gaslighting.

Don't hit the roof. He's not worth it and it won't change anything. Be icy cold as you tell him it's over. If you feel the need to cry or thump cushions, do it when he's gone. Don't let him see you.

Or do it by text and put anything of his in your house, including the keys, change and receipts, in a bag outside the door. Put the key in the lock your side if he has a key to your place to stop him getting in.

DO NOT let him convince you that it's in any way your fault. Keep shutting him down and repeat, in person or by text, 'it's over'

He's lied about where he was.

He's lied about being 'skint' ... only when it comes to taking you out.

He goes on the offensive immediately when you question anything any reasonable person would question in a relationship rather than address the question.

I'd take a huge step back and think about what you want in a partner and how you deserve to be treated.

what is listed on the receipt e.g. is it lots of beers or two dinners and cocktails?

I'm not surprised that he is skint when you're together... he's spaffing his money up the wall with someone else.
It doesn't really matter whether it's with a mate or another woman, he's lying to you.

He will most certainly protest, accuse you of snooping, controlling him because that's what gaslighters do. Make you feel bad because of their shitty behaviour.

You don't need this at all.

Some "men" of a certain type seem to know women are scared of being labelled controlling and fling it out there when they get called on their shit. Heaven forbid you aren't lavelled a "cool girl".

He is taking the piss. My ex always had money for his mates or takeaways but couldnt afford a day out with me. Turned out the shit was also lying to mutual friends about all sorts. So low was my (and, in hidsight, clearly also his) self esteem at the time that he asked if id had an orgy with his mates behind his back and i didn't split up with him l, only tried to promise id never have done that. So believe me when i tell you mem like that can sense a lack of self esteem and exploit you for their own benefit.

@Incredibad

Maybe I am though

No, that’s what he wants you to think @Incredibad so you won’t question him. He’s having his cake and eating it. I’m not normally one to say the LTB, but I think you know it’s the right thing to do.

Don’t let him gaslight you, this really isn’t your fault.

If he thinks you’re not worth a £100 evening out with him, then you need to find someone who thinks you are.

@bamboocat

The men who accuse their partners of being paranoid and/or controlling are usually the men who are up to no good.

Just dump him and don't tell him why.

I was about to say this. If he is cheating on you he will probably try and twist it so you seem paranoid. So there is no point even confronting him. I would just text him and say it's not working for you and he if tries to discuss it say there's nothing to discuss it's just not working for you.

You will gain nothing from having him confirm he is lying/cheating.