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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you get into debt to go to this wedding?

189 replies

IsoscelesSandwich · 03/09/2021 22:41

I really don't know what the right thing to do is. One of my oldest and closest friends is getting married in her fiancee's home country in just over a month. It's about a 4 hour flight away. Adding it all up, it will cost me about £500-600 to attend.
I have NO money. Every month is pay check to pay check, everything goes on bills, food and kids there is nothing spare and I have no savings. If I were to go, which I desperately want to, I'd have to take out a credit card. I'm paying off huge debt over the next four years and promised myself I wouldn't ever get in to debt again.
What would you do? Think fuck it, in the grand scheme of things £500ish quid is nothing, she's one of your best friends, do anything you can to go? Or not go? I'm going round on circles with this.

OP posts:
GintyMcGinty · 04/09/2021 11:37

If I was living paycheck to paycheck then no I wouldn't go.

2bazookas · 04/09/2021 11:57

You can't afford to go, end of.

There is absolutely no shame telling the friend so; if she's a REAL friend she knows your circumstances and would hate to worsen your debts or wreck your efforts to get straight.

Your travel budget is a shambles. It seems not to have allowed for the expense of covid testing before travel /to return home;; the costs of health and travel insurance in case you get stuck there longer than planne. for reasons beyond your control . Which any savvy Traveller should anticipate is highly likely during the pandemic, rapidly changing regulations and traffic light status, etc.

I'm afraid the fact you're even considering going illustrates exactly the kind of poor judgement and bad planning that gets people into deep doodoo and a financial mess. You've been there, you're still IN IT, PLEASE don't make it worse.

Any one can make a mistake, but smart people try NOT TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE TWICE.

Good luck with your recovery plan, and well done.

Sh05 · 04/09/2021 12:06

If she's one of your closest friends then I'd explain to her how you are just not able to come and why. She'll understand and probably be horrified that you are considering getti g into further debt to attend her wedding.
Anybody who has an overseas wedding would be unreasonable not to understand why all their potential guests can't make it.

drpet49 · 04/09/2021 12:08

For my oldest and closest friend I would go

InthearmyN0W21 · 04/09/2021 12:17

If you live in the same country, can you go to the hen night instead
Or
Go & visit your friend before or after the wedding

People who marry abroad, should not be expecting everyone who is invited to attend

AgentProvocateur · 04/09/2021 12:20

While I agree with all the previous posters, if I was the bride, I’d be devastated that one of my oldest and closest friends couldn’t afford to come to my wedding, and I would offer to pay for you.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/09/2021 12:25

@drpet49

For my oldest and closest friend I would go
Such a good friend would never expect you to put yourself in £1k+ debt for THEIR wedding
Georgewontsleepnow · 04/09/2021 12:26

No, do t go if you have to go into debt. And don't buy her an extravagant present or meal as that will look contradictory. Maybe write a heartfelt letter about your friendship for her to open while away.

If she offered to pay part, would you be able to contribute anything? Is saving £10 a week or a month possible?

SleepingStandingUp · 04/09/2021 12:27

I'd hope that she'd understand, but I'm not sure that she really would she doesn't need to understand what it's like to be skint, she just needs to accept that you're being honest and her wedding isn't more important than feeding your kids

Lockdownbear · 04/09/2021 12:28

The things to watch out for even if the Bride does offer flights and accommodation are other costs.
You still need transport to airport, gift, food and genral spending money for the time you are away. Additional hidden costs if you like that most won't think about but are worth considering when you are on a tight budget.

I'd just say No and ask about streaming.

Crowtooyo · 04/09/2021 12:30

I would not expect anyone to get in to debt to come to my wedding.

Sadly I think some people can't see how much it costs guests to attend their weddings, they become too engrossed in the planning and don't always think rationally.

If you were my longest and closest friend and I could afford it, i would pay for you.

wedwewerpink · 04/09/2021 12:30

Just as an aside how come you didn't save 10 a month from when you got the save the date OP? If your finances are THAT tight then I still stand by my original thought of no don't do it as you won't be able to afford the repayments will you?Or do you have any family/close friends you could borrow from?

TheTeenageYears · 04/09/2021 12:34

No. I got married abroad and would never have wanted anyone to do that to attend. That said, how long have you known/could you have saved money during that time and haven't/have you wasted money in that time which could have been saved and probably most importantly what have you said to your friend over the time since she told you about the wedding? The answer to those questions could completely change how you not going is seen but still doesn't change the fact that getting into debt to attend a friends wedding abroad is really not a good idea.

FinallyHere · 04/09/2021 12:34

No

I'm older now and am not ashamed to say that it would be madness to get into debt for what is essentially a holiday.

Some debt can be a worthwhile investment, buying an asset which appreciates like a house or for training for a better job. I'm afraid that this is just not one of those investments.

By all means explain to your friend why it will not be be possible for you to go, wish her well and suggest you do something together after she gets back.

It would also be lovely to remember the date and send her an anniversary card next year.

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/09/2021 12:37

I've been in this position and had to say no. I said that immediately the destination was announced. I couldn't afford it at the time and certainly wouldn't borrow to do it. Friend understood entirely. I went to the party she had when they got back.

Don't doubt yourself. People who have destination weddings have to accept that it's just not possible for some to attend. A good friend wouldn't want to you falling into further debt on her behalf.

leavesthataregreen · 04/09/2021 12:37

No. I would send her a handwritten letter saying you would love to come, you wish you could be there but your current financial situation means you'd have to get into debt to do so and that's a stress you can't handle or a risk you can't take right now. Ask if there's any possibility she can live stream it and organise with the head bridesmaid or best man to send her a video message sending your love for the big day.

Get her a present that you can afford which you know means a lot to her.

A good person will completely understand.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/09/2021 12:37

No, destination weddings are no fun when you are skint. I refused to go to my sisters destination hen do because I was a single mum and felt the money would be better spent on my DS. It would have taken us years to pay it back.

overnightangel · 04/09/2021 12:38

@Cillmantain

I wouldn't go. If she is a good friend she will understand.
This
ImInStealthMode · 04/09/2021 12:41

Don't go, it's one day and not worth the debt. We're getting married next year and DP's brother and family can't make it, because we live in different countries and they can't afford it.

It's sad but we understand and there's nothing can be done about it, we haven't chosen a 'foreign wedding' that's expensive to attend, we just happen to live several thousand miles apart.

When it comes to travelling for weddings that makes a difference for me actually, I didn't begrudge South Africa to see a South African friend marry, or Rome to see an Italian friend marry, but I did begrudge spending £1500 on a week in Croatia to attend the flashy 'destination' wedding of two people who had no connection to the country at all.

ApplesAreTheBaneOfMyLife · 04/09/2021 12:51

@leavesthataregreen

No. I would send her a handwritten letter saying you would love to come, you wish you could be there but your current financial situation means you'd have to get into debt to do so and that's a stress you can't handle or a risk you can't take right now. Ask if there's any possibility she can live stream it and organise with the head bridesmaid or best man to send her a video message sending your love for the big day.

Get her a present that you can afford which you know means a lot to her.

A good person will completely understand.

Excellent advice. This is exactly what I would do too.
Lockdownbear · 04/09/2021 12:58

@wedwewerpink

Just as an aside how come you didn't save 10 a month from when you got the save the date OP? If your finances are THAT tight then I still stand by my original thought of no don't do it as you won't be able to afford the repayments will you?Or do you have any family/close friends you could borrow from?
The Op is already trying to clear debt. The words of my mum "a fivers a lot when your skint". I'm sure if she could have saved she would have.
Wheresmybiscuit3 · 04/09/2021 13:01

No OP it isn’t worth it. You’ll regret going I think so please don’t Flowers

Tallisimo · 04/09/2021 13:02

No, I would not go. If your friend is truly your friend, she’d be horrified at the thought of you getting into debt just to attend!

Kisskiss · 04/09/2021 13:03

No don’t go if it puts u in debt! If she’s a true friend, she will totally understand if you explain your reasons

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 04/09/2021 13:07

No, certainly not regardless of whose wedding it was. Your children and existing debt should be the priority not attending an event.
It could end up being even more expensive than that of you can’t travel back due to covid etc.