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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you get into debt to go to this wedding?

189 replies

IsoscelesSandwich · 03/09/2021 22:41

I really don't know what the right thing to do is. One of my oldest and closest friends is getting married in her fiancee's home country in just over a month. It's about a 4 hour flight away. Adding it all up, it will cost me about £500-600 to attend.
I have NO money. Every month is pay check to pay check, everything goes on bills, food and kids there is nothing spare and I have no savings. If I were to go, which I desperately want to, I'd have to take out a credit card. I'm paying off huge debt over the next four years and promised myself I wouldn't ever get in to debt again.
What would you do? Think fuck it, in the grand scheme of things £500ish quid is nothing, she's one of your best friends, do anything you can to go? Or not go? I'm going round on circles with this.

OP posts:
ohwhattodowithmylife · 03/09/2021 22:59

No

NoSquirrels · 03/09/2021 22:59

In a similar situation at a similar time of life my (now) DH and I couldn’t attend some dear friends wedding as it was abroad and we were totally skint. (And in debt to pay off etc).

They’re still very dear friends decades later. They understood. A wedding (whilst important) is just a snapshot in time.

foodiemama26 · 03/09/2021 23:01

If it’s been sprung on you recently I wouldn’t. If it’s your best friend and I’d had a years notice I would. But I class some friends higher than family so it would depend how close.

Scarby9 · 03/09/2021 23:01

No. You can't afford to go. Simple as.

TeeBee · 03/09/2021 23:02

I wouldn't get in debt for my own wedding, let alone someone else's.

PinkFootstool · 03/09/2021 23:03

Christ no. I only got out of debt for the firstly time in my adult life last month. I'm 40.

Fuck foreign weddings on top of everything else. Look after you.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 03/09/2021 23:03

Absolutely not. I wasn't even prepared to get into debt for my own wedding

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 03/09/2021 23:04

I think the yabu / yanbu is confusing.

But no, I wouldn't go. And I'd expect my friend to understand.

Hellotoallmyfans · 03/09/2021 23:06

I haven't even RTT but NO I wouldn't get into debt for any wedding, not even my own.

The only good thing worth getting into debt for is a house IMO, as it's a sound investment and you'll live in it!

Don't do it OP!

nocoolnamesleft · 03/09/2021 23:06

Definitely not. Be honest with your friend that you'd love to go, and you're gutted that you can't, but you cannot afford it.

Notaroadrunner · 03/09/2021 23:07

No. If she's such a good friend she will know your circumstances and understand that you simply cannot afford it. You would be very foolish to go. That 5-600 will no doubt turn into more when you get there and have to eat out etc. Think of putting food on the table at home for your kids - that is your priority, not a wedding abroad.

MimiDaisy11 · 03/09/2021 23:07

I agree with others. Don’t go. Plus it could end up costing more as it’s amazing how much money is spent going to a wedding in this country.

catfunk · 03/09/2021 23:08

Absofuckinglutely not. If she's a real friend she won't make you feel bad or pressure you at all.

Kite22 · 03/09/2021 23:08

No idea what to vote in terms of whether YABU or not, as question isn't clear, but no, I wouldn't get into debt to go to a friend's wedding, and a good friend wouldn't want you to.
I do have one really good friend that got married in his wife's home country and we weren't able to get there. I do feel a bit sad, but it just is what it is. Totally right they got married in her home country, as they now live here. Wonderful to be invited, but totally the right choice not to go, and completely understood by the couple.

MrsSkylerWhite · 03/09/2021 23:10

No. If you were my friend I would be horrified at the idea of you going into debt on my behalf.

I don’t know what your friend’s financial circumstances are, but if I were she, I would cover your costs (because I’m able to do so and would want you there with me).

Can you have that conversation?

Original poster
IsoscelesSandwich · 03/09/2021 23:11

The save the dates were sent last year, but none of the detail has been confirmed yet as travel restrictions to the country were lifted only last week. I had been trying to save for it but it's been impossible, hardly scraped anything together. Miserable state of affairs, once I'm debt free hopefully things will improve. My friend is also quite well off and genuinely not having any money isn't something she's ever had to deal with. I'd hope that she'd understand, but I'm not sure that she really would.

OP posts:
Dashel · 03/09/2021 23:12

No I wouldn’t go either, I would still try and do thoughtful things with your friend before and after the wedding and I would be honest about why you can’t go.

I wouldn’t want anyone getting into debt for me

Notaroadrunner · 03/09/2021 23:15

@IsoscelesSandwich

The save the dates were sent last year, but none of the detail has been confirmed yet as travel restrictions to the country were lifted only last week. I had been trying to save for it but it's been impossible, hardly scraped anything together. Miserable state of affairs, once I'm debt free hopefully things will improve. My friend is also quite well off and genuinely not having any money isn't something she's ever had to deal with. I'd hope that she'd understand, but I'm not sure that she really would.
Sadly if she doesn't understand she's not much of a friend. Just be honest and tell her it won't be possible for you to fund the trip.
Lockdownbear · 03/09/2021 23:16

No don't go. You'd kick yourself if you went then needed money for something essential later.

Original poster
IsoscelesSandwich · 03/09/2021 23:16

Sorry - realise I totally ballsed the voting aspect of this thread. Really grateful for all the replies. I'm feeling like an unromantic Scrooge by considering not going, but thank you all for being so rational. It's helping.

OP posts:
Confrontayshunme · 03/09/2021 23:16

I just find it REALLY hard to believe you would be able to limit a foreign stay and wedding stuff to £500! Don't do it, as costs will inevitably spiral with passports, covid tests, clothes, etc.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/09/2021 23:16

Okay, so even if you were rolling in it a month is no time at all to fork out this much and arrange to go away. You won’t be alone in skipping it OP, I can’t see many people being able to attend. And a good friend would understand how unreasonable it is to expect this of you.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 03/09/2021 23:18

I loathe foreign weddings, partly for this reason.

No, I wouldn't go if it meant going into debt. But I would explain to her the reason why you would love to go, but can't.

Just to warn you OP, I know two people who both were in a similar situation to you and calmly explained that they couldn't afford it to the bride. Neither bride took it well, and it was the end of their "friendship". Some people go absolutely brizella batshit sadly.

MrsSkylerWhite · 03/09/2021 23:18

Honestly, I’d be devastated if I learned my wedding (any occasion) had put a good friend into debt. Talk to her, she’ll understand.

Larryyourwaiter · 03/09/2021 23:21

No. Especially as you have children. You need to prioritise what you have.
As PP said she’s not a friend if she is bothered. Tell her you just don’t have the money at all, if she doesn’t understand that…

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