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Original poster

Paying money for step child in uni

266 replies

Thinkingannie · 02/09/2021 23:09

I’ll try to put as much info as poss but will probably forget stuff so apologies in advance…

Background DH has a son from a previous relationship he has nit seen for over 11 years, not his fault. Access was stopped many times then resumed just as we went to court resulting in the court not putting a court order in place. We went to court twice. DSS and EX live approx 500 miles away we live in Scotland, them in the south west so husband has never been able to just pop over but has been turned away from weekend visits numerous times (after driving over seven hours to get there) costing a fortune in both petrol and a hotel room that is nit used but can’t be cancelled, more importantly the emotional toll was high on him. So after going to court twice then being at the ex’s beck and call for years eg phone call on a sat morning come and have DSS this weekend or you’ll never see him again or after driving down being told no you’re not having him now etc, when she stopped access the final time my husband just didn’t have it in him to go to court a third time and just left fighting for access for his own MH. Since then we’ve had no access, have been blocked on social media and have no idea where they live etc. So DSS is now 19 and we stopped CM, we then got a message chasing it up and found out that he is starting uni this month. We have confirmed that CM should be stopped at this point but offered to pay DSS some money direct, if he just sent us his bank details. My DH got a ton of abuse back, not sure if it was the ex who wrote it or the son but it was written as if it was the son.

The ex said you can still give me the money though and I’ll pass it on (not convinced this will happen as it didn’t when we had DSS staying with us as we often had to buy him new clothes pay school stuff etc.

Are we being unreasonable to refuse to pay anyone but DSS direct?

Sorry it’s so long..

OP posts:
Original poster
Thinkingannie · 03/09/2021 13:03

@Sparechange I’m so sorry you had to go through that, it was bad enough from our perspective but I always knew it would be far worse being the child, one of the reasons (and a PP also said it) DH decided to just say enough. Hope you and you’re brothers are ok.

OP posts:
ElephantOfRisk · 03/09/2021 13:19

Do you even know that he is going to Uni? Do you even know if he is aware his DM is asking for money? His Student Finance is based on the income in the house he lives in. Whilst it would be nice to offer him some additional support, I'd be wanting some kind of evidence and all money would go directly to him or indeed you could offer to pay his rent or something that would be difficult for him to be wheedled out of.

To be fair, even if he wasn't going to Uni and was maybe in a low paid apprenticeship, i'd maybe still be offering him some support but again, it would be direct. Not everyone completely cuts off any support to young adult children who are still not fully independent, even if it's paying for some groceries or not charging a full amount for their board if at home. Obviously not all parents can afford to do this.

Darker · 03/09/2021 13:27

@Collaborate

Lawyer here.

If the son wants support he'd have to apply for maintenance for himself. The mother can no longer apply on his behalf. In any event any order the court would make would specify payment direct to the child, If he's refusing to supply his bank details that's as good as saying he wants nothing.

How do we know he’s refusing? He may know nothing about the mother’s request for more money.
DDMAC · 04/09/2021 14:53

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through all that, I feel so sorry for your step son, it sounds like she’s not a nice person at all 😢

ThinWomansBrain · 04/09/2021 15:04

as we were strangers to him
quite - why does she or the son expect strangers to pay?
I feel sorry for the son - you don't know what stories/lies she has told him, or if he realises how instrumental she has been in preventing contact.

rainbowunicorn · 04/09/2021 15:54

@Willyoujustbequiet

You lost me at no contact for 11 years.

There is simply no excuse.

Maybe if you had bothered to read after that point you would see that sometimes there is no choice. I suppose though you wouldn't be able to come on with your judgy, bitchy comment that way.
InTheCludgie · 04/09/2021 16:33

OP so sorry to read what your DH has been put through, it's awful how some parents will use their children as weapons of a sort against the other parent out of spite, not considering that they are making their children victims in the process which can have long lasting consequences for them.

My parents had a very acrimonious split when I was a child, both of them would say awful things about each other to me and try to get me to repeat these things to the other parent. There were plenty of instances of them attempting to get 'one up' on the other one and using me to try and do that. I still feel a bit resentful towards them when I remember it.

Agree with pp's that there is no evidence that DSS is even going to uni, it may be a ploy from the mum to keep squeezing your DH for money.

LifesTooShortForYourNonsense · 04/09/2021 17:47

We are in almost exactly the same situation, we are just trying to find out if we can stop payment now SS is 18, but told it could be up to 21 in full time education? Nearly 2 years in court, thousands on solicitors, breaking of every order and agreement- it was awful. DH is going to write directly to his DS and explain the situation- happy to support him directly if going to uni, but I suspect we will get verbal abuse back.

Jellyrunner · 04/09/2021 17:48

I totally get the ‘stopping the fight’, watching your partner in pieces and getting nowhere is heartbreaking. Knowing he is such a good dad, yet being made out to be evil etc. Totally get it, we have stopped fighting snd DH sees his kids sometimes, but the venom and evilness hurled at him by both his ex and his kids at times is awful.

Ginandtonics · 04/09/2021 17:48

Son may be unaware, or groomed into believing that his dad is mean/evil etc. My brother's ex-wife got their kids to hate him. Sad as they got on great until she stopped contact in a similar way (long distance wasted visits) and presumably lied to the kids about why he wasn't there. Heartbreaking situation. Suggest face to face contact with son before parting with any cash, or via some sort of arbitration service if there is such a thing.

Cavementality · 04/09/2021 17:52

Please do not fund this abuse. If your step son needs financial support from his dad, he should contact him himself and have a polite conversation!

RenoSusan · 04/09/2021 17:57

Don't pay either directly. Get the name of the uni and verify he is enrolled and attending and then send them money directly. He is his mothers son and doesn't know how to spend responsibily. Verify each semester or quarter that he is still enrolled before sending money.

JonSnowIsALoser · 04/09/2021 18:14

This sounds extremely fishy. Why would anyone be extremely upset by an offer to have money paid directly into their bank account?! Either his mother is making it all up, or the son is so dominated by her that he really gets upset that the money goes to him and not to her. In either case, very unhealthy.

Just let her know money goes into his account, or there will be no money.

tommyhoundmum · 04/09/2021 18:16

The DSS, at 18, will have taken over, or should have, the money the Government gave him at birth and after. Money from the Government for his university fees and living costs will also go direct, so naturally your DSS should get any parental money direct to his account. Anything else would not be permitted.

JonSnowIsALoser · 04/09/2021 18:16

Paying directly to the uni as suggested above is an even better idea.

H0neylove · 04/09/2021 18:21

Medievalist
Did your DH try to initiate contact when his son became old enough for his mother to not be able to block him?
I always doubt 'not his fault'. Unless the child is moved to another country, it is the father's responsibilty to make the effort to see his child on a regular basis.

It is also the mothers responsibility to not treat her child as a pawn in her own games of control

Mamanyt · 04/09/2021 18:30

Although I would not send the son any money, and if asked why, tell the son that his message to his father was the reason. You'll know pretty quickly if he knew anything about it.

DonaPatrizia · 04/09/2021 19:13

Sorry this is happening OP. I don’t think you and your DH should pay either his ex or his son as things stand. My suspicion is your DH wants to pay because that’s the only vestige of a relationship he has with his son, but if he doesn’t even know where his son lives, there is no relationship, you are both just being shaken down.
If DSS wants to get in contact with DH then that would be quite easy through social media, but he’s choosing not to. It may be his mind has been poisoned by his mother or it may be he feels no connection. (The mother was definitely behind the abusive message, no student turns down money). Your DH has paid for years, which was the right thing to do, but has been deprived of a relationship with his son. The son is old enough now that if he wants a relationship with your DH, he can do so independently of his mother. Is there a family member who you can ask to say discreetly to DSS that if he wants to connect with his Dad, the door is open, eg an in law or family friend? The best you can attempt at this point is to try to communicate to DSS that you’d like to have a relationship with him.
Sadly, your DH may have to accept his son is not in his life, at least not for the time being. It’s always possible the situation will change in future. It may not, sadly, as his mother may have poisoned his mind irrevocably. But there’s no reason you should pay him directly, let alone the mother, when you are given abuse. Cut both of them off unless and until you are given an apology. It sounds harsh but this is a rabbit hole. No good will come of making concessions. The mother is a manipulator and a scam merchant who is taking advantage of your good nature and DH’s loss of his son.

Good luck.

ChristmasFluff · 04/09/2021 19:27

V fishy.

If he's going to Uni, the Student finance for England/Wales/wherever will ask for info.

And since he is not resident with you, yourDH income is of no consequence anyway.

Anything DH wants to give or not give, and who he wants to give it to, is up to him.

Hertsgirl10 · 04/09/2021 19:40

I would set up an account to put what ever money that you want to for him, not that you have to but if it’s what you want to do.

The ex sounds awful it’s obviously the boys mum that sent the msg it’s an awful situation to be in.

Wally1983 · 04/09/2021 19:47

Direct to him or not at all. Simple message. If either of them are that greedy to persue then they’d be told the same. Disgusting on either part and I’m sorry your going through this! Hope you can get it resolved that you can help contribute to his studies (should he wish the help going forward and you’re willing too!)

Baxterbear · 04/09/2021 20:19

Open a savings account and the absent dad can pay money into that for when/if the son has a relationship with him in the future.

impatientwatcher · 04/09/2021 20:59

I agree pay the child direct or not at all but, the son may not want the money. Even if he did contact his Dad, as you said the Dad has made no effort to contact his son for 11 years. Why? His Mum is apparently just too unpleasant to deal with. So the Dad left the son with a parent he knew to be a selfish and horrible person, as it was too hard for him?!? You realise exactly how shit that is going to sound to a young adult?

Also for the people saying call the uni etc, a uni will not even confirm someone is on roll without prior consent so you will get absolutely nowhere with that.

Queenofeverything44 · 04/09/2021 21:35

I would just put some money in an account so if/when dss contacts you, you have it to give him.
My ex paid me the maintenance through to college but when eldest dd went to uni he took some of her portion and paid directly to her and although she finished uni this may, he still pays it to he until she gets a decent paying job.
In your case it seems the mother is doing whatever she can to prolong the payments. Are you even sure dss has got into uni. She may be spinning a line.
Bank it and tell mummy dearest to bog off!

Pebbledashery · 04/09/2021 21:40

I don't blame your husband for not having the fight left in him. Usually I absolutely, categorically do not respect men who intentionally don't see their children, but having seen from your post the effort he's been to and just had the door slammed in his face, I can imagine he feels brow beaten. Don't give in to her demands, she obviously uses that money on her otherwise she wouldn't be bothered. Your SS is the only person to receive that money.

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