Paying money for step child in uni

[Thinkingannie]

I’ll try to put as much info as poss but will probably forget stuff so apologies in advance…

Background DH has a son from a previous relationship he has nit seen for over 11 years, not his fault. Access was stopped many times then resumed just as we went to court resulting in the court not putting a court order in place. We went to court twice. DSS and EX live approx 500 miles away we live in Scotland, them in the south west so husband has never been able to just pop over but has been turned away from weekend visits numerous times (after driving over seven hours to get there) costing a fortune in both petrol and a hotel room that is nit used but can’t be cancelled, more importantly the emotional toll was high on him. So after going to court twice then being at the ex’s beck and call for years eg phone call on a sat morning come and have DSS this weekend or you’ll never see him again or after driving down being told no you’re not having him now etc, when she stopped access the final time my husband just didn’t have it in him to go to court a third time and just left fighting for access for his own MH. Since then we’ve had no access, have been blocked on social media and have no idea where they live etc. So DSS is now 19 and we stopped CM, we then got a message chasing it up and found out that he is starting uni this month. We have confirmed that CM should be stopped at this point but offered to pay DSS some money direct, if he just sent us his bank details. My DH got a ton of abuse back, not sure if it was the ex who wrote it or the son but it was written as if it was the son.

The ex said you can still give me the money though and I’ll pass it on (not convinced this will happen as it didn’t when we had DSS staying with us as we often had to buy him new clothes pay school stuff etc.

Are we being unreasonable to refuse to pay anyone but DSS direct?

Sorry it’s so long..

There is no onus on any adult to support any child, even their own through uni so if your DH decided not to do this, it is fine. ( my ex didn't support his son financially).

Good on your DH for the support he has given and wants to continue with especially given how he has been treat.

Absolutely no money should go to DSS's mum. It probably won't be passed on.

In this situation about contact/addresses etc i would be tempted to set up an account, pay the money in and keep it until a time when/if DSS is in touch. It may happen in the future. At that point he would have a small lump some for a house deposit or similar whilst knowing his DF has thought about and planned for him.

@aSofaNearYou yes the child can take the parent to court to request the money

However as the father is happy to pay directly that shouldn’t be necessary. With a name, DOB and previous (or current if he’s still there) address an adult should be relatively easy to trace. So they can just get in touch with the son

For a start it sounds like the mother has completely alienated the child from his father. Which is awful.

However, I still wouldn't trust that the message came from the child. You have no way of knowing for sure.

I think you're right to not pay the mother, not at this point. Try to gain direct contact and see what happens from there. Leave it open for his son to contact him if he wants to, the offer is there.

Can you find the DSS through other social media? FB isn't the preferred contact of 19 year olds.

Even an Instagram photo of the uni would be a start.

@MelbourneTerrace

There is no onus on any adult to support any child, even their own through uni so if your DH decided not to do this, it is fine. ( my ex didn't support his son financially).

Good on your DH for the support he has given and wants to continue with especially given how he has been treat.

Absolutely no money should go to DSS's mum. It probably won't be passed on.

In this situation about contact/addresses etc i would be tempted to set up an account, pay the money in and keep it until a time when/if DSS is in touch. It may happen in the future. At that point he would have a small lump some for a house deposit or similar whilst knowing his DF has thought about and planned for him.

That’s not actually the case, it needs to go to court unlike child maintenance and I suspect that puts people off from applying www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/blog/parents-university-fees-and-child-maintenance/

How sure are you that DSS still lives with his Mum ?

Are you sure he's going to uni?

You don't really know if SS is going to Uni, or if this is a ploy for money.
There is no other logical reason for not allowing money to go directly to SS.

Can you look for son's address on the electoral role?
You have her bank details, She may live in the same town as her branch? You might get lucky. (shot in the dark)
If you could find her address you could go & visit & try & speak to SS, or send him a registered letter (anonymous) that hopefully she wouldn't open.

I have no idea if he still lives with mum or if he’s going to uni or if it’s a uni close by, no idea at all I have searched but can’t find any info online

@BungleandGeorge - oh no, I didn't know that...wonder if it can be applied retrospectively?
My DC's father completely refused and then turned up at the graduation ceremony..CF.

I don't think I could have afforded the cost and certainly the stress of going to court. Dealing with the CSA was far too traumatic!

@dworky

And driving 7 hours to see him knowing he may or may not be turned away at the door wasn’t making an effort?

I’m sure half the posters on this thread aren’t actually reading the OPs posts before jumping in with their ridiculous comments

Does SS not have a facebook or instagram account his dad can get a message to him through?

To give some perspective on what it’s like as a child of a mother who wants to prevent contact with the other parent, me and my siblings went through this after my parents got divorced.

My dad repeatedly went to court to try and see us. My mother knew every tactic in the book
Some times she just wouldn’t turn up to court - judge would throw it out and dad would have to start the whole process again
Sometimes she would turn up, nod along to the dressing down and then just totally disregard it

When he was awarded weekends, she would get us up and out of bed at 6am and drive us to a random friend or relative for us to spend the day
Other days we would literally sit in the car in a car park for hours listening to stories on the stereo until she thought he would have given up waiting at her house

We were told she was a victim of DV, that we were the product of rape, we were told my dad wanted to put us up for adoption
Horrific, constant lies

This went on for years. My dad nearly bankrupted himself with the legal costs but it got him nowhere
She remarried and changed my brothers names to her husband’s new surname when they started at a new school to make it harder for my dad to track them down, she moved house a lot to make it harder for him

Every part of her, and therefore our lives were governed by how she could keep us from seeing him

So all these posters with their bullshit ‘oh he didn’t try hard enough to see his son’
You have absolutely no idea what it’s like when a parent makes it their mission to stop their ex seeing their kids
You have no idea what it’s like as a child being poisoned against your parent. What it’s like to have memories of them being a loving parent and partner and to be gaslit and told it didn’t happen and they hated you
To be told you are unwanted and unloved m

It’s hell, for the child and for the parent

So think before you judge a situation you know very little about

There is no way the message was from SS - why would he be angry about money being sent to him direct instead of his mum, when if he wanted to he could then transfer any amount of it to her?

@Sparechange that’s so sad, I’m sorry that happened to you. What’s your relationship like now with your parents?

I wonder if OP’s husband might hear from his son once he is at university and away from mum.

If you use incognito mode on Chrome, you may have more luck finding DSS social media. TBH if he is going to uni, you might be better off waiting until the middle of term to contact him since he will be less likely to be in close contact with his mother, giving him time to think.

This sounds absolutely heartbreaking.

No I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I would maintain relations with the family and only send any money via official channels.

[quote Garriet]@Sparechange that’s so sad, I’m sorry that happened to you. What’s your relationship like now with your parents?

I wonder if OP’s husband might hear from his son once he is at university and away from mum.[/quote]
We are all NC with our mother, for a range of reasons but the main driver was the hell that she put us through as children
But I wouldn’t say any of us have a very close relationship with our dad either.
And we all have a bucket load of other issues with relationships, for obvious reasons

The only saving grace for my young brothers was that I was a bit older (14) when they split was so able to question a lot of her lies because I knew it was just not true
So I was able to tell my brothers it wasn’t true, and helped them to retain some of the truth about our dad, and not let her slam the door shut to him

But if I wasn’t around and she was able to poison them with her lies without anyone questioning her, there is no doubt they would have believed everything they said and not wanted anything to do with him when they were older
How could anyone want to be close to their dad after being told he was a bully who hit and raped their mum, and wanted the kids adopted out..?

Personally I wouldn't send any more money until you have evidence that he is actually going to Uni, if any more contact is made, just ask that DSS rings and speaks to his Father and they can organise any ongoing financial support between themselves. No communication, no money.

A light bulb just went off in my head.
UNI in uk is done on Household income.
So if the ex has someone living with her , they are required to top up the uni grant. I wonder if this has happened and she is finally getting karma.
You are not required to pay anything, and if the son is at uni he will get a full grant if her income is under 25k. Do not give her money.
Also make sure your Facebook is a picture of his dad and yourself, so if the son goes looking for you, once he is away from the mum that he can find you.

@Bollindger

A light bulb just went off in my head. UNI in uk is done on Household income. So if the ex has someone living with her , they are required to top up the uni grant. I wonder if this has happened and she is finally getting karma. You are not required to pay anything, and if the son is at uni he will get a full grant if her income is under 25k. Do not give her money. Also make sure your Facebook is a picture of his dad and yourself, so if the son goes looking for you, once he is away from the mum that he can find you.

They aren't required. It is what they expect to happen though.

@Thinkingannie who moved the 500 miles?

[quote FAQs]@Thinkingannie who moved the 500 miles?[/quote]
The ex to be with her new bf I think

No the Dad has paid more than he needs to for his child for 18ish years.
Now the mum is required to step up, IF and only IF her income is over 25k a year.
The son should have enough for rooms and food, UNI is not supposed to be a luxury life style.
The son can also contact his Dad, no one is stopping the child, and don't tell me he can't find his dad, as he knows where his dad lives.
The mum has no financial connections to OP and Partner now compulsary education is finished.

Lawyer here.

If the son wants support he'd have to apply for maintenance for himself. The mother can no longer apply on his behalf. In any event any order the court would make would specify payment direct to the child, If he's refusing to supply his bank details that's as good as saying he wants nothing.