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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Paying money for step child in uni

266 replies

Thinkingannie · 02/09/2021 23:09

I’ll try to put as much info as poss but will probably forget stuff so apologies in advance…

Background DH has a son from a previous relationship he has nit seen for over 11 years, not his fault. Access was stopped many times then resumed just as we went to court resulting in the court not putting a court order in place. We went to court twice. DSS and EX live approx 500 miles away we live in Scotland, them in the south west so husband has never been able to just pop over but has been turned away from weekend visits numerous times (after driving over seven hours to get there) costing a fortune in both petrol and a hotel room that is nit used but can’t be cancelled, more importantly the emotional toll was high on him. So after going to court twice then being at the ex’s beck and call for years eg phone call on a sat morning come and have DSS this weekend or you’ll never see him again or after driving down being told no you’re not having him now etc, when she stopped access the final time my husband just didn’t have it in him to go to court a third time and just left fighting for access for his own MH. Since then we’ve had no access, have been blocked on social media and have no idea where they live etc. So DSS is now 19 and we stopped CM, we then got a message chasing it up and found out that he is starting uni this month. We have confirmed that CM should be stopped at this point but offered to pay DSS some money direct, if he just sent us his bank details. My DH got a ton of abuse back, not sure if it was the ex who wrote it or the son but it was written as if it was the son.

The ex said you can still give me the money though and I’ll pass it on (not convinced this will happen as it didn’t when we had DSS staying with us as we often had to buy him new clothes pay school stuff etc.

Are we being unreasonable to refuse to pay anyone but DSS direct?

Sorry it’s so long..

OP posts:

Billybagpuss · 03/09/2021 08:46

Are there any other relatives, old friends you could contact to try and get a message to him?

crimsonlake · 03/09/2021 08:46

Your DSS will be receiving a student maintenance loan based on the income of the parent he lives with, this will be his DM. It is entirely up to your DH whether he provides some financial support whilst his DS is at uni.

shesellsseacats · 03/09/2021 08:47

Facebook constantly changes how it does things, but it used to be that after you unblocked someone, it wouldn't let you immediately block them again. You may have a window where you are still able to send a message via Facebook.

Darker · 03/09/2021 08:48

Do people not bother reading previous posts? I imagine it’s quite stressful for someone who comes on here for help to have to read through dozens of ‘why don’t you…’ messages when that’s already been answered.

SpaceshiptoMars · 03/09/2021 08:49

The whole setup looks distinctly hokey. As no payments went through the courts, are you even sure that this young man is actually your DH's son? Were DNA tests done? Is this why she was dodging the courts? Did she refuse contact once the boy's appearance made it clear that he was the boyfriend's son instead?

Also, if she moved six times, and from Scotland down to the south west - the boy's education has probably been thoroughly disrupted. Getting to university after that would be quite an achievement.

Another vote for a private investigator. Money worth spending to end this nightmare.

Chance5Are · 03/09/2021 08:49

Ie if they want more parental contribution he needs to be living with the parent who makes the loans less. No parent has to fund uni though. They’ve dug their own grave. If he wants his dad to contribute he needs to be living with him. The son getting maximum loans and extra cash from dad isn’t fair and will be a lot more than many students will have.

ChloeCrocodile · 03/09/2021 08:53

Seems a little strange that a 19 year old would be abusive and refuse money from someone who was willing to give it to him directly.

It depends what he has been told. A lot of 19yo still trust that their DMs are telling the truth and trying to protect them. If he's been told that his dad was flakey and unreliable, and that the contact stopped because his dad couldn't be arsed any more then he may well simply be really angry at his dad. Obviously that isn't the case here, but it is easy to imagine a 19yo believing it to be true (because it is actually pretty common).

OP, I'd echo other suggestions of keep paying the money into a separate account for your DSS. Hopefully he will at some point be curious enough to get in touch.

thoughtso · 03/09/2021 08:56

What a lot of drama!
I probably would be tempted to throw the towel in at this point.
His son is an adult, presumably knows where you live.
Let him get in touch directly one day if he wants.
I wouldn't be given any more money unless I had a relationship with the son.
Put the money you would have given him aside for him in case one day the relationship resumes and get on with your lives.

Darker · 03/09/2021 08:57

presumably knows where you live. What makes you think that? The mother has prevented contact for 11 years.

Soontobe60 · 03/09/2021 09:01

@Willyoujustbequiet

You lost me at no contact for 11 years.

There is simply no excuse.

What point are you trying to make?

Marmight · 03/09/2021 09:01

How do you actually know that DS is going to uni? He could be working full time or in an apprenticeship.

EXW could be just saying about uni to extract more cash from you DH for a further 3 or 4 years

LittleMysSister · 03/09/2021 09:02

Definitely don't continue to pay his mum. It's now her choice if she refuses to get DSS to contact you in order to get some money that would really help him out at uni. She's likely not even told him about any of this and obviously that message is from her.

If you can't contact him directly, I don't know what more you can do. If you know what uni he's going to, maybe your DH could send a letter to him there somehow? That's all I can think.

But definitely do not continue to pay her.

logincard · 03/09/2021 09:03

my middle son finished formal education and I have told my exH to stop paying maintenance for him - if he wishes to give money direct to his son then that's up to him/ them- but it should no longer go via me

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 03/09/2021 09:05

Pay an amount into a savings account so if he does get in touch and actually give his actual details and try to start a relationship DH can give it to him? But there's no obligation to do so.

Mrgrinch · 03/09/2021 09:08

What a nasty piece of work she is

Whatever you do, do NOT pay her anything directly.

Original poster

Thinkingannie · 03/09/2021 09:20

@HalzTangz so contact was every other weekend DH had him in a hotel in his home town (I obviously wasn’t allowed down). Then holidays term and half term he would have DSS up (I would have to move out when he was up) in reality about 20% of the time when he drove down she would turn him away saying no I’ve decided you’re not having him this weekend or just not be in and wouldn’t answer her phone. When coming up sometimes she would stop it last minute saying she had changed her mind.

If DH argued back he would list all contact for a few months until basically she has no sitter in which case he would get a phone call on the sat morning saying you can see DSS tonight but if you refuse you’ll never see him again.

Access would also stop if he did anything in his his life she didn’t like eg when we got married had our kids etc.

When access was denied for over four months without the random call saying come down now, that’s when we went to court (both times). This went on from when DSS was one (when she left) until he was eight or nine although the last time he came up to ours was when I was pregnant so he’s never met our kids.

DSS at that time did say his mum had told him that his dad didn’t love him anymore as there was a new baby on the way (it stuck in my mind as such a horrific thing to say to your own child) so I imagine she has continued with that narrative. My husband did see him for about a year after that but only by going to see him as he was no longer allowed up.

Hope that helps clarify, in a nutshell he had access as long as he did exactly what she said, when she said although sometimes she would just randomly take access away anyway.

OP posts:

Neverquitesure1 · 03/09/2021 09:24

@Thinkingannie I think it’s unlikely that your stepson is going to university. If that were the case I think that you’d have proactively heard about it from her to sort out money. I think that it’s a lie made up as a knee jerk reaction to the money being stopped.

You and your partner have been caught in this storm unable to think straight for years,

Stand your ground on this one re proof that he’s at university. I suspect he isn’t but even if he is, and you eventually get bank details, ex will likely want to take some or all of the money from him.

What about instead offering to cover rent and pay direct? That would make it easier for him to move out of this toxic home. Or alternatively pay something else direct.

But as I say, I think that your stepson isn’t going to university.

Don’t be guilted or manipulated. Stand your ground.

Finally, his dad did the right thing in stopping the battle. Sometimes, there comes a time (from professional experience) when the ongoing battle is worse for the child than the lack of contact. Your situation is one of them. Your partner did what was best for all involved.

Neverquitesure1 · 03/09/2021 09:27

@Thinkingannie p.s. under no circumstances should your decisions be affected by allegations of being controlling. Keep full control and explain that you’re doing so unashamedly to ensure that the stepson gets the full benefit. Simply make clear that he’s an adult and as an adult it’s appropriate that any sums are paid to him.

dworky · 03/09/2021 09:31

@Medievalist

Did your DH try to initiate contact when his son became old enough for his mother to not be able to block him?

I always doubt 'not his fault'. Unless the child is moved to another country, it is the father's responsibilty to make the effort to see his child on a regular basis.

Goingdriving · 03/09/2021 09:32

I watched a friend go through a similar scenario of extreme Parental alienation. It was very, very painful. Now the boy is older (19) he is slowly coming round, meeting his father, and getting an inkling of the lies and manipulations he’s been fed. he has seen a paper trail of proof of his fathers attempts at contact (ignored like yours), court appearances (emotional and financial drain), correspondence with an abusive mother (flat out lies) and it has really helped him realise that he was not abandoned (as his mother told him).

You need never have anything to do with this woman again. Definitely don’t give her any money. He’s not a child anymore and she does not sound reliable or honest. He may not even be going to university. If he doesn’t want to speak you at this age he can meet and tell you that himself. And if you’re going to pay for him towards university you most definitely have a right to know what university and what course.
I also think that you should feel free to snoop as it’s not for ill ends and I don’t think you can be sure that the son doesn’t want contact or knows the full truth.

DancesWithTortoises · 03/09/2021 09:35

Just stop paying OP.

In the fullness of time DSS will see exactly what his mother is. Not one penny more in her greedy little purse.

aSofaNearYou · 03/09/2021 09:36

I always doubt 'not his fault'. Unless the child is moved to another country, it is the father's responsibilty to make the effort to see his child on a regular basis.

That's probably because you've never had to spend your life fighting for something that is never going to happen because it is entirely at the mercy of somebody else who is not reasonable.

Bollindger · 03/09/2021 09:37

Your DSS has grandparents and in laws find them on Facebook maybe. Or via home address.

MzHz · 03/09/2021 09:38

@Willyoujustbequiet

You lost me at no contact for 11 years.

There is simply no excuse.

Guessing you didn’t actually read the whole op…

🙄

MrKlaw · 03/09/2021 09:41

Its tricky - while they are adults at 19, the household income is also taken into account when calculating student loans etc.

Its possible that if you send X amount directly to the DSS, the mother may reduce any contribution they make. So the DSS isn' tlosing out but isn't getting the full benefit either. So effectively the mother is getting the benefit of that.

Id' still prefer like OP to transfer directly to the DSS and potentialy (if desired) try and contact directly now they are 'independent' of the parent.

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