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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm not a bridesmaid

502 replies

again2020 · 02/09/2021 22:39

Posting here for traffic.
A bit shakey so excuse typos.

I've found out tonight that DPs sister is not having me as a bridesmaid/maid of honour.
Every other woman in the immediately family is involved; (obviously) MIL, 2 SILs, her neice and grooms 2 sisters . My daughter is also a flower girl!
They are all going to try dresses on at the weekend and it's only through a chance text that was mistakenly sent to DP that we found out.
MIL has rung me apologising, but she's can't give me a real reason why.
For 9 years, bar an admitted quite bad argument between my mother and MIL which SIL was involved in when my daughter was young, we have been reasonably close, had fun together and I've always got on well with her. I will admit I'm not as close to her as the other two SILs. But SIL (bride to be) didn't tell me, MIL let slip after the chance text.
I feel pretty upset and numb. DP is very close to his sister and I can tell he isn't happy either.

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!
So how do I behave now? I need to be the bigger person and not let it show it upset me but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this? I have a year to get used to the idea but I'm not someone who hides feelings well.
What about hen do etc? I feel like I don't really want to speak to any of them at the moment.
Tell me if I'm hugely overreacting.
Thanks

OP posts:

ToffeeForEveryone · 02/09/2021 22:44

When you say other SIL are involved, do you mean the bride's actual sisters (your SILs) or SILs to the bride, i.e. wives of the bride's other brothers? I think that makes a difference.

Halo1234 · 02/09/2021 22:45

Don't take it personally she cant have everyone. She picked who she is closest too. You can still go to the hen do. I have 2 sister in laws one (who i am closest with) was bridesmaid at my wedding the other was a much wanted guest. Life is too short dont look into it too deeply. I like both my sister in laws and would be there for them anyway I could. Just didnt want another bridesmaid and was not the close to one (both dh sisters). You are over reacting.

Original poster

again2020 · 02/09/2021 22:45

Bride to be has three brothers (no sisters) . The other two brothers wives are bridesmaid.

OP posts:

Original poster

again2020 · 02/09/2021 22:47

@Halo1234 Thank you...I probably needed to hear that. She isn't close to her husband to be's sisters but maybe did that out of duty.

OP posts:

Lindaloo08 · 02/09/2021 22:47

You get on well with her but you're not that close, why would she have you as bridesmaid? My bridesmaids will be people I want not that I am made feel I have to have so as not to offend. She has chosen your DD to represent your family so isn't ignoring your house.

Wolfiefan · 02/09/2021 22:47

You don’t have a large role.
Step back.
Turn up and let your child be a flower girl. Be a guest. Take no further part. DP can manage anything more needed.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2021 22:48

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!

That the thought even crossed your mind even if only so you can say you won’t do it, is really concerning.

Milkbottlelegs · 02/09/2021 22:49

but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this?

It’s your DD that has a role in the wedding, not sure why you think this gives you a large role.

Sounds like a hell of a lot of bridesmaids already. And you said yourself she is closer to the other SILs. Maybe she has asked them as friends rather than family? She needs to draw the line somewhere and she has asked your daughter to be a flower girl.

FortunesFave · 02/09/2021 22:49

I think you're overreacting OP sorry. She doesn't have to have you...you might be friendly with her but she's not your best friend obviously. She is as you say, close to the groom's sisters and that's who she wants....which is up to her. At least she's asked your DD! I think you need to put your big girl boots on a bit....this sort of thing is what children get sad about not adults.

SummerWhisper · 02/09/2021 22:49

When you say she can't give me a reason why did it seem as though there is a reason that she can't disclose, or that she has no idea?

Awrite · 02/09/2021 22:49

Lucky escape if you ask me.

My sister was both my sil's bridesmaid. I was relieved not to be asked either time.

Your daughter is representing you. Look at it that way.

AdriannaP · 02/09/2021 22:51

Please OP - it’s her wedding and her choices. You had a big fight some years ago and clearly you are not super close. You can still support her wedding day, have fun on the day and support your little girl. Would you rather she only chose you out of feeling guilty?

You are making too much of a drama out of this - people can have the wedding they want.

Chloemol · 02/09/2021 22:52

Personally I would do only what is needed for your daughter as flower girl, eg taking her to fittings etc and nothing else , I would only attend as a guest

UnsuitableHat · 02/09/2021 22:52

This prob won’t be helpful but I’m going to say you had a lucky escape. None of the pressure, wear what you want and no extra obligations on the day. Take it on the chin; just go to the wedding and enjoy as much as you can. Hen do your choice.

Howshouldibehave · 02/09/2021 22:52

If you’re not very close to someone, then why do you think that they would they ask you to be their bridesmaid?!

YABVU!

Echobelly · 02/09/2021 22:53

I think she probably just didn't want too big an adult bridal party and you weren't a priority; it's not (generally) like the US here where there are really big bride and groom parties at wedding.

I wasn't MoH at my sister's wedding and she wasn't BM at mine, even though we don't have any extended family we'd ever be able to do that for, it just wasn't what either of us wanted.

Ionlydomassiveones · 02/09/2021 22:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Hawkins001 · 02/09/2021 22:53

Tis unusual, all the best op

SparklingLime · 02/09/2021 22:53

I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl

How is mum of flower girl a “large role in the wedding”? It isn’t.

You sound very upset and dramatic about it, but I’m sure you’ll get used to it and put it in perspective given time.

Kithic · 02/09/2021 22:53

@AnneLovesGilbert

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!

That the thought even crossed your mind even if only so you can say you won’t do it, is really concerning.

Really? Have you not read the batshittery that happens at weddings?

Marmalady75 · 02/09/2021 22:54

Go on the hen night if invited. Hand over your DD on the morning of the wedding to get ready with the bridal party then relax in the knowledge that you don’t have a big role and can enjoy yourself, drink, eat, mingle and have fun because the bridesmaids will all be too busy running after the bride and posing for loads of pictures to actually relax and enjoy the whole day.

Original poster

again2020 · 02/09/2021 22:54

We are close though! Had a big barbecue in their garden just the other week, lunch out a few weeks ago etc. But I know what you are saying. Can't tag sorry.

Thanks to everyone who replied.

OP posts:

Milkbottlelegs · 02/09/2021 22:54

@Chloemol

Personally I would do only what is needed for your daughter as flower girl, eg taking her to fittings etc and nothing else , I would only attend as a guest

Well that’s the only choice really open to her. Unless you think she has the option to just pitch up as a bridesmaid regardless?!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/09/2021 22:56

Lucky escape, it's a total bore. Even more so for a huge wedding party - endless debates about which (hideous) dress will suit everyone.

"MIL, 2 SILs, her neice and grooms 2 sisters . My daughter is also a flower girl! "

Presume MIL is "involved" as mother of the bride ; but is your SIL actually having 5 bridesmaids and a flower girl (your DD)? ?? She's probably run out of friends on her fiancé's side to match them all off! That will cost a fortune and well will look a little tacky imho.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/09/2021 22:56

but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl how old is she?

Do the other SILs have children?

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