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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not a bridesmaid

502 replies

again2020 · 02/09/2021 22:39

Posting here for traffic.
A bit shakey so excuse typos.

I've found out tonight that DPs sister is not having me as a bridesmaid/maid of honour.
Every other woman in the immediately family is involved; (obviously) MIL, 2 SILs, her neice and grooms 2 sisters . My daughter is also a flower girl!
They are all going to try dresses on at the weekend and it's only through a chance text that was mistakenly sent to DP that we found out.
MIL has rung me apologising, but she's can't give me a real reason why.
For 9 years, bar an admitted quite bad argument between my mother and MIL which SIL was involved in when my daughter was young, we have been reasonably close, had fun together and I've always got on well with her. I will admit I'm not as close to her as the other two SILs. But SIL (bride to be) didn't tell me, MIL let slip after the chance text.
I feel pretty upset and numb. DP is very close to his sister and I can tell he isn't happy either.

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!
So how do I behave now? I need to be the bigger person and not let it show it upset me but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this? I have a year to get used to the idea but I'm not someone who hides feelings well.
What about hen do etc? I feel like I don't really want to speak to any of them at the moment.
Tell me if I'm hugely overreacting.
Thanks Brew

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/09/2021 22:58

Flowers just hold your head up and disengage. At least you don’t have to spend Fortune on hen do’s

Luzina · 02/09/2021 22:59

Deeply breath and let it go. She’s asked your DD to be flower girl- better that she included her and excluded you than the other way round

LublinToDublin · 02/09/2021 22:59

I fully understand why you feel upset as other dils are bridesmaids.
Just a thought- do the other sils have dc? Could the plan be that one member of each sibling family is in the bridal party? And your dd is the one from yours?

Notalotofinspiration · 02/09/2021 22:59

In the nicest possible way, you need to chill the fuck out.

You are not that close to this woman. She's asked your daughter to be flower girl so she's not exactly snubbed you. Feeling "numb" is a massive over reaction.

Original poster
again2020 · 02/09/2021 22:59

Yes sorry, SILs children, and mine are all flower girls. Thanks everyone for giving me food for thought Flowers

OP posts:
StarryStarrySocks · 02/09/2021 23:00

Could be worse OP, could be your own sister who didn't ask you to be a bridesmaid. Yes I am still bitter...

Seriously though, I agree with PP that you have had a lucky escape. Turn up to the wedding rocking a fabulous dress, much nicer than whatever the bridesmaids have been forced to wear!

FortunesFave · 02/09/2021 23:00

So you're close but you're not THAT close in her mind. Accept it. It's not about you. You're an adult op! You don't need a bloody bridesmaid dress and a day flouncing round!

scarpa · 02/09/2021 23:01

I know it probably feels a bit shit initially, but realistically - I wouldn't have my sister in law, lovely as she is, as a bridesmaid unless we were close (i.e. I classed her as a 'friend' who I spent time with independently). Which it sounds like you're not, but she is with the other SILs? I think that's pretty normal - I know a woman who married a guy with 4 sisters (and a brother, who was a groomsman). Two of the sisters are close with my friend, they spend a lot of time together - they were bridesmaids, along with two of her other friends. The remaining sisters were guests as normal.

So I don't think it's making a deliberate singling out of you, just that she's close enough to them to have them in her bridal party and not you. I'm assuming you're not close, so I don't know why you'd need to try and hide angry feelings about it - totally normal. Give yourself a gentle talking to and enjoy getting to see your DD get a cute new outfit and be excited. Smile

faithfulbird20 · 02/09/2021 23:01

It's a form of bullying isn't it to single you out right? Obviously she's been holding grudges and that's unfair for her to take it out that way. Yeah she wanted to hurt you. Go to the wedding and enjoy yourself. I'm sure your daughter will feel for you and hurt that her mother wasn't chosen. I honestly don't get why women have to be so bitchy.

You don't need to be the bigger person. Yeah she hurt you and you have a right to be upset. I hope you show how upset u are to DH. I wouldn't bother with her anymore because she's let you know where ur relationship stands and how she feels for u. Get a crappy gift but enjoy yourself.

FortunesFave · 02/09/2021 23:01

@StarryStarrySocks

Could be worse OP, could be your own sister who didn't ask you to be a bridesmaid. Yes I am still bitter...

Seriously though, I agree with PP that you have had a lucky escape. Turn up to the wedding rocking a fabulous dress, much nicer than whatever the bridesmaids have been forced to wear!

Did she have other adult bridesmaids? My sisters didn't ask me but neither had adult bridesmaids. My best friend didn't ask me because she just had one child bridesmaid. Which is fine...I'd never assume I was deserving or had a right to it....people can choose.
Original poster
again2020 · 02/09/2021 23:02

Thank you! I can accept it.
I would have liked her to tell me rather than by some chance mistake.

OP posts:
Happylittlethoughts · 02/09/2021 23:02

I know for sure you're about to get the "It's her wedding and she can choose who she wants- how dare you feel hurt!?" Technically we can all agree that's true.
But, you know what? Of course this hurts. When you are the only female obviously excluded in the family I would feel that too.
The sheepish MIL and sneaking around suggests others know it's not a great situation either. So you are not alone in knowing something is amiss.
As for what you would ... Well that will be very different for everyone. I would need time to lick my wounds in private for a good while, then consider how I want to move forward. For me t
I'd be cooler and less involved in DPs family .I would certainly re-evaluate my position with SIL. You can smile and be polite and chatty , after a while your hurt might fade and you can carry on as before. After a while it might feel like the coolness is where you want to stay.
No need to rush into things. Stay busy and less involved while you process this.

timeisnotaline · 02/09/2021 23:04

Try not to take it to too much to heart as weddings are tricky, but clearly there’s something there. So move on, don’t invite her for lunch, if it’s all getting stressful you can be sick for the hens, do what’s asked for the flower girl bit minus gushing and trying to help with everything, and enjoy that you don’t have to organise friedns and can relax and enjoy the wedding. Make sure your dp is aware you feel offsided so at the wedding he doesn’t wander off with his family and leave you feeling sensitive. He could even take your daughter to the rehearsal if they have that.

Auroreforet · 02/09/2021 23:04

Let dp do flower girl duties.
Drink champagne and play a mental game of who's got the best outfit, hat etc..
You can have much more fun as a spectator.

I used to be in a choir and sometimes we sang at weddings. It was great observing without being involved.

FibroidFanny · 02/09/2021 23:05

I would probably just ask who will be responsible for the flower girls on the day (as you need to hand DD over in the morning) and then just relax....

faithfulbird20 · 02/09/2021 23:06

I'd give her a taste of her own medicine later on. Invite her to a function you're holding and don't acknowledge her but acknowledge the other SILs etc.

I don't get everyone saying YABU because it's her wedding. Once you're married family is family and you don't isolate anyone. But obviously not everyone has a clean heart.

HaveringWavering · 02/09/2021 23:06

I can’t believe any adult woman would give a shit about being a bridesmaid. It’s a bit childish.

StarryStarrySocks · 02/09/2021 23:06

@FortunesFave She didn't, no. I was only joking about being bitter, I should have put the Wink. I do agree with you that people can choose or not choose whoever they like. It just would have been nice to be asked!

YukoandHiro · 02/09/2021 23:07

Your daughter is your proxy clearly.

Welcome to parenthood. You're "DD's mum" rather than your own name now 🤷🏻‍♀️

faithfulbird20 · 02/09/2021 23:08

How are you feeling about going? Anxious? Like what if people ask you about why you're not a bridesmaid either....

YukoandHiro · 02/09/2021 23:08

And what @FibroidFanny said

PhoboPhobia · 02/09/2021 23:08

I can see why that's upsetting. Not so much the fact that she hasn't asked you but the fact nobody has told you and it sounds like you weren't meant to find out yet. Why be sneaky about it?

idontlikealdi · 02/09/2021 23:09

Pass
Your daughter to whoever will be responsible and then go and be a relaxed guest drink all the champagne

SleepingStandingUp · 02/09/2021 23:09

but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl you also need to massively reign in this idea that your daughter makes you a star of the wedding. You might need to be there to get her dressed but then you'll be sat with everyone else.

Newchances · 02/09/2021 23:09

It's Natural to feel hurt and feel that you maybe vauled the relationship more so than she did. But you have to be the bigger woman and suck it up. As you will only look jealous