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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not a bridesmaid

502 replies

again2020 · 02/09/2021 22:39

Posting here for traffic.
A bit shakey so excuse typos.

I've found out tonight that DPs sister is not having me as a bridesmaid/maid of honour.
Every other woman in the immediately family is involved; (obviously) MIL, 2 SILs, her neice and grooms 2 sisters . My daughter is also a flower girl!
They are all going to try dresses on at the weekend and it's only through a chance text that was mistakenly sent to DP that we found out.
MIL has rung me apologising, but she's can't give me a real reason why.
For 9 years, bar an admitted quite bad argument between my mother and MIL which SIL was involved in when my daughter was young, we have been reasonably close, had fun together and I've always got on well with her. I will admit I'm not as close to her as the other two SILs. But SIL (bride to be) didn't tell me, MIL let slip after the chance text.
I feel pretty upset and numb. DP is very close to his sister and I can tell he isn't happy either.

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!
So how do I behave now? I need to be the bigger person and not let it show it upset me but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this? I have a year to get used to the idea but I'm not someone who hides feelings well.
What about hen do etc? I feel like I don't really want to speak to any of them at the moment.
Tell me if I'm hugely overreacting.
Thanks Brew

OP posts:
memberofthewedding · 03/09/2021 00:32

I was once asked to be a bridesmaid at a big wedding and politely declined. Boy was I glad! Hideous dresses (which the BM were expected to pay for themselves) and a bridezilla and motherzilla.My sister also asked me to be her MOH as a duty and I also refused and urged her to ask a close friend from work. Another lucky escape. Glad in the end I was just another guest at these functions and could blend into the crowd..

toomuchlaundry · 03/09/2021 00:35

Are the other SILs married?

Hathertonhariden · 03/09/2021 00:41

I assume she won't be asked to be in your bridal party then?

JustLyra · 03/09/2021 00:46

Make sure you don’t end up as the on the day babysitter of all the kids while the adult members of the bridal party are off for photos and the likes.

Kite22 · 03/09/2021 01:01

Huge over reaction

Why would you be asked ?
You have said I'm not as close to her as the other two SILs

Indeed, you are also not a SiL.

I'm not sure what you were expecting a text to say Confused. People don't normally go about telling everyone who isn't going to be a BM, that they aren't going to be a BM. I mean, that would be odd.

I wasn't asked to be BM when dh's sister got married, nor when my DB got married. It would have been nice, but they had other folk who were closer, and I totally understood that. It isn't a snub or a rejection to not be a BM somewhere - it is up to the bride, taking into account who else they have that is close to them.

LuluJakey1 · 03/09/2021 01:12

Let it go. It doesn't matter. Get a lovely dress, have a nice day - be glad you escaped all the pressure and faffing on. Let one of your SILs take on looking after DD as flower girl and take a step back. It doesn't matter.

LuluJakey1 · 03/09/2021 01:16

I'd be really relieved.

Explosivefarts · 03/09/2021 02:20

@Hathertonhariden

I assume she won't be asked to be in your bridal party then?
This is a good point have you asked her to be your BM at your wedding OP?
me4real · 03/09/2021 03:19

Could it be that she only wants wives/actual SiLs, as bridesmaids, because otherwise a random ex of her brother's could be in her wedding pics for ever?

I know 50% of marriages end in divorce or something, but separation is more likely among unmarried couples.

Flower children are just there to look pretty so it's not the same.

If you were an actual SiL she might've asked you. x

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/09/2021 03:35

YANBU to feel hurt.
My best friend didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid for her wedding and I was really gutted.
But then she asked me to do a different job instead - so I was still part of the wedding, just not a bridesmaid. It still hurt though - I could have done both!

A wise friend of mine helped me choose an outfit - she prevented me from considering having the same colour as the bridesmaids (which would have been petty, immature and looked desperate, she said) and I was still included in some wedding party photos because of the other role I had taken.

Still rankled though.

1forAll74 · 03/09/2021 03:35

Well you will still be attending the wedding, so just concentrate on you daughters little duties. and I guess you will still be in the Photo's !

PlasticDinosaur · 03/09/2021 04:25

I'd be put out by the behaviour surrounding this rather than the action itself. The hurried excuse making is a bit telltale.
My own sister didn't make me a bridesmaid and I was absolutely gutted. The feeling didn't last though as I got to drink far more wine than the bridesmaids and I didn't have to faff about with getting ready etc. Have a lovely time at the wedding and try not to think about it? It'll be old news before you know it.

NashvilleQueen · 03/09/2021 04:51

*I'd give her a taste of her own medicine later on. Invite her to a function you're holding and don't acknowledge her but acknowledge the other SILs etc.

I don't get everyone saying YABU because it's her wedding. Once you're married family is family and you don't isolate anyone. But obviously not everyone has a clean heart*

Just to say that this is the worst possible advice on the thread. She hasn't done anything wrong by not asking someone related to her by marriage to whom she is not close to be her bridesmaid. Suggesting the OP up elaborate revenge plans is childish and pathetic.

OP you can't help how you feel but I do wonder about your motivation. If you're not that close to her why do you even want to be a bridesmaid? I would only ever do it for genuine friends or mine. Not for people I'm related to by marriage. It sounds as though it's because you think you're missing out rather than because of a closeness in the relationship and I'm afraid that I think you need to get over yourself (in the nicest possible way).

NashvilleQueen · 03/09/2021 04:51

First two paras there should have been in bold but it didn't work. It was some advice unthread I was quoting

Rhinothunder · 03/09/2021 05:12

I'd be upset. Not because of being a bridesmaid per se but because it's spelling out loud and clear to you, plus wider friends and family, that you are not close to your inlaws as you thought you wete, and definitely not as close as the other SILs

Rhinothunder · 03/09/2021 05:14

Basically they have snubbed you publicly. Sorry OP.

HungryHippo11 · 03/09/2021 05:23

@Notalotofinspiration

In the nicest possible way, you need to chill the fuck out.

You are not that close to this woman. She's asked your daughter to be flower girl so she's not exactly snubbed you. Feeling "numb" is a massive over reaction.

Yeah sorry but I agree with this. I get on with my sisters in law but I wouldn't have even considered that I would be their bridesmaids.
LizziesTwin · 03/09/2021 05:24

These sort of problems make me feel very old. I thought bridesmaids would be unmarried .& without children. One matron of honour who’s married. How big is this wedding?

Tealwarrior · 03/09/2021 05:31

Op, it seems your SIL to be chose one member of the wedding party from each branch of the family and in your case you’re daughter is to be a flower girl. I doubt it’s a slight that you’re not a bridesmaid as 3 would be a bit much but two with a flower girl is nice. Maybe they even thought you’d be upset if they didn’t have her as a flower girl.

Do you have a large role in the wedding? No. Thats the bride and groom. All you have to do on the day is get your daughter dressed and try to have a nice time.

lovethisjourneyforme · 03/09/2021 05:43

Be grateful, being a bridesmaid is a colossal waste of your time. I couldn't be assed with going "oooh, ahhh" over a bunch of ugly dresses. Also, you can get sloshed at the bar whilst someone else gets to hold the brides dress whilst she pees. Nooo thank you.

cestunestilo · 03/09/2021 05:47

Yeah bring a bridesmaid is shite. Just be awesome, look stunning and have an amazing day .

RiversideAnne · 03/09/2021 05:49

I agree that it’s a bit shit. It doesn’t sound like you’re super close to the bride so I do sort of understand, but equally it’s really rude for you to be the only adult female in the family who is excluded. And they clearly know that or your MIL wouldn’t have apologised when you found out!

I think you’re right that in time the hurt will fade, but feel free to pull back on your relationship with your SIL a little to protect your feelings now that you know she won’t give any consideration to yours Flowers

onelittlefrog · 03/09/2021 05:50

It sounds like she has asked her immediate/ blood family and has also included your daughter as a flower girl. What's the problem?

I never understand why people take these things so personally. Just go along and enjoy yourself.

onelittlefrog · 03/09/2021 05:52

@Rhinothunder

I'd be upset. Not because of being a bridesmaid per se but because it's spelling out loud and clear to you, plus wider friends and family, that you are not close to your inlaws as you thought you wete, and definitely not as close as the other SILs
Why does it matter, though?

So you're a bit less close to someone than other people are. Is it really a big deal? Not everyone can be everyone's bestie. People take these things way too personally.

Bluntness100 · 03/09/2021 05:56

I genuinely can’t understand posts like this and some of th responses. To be so emotionally involved in someone’s wedding, to want to be a bridesmaid so bad and to declare that you’re having a large role in thr wrdding because you’re kids a flower girl, I just can’t even get my head round,

You’re a guest, your child is the flower girl, it’s her wedding, you’re not entitled to be a bridesmaid, she needs to pick those she’s closest to, it’s her wedding and it’s so so not about you.

Please stop making it about you becayse you’re just going to cause even more issues, there’s nothing to be hurt about here. You’re not entitled.