I'm not a bridesmaid

[again2020]

Posting here for traffic.
A bit shakey so excuse typos.

I've found out tonight that DPs sister is not having me as a bridesmaid/maid of honour.
Every other woman in the immediately family is involved; (obviously) MIL, 2 SILs, her neice and grooms 2 sisters . My daughter is also a flower girl!
They are all going to try dresses on at the weekend and it's only through a chance text that was mistakenly sent to DP that we found out.
MIL has rung me apologising, but she's can't give me a real reason why.
For 9 years, bar an admitted quite bad argument between my mother and MIL which SIL was involved in when my daughter was young, we have been reasonably close, had fun together and I've always got on well with her. I will admit I'm not as close to her as the other two SILs. But SIL (bride to be) didn't tell me, MIL let slip after the chance text.
I feel pretty upset and numb. DP is very close to his sister and I can tell he isn't happy either.

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!
So how do I behave now? I need to be the bigger person and not let it show it upset me but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this? I have a year to get used to the idea but I'm not someone who hides feelings well.
What about hen do etc? I feel like I don't really want to speak to any of them at the moment.
Tell me if I'm hugely overreacting.
Thanks

OP you need to let this one slide. I get it from both sides. You think it’s a deliberate exclusion and she probably thinks she’s got a choice of 2 from her side and 2 from his. She chose the women she is closest to im sure it was a numbers thing.

My partner is hugely family orientated, they have big meals and nights out together and are always in touch. I am always involved and I thought I got on with all of them. She is very close to my daughter and I take her to see her every other week now I can.
Does feel personal. But maybe it isn't

Is it possible she thinks she’s covered your family with your daughter being a flower girl? That would seem enough to me. So I think you probably are being a little unreasonable, but am sympathetic as it’s horrible to feel left out.

[quote again2020]@Brollypackedforscottishholiday I've got a massive conk...that's all I can think of 😂😬[/quote]
What is a conk??? I googled and it comes up with a hairstyle?

I agree with others. Your child is included, so I'm unsure why you feel you have the right to be a BM also. It sounds like far too many as it is! Surely you'd prefer to be able to admire and take pics of your DD, rather than also trying to me a BM at the same time?

I'm also unsure WHY you feel she should have told you, that you aren't part of the bridal party? I didn't have my SIL, cousins, multiple close friends in my bridal party, and certainly didn't tell them each- oh, by the way, you aren't in the bridal party!

Sorry, but you sound very immature.

@adeleh

Is it possible she thinks she’s covered your family with your daughter being a flower girl? That would seem enough to me. So I think you probably are being a little unreasonable, but am sympathetic as it’s horrible to feel left out.

Oh, sorry. See you’ve answered this. Should have rtft before posting.

It's slang for nose @Elouera

What is a conk?

How bad was the bad argument your mum and mil had? Maybe sil feels there are unresolved issues.

Personally, I would guess that she’s not that keen on you, and you’re not as close as you think.

But I wouldn’t engage in the drama. I’d count myself lucky, and support dd to be flower girl, recognising that you don’t have a large role. Tbh I’d probably hand it over to dp to liaise with his sister.

Well I can see why you feel put out, but I think you should just suck it up and be (pretend to be) gracious. Not going would be just spiteful and reveal your true anguish (not that you have said you will do this, but others have suggested it).

At our wedding we involved all key members of our - fortunately small - families. So my sister and DH's sister were bridesmaids. My best friend had had me as a bridesmaid at her wedding and I had other close friends I could have chosen, but it felt right to keep the family happy. I would always have had my sister, but not my sil if I had followed my heart. Nothing against her and I'm fond of her but we weren't and aren't close as we are quite different people.

So leaving you out of all her sils-to-be does seem suggestive of something to me. I also squared it with my best friend by asking her to do a reading.

@Beautiful3

That is strange and hurtful. I'd decline dd role of.flowergirl and just go as guests.

Why should DD miss out because op has decided she ought to be a bridesmaid? Her partner is presumably part of the wedding too so not like they can just sulk in the back row and bitch about the bridesmaids dresses

@Elouera I have a big nose 😂
I'm really not immature. Would anyone not feel a
a little similar in this situation?
I've only found out tonight, sure it will fade in time.

If they're married and you're not - that may be why. You haven't made the same long-term family commitment they have.

Are you not married to her brother?

We have been together 9 years , engaged 4.5. To her brother.

Your daughter is flower girl

Her aunties will organise her, not you

You havent got a big part in the wedding because of your daughter

Why do adults want to be a bridesmaid anyway?
I think its weird!

Maybe because you aren’t married then?

Well you know who it to ask when it’s your turn!

You are the only adult in the family to be excluded. That is hurtful. Worse with sisters..
She is sending a clear nasty message. I would conveniently be on holiday then .

@again2020

We have been together 9 years , engaged 4.5. To her brother.

Not close to her and not married then-that’s most probably the reason why.

I wouldn’t have asked my brother’s girlfriend to be my bridesmaid, but I might well have asked a brother’s wife who I was close to.

I would hate to be an adult bridesmaid and politely turned down an offer once. I can't think of anything worse.

Its not clear from your post whether you want to be one, or just think you should. But either way, she isn't obliged to ask you, you have no way of knowing her logic, you can't really ask her without looking needy or confrontational and being painted as the bad guy. So you have to assume your 'section' of the family got their part via
Your daughter and there is no malice. Just because you are not being 'included' doesn't mean you are being 'excluded' unless you choose to see it like that.

I’m with you OP deeply hurtful to be the only one excluded. For all the bridesmaids and fuss she’s got as if you’d make any difference unless she was trying to make a point and hurt you! Nasty behaviour and it is hurtful

@again2020

Thanks everyone. I think it's just that I'm the only one excluded, if you see what I mean. And she has tons of bridesmaids! Also I still haven't heard it from the horses mouth, mother in law only told me by accident.

Yes but why should she have to tell you that you aren’t bridesmaid? Surely you’re not a bridesmaid until you’re asked? Did you presume you was one?

but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this?

It’s your DD that has a role in the wedding, not sure why you think this gives you a large role

It's not difficult to work out, surely? OP is likely to have to take her daughter to fittings and a wedding rehearsal, make sure she turns up in good time and presentable, stop her from getting nervous or over-excited, and probably dress her as well.

@NigellasCookalong I didn't expect to be, but I also didn't think all the others would be either. Just one or two.

@Howshouldibehave

If you’re not very close to someone, then why do you think that they would they ask you to be their bridesmaid?!

YABVU!

Because the bride is asking other in-laws to whom she's not particularly close to take part?

@Jemand Yes, I guess that is the crux of it for me.