Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not a bridesmaid

502 replies

again2020 · 02/09/2021 22:39

Posting here for traffic.
A bit shakey so excuse typos.

I've found out tonight that DPs sister is not having me as a bridesmaid/maid of honour.
Every other woman in the immediately family is involved; (obviously) MIL, 2 SILs, her neice and grooms 2 sisters . My daughter is also a flower girl!
They are all going to try dresses on at the weekend and it's only through a chance text that was mistakenly sent to DP that we found out.
MIL has rung me apologising, but she's can't give me a real reason why.
For 9 years, bar an admitted quite bad argument between my mother and MIL which SIL was involved in when my daughter was young, we have been reasonably close, had fun together and I've always got on well with her. I will admit I'm not as close to her as the other two SILs. But SIL (bride to be) didn't tell me, MIL let slip after the chance text.
I feel pretty upset and numb. DP is very close to his sister and I can tell he isn't happy either.

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!
So how do I behave now? I need to be the bigger person and not let it show it upset me but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this? I have a year to get used to the idea but I'm not someone who hides feelings well.
What about hen do etc? I feel like I don't really want to speak to any of them at the moment.
Tell me if I'm hugely overreacting.
Thanks Brew

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 03/09/2021 17:46

OP, I think you did yourself an injustice in your OP - it was very much 'I am not a bridesmaid' when the real issue is 'I am the only SIL who has not been made a bridesmaid'. There is a huge difference. Without this context its no big deal you are not a bridesmaid and weird you would think you should be one....BUT if you factor in you are the only SIL not being made a bridesmaid when you consider how much you socialise as a group of 8 - I totally see why you would be feeling very very hurt. In your OP you mention two of your SIL's are bridesmaids - but its easy for readers to assume these are the bride's or the grooms sisters so what is the big deal. You have to read quite far through your messages to realise these are the wives of the brides brothers and there are three wives of which you are one of them.
I can completely see why you are upset the only things a bit weird for me is why you think she would tell you in person. Ie I just wanted to let you know I have not chosen you for a bridesmaid? That is usually not a conversation that happens.
It sounds like the argument you had a while ago or something else has tempered her feelings as if she did not want to hurt your feelings she would just add one more person to her list.
Sorry OP.

ittakes2 · 03/09/2021 17:48

On the plus side if you get married one day you can save yourself a bit of money on her bridesmaid dress....

Ellie56 · 03/09/2021 17:49

From looking at your previous threads there is far more going on here than not being a bridesmaid.That's the least of your worries.

Forget about the wedding and concentrate on getting rid of your abusive knob of a partner and his toxic family.

Pl242 · 03/09/2021 17:50

YANBU to feel hurt. It’s inconceivable that the couple could have decided on the wedding party and not considered how it would make you feel. Unless they’re completely devoid of empathy which is a whole other problem in itself. The secrecy compounds this and confirms their own guilt.

But of course you should take the high road and kill them with kindness. Good luck.

Eralos · 03/09/2021 18:27

@again2020 just read your other posts. You need to leave your husband. He and your parents are abusive.

MilesOfSand · 03/09/2021 19:32

[quote again2020]@Angelonagelee Yes I did think she might ask me now through guilt! But I think more likely that she won't.
Yes, I'm sure there is a group bridesmaids chat on whatsapp etc. It's hard not to feel snubbed.

I think most MNetters think I ABVU.[/quote]
They probably don’t, people take the chance to have a go on here when they’re cowards in real life. If you’d posted this as a reverse they’d be giving you the opposite reaction.

lockdownalli · 03/09/2021 20:15

I think YABU. It's probably because you aren't married.

Agree with PP it's a lucky escape. You can just let your hair down and not worry about the photos etc - such a bore.

And of course DP should be part of the grooms party if requested. Let him look after DD on the day. You will be too busy having fun.

lockdownalli · 03/09/2021 20:18

OMG - just read your other threads.

LTB

Rhinothunder · 03/09/2021 20:34

How do we find her previous threads? Can someone link?

RampantIvy · 03/09/2021 20:35

If you're a bit of a primadonna/ drama queen that could perhaps explain why you've been sidelined?

The OP is clearly not like this at all @2bazookas Hmm

toomuchlaundry · 03/09/2021 20:49

@Rhinothunder you can advance search a poster's name. It is usually frowned upon but does help to give background here

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/09/2021 05:07

Yes, I don't usually do it but other posters had obviously recognised the OP's name from her other threads and gave the heads up that there was MUCH more going on here in the background - so I did.
And yes, it does give a lot more context.

faithfulbird20 · 04/09/2021 12:47

Wow some of you are heck on another level nosey. Poster posts problem and you immediately want to check up her other threads. Go watch Vigil on iPlayer.

LargeBouquet · 04/09/2021 13:54

@faithfulbird20

Wow some of you are heck on another level nosey. Poster posts problem and you immediately want to check up her other threads. Go watch Vigil on iPlayer.
I think the point people are making is that reading this thread in conjunction with the OP's other threads (which I haven't) completely change your sense of the dynamics of this extended family, and that not being a bridesmaid isn't an isolated issue.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/09/2021 13:57

Or some of us remembered OP's username because some of her other threads show shes in a heartbreakingly shit relationship with an abuser who has a horribly toxic family. And so advice on the bridesmaid issue would be totally different based on that. She needs to leave him, not worry about what his family think of her. They sound horrible and she sounds battered down by them and him. I hope she can get out.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 04/09/2021 14:03

I’m very close to my SIL. She’s lovely! We get on very well. She married my brother earlier this year. I wasn’t a bridesmaid. My DD was (which did NOT mean I had any kind of “role”). I didn’t care one jot! It was a great wedding and I didn’t need to be a bridesmaid to enjoy my DB and DSILs big day.

HeronLanyon · 04/09/2021 14:05

Thank godnsome remembered and can give better advice given was Alu ds like quite an awful family dynamic. Oh well - support op and hope you get out of whatever difficulty you are in or manage it so you’re not damaged.

HeronLanyon · 04/09/2021 14:06

‘What seems like’ that should read

Oldbutstillgotit · 04/09/2021 14:08

How are you feeling today OP ?

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 04/09/2021 14:10

@JustLyra

It’s spectacularly rude to have every female involved bar one.
It is a bit off I agree. Not worth getting upset about but I can understand why you are.
Pipsquiggle · 04/09/2021 14:27

@BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou
RTFT

GreenTortoise · 04/09/2021 14:35

You're over reacting.

You don't have a large role in the wedding either .
Your daughter is flower girl but that doesn't mean you have a large role. Is that something you wanted? Asking as curious.

Quite frankly, I like being the guest. I get to wear my own dress and can relax and have a good time Grin

Kite22 · 04/09/2021 14:47

I think most MNetters think I ABVU.

They probably don’t, people take the chance to have a go on here when they’re cowards in real life.

Don't be utterly ridiculous MilesofSand
Someone holding a different opinion from you doesn't mean they are "having a go". As to the leap to "cowards in real life" Hmm

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 04/09/2021 15:01

If my daughter was part of the wedding party, l would assume that was including me if that makes sense - she just looks better in a dress!

millymae · 04/09/2021 15:06

I’m another who thinks you’ve dodged a bullet. It will be so much nicer just to go to the wedding and enjoy it as a guest.
I have no idea what you mean about having to have a large role in the wedding as your daughter is a flower girl - I genuinely can’t think of a role you need to play, or what role there would be for you, other than perhaps doing one of the readings if they choose to have any, and if asked.
I’d hazard a guess that a lot of people at the wedding won’t have any idea who you are so won’t think it in the least strange you weren’t one of the chosen bridesmaids.
If I were you I would be delighted not to play any part in the bridal party - and especially so when all the arguments start about who will be paying for what in terms of dresses, shoes, makeup etc as they undoubtedly will.

Swipe left for the next trending thread