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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm not a bridesmaid

502 replies

again2020 · 02/09/2021 22:39

Posting here for traffic.
A bit shakey so excuse typos.

I've found out tonight that DPs sister is not having me as a bridesmaid/maid of honour.
Every other woman in the immediately family is involved; (obviously) MIL, 2 SILs, her neice and grooms 2 sisters . My daughter is also a flower girl!
They are all going to try dresses on at the weekend and it's only through a chance text that was mistakenly sent to DP that we found out.
MIL has rung me apologising, but she's can't give me a real reason why.
For 9 years, bar an admitted quite bad argument between my mother and MIL which SIL was involved in when my daughter was young, we have been reasonably close, had fun together and I've always got on well with her. I will admit I'm not as close to her as the other two SILs. But SIL (bride to be) didn't tell me, MIL let slip after the chance text.
I feel pretty upset and numb. DP is very close to his sister and I can tell he isn't happy either.

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!
So how do I behave now? I need to be the bigger person and not let it show it upset me but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this? I have a year to get used to the idea but I'm not someone who hides feelings well.
What about hen do etc? I feel like I don't really want to speak to any of them at the moment.
Tell me if I'm hugely overreacting.
Thanks Brew

OP posts:
Original poster
again2020 · 02/09/2021 23:09

@HaveringWavering I wouldn't give a f*ck if it wasn't the only adult female in the family excluded. But yeah I probably need to grow up.

I really appreciate the replies!
@happylittlethoughts I feel me and you are on the same wavelength. Thanks Flowers

OP posts:
Elzbells · 02/09/2021 23:10

At least your daughter got a role.

My brother got married and my SIL chose to invite her friends children to be bridesmaids over mine (6 and 3 at time). That hurt but i sucked it up.

Now she's doesn't even speak to the "friends@ she gave roles too so 🤷‍♀️

HeronLanyon · 02/09/2021 23:10

@scarpa

I know it probably feels a bit shit initially, but realistically - I wouldn't have my sister in law, lovely as she is, as a bridesmaid unless we were close (i.e. I classed her as a 'friend' who I spent time with independently). Which it sounds like you're not, but she is with the other SILs? I think that's pretty normal - I know a woman who married a guy with 4 sisters (and a brother, who was a groomsman). Two of the sisters are close with my friend, they spend a lot of time together - they were bridesmaids, along with two of her other friends. The remaining sisters were guests as normal.

So I don't think it's making a deliberate singling out of you, just that she's close enough to them to have them in her bridal party and not you. I'm assuming you're not close, so I don't know why you'd need to try and hide angry feelings about it - totally normal. Give yourself a gentle talking to and enjoy getting to see your DD get a cute new outfit and be excited. Smile

This. I’d be upset too for a moment and then think oh yeah she’s closer to x and y - ok that makes sense. I’ll still have a good time ! (I don’t like weddings but you can think that!)
faithfulbird20 · 02/09/2021 23:12

I'd give her wedding a miss and say your ill. No one is allowed to treat me like crap. No thanks. You don't need to be okay with her isolating you.

Beautiful3 · 02/09/2021 23:14

That is strange and hurtful. I'd decline dd role of.flowergirl and just go as guests.

Ariela · 02/09/2021 23:17

See it as a close escape. You can wear the most flattering pretty dress /outfit in a colour of YOUR choice and not one inflicted upon you.

I do not suit yellow. I have been a bridesmaid twice in pale yellow once in pink paisley. All three times I look ill in the photos (less so in the pink paisley as mostly they're black and white and I was 11)

faithfulbird20 · 02/09/2021 23:17

@Beautiful3 I totally agree. I'd do one better and not go...book a holiday with my daughter somewhere and enjoy myself

3Br1tnee · 02/09/2021 23:18

I wouldn't be getting involved at all, and I wouldn't go. If dd wants to be involved, make your DH facilitate it.

Summerfun54321 · 02/09/2021 23:18

You’re overthinking this WAY too much. Your daughter is flower girl so you’ll get some cute pics of her whilst kicking back and enjoying the wedding without any duties. Win, win. Seriously stop being hurt and think what this actually means on the day.

Winterflower84 · 02/09/2021 23:20

Huuuuuugely overreacting! I've been a bridesmaid once in my life and because of all the demands re certain colour of the dress, certain hairstyle etc I found it quite an annoying thing and would never want to be one again. Let it go. Be glad you're not involved in the hassle!

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 02/09/2021 23:21

Is there something about you that will 'ruin' the wedding photos?
Tattoos?
Bright red hair?
Pregnant?
Very beautiful?
Some brides really are that shallow!!

Original poster
again2020 · 02/09/2021 23:22

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday I've got a massive conk...that's all I can think of 😂😬

OP posts:
Original poster
again2020 · 02/09/2021 23:22

@3Br1tnee I wish I had the guts for this!

OP posts:
Maskedrevenger · 02/09/2021 23:24

All this anguish about weddings seems crazy to me, can’t the bride and groom get married and people just be happy for them? When I got married I didn’t have any bridesmaids cause I didn’t want to, not even my own sisters. I had my 8 yr old son as a ring bearer and my husbands 7 yr old niece as a flower girl, we bought her a lovely dress to wear which she chose herself with her mum’s help, it wasn’t a flower girl type dress at all. My SIL just dressed her at home and brought her along to the hotel where we were doing everything ceremony and reception so we just had to do the finishing touches and make a big fuss of her. Should my sisters have taken the hump cause my SIL’s daughter got to be involved and they didn’t? They didn’t have any children themselves at that time otherwise I would have included their children but still not wanted adult bridesmaids. My sisters did not see it as a sign of not being close, we were close, we got ready together on the day and much champagne was drunk. They didn’t need a title or frou frou dresses to enjoy celebrating the day with us.

JudgeJ · 02/09/2021 23:25

@Awrite

Lucky escape if you ask me.

My sister was both my sil's bridesmaid. I was relieved not to be asked either time.

Your daughter is representing you. Look at it that way.

My thought exactly, it sounds like a recipe for a year of arguments with all those women involved and you can sit back and enjoy it! On the day you're a guest and won't have to do anything. Beware during the year of being asked to do this and that, just decline, not your responsibility.
LittleGreenGoblin · 02/09/2021 23:27

Potentially clutching at straws, but I notice you're a "DP" and the others are "wives" - could it be that she's only having bridesmaids who are "properly" in the family (not that I'm saying that's right)?

Regardless, don't let one day cause a rift in the family Smile

JudgeJ · 02/09/2021 23:27

@Beautiful3

That is strange and hurtful. I'd decline dd role of.flowergirl and just go as guests.
A bit unfair if the child is actually looking forward to being a flower girl, she's probably not old enough to seen weddings for what they are, steaming pots of resentment and arguments.
Movingsoon21 · 02/09/2021 23:29

OP personally I’ve never seen a mum and daughter be bridesmaid and flower girl. I think she’s had your daughter instead of you IYSWIM? She’s chosen one female from each household and probably thought it would be a nice experience for her niece and that you wouldn’t really care as you’re not close.

Honestly, don’t read too much into this, it will likely just be a numbers issue and 2 from one household is not necessary.

Enjoy the day and everyone saying how pretty your little one looks in her dress Smile

Figgyboa · 02/09/2021 23:30

Massive overreaction. I hang out with my SIL but I didn't expect and wasn't in her bridal party.

Original poster
again2020 · 02/09/2021 23:31

@movingsoon21...that not the case, other SILs daughters are also involved.

OP posts:
WoolyMammoth55 · 02/09/2021 23:31

Bless you OP I can feel you're upset but honestly I think this is a non-issue.

She is allowed to have the wedding party she wants and family politics really shouldn't dictate any of it.

Buy a nice dress, let your DD be a flower girl (if she wants to! Not if she doesn't!) and have a nice time and drink some fizz. It's just a wedding, it's no big deal. Flowers

grisen · 02/09/2021 23:32

@Movingsoon21

OP personally I’ve never seen a mum and daughter be bridesmaid and flower girl. I think she’s had your daughter instead of you IYSWIM? She’s chosen one female from each household and probably thought it would be a nice experience for her niece and that you wouldn’t really care as you’re not close.

Honestly, don’t read too much into this, it will likely just be a numbers issue and 2 from one household is not necessary.

Enjoy the day and everyone saying how pretty your little one looks in her dress Smile

Just what I was thinking
Original poster
again2020 · 02/09/2021 23:32

Thanks everyone. I think it's just that I'm the only one excluded, if you see what I mean. And she has tons of bridesmaids!
Also I still haven't heard it from the horses mouth, mother in law only told me by accident.

OP posts:
Holskey · 02/09/2021 23:32

Why does she have to have you as a bridesmaid? And why are you so bothered? I don't get it at all.

RampantIvy · 02/09/2021 23:34

I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl

I'm struggling to understand that you have any role just because your daughter is a flower girl. You will be a guest without all the stresses and hassles of organising anything, falling out, expensive hen night, expense of being a bridesmaid etc etc. You dress your daughter in the outfit required, she does as she is told, and you get to be a sress free guest.

Sounds good to me.