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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not a bridesmaid

502 replies

again2020 · 02/09/2021 22:39

Posting here for traffic.
A bit shakey so excuse typos.

I've found out tonight that DPs sister is not having me as a bridesmaid/maid of honour.
Every other woman in the immediately family is involved; (obviously) MIL, 2 SILs, her neice and grooms 2 sisters . My daughter is also a flower girl!
They are all going to try dresses on at the weekend and it's only through a chance text that was mistakenly sent to DP that we found out.
MIL has rung me apologising, but she's can't give me a real reason why.
For 9 years, bar an admitted quite bad argument between my mother and MIL which SIL was involved in when my daughter was young, we have been reasonably close, had fun together and I've always got on well with her. I will admit I'm not as close to her as the other two SILs. But SIL (bride to be) didn't tell me, MIL let slip after the chance text.
I feel pretty upset and numb. DP is very close to his sister and I can tell he isn't happy either.

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!
So how do I behave now? I need to be the bigger person and not let it show it upset me but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this? I have a year to get used to the idea but I'm not someone who hides feelings well.
What about hen do etc? I feel like I don't really want to speak to any of them at the moment.
Tell me if I'm hugely overreacting.
Thanks Brew

OP posts:
Jemand · 03/09/2021 00:01

What did the text you weren't supposed to get say, OP? It would perhaps help in working out what the motivation is behind this.

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 00:01

Thanks everyone. This is why I'm so glad that Mumsnet exists!
Going to call it a night Flowers

OP posts:
Cabbagewhites · 03/09/2021 00:02

You are overreacting. Massively.
Your daughter is a flowergirl, she clearly doesn’t hate you. Do the other SILs have daughters? I’m guessing she is having your daughter in lieu of you.

Whoeven cares, being a bridesmaid, while flattering, is a ballache.

In the kindest way possible, time to get over yourself m.

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 00:04

@Cabbagewhites Yes they all have daughter's, who are all involved.
I've never been a bridesmaid, so wouldn't know. But I can imagine it is!

OP posts:
JustLyra · 03/09/2021 00:04

@Cabbagewhites

You are overreacting. Massively. Your daughter is a flowergirl, she clearly doesn’t hate you. Do the other SILs have daughters? I’m guessing she is having your daughter in lieu of you.

Whoeven cares, being a bridesmaid, while flattering, is a ballache.

In the kindest way possible, time to get over yourself m.

Could always read the OP’s posts before having a go.

The other SIL’s also have children as bridesmaids.

Berthatydfil · 03/09/2021 00:04

You have had a lucky escape in my opinion.
You will avoid having to wear a dress not of your choosing, having to possibly pay for said dress, having to traipse for fittings, having to have (and pay for?) hair and make up trials and on the day..
Actually with that many in the bridal party unless the bride /her family are wealthy you would almost certainly be paying for it all.

You can wear what you like, and just turn up on the day relax and think of the cash you are saving.

If anyone says anything you can say “I’m so glad I’m not a bridesmaid I’m happy to be a guest - so much less stressful” and if your feeling bitchy you can also add “ puce (or whatever colour the bridesmaids are in) such a difficult colour to carry off “

JustLyra · 03/09/2021 00:04

It’s spectacularly rude to have every female involved bar one.

thepeopleversuswork · 03/09/2021 00:05

I honestly couldn't get worked up about this and tbh I really to struggle to understand why people get so over-invested in other people's weddings.

Are you upset because you thought she was a real friend? Or do you just feel snubbed by the family?

In the kindest possible way, no-one is automatically entitled to a "role" at anyone's wedding. I think you need to try to unpick why you're so bothered about it. It doesn't sound terribly rational.

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 00:05

@JustLyra Thanks! That's how it feels.

OP posts:
Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 00:06

@thepeopleversuswork Definitely feel snubbed by the family. Is that an overreaction?

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 03/09/2021 00:08

TBH I agree with Lyra that to leave just one SIL out does look like a snub.

Notgood234 · 03/09/2021 00:10

I would feel hurt op, massively . It is a snub and after the wedding I would take a step back . I’d try to enjoy the wedding for the sake of your dd though .

Oceanbliss · 03/09/2021 00:12

@again2020 It’s not about being a bridesmaid it’s about being the only one excluded and wondering if there is something going on behind your back.

Not sure how to advise. Either just go along and enjoy yourself, wear a stunning outfit, relax and feel good about yourself or simply don’t go, make plans for that day where you spoil yourself a bit, relax and feel good about yourself Smile

Oh, and just a thought perhaps when you and your dp get married you either elope or you make sure that if you have bridesmaids that they are friends who support you.

ClaryFairchild · 03/09/2021 00:13

I'd feel snubbed too, and it would reflect in the way I continued to interact with them. Don't care if others think that's petty.

Cabbagewhites · 03/09/2021 00:16

Yes sorry just caught up in all the posts and see that the other SILs have children too.

I didn’t mean to be unkind, but I suppose I don’t understand the point if getting hurt over something like this. Okay so maybe she feels closer to her other SILs than you. Does it matter? You are in-laws, you don’t have to be friends too? You have your own friends?

As somebody who has been a bridesmaid 5 times, I can tell you that you will have a much happier time attending the hen do without having to have organise (and spend a small fortune on) it; you will enjoy the wedding itself more because you won’t have been up since before the crack of dawn having your scalp punctured; and you will enjoy the reception more because you can wear comfy clothes of your choosing and can go home whenever you’re ready!

ChargingBuck · 03/09/2021 00:17

but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this?

No you don't. If DP is her father, she already has a perfectly functional parent playing a big role at the wedding. You don't have to.

As to the hen do - what a terrible coincidence, one of your oldest friends from across the country has a giant problem that she needs your support with that weekend, doesn't she? So sorry but she's absolutely distraught, poor thing ...

I'm generally the type to scoff a bit at the whole bridesmaid palaver, but to single you out for exclusion like this is a really nasty & deliberate power play.

You don't owe your SiL any consideration at all over this - do what you need to do to minimise your involvement with the entire wedding shebang.

As to how you handle it as a person who doesn't hide her feelings well - keep practising a look of rueful yet unruffled 'acceptance'.
If you are able to raise just one eyebrow, that's the kind of thing to go for. Acknowledgement of your exclusion alongside a side serving of "isn't that a ridiculous way to behave".

The other family members will obviously know you have been excluded, & they will be judging DP's sister as the Bridezilla she is being over this - not you, especially when you conduct yourself with aplomb.

Cabbagewhites · 03/09/2021 00:18

(the scale puncturing is having hair done in an up-do, in case that wasn’t clear!)

KillerFlamingo · 03/09/2021 00:18

Many years ago, my sister asked her groom's sister and some of her friends to be bridesmaids, not me, her only sister. To be honest, it never occurred to me to be upset, I really think you are overreacting.

These days, I'm over 40 and would be horrified to be asked to be one!

Explosivefarts · 03/09/2021 00:18

Just think you can enjoy the wedding and not have the stress of it all. Life is too short you can’t force people to pick you so dust off and move on.

ChargingBuck · 03/09/2021 00:21

@AnneLovesGilbert

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!

That the thought even crossed your mind even if only so you can say you won’t do it, is really concerning.

Oh don't be ridiculous.

If the everyday idle thoughts that occurr to every human being were broadcast, the entire population would locked up on that principle.

I often think of things I wouldn't actually do. It's called imagination, & self-control.

Explosivefarts · 03/09/2021 00:22

Should have said I don’t know why you think your daughter being bridesmaid means you have a large role in the wedding. She will be with her Gran and most of her family .

Explosivefarts · 03/09/2021 00:22

*flowergirl

JustLyra · 03/09/2021 00:24

@RampantIvy

TBH I agree with Lyra that to leave just one SIL out does look like a snub.
It’s a very public snub, and quite a statement.

The whole “oh being a bridesmaid is a pita anyway” postings are totally missing the point.

Anything that very deliberately leaves out one specific person is a chosen snub. Be that inviting every female bar one out for a drink, buying everyone bar one a present or asking them to BM. It’s a pointed gesture.

EKGEMS · 03/09/2021 00:29

Your partner now takes your daughter for dress fittings and is in charge of getting her ready on the day of the wedding as it's his side of the family. You are going as a guest.

TurnTowardsTheSun · 03/09/2021 00:30

If her sisters-in-law are her only options for bridesmaids she probably doesn't have many friends, which may indicate that she is a difficult/ strange person in female relationships. You may have dodged a bullet here! You can just turn up and enjoy the day without being dragged into any drama.

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