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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband's nighttime wee

336 replies

canichange · 02/09/2021 16:28

Every night between 3 and 4 am, my husband gets up and goes for a wee in our en-suite. It's a fairy big bedroom and a big bathroom, so it's not like he is 'in the room', but he wakes me up and I can't get back to sleep.

He's been doing it forever, but we have a 4 and 2 year old who wake for the day between 5 and 5:30 and it's exhausting. If I'm lucky enough to doze back off to sleep, it's never long before the DCs are up so I'd only ever manage to grab a few minutes max.

He tries to be quiet but we live in an old house which creaks. I wouldn't mind if it was the odd night here and there, but it's basically every night. My day started before 4am today Sad

He seems to think it's just his body clock that wakes him up and he needs to go for a wee to be able to get back to sleep Confused I told him to stop drinking anything after teatime to see if he can break the habit - like when you are trying to get a toddler dry at night!

So:
YABU - let the poor man have his wee and go back to sleep.
YANBU - he needs to train himself to break the habit.

OP posts:
smallgoon · 03/09/2021 16:22

@Stravaig

Gosh, these replies! Yes, weeing is a natural bodily function, one OP's husband should be able to manage without depriving OP of sleep! Starting with a healthier attitude to his fluid intake throughout the day.

You don't say what wakes you OP, just that the house is old and creaky. Specific creaky floorboards between bed and toilet could be fixed, is that a possibility?

You say he tries to be quiet, but is he really, or is he crashing about? He should be easing off the mattress so not to disrupt you, treading softly, navigating in the dark or by a very dim light, gently pulling the ensuite door almost closed, sitting down to wee so no loud stream, not flushing, washing his hands under a quiet trickle of water, then easing gently back into bed. Everything softly, slowly, gently, quietly. Is he doing that?

Sleep is to be protected, not casually disturbed, so this would be a deal-breaker for me, permanent separate bedrooms. Why should I suffer decades of sleep deprivation, why would I be with someone who felt entitled to do that to me?

Can't disagree with this. I find it selfish when people don't go to the effort of trying not to wake somebody.
cherish123 · 03/09/2021 17:28

It is annoying. My DH does this too. Although, I usually go back to sleep quickly. Having said that, you DH can't help it so I suppose YABU.

LifesTooShortForYourNonsense · 03/09/2021 17:34

Yabu getting up for kids at 5 - that’s the middle of the night, they need to learn to go back to sleep or amuse themselves. Both mine tried it on, but found I don’t function before 7!

Popitdontstopit · 03/09/2021 17:35

Dh did this for a while and it was prostate related. I would get that checked out. If you have a spare room I would also sleep in it. Sleep deprivation is a horrible thing.

user1471462428 · 03/09/2021 17:53

Has he tried double voiding for example having a wee 30 minutes before he goes to bed then trying again just before he does go to bed it will ensure his bladder is completely empty.

Burgess67A · 03/09/2021 17:57

Could he go to the family bathroom instead of the en-suite ?

Bugbabe1970 · 03/09/2021 18:03

Maybe he should use the other bathroom and sleep in another room once he has got up!
This would annoy me as well to be honest.....oh and you children are up very early 🙈

FangsForTheMemory · 03/09/2021 18:07

Tie a knot in it.

calvados · 03/09/2021 18:12

If you drink the recommended 2-3 litres a day then a nightly wee is highly likely. Have a no flush rule to minimise any noise. En-suites are not such a good idea unless you have a fairly large house, is there another bathroom he could use? Would not recommend ear plugs as your children very small but you should be able to fall asleep fairly easily if you have a white noise app running in the back ground.

vinoinveritas · 03/09/2021 18:16

My dh does this too, so I can relate! It’s annoying but hopefully these ideas might help! 1)Wear earplugs (I make my own out of bits from rolled up cotton pads, handy if you find the shop bought foam ones uncomfortable) May sound sound wierd but they are Really comfortable and I don’t notice them at all.
2) Try going to bed an hour or 2 earlier than him so you get a few extra hours of sleep in

HollyGrail · 03/09/2021 18:17

Why doesn't he get up with the children as you are so tired.

I bet you would get back to sleep if you knew he was dealing with them.

He is selfish imv. I suspect it is partly repressed annoyance at is utter selfishness (can't drink through the day, can't carry a bottle of water in the car, can;t ........ whatever selfish inconsiderate thing he can think of) that is keeping you awake. ......But I also suspect that it is partly his envy of you leading the 'life of riley' being a SAHM whilst he goes out to work that makes him such a miserable selfish wanker.

I think there needs to be some honest and forthright conversation OP.

Bertiebiscuit · 03/09/2021 18:18

YABU - get earplugs

HollyGrail · 03/09/2021 18:19

Why can't he listen for his children, why only you?

Americano75 · 03/09/2021 18:23

Yeah, you're being unreasonable but seeing as you're sleep deprived and knackered because of having to deal with two early rising smalls I'm going to say it's entirely understandable. It's easy to say "they won't be small forever" but that's not much comfort right now.

jillandhersprite · 03/09/2021 18:25

I think the issue here isn't the weeing - its the fact that there is a problem and he doesn't want to engage with finding a solution together - that its all down to you...
The actual mechanics of the problem - whether you are sleeping too lightly or he has an issue with his waterworks is not really the point. The point is he is fine and doesn't give a stuff that you're not - hardly the actions of a loving husband - more of an entitled git...

Diverseopinions · 03/09/2021 18:29

Does the whole nighttime regime need to be rejigged, so little ones sleep in a bit longer? It sounds tough that they both wake for the day at that time. I think peeing at 4am is not that unusual - 3am a bit early.

Maybe, when you go about anything, mention it to your GP, who will have more scientific knowledge. There might be some method of making the bladder hold out longer. Would it wake you less, if he were to use a potty, kept under the bed, like people used to use decades ago - say 1950s when loos were outside: or is that just worse?

ChelleMum85 · 03/09/2021 18:50

@canichange

Every night between 3 and 4 am, my husband gets up and goes for a wee in our en-suite. It's a fairy big bedroom and a big bathroom, so it's not like he is 'in the room', but he wakes me up and I can't get back to sleep.

He's been doing it forever, but we have a 4 and 2 year old who wake for the day between 5 and 5:30 and it's exhausting. If I'm lucky enough to doze back off to sleep, it's never long before the DCs are up so I'd only ever manage to grab a few minutes max.

He tries to be quiet but we live in an old house which creaks. I wouldn't mind if it was the odd night here and there, but it's basically every night. My day started before 4am today Sad

He seems to think it's just his body clock that wakes him up and he needs to go for a wee to be able to get back to sleep Confused I told him to stop drinking anything after teatime to see if he can break the habit - like when you are trying to get a toddler dry at night!

So:
YABU - let the poor man have his wee and go back to sleep.
YANBU - he needs to train himself to break the habit.

Oh no...not the en-suite...what would Waitrose say!?

Just a big room? I am disappoint. Why is not quoted as being mammoth size?

Oh god...a man emptying his bladder really should consider dehydration so he doesn't wake you at night.

Those kids waking at 5am - Whatever you do; don't think about putting them back to bed by being firm or a later bedtime or ignoring them so they might play in their bedrooms for a little longer or have a little whine.

WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE WEEING WILLIES AND THE CHILDREN!

Owl55 · 03/09/2021 18:52

YABU maybe he needs to see the GP as it could be a sign of Diabetes or prostate trouble

stopgap · 03/09/2021 18:57

I think you need to invest in an eye mask and ear plugs, and maybe use a white noise app. I don’t drink after 6.30pm, but guaranteed I wake to pee between 4-5am.

Callingallskeletons · 03/09/2021 19:00

Obviously you know he can’t help it OP and he isn’t being unreasonable BUT I completely understand where you’re coming from because every night my DH or DC wake me up and it takes me hours to fall back to sleep (and I lay there fantasising about living alone with a king sized bed 😂😂😂)

MonsteraMother · 03/09/2021 19:15

@canichange

Sorry - maybe I should have said lighthearted!

Of course I'm not suggesting he should wet the bed, nor have I made a big deal out of it.

Maybe I should have asked whether it sounds normal for a man in his early 30s to need a wee during the night pretty much every night?

Needing to wee a lot is a sign of prostate cancer. Does he have any other health concerns?
krj2688 · 03/09/2021 19:27

Get him a pull up 😛

Popitdontstopit · 03/09/2021 19:29

When the dc wake up I would bring them into bed with you. Could get you a bit more sleep.

Miseryl · 03/09/2021 19:32

My DP always need a wee at some point in the night and it still enrages me after living together for years. When the kids leave home, we are definitely having separate bedrooms!

QwertyGurty · 03/09/2021 19:43

I was in the habit of needing a wee at about 3am every night for about a year, a few years ago when I was in my early 30s. I had acupuncture, initially for something else, but told them about the night time wees and how it was affecting my sleep...it seemed to sort it out, no more 3am wees up until I became pregnant several years later.