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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My husband's nighttime wee

336 replies

canichange · 02/09/2021 16:28

Every night between 3 and 4 am, my husband gets up and goes for a wee in our en-suite. It's a fairy big bedroom and a big bathroom, so it's not like he is 'in the room', but he wakes me up and I can't get back to sleep.

He's been doing it forever, but we have a 4 and 2 year old who wake for the day between 5 and 5:30 and it's exhausting. If I'm lucky enough to doze back off to sleep, it's never long before the DCs are up so I'd only ever manage to grab a few minutes max.

He tries to be quiet but we live in an old house which creaks. I wouldn't mind if it was the odd night here and there, but it's basically every night. My day started before 4am today

He seems to think it's just his body clock that wakes him up and he needs to go for a wee to be able to get back to sleep I told him to stop drinking anything after teatime to see if he can break the habit - like when you are trying to get a toddler dry at night!

So:
YABU - let the poor man have his wee and go back to sleep.
YANBU - he needs to train himself to break the habit.

OP posts:

icedcoffees · 03/09/2021 07:41

@arcof

When he wakes at 4, can he not leave the room (leave the door open) , go and wee in another bathroom and then snooze on sofa or spare room til he wakes for the day? You still haven't answered which part of him weeing is waking you up?

Can you imagine the response if a man came on here and suggested his wife go and sleep on the sofa at 4am because she had to use the loo in the night?

Hemingwaycat · 03/09/2021 07:42

Can you imagine the response if a man came on here and suggested his wife go and sleep on the sofa at 4am because she had to use the loo in the night?

Totally agree with this. He can’t help the fact you’re a light sleeper, he’s only going for a pee which is a totally normal and natural thing to do.

QueenArnica · 03/09/2021 07:43

Does he drink tea and coffee OP? My dh kept getting up in the night to wee and was advised by doctor to switch to decaf and take Saw Palmetto (very strange name) tablets which you can get from Holland and Barrett. It’s worked!

thedancingbear · 03/09/2021 08:00

It occurs to me that another option apart from catheterisation, could be for him simply not to drink fluids at all.

For example, cows and other ruminants get most of the H2O they need from grass and other solids they consume.

thedancingbear · 03/09/2021 08:03

@thedancingbear

It occurs to me that another option apart from catheterisation, could be for him simply not to drink fluids at all.

For example, cows and other ruminants get most of the H2O they need from grass and other solids they consume.

And I've never been woken by a cow or a sheep pissing at 3 in the morning.

Stravaig · 03/09/2021 08:31

Gosh, these replies! Yes, weeing is a natural bodily function, one OP's husband should be able to manage without depriving OP of sleep! Starting with a healthier attitude to his fluid intake throughout the day.

You don't say what wakes you OP, just that the house is old and creaky. Specific creaky floorboards between bed and toilet could be fixed, is that a possibility?

You say he tries to be quiet, but is he really, or is he crashing about? He should be easing off the mattress so not to disrupt you, treading softly, navigating in the dark or by a very dim light, gently pulling the ensuite door almost closed, sitting down to wee so no loud stream, not flushing, washing his hands under a quiet trickle of water, then easing gently back into bed. Everything softly, slowly, gently, quietly. Is he doing that?

Sleep is to be protected, not casually disturbed, so this would be a deal-breaker for me, permanent separate bedrooms. Why should I suffer decades of sleep deprivation, why would I be with someone who felt entitled to do that to me?

Rollmopsrule · 03/09/2021 09:02

Im in the same boat as you Op. My dh is the same and I'm a light sleeper. If I'm really tired I sleep in the spare room as I've learnt a good night's sleep is everything when it comes to my mental health or I use ear plugs and a sleep mask.

Rollmopsrule · 03/09/2021 09:07

People being critical in their replies are obviously not light sleepers. Sleep is so important - why should it be OK for someone to wake you up every night? It's not just Op problem to solve its also her Dh.

thedancingbear · 03/09/2021 09:24

@Rollmopsrule

So is pissing.

Rollmopsrule · 03/09/2021 09:27

thedancingbear Yes so a solution needs to be reached for both of them. It's his problem too.

icedcoffees · 03/09/2021 09:34

@Rollmopsrule

I need to pee during the night and I'm a light sleeper.

I'm being a little critical because she expects him to control his peeing but at the same time, she's not doing anything to try and sort her sleep issues.

Both are frustrating but in many cases there's nothing to be done to solve itZ

Original poster

canichange · 03/09/2021 10:23

@icedcoffees yes I am. If you read the full thread you'll see that I suggested limiting my caffeine intake to a reduced amount and only in the mornings, and wearing ear plugs to try and improve my sleep.

He said that he 'can't be bothered' to spread his water intake over the course of the day, which would be much healthier for him anyway and might naturally reduce his thirst in the evenings. He admits he rarely drinks all day and makes up for it in the evenings. Obviously if he does that he's going to need a wee every night!

OP posts:

Original poster

canichange · 03/09/2021 10:25

@Stravaig it's all of it that wakes me really - him getting out of bed, walking across the room to the en suite, the actual weeing itself and then walking back across the room to get into bed. He is probably not as quiet as he could be and I have raised this with him. Sometimes it improves for a while, until he forgets again

OP posts:

Original poster

canichange · 03/09/2021 10:27

For all those worrying about my poor DH being dehydrated, I'm actually encouraging him to approach his water intake more healthily by drinking throughout the day instead of going all day with nothing and then downing a few pints of water in the evening.

Maybe it won't make any difference, as some posters have suggested, but surely if you're only really drinking between the hours of 6pm and 10pm, then wondering why you need a wee every night that's a good place to start?!?!

OP posts:

PumpkinPatch21 · 03/09/2021 11:48

YABU and controlling.

CatkinToadflax · 03/09/2021 13:57

DH has the radio on all night, every night. Yes really. It helps him sleep apparently. These days he wears earphones. When we first got together, though, I’d have to attempt to go to sleep with the bloody radio burbling on in the background, then eventually it would stop broadcasting for the night, then at 5am on the dot I’d be woken to Rule fucking Britannia striking up and catapulting into my sleeping brain! Personally I would much prefer to be woken by a nightly 3am wee!

thedancingbear · 03/09/2021 14:00

@CatkinToadflax

DH has the radio on all night, every night. Yes really. It helps him sleep apparently.

These days he wears earphones. When we first got together, though, I’d have to attempt to go to sleep with the bloody radio burbling on in the background, then eventually it would stop broadcasting for the night, then at 5am on the dot I’d be woken to Rule fucking Britannia striking up and catapulting into my sleeping brain! Personally I would much prefer to be woken by a nightly 3am wee!

In fairness, I love having the radio on at night, and it helps me sleep. i find it soothing.

But I also recognise that it is 'special taste' and as such don't enforce it on my DP. Otherwise, I think there would be a murder...

CatkinToadflax · 03/09/2021 14:07

thedancingbear I must say, I’m genuinely grateful that he wears earphones to get his nightly broadcast fix!

AlbertBridge · 03/09/2021 14:20

I wake up for a wee at 3am if I drink camomile tea at bedtime. Kind of negates its promise to help me sleep better. 🙄

Unless he's drinking pints of fluid in the evenings, his nighttime wee might be caused by hormones. It's something to do with vasopressin. My male BF had this; his doctor prescribed vasopressin and the nighttime wees stopped.

gunnersgold · 03/09/2021 14:21

Tell him to go and wee downstairs !

icedcoffees · 03/09/2021 14:26

yes I am. If you read the full thread you'll see that I suggested limiting my caffeine intake to a reduced amount and only in the mornings, and wearing ear plugs to try and improve my sleep.

Fair enough - in that case I apologise, but many people do all those things and still struggle with their sleep. Just as many people do what you want your DH to do and still need to pee a lot.

I suppose my point is that even if you both do everything possible to mitigate your respective problems, you could still end up in a situation where he needs to pee every night and you get woken up as a result.

Stravaig · 03/09/2021 14:56

I did wonder! His task is not to get up and wee, his task is to get up, wee, and return to bed whilst you remain blissfully asleep. Trouble is, having this conversation with him to the level of detail and vehemence that is apparently required already feels like parenting another child! Unless this truly is a single bizarre blindspot and he is in other ways a caring partner capable of adjusting his own behaviour so as not to adversely affect others?

One of the reasons I hold sleep to be sacrosanct is because I have phases of terrible insomnia. So I often potter in the wee hours - I get up and work, play a computer game (headphones), get a drink or snack, garden, or my all-time favourite, wallow in the bath with a book. I can do all these things, I have learned how to do all these things without waking others and if I did wake them I would be mortified and desist. (Shakes fist at the house with the very noisy hot water tank right next to the bedroom). Cooking eludes me, less because of noise, but because the smell permeates and wakes people.

Solidarity @canichange. Your sleep is important, especially over a lifetime.

Stravaig · 03/09/2021 14:58

Ohhh, bracketing in asterisks creates bold text, a smidge more emphatic than I intended!

ConstanceGracy · 03/09/2021 15:07

Omg, you’re being massively unfair!
If I’ve had a cup of tea too close to bedtime I can go for up to 3 wee's during the night!

dannydyerismydad · 03/09/2021 15:48

YABU. I get up twice a night for a wee these days 😢. However we don't have an en suite and the family bathroom is at the other end of the house.

Could he use a bathroom further away from you so you're not disturbed by the light or noise?

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