I definitely think there are better strategies for dealing with chronic shyness than just waiting and hoping to ‘age out’ of it. You aren’t doomed, there’s inner work you can do.
Confidence is a long process, building one tiny brick (gained through positive experiences) at a time, over years. No one wakes up one day with a ready-built tower of confidence. It’s like other life skills- resilience, manners, dealing with disappointment. Good parenting can make a big difference with it. Guiding kids away from negative self-talk, reframing experiences towards confidence (so finding the ‘wins’) and even nudging them towards a ‘fake it till you make it’ occasionally, so they can feel the joy of the rewards confidence brings.
A metaphor I heard once on this really stuck with me. People with very low and very high confidence (so, the extreme ends of the spectrum) actually exhibit a very similar trait. They are the centre of their own world, they see everything in life through a lens of their own self-interest/self-worth. In a way, both have an unhealthy (and unhelpful) obsession with ‘me’, even though the self-talk around it will be different.
So in theory, the solution should logically lie in shifting your focus to other people, to the moment and reminding yourself that it just isn’t ‘all about you.’ Other people just aren’t that focussed on you, so why project all that attention (and power) on them? In your example, the teacher is just making the rounds, asking everyone to contribute equally to the class (as is their job). They don’t really care about you, or your answer. They aren’t going to note it, or remember it, so why should you?
There are anxiety techniques you can learn to deal with the ‘Uh oh, she’s going to ask me next’ rising fear feelings. There’s other mind strategies to employ after you answer to reward yourself and lower your stress responses back to normal. With practice, these become second nature.
I just don’t believe there’s any benefit in labelling yourself (or kids) with ‘shy’ or other personality traits. It can only hold you back. Rewrite your history to see the pattern of wins more clearly, then do the same for your kids? We all have inner work to do, and it’s quite do-able.
I wonder if you’ve looked into the Enneagram? It can be a very useful model of human psyche, around 9 personality types and how to accentuate the positive (plus mitigate the challenges). It’s a more nuanced type of ‘labelling’, I suppose, but I’ve found it amazing for setting a direction for ‘inner work’ and working with personalities very different to my own.
To answer your AIBU, yes, I think considering shyness as an immovable ‘doomed trait’ could make life unnecessarily harder and more stressful. Healthy confidence almost inevitably leads to better opportunities, relationships and greater happiness. So it’s worth doing something about it.