To think shyness ruins your life?

[shylady75]

I’ve always been chronically shy. School was a real ordeal for me - I never made many friends and whenever the teacher singled me out I would go bright red and freeze up. This made me an easy target for bullies from a young age.

In adulthood I hoped things would improve as I got older but they never did - I now blush and sweat profusely whenever any sort of attention is directed towards me.

I was a straight A student at school but never achieved much career-wise, and I blame my shyness for this. Let’s face it, no one wants to hire the blushing sweaty awkward person over someone ‘normal’, no matter how good their CV.

I do have a lovely DH and two DC, who are also showing signs of shyness and that worries me a lot - the last thing I want is for them to turn out like me and struggle the way I did.

I see a lot in the media about people being more accepting of mental health issues, but shyness to the extent that you’re blushing and sweating is still a big taboo.

AIBU to think shyness is a terrible condition that ruins lives?

I was a reasonably confident child who became a painfully shy and socially anxious adolescent. Part of it was constantly being told that everything I did or said was wrong and 'not what people do'. I have ASD, so I probably did make some socially inappropriate remarks, but internalising the idea that I didn't know how to be a proper person really didn't help. And of course friendships get more complex as you get older and I didn't know how to handle it, so I didn't have any.

I didn't suspect ASD until my mid-twenties and got my informal diagnosis at 30. Reframing my childhood based on that knowledge helped a lot.

What also helped me was therapy - realising that actually I wasn't the most terrible person in the world, and that if I did make a social faux pas, people weren't going to remember it and hold it against me forever. Also realising that others don't always see us as we see ourselves. I went to university at 28 and once had a younger student say she admired my confidence in class. It was so strange because that was the last word I'd use to describe myself - but I'd usually take the lead/organisational role in group work because often the others would be sitting looking unsure, but I was used to group discussion/projects from the workplace.

Since then I've done things that would make my younger self literally faint or run away, like giving conference talks. I'm always blushing and terrified, but nothing has gone horribly wrong and I once won a 'best talk' award - again, my first thought was that they'd made a mistake and meant the person who spoke before me! I make little bargains with myself - the first time I presented a paper, I told myself that if it was a disaster, I'd leave academia, do something else, and never have to see any of the people in the audience again. It sounds a bit silly, but I meant it, and it lessened the pressure.

It's not all good. Did a paper online (because of covid) where my slides didn't work and nobody told me until over halfway through, so I'd spent about twelve minutes referring to images nobody could see - I stumbled through the rest of it then logged off to have a little cry. But even that wasn't utterly devastating the way it would have been years earlier. It does get easier.

There's also an element of accepting that you are quiet and probably won't ever be the life of the party and that's okay.

I do try and push back againt the complaint my children are quiet - they come from two parents like that it's their personality and they are absolutely fine like that.

Two of them I would say are socially confident - despite one being very shy and other one is more a worry and isn't socially confident and it stop them doing things they were most out going as a toddler but seems to have intrnalised the shy label eveyone tried to put on them and has more of a mixed school and group experience - good and bad.

I'm diagnosed with dyspraxia and suspect child I'm most worried about also has it - though tyring to get anywhere with a disgnosis has proved impossible.

I've seen suggesting it can be harder to read social cues because of that - though I think both if us have had the gas lighting experience of problems ie bullying being dimsissed as we're over sensitive or it was "just a joke" ie we were the problem - and while I've also stood up for my children perhaps because DS is a boy we've had much more dismissing of issues than with the DDs. I'm still working on giving him more opportunties to gain confidence.

I think you have these beliefs well and truly engrained in you:

• I am unlikeable
• I am debilitatingly shy
• People think I am weird
• I cannot do things other people do
• Nothing works so I just have to live with it

These are leading you to avoid situations e.g. going into a restaurant and asking for a table.

I've had LOADS of therapy. I've got social anxiety and agoraphobia which are currently under control thank god.
I can tell you with a huge degree of certainty that avoidance is the enemy of recovery. Every single time you avoid a situation, you feel safe for 10 mins but actually you are perpetuating and reinforcing the self-limiting beliefs.

I know you said CBT doesn't work and neither do beta blockers. This is because you are on the wrong dosage of beta blockers. Either your adrenaline receptors are blocked, or they are not.
You need to get the right dose and then practice situations which you normally avoid.
Start very very small. Gradual, gradual exposure.
You can get better.

@randomlyLostInWales There's also an element of accepting that you are quiet and probably won't ever be the life of the party and that's okay.

It's not the person themselves that's the problem. Most quiet/shy/introverted people are actually OK with it. The real problem is everyone else around you. People just won't let you be! I'm very contented to be introverted, have few friends, not go socialising etc - it doesn't bother me at all. But, it's the pressure from everyone around you, work colleagues, family, friends, neighbours, etc that is the real killer. They often just won't accept that you don't want to go to their party, don't want to go on their night out, don't want to have lunch with them every day, etc. For some, they see it as some kind of demented challenge to "cure" you by bullying you relentlessly until you socialise with them, and then bully you afterwards for not being the life and soul of the party! A lot of shy/introverted people are actually quiet happy to live a simple/quiet life.

@shylady75

I suppose I just wish I was a different person - one of those fun, charismatic, outgoing, hilarious people whose hundreds of friends hang on their every word.

I was reponding to the OP saying this @user1497207191.

I'm fully aware of society giving message that being quiet, shy or not very outgoing is an issue - it's why I've stated I've gently pushed back at the teachers suggeting my children being quiet - a facet of their personality - needs changing.

I'm also aware you can't change how people act, but what you can change is how you react.

I've accepted my personality - and that took a long time for me - and it's much easier to ignore and dimiss all the external messages that I need to be different. Frankly the older I get more I care less what "others" think in general.

Also means I can find the different voices that celebreate quiet personalities for my children rather than trying to make them something else and push back aganist messages others are projecting.

@shylady75 I really feel for you - your shyness does sound very debilitating.

I have a question though - I am fascinated about how you met your dh! If you can't make friends, how did you meet him and manage to start a relationship??

RandomlyLostinWales, it's great you are standing up for your children being accepted just as they are. I think a lot of my problems were made worse by a family feeling of inferiority ( the word 'inadequate' was bandied about a lot in our home). As a child you of course accept the unspoken messages about yourself, family and your place in the world and that tends to be self reinforcing. So your children are fotunate to be told they should be accepted for themselves. I don't remember a day in my life until recently when my thoughts weren't consumed by self criticism and hatred.

I am 62 now so I accept that it may be a counsel of despair to younger peolple with the same toxic psychic load to have patience but it may take time to practice self aceptance. One thing and it may be harsh is that I realised that in fact I was actually judging others just as critically if not meanly as myself and that was just nasty.(Again rooted in childhood experience). I had to practice analysing where such thoughts and feelings came from, deciding if they were reasoanable or justified and if not, replacing them with less judgemental if not actually kind thoughts. Paradoxically another thing that helped a lot is accepting that quite often other people and their opinions were just wrong but I need not be concerned with it or dwell on it in my mind.

Citalopram helped me. I took it for different reasons (pnd) but my god it helped me to feel so much less anxious socially. I feel much more able to have conversations easily. Much less shy at work.

You sound like I used to be. At school sometimes I could go days without saying a word - literally (I used to nod or shake my head, or shrug my shoulders if anyone asked me a question requiring a longer answer). Mild shyness won't ruin your life, but crippling shyness absolutely can.

However, I have largely gotten over my shyness. Not 100%, but enough to function normally in life, which is something I didn't think I would ever manage previously.

One of the biggest hurdles for me was that, having spent my childhood and teen years being too shy to interact with anyone, I lost out on the vital practice of social skills and friendships that most people get at school. However, you can learn to undo it.

First of all, like any phobia, confronting your fear is the best way to banish it. It honestly, honestly is. You just have to keep putting yourself in situations where you have to talk to people and eventually they stop scaring you. I think it helped me a lot that I did a degree that required a lot of public speaking and group discussions. I went from feeling sick for weeks before a presentation to them not phasing me at all. Perhaps there is something you could do to practice interactions..? Another thing is to try and observe how other people act in social interactions and try to copy it. Memorise a few standard responses. I used to ask myself "what would a normal person do in this situation?" then just do it. Also, I realised that one of the reasons for my shyness was that I used to think people wouldn't be interested in hearing what I had to say, but then I realised it's often the opposite - people are FAR more disturbed by the awkward silence and would usually far rather hear you say something at all, even if it's not particularly interesting, than sit there in awkward silence. If in doubt, ask the other person a question. It requires a lot of hard mental work but it is possible to overcome it.

Oh also, I forgot to add - go to the Estee Lauder counter of a department store and get yourself colour matched for some Double Wear foundation, then wear it whenever you are worried about badly blushing! Just a little thing, but it helps to feel more confident, and therefore to relax, and therefore blush less!

(Although also to some extent you have to come to terms with the fact that some people are just born to blush and it's just a part of you.)

@tomorrowalready
One thing and it may be harsh is that I realised that in fact I was actually judging others just as critically if not meanly as myself and that was just nasty

This is so relatable for me, and something I've thought about before, yet rarely mentioned when discussing this topic! I am so critical! When someone sets up a new business for example, I'm inwardly cringing for them, thinking how crap it is and how it won't work. It's really mean, but it's how I am about myself and what I assume others will think of me if I assert myself in pretty much anything. Again rooted in childhood and other people being heavily critical of me. Just realising that not everyone is so negative is a start.

@appleturnovers

Oh also, I forgot to add - go to the Estee Lauder counter of a department store and get yourself colour matched for some Double Wear foundation, then wear it whenever you are worried about badly blushing! Just a little thing, but it helps to feel more confident, and therefore to relax, and therefore blush less!

(Although also to some extent you have to come to terms with the fact that some people are just born to blush and it's just a part of you.)

It is a great foundation. Best I've tried!

I think you are overestimating the confidence that others have. For example, if I was at a party or wedding I would be chatty with acquaintances and people I have never met before. You would think I was confident and self assured but I still think oh god why did I say that or worry I didn’t come across well. I think what I’m trying to say is I don’t let it stop me. I also find you can’t really go wrong with asking people about themselves. I know that this may be hard for you but I think if you want to overcome your shyness you have to try and get out of your comfort zone a little bit.