To think shyness ruins your life?

[shylady75]

I’ve always been chronically shy. School was a real ordeal for me - I never made many friends and whenever the teacher singled me out I would go bright red and freeze up. This made me an easy target for bullies from a young age.

In adulthood I hoped things would improve as I got older but they never did - I now blush and sweat profusely whenever any sort of attention is directed towards me.

I was a straight A student at school but never achieved much career-wise, and I blame my shyness for this. Let’s face it, no one wants to hire the blushing sweaty awkward person over someone ‘normal’, no matter how good their CV.

I do have a lovely DH and two DC, who are also showing signs of shyness and that worries me a lot - the last thing I want is for them to turn out like me and struggle the way I did.

I see a lot in the media about people being more accepting of mental health issues, but shyness to the extent that you’re blushing and sweating is still a big taboo.

AIBU to think shyness is a terrible condition that ruins lives?

I have always been shy from as far back as I can remember. Hiding in my room when guests came over, blushing and really nervous when speaking to strangers. I developed some sort of social anxiety when upon reaching secondary school and was a nervous wreck when doing any sort of public speaking in class. I remember sobbing the night before I was due to do a presentation and had lots of sickness days. My parents were too busy to give a shit but I still wonder why my teachers didn't pick up on this - this anxiety was terrible and the class laughed at me whenever I did any public speaking as my voice shook and body trembled. I was a star student but couldn't face education beyond college due to this painful shyness/social anxiety so it definitely hindered my success in life.

I've tried CBT and life coaching and all sorts really, I am okay with speaking to strangers now and have done various customer facing jobs but still can't speak in front of say more than five strangers. It limits job prospects but I am lucky my job is a quiet one and one that I enjoy. I understand I should try and 'combat' it but if anyone discovers the method I'd love to know.

I’ve been super shy all my life. I’d go bright red and clam up if a teacher spoke to me in class. I’d get stage fright and stand in silence if asked to do a presentation or speech. Even as an adult I avoid public speaking and I’m not keen on meeting new people. However, I wouldn’t say it has ruined my life. I’ve accepted the shyness (and in my case, not being good at verbal communication and socialising) and just played to my strengths instead. I have my family, my DH, my children,and a few close friends and I’m satisfied with that. I’ve worked my way into a job where I can use my skills without having to engage with loads of people. It’s all good!

I don’t think you need to change yourself. Just embrace your own personality and play to your strengths

I’m quite shy, on my first date with my husband I barely spoke at all. Once I know someone I’m quite confident and they have trouble shutting me up, but if we’re in a large group (of people I know), I can still sometimes feel quite shy and feel more comfortable being the observer of the group.

Shyness hasn’t ruined my life at all, I have friends, a husband and a lovely little boy, shyness doesn’t need to have a big negative impact on your life.

I'm another one who thinks 'shyness' is used as a blanket term to cover a lot of various conditions. I agree it can be debilitating if you let it be. But I also believe that there are things that can be done to improve it. Like therapy and actually looking into what the underlying condition is.

@SoundBar

"Shy" isn't a helpful way to describe it. It's too vague. And it sounds like a permanent part of your personality. Which isn't true. At home with DH are you shy? Of course not.

Unpack it OP. What is actually going on when you feel shy? What are your thoughts and feelings? What situations or triggers?

From specific observations you can begin to change the way you perceive yourself and therefore change your responses

This. I struggled for years with shyness, especially in work and some social situations. In my early 30s I realised I needed to face up to it, as it was holding me back and I felt so frustrated when I couldn’t speak up etc. As @SoundBar says, unpack it- I spent a lot of time thinking about what was going on in these situations, how I could overcome it and so on. I also went on a work course at that time that was centred around Meyers-Briggs, and that helped me figure out what was my inherent personality, what was natural introversion and what was ‘shyness’. Previously I lumped all these aspects under my shyness, until I figured out the difference between being quiet and shy. Sometimes it rears up for me again, and I need to remember I can do certain things, like I’ve no difficulty holding my own in a terse work meeting but that I panic phoning to make a restaurant reservation.

This is my advice: beta blockers and CBT.

It's not just shyness it's social anxiety and yes I agree it can feel like it ruins your life.

I am very socially anxious, I am fine at work talking about work things but can't go on team lunches etc. because I just freeze and have no idea what to say to anyone.

School runs are hell on earth, the other parents think I'm a stuck up weirdo because I don't (can't!) chat with them and this then affects my children.

I have had cbt for other forms of anxiety and it worked to an extent but at this point my DH can't speak to a GP about the extreme pain he is experiencing so I don't have much hope in speaking to one about social anxiety so I'm battling on.

I've heard good things about the DARE programme.

My mother worked hard with us as kids on this she was very hot on social skills and was adamant that none of us would be shy as one of us was prone to it. At the time as an awkward 13 year old I was 🙄 but looking back she was absolutely right.

Everyone is getting very worked up about PP asking what you have tried to combat it, but it absolutely IS possible to work on shyness. I was such a shy child I wouldn't speak to family members and would run away crying if I had to. I did lots of work as a teen and young adult and am now an extremely confident person who would think nothing of getting up in front of a thousand people to deliver a presentation. It is a phobia, and all phobias can be treated by exposure.

@SeaShoreGalore

What, if anything, have you done to combat it

Jesus Christ, it's not a work appraisal!

As more than one pp has said, the OP is behaving as though this is an innate personality trait which has ruined her life, when, as lots of posters have also said, there are lots of things you can do to work on it. Handwringing isn’t going to change things. She’s had lots of good advice. But feel free to get outraged on her behalf, obviously.

Yes realistically it definitely can do OP. But it is also possible I think to fight against it

@MsTSwift

My mother worked hard with us as kids on this she was very hot on social skills and was adamant that none of us would be shy as one of us was prone to it. At the time as an awkward 13 year old I was 🙄 but looking back she was absolutely right.

What did your mother actually do, @MsTSwift? My mother actually approved (and approved) of shy, whispery children who say ‘I don’t mind’ any time they’re spoken to, and she loathes confidence in adult women, so you can imagine how much work I and my sisters had to do in our teens.

Can you explain what happens when you’re feeling shy? Is it worrying what others think, being worried about being vulnerable?

You can get special makeup on prescription that conceals blushing, although I don't know the name of it

I have subtype 1 rosacea that causes flushes in social/stressful and hot environments. It’s completely ruined my life in every regard and I’m old now! I’ve had lots of expensive treatments and none have helped. It’s one of the hardest subtypes to control. So you have my utmost sympathy OP 💐

It’s affected my life strongly in that I find interviews extremely difficult as I can’t think or answer confidently. I have worked on it and it got easier with experience but I think I’d have had more success earlier on in my life if I weren’t so shy. It does still affect me now and I tend to overcompensate and come across as aggressive or else just silent. It’s difficult. The feeling of anxiety is always there though.

Mumsnet would not approve of my mother’s methods ! With hindsight she was bloody right though. I have done the same.

I knew my work was done when we were queuing for the classroom and there was a lull in the adults conversation. My then 6 year old turned to one of the mums and asked “do you have any nice plans for the weekend? 😁. My work was done!

I was incredibly shy as a teen and in my early twenties, it was so debilitating. In my 30s now and most definitely not shy, took a lot of work to get here though.

I really don't want my dc to go through what I did. They're very young right now and seem pretty confident although sometimes anxious. We talk about feelings a lot as I want them to be able to articulate how they feel and grow their emotional intelligence. They also, quite typically for little kids I guess love music, singing, dancing etc, so will do my best to encourage this as I think it helps confidence. I loved doing drama as a kid but was never encouraged in it as I was such a quiet, shy kid (eg. never allowed to be in the school plays despite putting my name down for it several times), but I think it would've really helped my confidence.

@MsTSwift what were the methods? I definitely don’t want to pass my mutism on!

I have social anxiety. Been like this since I can remember. As a young child I felt a deep shame of who I was because of it. I still do even now. Family / teachers would chastise me for it. Their look of disgust on their faces still etched in my memory.

She's too quiet, she doesn't speak, she's boring, that's not the only mouse that's here, why don't you speak- I find it so irritating, oh it speaks! if I was hiring I would never give her a job because of her social skills, I'm not sure you'll ever find anyone (boyfriend). And then after meeting DH - I can't believe you actually found someone who is ok with you being the way you are.
These are things that have been said to me in childhood right up into adulthood in recent times by family /cousins.

It's no wonder my self esteem is non existent. In my teens and early adulthood I almost tried killing myself because of it. I hate being the way that I am and I know for a fact that people hate it too.

As others have said that sounds like social anxiety, which is a highly treatable disorder. You don’t have to just submit to living like this. Are you interested in some self help resources or signposting to get help?

I agree with you OP but there are different elements to this, there's having a normal introverted, quiet personality which is all good and there's an overlap with social anxiety/general anxiety and other mental health conditions that definitely can ruin your life, well they certainly have badly limited my life. I would really recommend talking to your GP and like a pp said beta blockers like propanolol, and CBT have made a huge difference to me. Beta blockers will stop the blushing and sweating to allow you to put the CBT strategies into practice. I also practice mindfulness every day, I listen to an app and this makes a huge difference to me too in managing social anxiety-but I still feel it, I'll always be 'shy' as a personality type. In my experience I don't think it can be overcome if it's part of who you are, but I think you can change how you react when you are in a situation where you feel shy. For me it takes a lot of effort and energy to continue despite the shyness, so I pick and choose what is really important to me so for example I use the CBT techniques to be able to do a presentation at work but I then need spend lunch on my own I don't have the mental energy left to hold it together to socialize with colleagues too. If forced into it, I find I cannot speak. Not that I don't want to but it's like my throat closes off and words don't come out. Be gentle with yourself, think of how much you've already achieved despite struggling. You didn't just hide under the bed your whole life you've done many many things and can get help to do everything you want to do in life.

Definitely, I've been shy all my life and could only ever speak to my mum, family events were excruciating as I didn't speak to my sister, brother in law etc. Im better now I'm late 40's but this is because my mum is no longer around to speak for me!! However my dd9 is just the same as me and has just been diagnosed with ASD so I wonder if that's what I have too.

I think "shyness" in adults is either autism, or social anxiety, or a lack of social skills due to the family you grew up in. All three of those conditions can be helped immensely with strategies but you need to decide you want to change something, and then ask for / look for help.

I was a very shy child, in hindsight it's pretty obvious my mother is autistic and we were never shown how to make conversation or be friendly to other people. I remember reading a story in the Readers Digest about a man who overcame his shyness to a large degree after deciding that being shy is selfish, and starting to focus on how his behaviour was making other people feel. I don't know if that would be a helpful perspective for you? I know it has helped me a lot

Good luck OP, you can work on this if you want to!

I'm the same OP and it definitely has had massive impact on my life. The worst part is my career (or lack of) I freeze and my brain just shuts down in any kind of social or work situation where I'm expected to contribute. Like you said - people only want to hire someone "normal" who will fit in

I also have two DC and am terrified of them ending up like me. They are both already showing signs, but how can I help them if I cant even help myself?

I have previously been on fairly strong anxiety meds and they helped a lot with the blushing and sweating (and unexpectedly helped me get over my fear of driving) but I still struggled with actually talking to people

@MadameMonk - thank you so much for this post, something I will be giving a lot of thought