To think shyness ruins your life?

[shylady75]

I’ve always been chronically shy. School was a real ordeal for me - I never made many friends and whenever the teacher singled me out I would go bright red and freeze up. This made me an easy target for bullies from a young age.

In adulthood I hoped things would improve as I got older but they never did - I now blush and sweat profusely whenever any sort of attention is directed towards me.

I was a straight A student at school but never achieved much career-wise, and I blame my shyness for this. Let’s face it, no one wants to hire the blushing sweaty awkward person over someone ‘normal’, no matter how good their CV.

I do have a lovely DH and two DC, who are also showing signs of shyness and that worries me a lot - the last thing I want is for them to turn out like me and struggle the way I did.

I see a lot in the media about people being more accepting of mental health issues, but shyness to the extent that you’re blushing and sweating is still a big taboo.

AIBU to think shyness is a terrible condition that ruins lives?

This was me at school OP. Extremely bright but painfully shy. Teenage years were awful. It's just so debilitating isn't it.

By my mid 20s I'd become confident in my own skin and began to really start living. I'm now in my 30s and newer friends just wouldn't recognise me as a kid.

Interesting posters have mentioned ASD, I've often wondered if that's why I was so very shy. I can see traits in my dad.

@stepupandbecounted

My dd is a shy teen, and I am kind of horrified reading the negativity on here. I get that life might be easier if can handle everything the world has to offer, and not feel uncomfortable, but the beauty, kindness and intelligence is what makes my dd a stand out, not the decibels of her voice. When she speaks, which is often, it is considered, thoughtful and interesting to people, her opinions often carry more authority because she isn't delivering them 247. People actually listen to her. Being a brilliant listener herself means she has gained so much wisdom and knowledge, she doesn't 'steal the show' and respect other people's space and personalities. I would say she is very confident in herself compared to her peers, she doesn't go to places she doesn't like, she is happy to turn down the many invitations she gets, she takes care of herself and her well being because she is not reliant on other people socially, she can take it or leave it. Gloriously happy in her own company she never suffers from FOMO and couldn't care less about the dramas in school.

I see her introversion as liberation!!

I on the other hand, as an extrovert am entirely dependent on socialising to feel happy, I get my energy from being out with other people not the other way around, so I am kind of needy in a way my dd will never be. I feel envious of her independence and her ability to be completely herself. It is a super power of sorts. She is entirely self sufficient emotionally, mentally and physically. I admire her, she has many people around her that do, and value the beautiful soul she is.

How you can describe a life with a good job, an excellent education, a happy marriage and two children as a life 'ruined' is beyond me. It sounds a little ungrateful and misguided to say the least. You have achieved what many would love to have. So it can't have held you back that much op.

Start to value your silence, your gentle soul and be who are you, and then maybe it won't feel so painful anymore. Why force yourself to be something you are not. Find a life that suits you and your tastes, you do not need to live a life as an actor.

You seem to be conflating introversion and shyness. Your DD doesn't sound at all shy -- she sounds mature and quietly self-confident.

Get your children into extracurricular activities that push them out of their comfort zone. It helps confidence building

Shyness is probably learned behaviour. It doesn't helped being labeled it as then you tend to live up to that label.

There were times as a child I was painfully child but that had more to do with being punished and not really allowed to have friends.

Then I wasn't shy in high school or uni. I was an entertainer for awhile and not shy.

Then I experienced abuse and became painfully shy again. Fear of being punished, shamed, humiliated, rejected. Just now coming out of it.

It really isn't some innate unchangeable trait.

@stepupandbecounted

My dd is a shy teen, and I am kind of horrified reading the negativity on here. I get that life might be easier if can handle everything the world has to offer, and not feel uncomfortable, but the beauty, kindness and intelligence is what makes my dd a stand out, not the decibels of her voice. When she speaks, which is often, it is considered, thoughtful and interesting to people, her opinions often carry more authority because she isn't delivering them 247. People actually listen to her. Being a brilliant listener herself means she has gained so much wisdom and knowledge, she doesn't 'steal the show' and respect other people's space and personalities. I would say she is very confident in herself compared to her peers, she doesn't go to places she doesn't like, she is happy to turn down the many invitations she gets, she takes care of herself and her well being because she is not reliant on other people socially, she can take it or leave it. Gloriously happy in her own company she never suffers from FOMO and couldn't care less about the dramas in school.

I see her introversion as liberation!!

I on the other hand, as an extrovert am entirely dependent on socialising to feel happy, I get my energy from being out with other people not the other way around, so I am kind of needy in a way my dd will never be. I feel envious of her independence and her ability to be completely herself. It is a super power of sorts. She is entirely self sufficient emotionally, mentally and physically. I admire her, she has many people around her that do, and value the beautiful soul she is.

How you can describe a life with a good job, an excellent education, a happy marriage and two children as a life 'ruined' is beyond me. It sounds a little ungrateful and misguided to say the least. You have achieved what many would love to have. So it can't have held you back that much op.

Start to value your silence, your gentle soul and be who are you, and then maybe it won't feel so painful anymore. Why force yourself to be something you are not. Find a life that suits you and your tastes, you do not need to live a life as an actor.

If your DD is confident, happy to speak when she chooses to, eloquent and able to speak up, and secure in herself then... she is not shy!

Quiet doesn't equal shy.

coriander no she is most definitely shy. She blushes terribly when the teachers speaks to her or other parents, especially the good looking male ones, she dreads social occasions and she is most definitely shy as all of her school reports will testify, much to my anger. She is 100% shy but we don't draw attention to it, and wish the teachers would stop banging on about it to be honest. I refuse to see it in a negative light. I don't want her to think it is inherently wrong and something that needs to be fixed, it is just how she is.

I haven't read all the replies yet, I will work my way through now - but to respond to some people's questions:

I've just looked up the signs of autism and don't think I have that. I think my issue is debilitating social anxiety. I was badly bullied at school for the blushing and sweating - that knocked my confidence hugely and made me even more frightened to speak up in class or make friends.

I did go to university but was a complete loner - I avoided all social contact as I was too scared to talk to anyone. I didn't make one friend during my whole time at uni.

Despite doing well academically I was never able to get a decent job because I fluffed every interview I went to. I still remember some of the baffled looks on interviewers' faces when I started clamming up and going bright red. It still gives me shivers.

I wouldn't say my parents are outgoing, but they're not shy either - they're just 'normal' really and have a good social life.

I would say she is very confident in herself compared to her peers, she doesn't go to places she doesn't like, she is happy to turn down the many invitations she gets, she takes care of herself and her well being because she is not reliant on other people socially, she can take it or leave it.

Your daughter doesn't sound shy to me either! I never got invited to anything at school because I barely had any friends. I'm not confident in myself at all and have very low self esteem, which I think is a big part of my problem. I think I'm very boring, dry company and seem to have a knack of saying the wrong thing, so it's understandable that no one would want to be friends with me.

I'm also very inarticulate around everyone except my DH, partly because I can't relax enough to tell a funny story or be the centre of attention for more than a few seconds. With DH I can chat for ages, but not with anyone else.

I expect they might be similar to the ones I've employed with my DS (who is prone to shyness) which is to make him to do the things that make him feel uncomfortable, i.e. from an early age, if he wanted an ice-cream he had to go into the shop and ask for one; I refused to ask for him. At restaurants, if he wanted Fish and Chips, he had to order it (or else I'd order him something less appealing). I made him call grandparents on the phone to thank them for gifts (or he didn't get to play with the gift). When we were visiting our friends/family, I brought him into conversation, even though he was squirming with embarrassment and I knew he'd prefer to say nothing (e.g. "Tell Aunt Sue what happened when we went to the farm on Tuesday").

My parents tried this approach with me and I'm sorry to say it made no difference whatsoever - if anything it made me worse, as I felt so desperately self conscious being put on the spot.

I've now got to the point where I won't even walk into a restaurant to ask for a table - I'll ask DH to go in first.

When I'm meeting someone I will feel extremely nervous and anxious beforehand and my mood will get very low.

When I got on the train to go off to University, I told myself I was not going to be shy any more.
I got off the train not shy. An act of will. I have not been shy since.

I did laugh at this - I've tried it many times. If only it was that simple.

We live in a world made for extroverts by extroverts. If you are shy or have social phobia it's hell.

@stepupandbecounted

coriander no she is most definitely shy. She blushes terribly when the teachers speaks to her or other parents, especially the good looking male ones, she dreads social occasions and she is most definitely shy as all of her school reports will testify, much to my anger. She is 100% shy but we don't draw attention to it, and wish the teachers would stop banging on about it to be honest. I refuse to see it in a negative light. I don't want her to think it is inherently wrong and something that needs to be fixed, it is just how she is.

But now you're saying something quite different to your previous post about her, which presents her as speaking frequently, if quietly, having her opinions valued, socially mature in that she knows what she can deal with, turns down stuff she doesn't like, independent-minded and secure in herself -- nothing wrong there. She sounds admirable together for her age.

But in this post, you say she blushes terribly when parents or teachers speak to her, dreads social occasions, and her teachers clearly perceive her shyness as limiting (which I know you are irritated by, but isn't there a point at which you think that if a lot of the adults who see her regularly with her peers think this, that it is genuinely limiting, rather than them being unreasonable?)

Is her shyness hampering her life, education, ambitions etc or not? Does it curtail her sense of herself?

Okay she is very chatty and confident with family and close friends, but at school she feels put on the spot when asked questions and doesn't enjoy small talk generally with anyone. So she is both. Shy with people she doesn't know, not shy with people she knows well.

I think her shyness hampers her education as she is finds speaking in public hard and keeps quiet when she could be more engaged. She seems to like a low key social life. She is not old enough to know if it will impact her ambitions. I can't think the blushing is comfortable for her, even if she doesn't complain about it.

@largebouquet, totally agree. @stepupandbecounted, lots of contradictions there and very difficult to grasp the nature of your daughter's shyness, confidence, self-esteem, social skills or anything else.

@sleepygnome

We live in a world made for extroverts by extroverts. If you are shy or have social phobia it's hell.

The point has been made already but introversion is not the issue. My best friend is introverted i.e. enjoys his own company, finds crowds and big social occasions exhausting etc but he is enviably brilliant socially. Everyone seems to love him. (Probably why I love him) and it does make a difference to his opportunities: people recommending him for jobs, always willing to do favours for him etc. It's shyness the world hates!

"What, if anything, have you done to combat it?

What an incredibly unthinking response. Was there really nothing else you could think of to post?"

I completely disagree. I think it could be crucial. And OP hadn't actually answered it.

Counselling could be great. Especially because many other posters have asked interesting questions of/to the OP. Re where her shyness comes from. How, why. Coping mechanisms to combat it. Like anxiety. A good counsellor May at least be able to unpick a particular moment where damage was done. Or help suggest things for op going forward.

One of the reasons I left a previous job was through chronic shyness. I just hated getting up and talking in front of loads of people. I hated being put on the spot, it was awful. I totally get it.

"I've now got to the point where I won't even walk into a restaurant to ask for a table - I'll ask DH to go in first."

So this is bad. But have you ever unpicked it op? Why not go in. What's the worst that can happen here, the restaurant owner says no. Why is that a problem?

Are you sure this is shyness? Or even anxiety? Sounds like a different problem possibly?

And please could you answer the question on what you've done to resolve it. Have you ever had counselling? For anything else? Why not start now?

What books have you read to try and help this. I bet there are loads MN'ers could recommend. Cbt? Ad's or beta blockers?

One of the worst things about being shy/quiet/self-conscious/introverted/socially anxious/avoidant is being publically labelled and discussed as such. I remember from the earliest age adults standing around making remarks on how shy I was. Even then I was bewlidered as to why they would do that, did they think it would help? It has definitely affected my life to a large degree. I learnt the word 'introverted ' from a school report aged 11. Losing opportunities in work, social life, etc from the fear of putting yourself forward has been the story of my life. Very late I have learned not to be bothered.

I remember reading advice from Claire Rayner that actually other people don't care about you. But it took me most of my life to be able to believe that. People really do make very personal comments about others with little or no meaning behind it. they just open their mouths and out it comes. I was brought up to believe that if others gave out their opinions there must be great thought and import to it. Nope, mostly it just spews out . Empty vessels make the most noise.

There are a lot of hurt people on this thread, and I am really sorry some of you have clearly been very affected by other's judgements and labels.

What would have made it easier as a child? More support? Less judging? Valued more?

We used to have a country that valued the quiet thinker, thought being shy was rather charming and modesty as a good quality to have as a person.

I was going to add that after a lifetime of being emotionally and socially paralysed, I am now struggling with imposter syndrome as I seem to have emerged into a socially competent older person. An Example is that after spending the last 18 months alone , not seeing or speaking to anyone in the last few weeks I have had reason to meet and speak to over a dozen new people and know I am coming over as a sociable, confident, pleasant person to meet. I feel it is not really me but if that is how I appear maybe that is who I am?

Sounds more like you have social anxiety or social phobia then Op rather than shyness. I have a phobia (not social) and it can be utterly debilitating and it has taken more crying, panic attacks and fits of fainting than I'd care to admit to make even a jot of progress, but I have made progress.

So I would suggest trying some therapy or CBT if you really want to break down some of that fear.

Good luck either way x

So this is bad. But have you ever unpicked it op? Why not go in. What's the worst that can happen here, the restaurant owner says no. Why is that a problem?

Are you sure this is shyness? Or even anxiety? Sounds like a different problem possibly?

And please could you answer the question on what you've done to resolve it. Have you ever had counselling? For anything else? Why not start now?

@Oblomov21 what problem would it be then? Please do tell.

I’ve read lots of self help books, exposing myself to difficult situations, CBT, counselling and beta blockers. None of it has helped, with the exception of the beta blockers, which did make me feel calmer, BUT didn’t stop the blushing and sweating. As soon as I was aware that I was still doing that, the anxiety and shyness kicked in all over again.

What would have made it easier as a child? More support? Less judging? Valued more?

All of those things I think, particularly less judging by others. But how do you stop kids bullying other kids for shyness and blushing? Is it even possible? Probably not.

And I’m sorry if I sound snippy in my previous post, but it’s so hard hearing people think that this can be magically cured by a bit of CBT or stepping off a train and resolving to be a different person. I’ve struggled so much with it my whole life and believe me, I’ve tried nearly everything. I’m exhausted and feel life is not worth living sometimes because of it. I just want to have friends and for people to like me. I’m a kind and caring person, I honestly am - but I’m also very boring, inarticulate and not fun to spend time with.

I suppose I just wish I was a different person - one of those fun, charismatic, outgoing, hilarious people whose hundreds of friends hang on their every word.