To think shyness ruins your life?

[shylady75]

I’ve always been chronically shy. School was a real ordeal for me - I never made many friends and whenever the teacher singled me out I would go bright red and freeze up. This made me an easy target for bullies from a young age.

In adulthood I hoped things would improve as I got older but they never did - I now blush and sweat profusely whenever any sort of attention is directed towards me.

I was a straight A student at school but never achieved much career-wise, and I blame my shyness for this. Let’s face it, no one wants to hire the blushing sweaty awkward person over someone ‘normal’, no matter how good their CV.

I do have a lovely DH and two DC, who are also showing signs of shyness and that worries me a lot - the last thing I want is for them to turn out like me and struggle the way I did.

I see a lot in the media about people being more accepting of mental health issues, but shyness to the extent that you’re blushing and sweating is still a big taboo.

AIBU to think shyness is a terrible condition that ruins lives?

I was very shy as a child but, crucially I think, wasn’t criticised for it by my parents.
Shy people are introverts aren’t they? There’s nothing wrong with being an introvert. It’s rare that you come across an introvert who is also an arsehole, I find.
During my teens and into my twenties I suffered from social anxiety, but not so badly that I required treatment.
I overcame it. I think it was my career that did it. I’m a teacher, so I had to become more confident as part of my job. This was something I found tricky at the start. (Not with the kids - they were always easy to talk to).
I am content with myself the way I am. I’ll never be an extrovert and I resent it when some people criticise me for not being loud (why do people do this? I accept them for who they are, so why can’t they do the same?).
I think you need to work on valuing yourself for who you are OP. Then maybe try something a bit out of your comfort zone. Do an adult education class or something, then the focus is on the lesson and the socialising is a minor part of it.
That ‘Quiet’ book recommended upthread is very good.
I’ve taught shy children over the years. They have always been lovely people. You can’t force them to be something they’re not.

Definitely feel like it ruins part of my life! I have PTSD which has caused social anxiety and whereas I used to be very confident and outgoing I am now deeply fearful of what I used to love. I feel like an athlete who's been paralyzed. It also affects work because whereas before I used to love public speaking I now can't do it - even meetings are very difficult and even if I get through them I can't be funny/engaging because of the anxiety.

I used to love meeting people, going out, just talking/joking/entertaining, and it's left a huge hole. And I judge myself massively for it which doesn't help - shyness/anxiety is really judged by people who don't have it in my experience and feel you should somehow work harder or power through it, but that's not how it works, at least for me. Even if I get through one situation, the anxiety is the same in the next one.

It has gotten a lot better since the worst point though, so that's not to say it can't improve.

@SimonJT

I’m quite shy, on my first date with my husband I barely spoke at all. Once I know someone I’m quite confident and they have trouble shutting me up, but if we’re in a large group (of people I know), I can still sometimes feel quite shy and feel more comfortable being the observer of the group.

Shyness hasn’t ruined my life at all, I have friends, a husband and a lovely little boy, shyness doesn’t need to have a big negative impact on your life.

Same.

@AnyFucker

What, if anything, have you done to combat it

It isn’t something that you can really just decide to “combat”

I disagree. I think we often see ourselves how people around us told us we were in childhood but people change. I was a very shy child, definitely the most shy in my primary class, and am an extroverted adult who often opens conversations with new people at work, at toddler groups etc. People I meet now cannot believe I used to be shy. A lot of it is because my husband is very chatty and funny and I've learned from him without really realising. I'm not trying to downplay the OP's situation, but for some people it is possible to change quite a major thing about you. It's certainly worth thinking about what small steps you could take that might help make a change.

I agree. I never blushed or got sweaty but I didn’t know how respond or start conversation with people. I got lonely so to break the cycle I copied the behaviour of a sociable person I knew. Yes, it’s fakery but it got me friends. It worked very well.

I was very shy as a child and teen. Now I am not particularly shy at all, although I am still naturally not likely to take central stage. I decided about age 16 to do something about it so I kept pushing at the edge of my comfort zone until talking to people became easier. There were lots of awkward moments in there, but I didn't give up. It took quite a few years though. There are many reasons to be shy and for some people it probably isn't possible to do much about it, but I don't think it is something it just has to be lived with for all shy people.

I think shyness can bought your life. I struggled into my 30s through being shy. It led me to lacking confidence and coming across as nervous at work. So I was never trusted, leading me to be micromanaaged and making the problem worse.

When I look at my peers who are doing better they arent shy. They just seem to get 'it' whatever 'it' is.

I really empathise with OP. It's like they were born knowing the rules or were given a copy of them. It feels like I had to figure the rules out by breaking them over and over.

I think we often see ourselves how people around us told us we were in childhood but people change.

Absolutely. Not only was I modelled extreme shyness and friendlessness by both parents in childhood, but my mother thoroughly approved of shyness in children, especially girls, and was very scathing about 'forward' children, or indeed any adult woman who didn't look perpetually embarrassed at her own existence.

It is perfectly possible to break out of childhood scripts, with work and effort.

I understand OP.

Luckily I have become more confident in the work environment but I still struggle with things like conference calls, especially if I have to lead. I hate speaking to people on the phone at all, let alone people I don't know. I don't even like walking into a restaurant ahead of my DP in case I have to ask for a table instead of him.

Personally, I have always been too scared and shy to join any kind of group activity, ever since I was little. Wouldn't go to Brownies, wouldn't do any sports, wouldn't go to orchestra, etc etc. I would love to join a netball team now, just for casual games and to make friends, but I just can't do it.

I have red hair and was always picked on and singled out as a child because of it, and the way that made me feel has never left me. So even now, at 32, I feel like I will be excluded and talked about and just not fit in if I did try and join in with something.

Ooh, I love this topic! Yes I have been painfully self conscious my whole life, and I would have previously agreed with you on it ruining you life, but having had a lot of therapy into why I felt this way I now realise that it was tied up with a lot of other stuff for me. I also feel that those of us who feel this way know how crap it feels so lets not beat ourselves up anymore. For anyone who has a story about speaking in public and going red, this just shows what a rock star you are for managing to speak up regardless of what was going on internally for you. My children can be quite self conscious but the one thing I refuse to do is shame them for it. Or try and rid them of it. I just want to teach them to be kind to themselves, above all else, because if anyone had taught me that in childhood that would have been priceless, not being repeatedly told that I was too quiet and should speak up more. Fuck that.

I agree with others that “shyness” unless something more serious can be worked on. I would describe myself as shy and an introvert who certainly wouldn’t volunteer to give a speech. However, over the years of education, work, and socializing, I’ve become quite adept at meeting new people and having good conversations and making friends. Still, to this day, after an evening out with new people, I feel amazed that I did well and appeared normal, but every time, it always turns out well.

Yes I have a colleague like this.
She is nearly 40, still lives at home, single, no friends or social life and comes across a lot younger because of it. She is lovely and it's a shame because if she improved her confidence she would transform.

@MadameMonk What a wonderful, considered post you made. Thank you.

@AnyFucker

What, if anything, have you done to combat it

It isn’t something that you can really just decide to “combat”

It absolutely is! Confidence can be a learned behaviour. Fake it till you make it etc.

Shy people are introverts aren’t they? There’s nothing wrong with being an introvert.

I don't think they are the same thing, though admittedly they do tend to occur together a fair bit. But it's definitely possible to be an introvert and not shy - introverts are more of a personality trait (that's not changeable IME) whereas shyness is an anxiety thing and can be improved on. It's not easy, and I think you have to take baby steps. I was painfully painfully shy as a child, I'm better as an adult, but I do have to work on it constantly. I have to psyche myself up to talk to people, and do a lot of rehearsing of what I'm going to say (though that can sometimes backfire and make me more anxious).

I wouldn't say it's ruined my life, not at all, it's made some areas more challenging definitely. If I could wave a wand and not be shy at all, I would, but I also know that with effort I can diminish the fear a little.

I disagree. I was awfully shy, even at 15 I used to hide behind my mum if someone spoke to me. Then I got a job in a shop and had to speak. After that I got a job as a carer. I still blush and get flustered if I feel paranoid about too much attention on me but I’ve not let it hold me back at all. I have a successful career and a good group of friends. I also have never told my children they’re shy even when they were because it’s unhelpful.

So yes there are things you can do to combat it.

I didn’t know how respond or start conversation with people. I got lonely so to break the cycle I copied the behaviour of a sociable person I knew. Yes, it’s fakery but it got me friends. It worked very well.

Interesting because I tried this and it didn't work at all. Things that got positive responses, laughter and conversation when said or done by my friend got blank stares and looks when said or done by me.

I have really tried to overcome my shyness and to some extent I have, but unfortunately I'm still boring and awkward as hell. The difference is everyone knows for sure now because I'm talking to everyone (they aren't enjoying it though ).

Is there any cure for being awkward?

I'm painfully shy and found faking it only works in short bursts. Fine to have a chat to a cab driver for example, but utterly exhausting and soul destroying to do every day at work.

I was a painfully shy child, like others have said this was always remarked upon negatively by family and teachers so the shyness became full blown social anxiety.
I'm not as bad as I used to be but I think that's down to age as I'm 46 now and I have learnt almost to 'mirror' more outgoing and social people to appear more 'normal' whatever that means.
I would definitely say it had hindered me career wise though not so much on a personal level as I'm happily married and have 2 dcs and a small circle of good friends.
I do remember one of my teachers in secondary school asking my Mum if I might have autism and had she looked into it, but my Mum actually took offence to that , probably because back then autism was less known about or diagnosed than it is now, but still.
I do definitely think I'm on the spectrum in some way though, I think it's too late to get diagnosed now, what would be the point?

Jigsawtrain Shop work helped me too, ended up in a role where I had to approach customers to sell them stuff. Which is awful, especially when so many people would really rather you didn't. 😂 But it did mean that the more I did it the less anxious and shy I became.

The other thing I found useful was to alar create a character in my head and approach people as that character. That character was much less self conscious so able to handle social situations better. It sounds daft, but it works.

I also think that if you’re working in a role where you have to speak to people you don’t know, as you become more confident in your role the less shy you become. Get yourself out there @shylady75

Yes totally. I am also very shy. I actually loved school and had lots of friends but hated speaking in front of the class and it definitely held me back. I was offered interviews at Oxbridge but was too shy to go through with them so accepted the uni where I didn't have to interview I made myself travel the world and go into a job where I have to speak a lot but it still holds me back, everything seems like a battle whereas to others life seems to come more easily.

My dd is a shy teen, and I am kind of horrified reading the negativity on here. I get that life might be easier if can handle everything the world has to offer, and not feel uncomfortable, but the beauty, kindness and intelligence is what makes my dd a stand out, not the decibels of her voice.
When she speaks, which is often, it is considered, thoughtful and interesting to people, her opinions often carry more authority because she isn't delivering them 247. People actually listen to her.
Being a brilliant listener herself means she has gained so much wisdom and knowledge, she doesn't 'steal the show' and respect other people's space and personalities.
I would say she is very confident in herself compared to her peers, she doesn't go to places she doesn't like, she is happy to turn down the many invitations she gets, she takes care of herself and her well being because she is not reliant on other people socially, she can take it or leave it. Gloriously happy in her own company she never suffers from FOMO and couldn't care less about the dramas in school.

I see her introversion as liberation!!

I on the other hand, as an extrovert am entirely dependent on socialising to feel happy, I get my energy from being out with other people not the other way around, so I am kind of needy in a way my dd will never be. I feel envious of her independence and her ability to be completely herself. It is a super power of sorts. She is entirely self sufficient emotionally, mentally and physically. I admire her, she has many people around her that do, and value the beautiful soul she is.

How you can describe a life with a good job, an excellent education, a happy marriage and two children as a life 'ruined' is beyond me. It sounds a little ungrateful and misguided to say the least. You have achieved what many would love to have. So it can't have held you back that much op.

Start to value your silence, your gentle soul and be who are you, and then maybe it won't feel so painful anymore. Why force yourself to be something you are not. Find a life that suits you and your tastes, you do not need to live a life as an actor.

SORRY for typos, pressed send before checking :)

@SimonJT

I’m quite shy, on my first date with my husband I barely spoke at all. Once I know someone I’m quite confident and they have trouble shutting me up, but if we’re in a large group (of people I know), I can still sometimes feel quite shy and feel more comfortable being the observer of the group.

Shyness hasn’t ruined my life at all, I have friends, a husband and a lovely little boy, shyness doesn’t need to have a big negative impact on your life.

I'm similar to you. I like to observe when in large groups and just chip in when others stop talking over each other. I was painfully shy as a kid but now am happy meeting new people. I don't think my shyness was caused by any of these things. My parents were sociable and outgoing and encouraged me. It was just me. I liked to live in my own head and didn't really need others. Also, in the 80s I'm pretty sure people would have thought my parents were crazy to look for help for shyness. It was just a thing that some kids were. It is only an issue if it holds you back. If you feel it does then perhaps developing some techniques to overcome shyness would help.