To think shyness ruins your life?

[shylady75]

I’ve always been chronically shy. School was a real ordeal for me - I never made many friends and whenever the teacher singled me out I would go bright red and freeze up. This made me an easy target for bullies from a young age.

In adulthood I hoped things would improve as I got older but they never did - I now blush and sweat profusely whenever any sort of attention is directed towards me.

I was a straight A student at school but never achieved much career-wise, and I blame my shyness for this. Let’s face it, no one wants to hire the blushing sweaty awkward person over someone ‘normal’, no matter how good their CV.

I do have a lovely DH and two DC, who are also showing signs of shyness and that worries me a lot - the last thing I want is for them to turn out like me and struggle the way I did.

I see a lot in the media about people being more accepting of mental health issues, but shyness to the extent that you’re blushing and sweating is still a big taboo.

AIBU to think shyness is a terrible condition that ruins lives?

I also don’t understand why people say there’s nothing wrong with being shy, it’s something to be celebrated. I’m living proof that is not the case!

Also the poster who mentioned they turned down an interview at Oxbridge due to shyness - I can very much relate to that. I was also told I could go to a very good university based on my academic performance, but chose not to apply as I couldn’t face the interview process. So yes, shyness does have a terrible, negative impact on how your life pans out. It’s not something to be celebrated.

Well. I appreciate the 2nd post re being snippy.

Tbf none of us knew you'd already tried almost everything because you hadn't explained that before. Not in your op nor any of your subsequent posts.

Many people had asked you what you'd tried, mentioned cbt etc. So that was why I specifically asked you to clarify what you had read/ what counselling etc you'd had before.

If you honestly think you've already tried everything then I don't know what else to suggest.

@Oblomov21

Well. I appreciate the 2nd post re being snippy.

Tbf none of us knew you'd already tried almost everything because you hadn't explained that before. Not in your op nor any of your subsequent posts.

Many people had asked you what you'd tried, mentioned cbt etc. So that was why I specifically asked you to clarify what you had read/ what counselling etc you'd had before.

If you honestly think you've already tried everything then I don't know what else to suggest.

Agree with this. What can we say if you've tried everything and know nothing works? Other than agreement about, and sympathy for, how shit being shy is, there's nothing you're hoping to get from this thread?

My heart goes out to you. I've also suffered from social anxiety and shyness and have spent 30 years trying a variety of therapies and gradually I'm getting there.
I would suggest you find a psychotherapist as you'll need to analyse your childhood and infancy.
I believe most of my issues were caused by the toxic dynamics that existed in our family. If you don't get your needs met as a baby/child you will struggle with relationships throughout your life.
Do you have siblings, are there any unusual family dynamics that you're aware of like someone being the scapegoat or being the golden child?
Have you ever read any of the Alice Miller books such as The drama of the gifted child?

Shylady65, I hope you don't mind me addressing you personally but I Just want to say I understand the kind of depair you are expressing. Maybe it's hard for those who haven't experienced it to understand the feeling of exclusion social anxiety can bring. I don't like to think of the hours of misery and I have to say real envy I spent as a younger person when it seemed everyone else could just get on, have friends, relationships, jobs and not worry about it unless something actually happened. I had years of therapies that came no where near addressing my fundmental problem because they couldn't. Simply put I hated and despised myself and projected that onto others. I was looking for permission to live and was not going to get it from anyone else. I resisted the teachings of CBT and they may be simplistic but having read a number of self help books I did start to question the basis of my beliefs and challenge my reactions. But I also think getting older has helped me so much. On the other hand Ido live a challenge free life so don't know how calm I would be in more of the public eye. hence my previous reference to feeling like an imposter for appearing to be a 'normal' post middle-aged woman. After all we all do look at the outside of others from the inside of us or whatever the saying is. It's true there are no one off simple solutions when the feelings are deep rooted but please be forgiving and loving to yourself.

@BornFree, I also found Alice Miller's books heplful and also Dorothy Rowe, I found her books in the library, can't remember the titles now.

I feel incredibly shy. I’ve learnt to pretend I’m not. However it’s difficult to go out on social stuff - often I enjoy it when I’m out if I’ve had a few drinks, but the sheer hassle and hard work of pretending puts me off.
I do some stuff which makes me cringe afterwards - repeating myself because I don’t get the reaction I expect first time round (mostly joke things), is a particularly bad habit.
Sometimes (often) my brain seems to “freeze” if I’m criticised in even a minor way, or asked to do something or in any way put on the spot (at work).

Oh I know how you feel. I had hoped I would grow out of it also but if anything it’s gotten worse as a SAHM. Hoping to get back to work soon and maybe it will improve slightly. I’m especially bad in a group, anything more than one on one and I’m just a mess. So bad actually I’m pretty sure a passing acquaintance of ours thinks I fancy him, the way I acted last time I bumped into him, I cringe every time I see him now and he appears to be actively avoiding me. All I said was hello but I’m just such a shy person it was the way it came out. My MIL is near 90 and still quite shy, she gets very nervous in social settings!

You’re not alone.
I hate most attention and would freeze, mind go blank, swear, red face.
At work
Around family
In shops
Around friends
My birthday
My wedding

I don’t think it’s shyness, I thinks it’s anxiety.

Perhaps get in touch with GP about social anxiety that is stopping you from living you’re life.

@shylady75

I suppose I just wish I was a different person - one of those fun, charismatic, outgoing, hilarious people whose hundreds of friends hang on their every word.

Apologies ShyLady75, I misnamed you in a previous post, made you older than you are? Sorry about that. Re wishing you were a different person, you are probably being a bit light hearted here but it is really OK for you to be just the person you are. I don't think anyone has hundreds of friends, nobody is fun, charasmatic or hilarious all the time. Not even those who are paid for it. The lockdown period was an object lesson to me in how much I value aloneness. In that so many Tv programmes could only continue by distancing participants and just watching that made me so much more relaxed, eg Strictly Come Dancing. I know many people have embraced the going out and mixing again but that doesn't mean those who do not relish it are wrong in some way. Just different.

I bet you have many great qualities but don't let yourself appreciate them. Just opening this discussion has helped a lot of people communicate their feelings. Thanks.

I hope my post didn’t make you feel bad op (I said I used to be shy then copied a sociable person I know to make more friends). I never had a problem with blushing, sweating etc- that would have made it much more intense. I didn’t really feel any emotion. I just didn’t know how to behave to start or carry on conversation, there was no fear involved.

There are things that make my heart race, sweat, blush etc and those situations are much more difficult to control so you have my sympathy. All I can say is that people almost certainly DO like you and want to be around you. Forget comparing yourself to some imaginary made up social butterfly person. All the best people are a bit quiet sometimes.

Thanks everyone.

All I can say is that people almost certainly DO like you and want to be around you.

I really hope so but how can you know this? I truly think nobody likes me (apart from DH) and it makes me so sad.

For me it came down to the realisation that I had to change my inner dialogue.

After I get nervous in social situations and blush and freeze..I tend to find that I don’t get people calling me up telling me how shy I was and what a loser I am….and how I’m not achieving in life and not normal…and how I shouldn’t show up to the party cause I look crap today etc

What I do get is voices from my childhood trying to break in…the teacher who made me self conscious by saying I was too quiet and not living up to my potential because of it, the bullies who laughed at me….etc…

When I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone to achieve my goals in life what I try to do is give myself a pat on the back…well done for trying…it’s okay if you stumbled or blushed you’re doing a great job just showing up…

There’s no magic quick fix….the only way to get what you want is to be present and show up …since ‘quiet’ was one of the top business books and with all the focus on mental health and inclusiveness in the work place more and more people are recognising that being shy is just a normal part of the the human experience for many people.

My advice is to keep showing up to the party, stop aspiring to be something you aren’t and don’t use shyness as an excuse to hold you back.

I totally agree that you shouldn't comment on people's shyness. I remember as a child/teen people saying 'aren't you quiet, aren't you shy' and cringing inwardly. People do it to my daughter now and I get so fed up. You wouldn't say to a loud person 'aren't you loud' would you !!

I completely get this.
I don't know whether I'm shy, quiet or both but I definitely avoid social situations. When for example I'm walking the dog if I see someone I'll avoid speaking to them.
I go over conversations in my head thinking I should have said this or that.

DS is now at secondary school but when in junior school I used to dread going to pick him up as I'd see groups of other mums talking, I always felt like I didn't fit in.

I went to therapy for anxiety and we were placed into small groups for team exercises - even then I felt incredibly uncomfortable. I'm convinced other people think I'm quiet / stand offish / or just plain weird so I do my utmost to avoid such situations.

You're not alone OP!

There’s no magic quick fix….the only way to get what you want is to be present and show up …since ‘quiet’ was one of the top business books and with all the focus on mental health and inclusiveness in the work place more and more people are recognising that being shy is just a normal part of the the human experience for many people.

My advice is to keep showing up to the party, stop aspiring to be something you aren’t and don’t use shyness as an excuse to hold you back.

This

"truly think nobody likes me (apart from DH) and it makes me so sad."

The above is a cognitive distortion. Your mind is playing this thought to you like a radio. This thought makes you behave a certain way and then draw conclusions from interactions that make this thought seem true. Because your brain wants you to believe the stuff it tells you, to keep you safe. Thoughts like that protect you from rejection, because you can bask in the 'certainty' of 'people don't like me'.
Rather than enter into relating situations where you have to take a risk on the uncertainty of feeling approved of or not.
Thats intolerable for you at the moment because of these thoughts.
If you are in a low mood, more of those flavour of thoughts are churned out by your brain. But they are not what you 'are' as a person.

“A bit of CBT”

This is telling: what was the nature of your CBT? How long did it last? What model did you and the therapist use? Were they appropriately qualified and registered? Which tools and techniques did you learn, and how long did you continue to put them into practice?

A ‘bit’ of CBT isn’t going to do anything, and it’s a misnomer anyway: a proper course of CBT for social anxiety takes 12-15 hour long, weekly sessions, this is available on the NHS where I am (South Yorkshire). Sounds like you maybe had something different?

‘ "truly think nobody likes me (apart from DH) and it makes me so sad’

Think ‘green’ thoughts that’s a ‘red’ thought. I bet many people like you very much. My mother thought that, I remember she used to think people didn’t like her, she was a fiesty lady, but she had a very tough life and had her own internal battle going on. many people came to her funeral to pay their respects to her, people I know she thought couldn’t stand her. The thing is, we all have so much going on in our lives, juggling work and families and anything else that gets thrown at us, I dunno, it’s easy I think to get that idea that they might not like you, they may be just busy in their own minds with everyday life stuff. I try to remind myself of this when I feel as you do, doesn’t always help but still worth a shot.

@shylady75 because you don't come across as unlikeable and to be honest very few people are actually unlikeable. You sound like a friend of mine, she never seems to realise people actually like her and she sometimes tries to overcompensate. If you aren't a massive social butterfly it's totally fine. Also if I had a friend who had a phobia of talking to people I wouldn't like them any less for it.

It used to ruin my life, being a very shy child, others didn't understand me, I was bullied and shunned, didn't have many friends. Now in my 40s I've accepted that I'm happy with who I am and being shy isn't something bad or wrong to be ashamed about, it's says more about those who don't know me or understand me, I know that I can seem cold and detached to people that don't know me well but if I'm around the same people long enough then they come to know I'm actually a warm friendly person, it just takes a while to see that side of me.

@shylady75

And I’m sorry if I sound snippy in my previous post, but it’s so hard hearing people think that this can be magically cured by a bit of CBT or stepping off a train and resolving to be a different person. I’ve struggled so much with it my whole life and believe me, I’ve tried nearly everything. I’m exhausted and feel life is not worth living sometimes because of it. I just want to have friends and for people to like me. I’m a kind and caring person, I honestly am - but I’m also very boring, inarticulate and not fun to spend time with.

Have you ever tried an antidepressant like Sertraline? Would you be willing to give it a go?

You have had some really amazing advice on here op. One of the best I have read for a long time.

It makes sense now that the thoughts are the problem, not your likeability or your shyness.

but I’m also very boring, inarticulate and not fun to spend time with

I am struck by how unkind you are about yourselves on this thread, over and over the same unkindness. This one above being an example. How can you expect anyone else to like you if you do not like you? It starts and finishes with valuing yourself, your qualities and knowing you are a decent human being. That it is not necessary to be a social butterfly or to be terribly eloquent, you are lovely and perfect just the way you are.It is a cliche I know, but it is true. I am far from perfect, but I don't care I know I am okay and an asset to the world. Why do you feel people inherently don't like you? Lots of people don't like me, but that doesn't make me unlikeable, it is just not a good fit friendship wise. I don't take it personally. Lots of people don't appeal to me, nothing wrong with them we just like different things.

A serious lack of self esteem seem to be at the root of many posters here.

For me it came down to the realisation that I had to change my inner dialogue.

This - I still slip up but walking into a room of people I have to drown out the I'm really shit at this voice and think of all the times I've done it and it went well - or very least I got through. I picked it up from self help books that suggested I needed to become my own cheerleader.

I've also since becoming an adult had more examples of how to talk to people around me that you do start to pick up and also how to brush off the rude people that are inevitable encountered.