Making 14 yr old go on a family trip

[bridgetjonesmassivepants]

I think I am right in doing this but here goes...

14 year old, his 12 yr old sister and me, all going to a nearish town to do lots of activities. Staying overnight so a day and half in total. Doing climbing, laser quest, fun fair, swim centre etc - lots of fun stuff. Having dinner out. Last blow out before they return to school next week.

14 yr old doesn't want to go, wants to stay at home and get his Grandad to come over and look after him (would be by himself for over 12 hours otherwise) says he hates busy places as there are too many people. (Not Covid related - just doesn't like crowds).

My view is that it is a day and a half, there are lots of fun activities that he will enjoy, even if he doesn't it is not a long period of time. He should also be grateful that he is given the opportunity to do so much stuff!

Yes - he should go and try to enjoy it.
No - I am being unnecessarily cruel in forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do.

YABU in my view. No use saying he should be grateful if he doesn’t actually want to do it (and presumably didn’t ask for it). He’s sorted an alternative plan- go and have a nice time with your dd.

I did this with my same age DCs a couple of weeks ago. 14 year old also doesn't like crowds (is awaiting an ASD assessment).

She did come but I had to accept that fact that she joined in for half and I left her in the room when she had had enough. It worked our well even though she didn't join in with everything and it wasn't 'perfect'. It's hard isn't it because with some things you know they will end up enjoying it anyway but it's getting them over the line.

Could you broker some deal with him whereby he comes but doesn't have to join him with everything if he needs some downtime?

Depends if you want to drag an annoyed and resentful 14 year old around with you. You can force him to go, you can’t force him to join in or enjoy himself.

It’s those teenage years, when they want a bit of autonomy

Let him have a nice chilled time at home with Granddad.

Fwiw my 14 yr old DD would happily come away for a day with me but would be totally burned out by that many activities.

YABU to frame something as a fun and positive day out when he doesn't want to go and is clearly anxious about crowds. Instead of making him go on the trip, I'd let him stay with his grandad, but under the promise that he agrees to see the GP about the anxiety.

Tbh by 14 people are old enough to know what they do or don't want to do.

If he genuinely doesn't like crowds I wouldn't force him to go. Your idea of a good time would have been my idea of hell at 14 and now at 50.

Also, that’s just the age when they’d rather die than be seen by any of his peers in public with his mum and 12 year old sister.

Leave him at home with his grandfather. He’s old enough to know what he wants to do. If he regrets his decision then that’s on him.

If DS is neurotypical YANBU.

If he's autistic or anything like that, YABVU.

If it is not fun for him and he wouldn't enjoy it why would you even think about dragging him along?

You are being unreasonable and very selfish. He's 14, he should be able to stay on his own overnight at that age, no need for granddad. As a 14 year old, he should have a say in what he does. You're being unfair and very selfish. At 14 he should have a choice. Let him be. Do you actually want him to be miserable, to prove a point?! He's 14!! Not 4.

Neurotypical, not anxious, just doesn't like other people very much!

Already refused to go on another, longer break. (Which was fantastic!) Spent the annual holiday saying how much he wanted to go home.

DH thinks son should go but then again he won't have to deal with him!

Depends... does he want to spend his time at home sitting down playing wall to wall Xbox? If so then I think it's a good thing to insist they leave the house, get some fresh air, move about.

I've seen several threads like this over the years, there was even a memorable one about a 14 year old boy who didn't want to go with his parents to a holiday for a week. The mother was told in no uncertain terms how selfish, unreasonable and unfair she was. OP these threads always rule in the teenager's favour. Because he is a TEENAGER. Not a child. And has rights and should have the RIGHT to say no. Allow him his personal boundaries and his right of choice, unless you want him to be miserable and risk ruining your relationship with him.

Leave him at home, he’s old enough to make a choice.

I’m going against the grain here but I’d make him go. Doing things we don’t want to do but that will benefit the greater group is just part of life. And he probably will enjoy some of it! I went on loads of trips with my parents at that age. I’m sure I didn’t enjoy them all but I did go.
What’s he going to do at home all day? Be on screens?

Whats the point in forcing him to go when he doesn't want to and his mood will spoil it for others. If it'd prebooked and paid for then why not let your daughter take a friend .

PS he shouldn't be 'grateful' that you want to force activities on him that he doesn't want to do. You are doing this for yourself, not for him. Who do you think you are suggesting he should be 'grateful' for you inflicting your choices on him?

I stopped taking mine if they didn't want from year 8 onwards.

Would be in bed till at least midday if I'm not there to get him up and then would be on XBox constantly. (I'm fine with gaming, he communicates with his friends, but he has had a lot of gaming over the summer)

It’s a really tough one, isn’t it. My DS is a preteen who has limited social stamina - he couldn’t handle that kind of intensity because he simply doesn’t want to be around people without a break! He needs time alone to recharge.
Our school holiday compromise is that he joins us in our adventures in the morning but we leave him be in the afternoon. However, by the time he’s 14 this strategy may not still work

It doesn't matter if he is in bed til midday and then gaming. He is a teenager, and it's his choice how he spends that time. He is not a child, he is a teenager.

@bridgetjonesmassivepants

Would be in bed till at least midday if I'm not there to get him up and then would be on XBox constantly. (I'm fine with gaming, he communicates with his friends, but he has had a lot of gaming over the summer)

Just leVe him there then. When I go out mine get up at about 3pm and I get in about 6 so they've barely noticed I've gone lol

Let him stay at home. What's the point in him going if he's going to be miserable and probably create an atmosphere too.