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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Making 14 yr old go on a family trip

180 replies

bridgetjonesmassivepants · 01/09/2021 16:15

I think I am right in doing this but here goes...

14 year old, his 12 yr old sister and me, all going to a nearish town to do lots of activities. Staying overnight so a day and half in total. Doing climbing, laser quest, fun fair, swim centre etc - lots of fun stuff. Having dinner out. Last blow out before they return to school next week.

14 yr old doesn't want to go, wants to stay at home and get his Grandad to come over and look after him (would be by himself for over 12 hours otherwise) says he hates busy places as there are too many people. (Not Covid related - just doesn't like crowds).

My view is that it is a day and a half, there are lots of fun activities that he will enjoy, even if he doesn't it is not a long period of time. He should also be grateful that he is given the opportunity to do so much stuff!

Yes - he should go and try to enjoy it.
No - I am being unnecessarily cruel in forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do.

OP posts:
TwoLeftElbows · 01/09/2021 18:02

Easy to be wise after the event but for next time I would involve him much earlier in the planning. The idea of a packed "blow out" where they have no say would send mine running for the hills, but we can get buy-in and find nice days out with lots of prep and planning.

I think he's pushing back against being treated like a younger child.

Topseyt · 01/09/2021 18:02

@meanbeany I was like that too when I was a teenager. I still am.

My parents were not very into going out all the time either, so they and I clicked on that. My younger sister was different though. Liked to pack in just about everything possible and would then wonder what she had missed. Looking back, I can't help wondering how frustrating she may have found the rest of us. 🤣

Original poster
bridgetjonesmassivepants · 01/09/2021 18:10

Have told son that if he really doesn't like the trip then this is the last one that he has to do. Will let him make the choice in the future especially as when we go again, he will be nearly 15. He seemed to appreciate that.

As to all the activities, I think I might have gone a bit apres Covid mad. We live in the middle of nowhere so the chance to do so much is not to be sniffed at! Younger child loves it all though - did something similar a few months ago and she loved it.

We never did anything as a family growing up - I know I'm projecting but I would have loved all these activities.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 01/09/2021 18:42

Sorry OP , I got distracted at the point where @FreddyKreugersWife said it was ok to leave a 14 year old on their own for the weekend.

I don't think there's a perfect answer for this situation and if you think he'd enjoy at least one of the activities, then bring him along. However from having my own teen DS having a bit of autonomy is so important to him, so I think your idea of letting him sit out the things he might not want to do - is staying at the hotel/accommodation an option? - is a good one.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 01/09/2021 18:43

@DGFB

I’m going against the grain here but I’d make him go. Doing things we don’t want to do but that will benefit the greater group is just part of life. And he probably will enjoy some of it! I went on loads of trips with my parents at that age. I’m sure I didn’t enjoy them all but I did go. What’s he going to do at home all day? Be on screens?
I disagree. I hate all this 'teach them a life lesson' crap.

He is 14. He is old enough to choose what he wants to do. What 14yo wants to do laserquest with their mum and younger sibling?

A life lesson on mn is that as an adult 'no is a complete sentence', 'its an invite not a summons' etc.

I think imposing your wants on a 14yo, when, as an adult, you have the opportunity to say no to things that you don't want to do, is a bit tight really.

rookiemere · 01/09/2021 18:44

Oh sorry I see your remark about the hotel room. I certainly wouldn't leave a 14 year old unaccompanied for a weekend, but I would consider it fine to leave him alone in a hotel room for a few hours - also if your DS is like mine, he'd really enjoy this.

PersonaNonGarter · 01/09/2021 18:44

Your son does too much gaming and it affects his ability to enjoy RL things. The crowds is partly and excuse and partly a result of the gaming.

seaandsandcastles · 01/09/2021 18:51

Of course he comes. It’s a family day out, he’s part of the family. He doesn’t get the option.

Plumtree391 · 01/09/2021 19:00

No point making him do something he doesn't want to do, which isn't essential. It may seem like 'fun' to you but a lot of 14 year olds wouldn't want their parents to be taking them to stuff like that.

Peanutsandchilli · 01/09/2021 19:03

A 14 year old that doesn't want to go will be bloody miserable. If his grandad is happy to care for him then I'd leave them to it.

sandragreen · 01/09/2021 19:10

I can't understand why anyone would want to go on holiday with someone who didn't want to be there Confused

Poor sod.

Ragwort · 01/09/2021 19:18

I am over 60 but I can remember stopping 'family' days out when I was about 12 ... and never went on a family holiday again.* Teenagers hate being cooped up with DPs doing what the DPs consider 'exciting activities' & it is not much fun. Honestly, let him chill out with his DGF ... if you do 'insist' on him coming with you he will be grumpy and miserable.

*I went on to have a great relationship with my DPs after the stroppy 'teenager years'. My DM (now 88 Grin) are planning a spa break away !

DameAlyson · 01/09/2021 19:24

We see a lot of posts here about teenagers who don't want to join in family activities and want to spend all their time in their rooms. The consensus always seems to be to leave them to it.

I wonder how many boys who are allowed to opt out of family life in their teens will grow up to be the men we so often read about here, who spend all their time gaming instead of interacting with their wives and children or contributing to running the household.

ThinWomansBrain · 01/09/2021 19:25

why force it if he's clear that he doesn't want to go - AND suggested an alternate plan?
If he isn't going to enjoy it, it's bound to put a downer on the day - take the younger one, have fun and enjoy 1:1 time.
If there's an opportunity another time, do something with 14yo, or get him a gift - or maybe organise a takeaway delivery for him and your Father.

Planty13 · 01/09/2021 19:26

Personally I’d drag him along assuming he’s had his fair share of lazy days over the holidays

CatsArePeople · 01/09/2021 19:41

YANBU to make him go, YABU to expect him to be happy about it.

user1471474462 · 01/09/2021 20:01

I genuinely think pandering in this way isn’t helpful, I think it’s okay to have reasonable expectations on our children. Teens spend enough time online/with friends they don’t need more time away from the family surely?

Research shows time offline is important, so whilst they might not want to, it’s in their best interests.

OhDearMuriel · 01/09/2021 20:18

YANBU
It’s so easy to just stay in and play games/be on phones or whatever.

He/she needs to make an effort and make some lovely family memories.

I’m sure they’ll love it once they’ve actually been and will thank you in the end.

Plumtree391 · 01/09/2021 21:05

You've offered, he doesn't want to go, end of. He is 14, not four. You cannot make him go and he certainly shouldn't have to feel grateful. When he is back at school he'll be out again.

Jangle33 · 01/09/2021 22:02

He’s 14, still young. Sounds like a lovely trip and he’s lucky you have the funds to take him. You can always lose a few activities if you think too much! Very important teens have family time and can’t “opt out”

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/09/2021 22:04

Does he have any say in holidays and days out? I’d hate certain places as an adult and wouldn’t expect DH to make me do them.

stripedbananas · 02/09/2021 02:43

He doesn't want to go

ProfessorSillyStuff · 02/09/2021 03:31

I agree with previous posters that said he's gaming too much and it's affecting his ability to enjoy real life and this is just so he can stay at home and game. Being involved in family life isn't optional in my home, whether it's celebrations, commiserations, days out, chores or big decisions, everyone has their say and part to play.

Oceanbliss · 02/09/2021 04:24

@bridgetjonesmassivepants I can’t offer any advice as I haven’t got to the teenage years with dd. However, I hope you all have a wonderful family trip together and that your 14 year old ends up enjoying himself.

I think family activities are important and I look back fondly on memories of family bonding experiences as I’ve gotten older. I might not have appreciated those experiences as much when I was a teenager, but I do now.

Have fun creating family memories for the future Smile

icedcoffees · 02/09/2021 04:39

I think you're going to regret forcing it and will resent him sitting there on his phone with a face like a slapped arse Wink

What you described as a fun two days is some people's idea of utter hell.

Please don't force it. Let him the spend the last few days of his holiday how he wants.