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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Making 14 yr old go on a family trip

180 replies

bridgetjonesmassivepants · 01/09/2021 16:15

I think I am right in doing this but here goes...

14 year old, his 12 yr old sister and me, all going to a nearish town to do lots of activities. Staying overnight so a day and half in total. Doing climbing, laser quest, fun fair, swim centre etc - lots of fun stuff. Having dinner out. Last blow out before they return to school next week.

14 yr old doesn't want to go, wants to stay at home and get his Grandad to come over and look after him (would be by himself for over 12 hours otherwise) says he hates busy places as there are too many people. (Not Covid related - just doesn't like crowds).

My view is that it is a day and a half, there are lots of fun activities that he will enjoy, even if he doesn't it is not a long period of time. He should also be grateful that he is given the opportunity to do so much stuff!

Yes - he should go and try to enjoy it.
No - I am being unnecessarily cruel in forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do.

OP posts:
crumpet · 02/09/2021 04:45

Mine wouldn’t have had the option to say no at that age. Possibly the option to miss one or two of the activities, depending on the situation, but otherwise would be expected to suck it up and join in.

Balonzette · 02/09/2021 04:47

I think YABU. If he says he won't find it fun, he's old enough that you need to respect that. If he finds busy places distressing then it's unfair to force it on him when he's clearly said he doesn't want to attend.

Hothammock · 02/09/2021 05:19

You are right to make him go.
If you had said he wants to stay home to finish his amazing 3 d model of a pirate ship or to tackle an enormous Lego set or something else related to the real world I would have more sympathy.
But no, he will be in bed and then on the xbox. You are a good parent not to give into the drug that is computer games and get your kids out into the real world.

icedcoffees · 02/09/2021 05:33

@Hothammock

You are right to make him go. If you had said he wants to stay home to finish his amazing 3 d model of a pirate ship or to tackle an enormous Lego set or something else related to the real world I would have more sympathy. But no, he will be in bed and then on the xbox. You are a good parent not to give into the drug that is computer games and get your kids out into the real world.
But OP has also said she's happy for him to sit out half the activities and sit on his phone anyway Confused

So she may as well leave him at home a s save herself the money and the stress.

Kokeshi123 · 02/09/2021 06:09

Computer games are designed to be addictive.
I'm amazed at how OK people on here are about kids being on screens all day.

izzybobsmum · 02/09/2021 06:19

I wouldn’t make him go. I got dragged around loads as a teen and often then berated for not enjoying myself! I always resented my parents for not allowing me to make my own decision. It was demeaning.

NewlyGranny · 02/09/2021 06:28

I'm on the fence here, OP. He's gaming way too much and some real life activity would be good for him and build great memories for all of you, but if he's going to be surly and glued to a screen all the time, the memories might not be so great!

You haven't said much about Granddad; is he keen or would it be an imposition? If the two of them get on, why not let them build some memories?

I'd be inclined to tell DS that if he stays at home, he gets to spend quality time with Granddad and no devices or screen time. If he chooses to come with, I'd give him a daily limit so he isn't gaming all night and sleeping half the day. That behaviour needs addressing whatever you and he decide.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 02/09/2021 07:41

He's a 14 year old child. He doesn't get to choose. Make him go.

rookiemere · 02/09/2021 07:59

With our teen he's ok to do things in short bursts but needs somewhere to retreat to after a few hours. I think that's a reasonable compromise.

LBirch02 · 02/09/2021 08:04

When I was your sons age I didn’t want to go on a trip abroad - when I expressed this to my mum she shouted abuse at me like a bitchy immature 14 yr old schoolgirl. For context my mum was emotionally immature I believe narcissistic. I ended up going on the holiday hating it and would count the days to come home . On this basis I would just enjoy your time with DD, let your 14 yo stay with grandfather and then maybe do something with him he may want to do further down the line

vivainsomnia · 02/09/2021 08:11

From my own experience with DS, I would definitely make him go. I regret not having been more insistent with my DS when he was that age because for one, when I did insist and he made a big fuss about it, he did have more fun than he expected AND he now relates these moment with fondness. They somehow made for good memories and all the reasons why he didn't want to go have been forgotten.

Also because it sets precedence and encourage teens to just stay in their room and become insular, missing up on life experiences AND learning to cope with anxiety triggers, that they will ultimately have to face in life, but doing so in a pleasant, more distracting environment with family.

It's a short time, he should be able to cope with it even if he really doesn't like it.

OnlyFantastic · 02/09/2021 08:13

Your mention of being able to sit on his phone during some activities - and during dinner - sounds as though he's just a typical teen who's being lazy and would rather sit in a darkened room staring at a screen.

My eldest is 13. Personally, attendance at family activities isn't an option I give him. I don't drag him to things I know he'd dislike BTW - but there are activities I know he enjoys but would turn down through sheer laziness, which I hope is just a stage he'll grow out of!

He has an awful lot of freedom with gaming, very few arbitrary limits. But we've talked about its addictive nature before and he's aware that the second he starts turning down real life opportunities (that he knows he'd enjoy and/or benefit from) in favour of gaming, he'll be on a month long 'detox' ban - something I carried out one before.

And hell would have to freeze over before I let him sit on his phone during a meal out!

To be honest I think you need to scale back his screen time. At 14 he should be able to wait out an hours long activity without needing constant screen stimulation. The brain needs downtime and time to be bored.

hedgehogger1 · 02/09/2021 08:14

I'm going against the majority and say make him go. I've come across too many teenage boys who's lives are school, bed, computer games. It's not healthy and becomes a pattern that's impossible to break

Plumtree391 · 02/09/2021 08:15

@CinnamonJellyBeans

He's a 14 year old child. He doesn't get to choose. Make him go.
Can you really force a 14 year old to go away for a day and night? I honestly don't know, have never tried.

I know I wouldn't have gone on something like that with parents at 14 and they could hardly pick me up and put me in the boot of the car. I would have just said, "No", in advance and refused to discuss it further. If I had refused to go to school, I know there were and are measures to make it happen but surely not a trip away somewhere, or a visit.

Holothane · 02/09/2021 08:16

I had no choice I was either taken or dumped on cousin and wife, as I got older that was more fun could watch decent films, they got Who Dares Wins out on video I was thrilled.

OnlyFantastic · 02/09/2021 08:18

You've offered, he doesn't want to go, end of. He is 14, not four. You cannot make him go

Ha! No wonder some kids run wild.

I'd say he's 14, not 24. He's a child and can be 'made' to do a number of things, for his own good. It's called parenting, not being their best mate.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 02/09/2021 08:18

A lot of the activities sound fun... with friends. Less cool with mum and kid sister.

Enforced fun can be hell.

SeasonFinale · 02/09/2021 08:19

I would let him stay home and without the need for a grandfather to "babysit" him.

He is after all 14 and can survive 12 hours alone especially when you say he will be in bed until lunchtime.

OnlyFantastic · 02/09/2021 08:22

I know I wouldn't have gone on something like that with parents at 14 and they could hardly pick me up and put me in the boot of the car. I would have just said, "No", in advance and refused to discuss it further

These replies are tickling me.

Refuse to discuss it further?!? At 14?

Give over. If your parents accepted that type of bollocks from a child that reflects on their ineffectual parenting skills and nothing else.

bathsh3ba · 02/09/2021 08:24

Confused as to why being 'A Teenager' suddenly gives you, in MN eyes, a bunch of rights you didn't have before. 14 is still a child. A child who should be learning independence and gradually being given autonomy but still a child. And before a child is ready for autonomy, they have to understand give and take and that the world does not revolve around them. Something most 14 year olds absolutely do not get, so there has to be a balance.

I probably wouldn't make him come, I would decide it's not worth the battle. As long as the grandad is okay with it. But this idea that because he is 'A Teenager' he gets to choose everything about what he does and doesn't do is a new one on me.

BrisbaneandGone · 02/09/2021 08:27

The only thing that matters is he doesn't want to go so he shouldn't be forced. If granddad's OK with staying with them then let him stay at home and do what he wants to do

rookiemere · 02/09/2021 08:28

But teens often moan about stuff they subsequently enjoy. I know ours does.

icedcoffees · 02/09/2021 08:31

@CinnamonJellyBeans

He's a 14 year old child. He doesn't get to choose. Make him go.
Why don't you think a 14 year old should have a choice?
Amboseli · 02/09/2021 08:31

I wouldn't force him. What you're planning sounds like way too much stuff crammed into a very short space of time. I'd hate it and sounds like your DS would too.

PileOfBooks · 02/09/2021 08:32

Wow thats FOUR activities in one day!! And a meal out. I don't think anyone in our family would manage that. I can unserstand that freling very busy and overwhelming- especially if that isn't your usual.
It's one thing to go out and join in with one activity but 4 I can understand making him not want to come.

Id say he doesnt have to and suggest next time he helps choose what you do.