Making 14 yr old go on a family trip

[bridgetjonesmassivepants]

I think I am right in doing this but here goes...

14 year old, his 12 yr old sister and me, all going to a nearish town to do lots of activities. Staying overnight so a day and half in total. Doing climbing, laser quest, fun fair, swim centre etc - lots of fun stuff. Having dinner out. Last blow out before they return to school next week.

14 yr old doesn't want to go, wants to stay at home and get his Grandad to come over and look after him (would be by himself for over 12 hours otherwise) says he hates busy places as there are too many people. (Not Covid related - just doesn't like crowds).

My view is that it is a day and a half, there are lots of fun activities that he will enjoy, even if he doesn't it is not a long period of time. He should also be grateful that he is given the opportunity to do so much stuff!

Yes - he should go and try to enjoy it.
No - I am being unnecessarily cruel in forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do.

You and him clearly have very different ideas about a good time.
I would leave him be.
Soon he will have the joys of being in a very controlled school environment, zero privacy, being told when he can eat,.use the toilet etc.
Let him enjoy his freedom, and allow him his own choices.

I wouldn't make him go as he will be miserable if you make him go. What is fun for some people isn't fun for others. When i was 14 i would have my head in a book and i am exactly the same now. Yes i do like going out but i would never cram so many activities into a short space of time as i would feel rushed and i wouldn't enjoy myself.

I am thinking, OP, that you sound a little, what do you English say, "Jolly Hockey Sticks" about this fun fest you have planned??

@Macncheeseballs

Fecking hell kids start saying no as soon as they can speak, and we're meant to respect every one of those no's?

That's not what anyone has said at all.

They're saying that at 14, he's more than capable of deciding that he wants to stay home with granddad instead of going out with his mum and little sister for the weekend.

And that as it won't harm him to do so, why get in a fight over it end make him do something he'll resent you for?

It's his last weekend before schools go back - if he wants to spend it hanging out with granddad and playing video games then why not?

@Furrydog7

I wouldn't make him go as he will be miserable if you make him go. What is fun for some people isn't fun for others. When i was 14 i would have my head in a book and i am exactly the same now. Yes i do like going out but i would never cram so many activities into a short space of time as i would feel rushed and i wouldn't enjoy myself.

I must admit I viewed the op's short break away with horror but I know some people like that sort of thing. It could be a nightmare for the boy, though. He is well within his rights to refuse to go.

@Iamthewombat

I didn't get that he would be 'skulking' while playing X box. I daresay he would engage a bit with his grandfather too, and eat.

Yeah, I expect that he will be sitting at his grandfather’s feet, sharing his Werthers Originals, suffused in a golden glow whilst he listens to the old man’s tales of his youth and learn some valuable life lessons. Yes, that will definitely happen.

The OP is hardly sending her son down a coal mine.

But why does it matter what the activity is?

Because the OP is not expecting her son to do anything that would be considered cruel or unreasonable for a child, of course. All the hand wringing on here about “forcing him to do something he doesn’t like”, as if he were ing forced to do something terrible!

He's 14 and doesn't want to go. It's not necessary that he goes - and if he does get dragged along and sulks/huffs, everyone will end up in a bad mood and nobody will have a good time.

Then it will do him good to learn that it’s not appropriate to sulk and huff because you don’t like the treat your mum has arranged for you. As PPs have pointed out, part of growing up is realising that sometimes you have to think about other people and that the world doesn’t revolve around your wants and wishes.

I’m also inclined to think that he’s gaming too much and that a break from screens would be a good thing. The OP is being a good parent.

@Iamthewombat Because the OP is not expecting her son to do anything that would be considered cruel or unreasonable for a child, of course. All the hand wringing on here about “forcing him to do something he doesn’t like”, as if he were ing forced to do something terrible!

Whether it is terrible or not is totally irrelevant. It is something he.doesn't.want..to..do! How would you like to be forced to do something that while not terrible, is not something you fancy doing? It not being 'terrible' doesn't justify it and is irrelevant.

Then it will do him good to learn that it’s not appropriate to sulk and huff because you don’t like the treat your mum has arranged for you.

Excuse me?!? 'Treat'? Do you understand the meaning of that word? It is not a 'treat' if he DOESN'T WANT TO DO IT! It's a treat for the mum, not a treat for him.

As PPs have pointed out, part of growing up is realising that sometimes you have to think about other people and that the world doesn’t revolve around your wants and wishes.

Does that also go for the selfish mum who is putting HER wants and wishes above her own son?

@Iamthewombat

Part of growing up is also learning to find to your voice and saying "no" to things you don't want to do.

We’ll see how well that serves him at school and particularly at work. @MrsSchadenfreude described being on the receiving end of this sort of ‘tude upthread.

Saying no to things that aren’t good for you - underage drinking, drugs, coercion into behaving badly - is absolutely a good skill to learn, but attempting to apply that to a couple of days away with your mum and sister is just silly. Particularly when anyone who knows boys aged 8-18 is well aware that theatrics of this type are all about “why can’t I play on my X box or PS4 24 hours a day?”

@Iamthewombat What is silly is desperately reaching to drinking and drugs as if the ONLY right a 14 year old teenage boy has is the right to say no to bad things. Resorting to such dramatics is silly and ridiculous.

And I think the attitude MrsSchadenfreude described sounds more like the attitude of entitled and selfish mums. Perhaps those people described had mums like the OP hence the attitude. A 14 year old teenage boy that is given a say and allowed to spend his holidays how he wants without being coerced into silly activities he doesn't want to do and his wishes are respected is more likely to be a stable, well adjusted adult.

@stepupandbecounted

I would say also that a friend of mine micromanages her teen dd like this and it is causing so much resentment and seems to be really damaging their relationship resulting in rudeness, real anger and back lash.

It is better to let them have some freedom to decide where possible or compromise.

👍 Exactly! It can be seen in the people MrsSchadenfraude described. It can really mess a teenager and then adult up, not having your voice and wishes respected. It leads to angry teenagers who then start acting out.

I agree with the poster who says about all the adult gaming men who were once teenage boys doing this. The more time he spends isolated from people gaming and looking at screens the more he will dislike being around people, its unhealthy. He might well enjoy it once he's there and away from the Xbox.

@MaMelon

With teenagers it’s definitely a case of pick your battles.

I remember being forced to go hillwalking with my family and hating it. Up early, into the car and away for the day - I cannot tell you how angry and powerless this used to make me feel. I was supposed to respect my parents wishes - but they had zero respect for mine. It put me off hillwalking for a long time and the family trips were miserable because my sister and I didn’t want to be there and my dad spent the whole time not speaking to us because we were making his beloved walks unpleasant. Yeah - no shit, Sherlock. When I did rediscover walking it was on my terms and so far more enjoyable. Oh - I manage perfectly well in the workplace.

👍 And sorry you had to go through that. It's definitely a case of self-absorbed parents putting themselves first and not thinking of anyone else but themselves. Part of being a parent is to be selfless and consider the needs and wants of your children first. To be a parent means you must be unselfish. Unfortunately as we see, many parents will happily put themselves before their children.

@Mermaidwaves

I agree with the poster who says about all the adult gaming men who were once teenage boys doing this. The more time he spends isolated from people gaming and looking at screens the more he will dislike being around people, its unhealthy. He might well enjoy it once he's there and away from the Xbox.

Nonsense! I know plenty of young men who gamed as teenagers and outgrew that phase. When I was a teenager the equivalent was reading or lying in a darkened room listening to some indie band and studiously ignoring our parents - the vast majority of us emerged like butterflies from a chrysalis, unscathed by the experience with good relationships with our parents who simply rolled their eyes at us and let us be.

Honest to god, the hyperbole and histrionics on MN as posters tie themselves up in knots imagining worst case scenarios is hilarious at times.

I hardly think trying to organise a nice night away for your DCs is micromanaging them . Teens are neither children nor adults and as such treating them somewhere in the middle makes sense, definitely not leaving a 14 year old overnight on his own.

The OP already reached a very reasonable compromise with her DS yesterday or possibly the day before that, it's very easy to see OP posts only using the filter funnel.

If DS only did the things he wanted to we would only see him at outings to his favourite expensive steak house and when giving him lifts home. It's an overnight trip, not a gulag camp and DS is being allowed to sit out the activities he doesn't want to do.

The only thing I'd do differently is let him have a lie in at the hotel in the morning as he's not participating in the first thing, but OP isn't comfortable leaving him at the hotel on his own.

Yeah we read books and listened to Alanis Morrissette as teens but essentially same thing!

You need to find stuff he enjoys not three line whip him into stuff you want to do. We have two teens and when we listen to them and do what they want we have had some brilliant times. You can’t force people to “have fun” on your terms.

Dh took the day off work and went vintage clothes shopping with them our for ice cream then they all watched Love Island. Not the choice of a 45 year old sporty man for his spare time but they all loved it!

And sorry you had to go through that.  It's definitely a case of self-absorbed parents putting themselves first and not thinking of anyone else but themselves. Part of being a parent is to be selfless and consider the needs and wants of your children first. To be a parent means you must be unselfish. Unfortunately as we see, many parents will happily put themselves before their children.

I mean I actually laughed out loud at this. I understand a bit of give and take about activities but JFC, parents coming up with activities they feel will be good for their kids is hardly the selfish act of the century. The line of thinking is so incredibly precious.

@MsTSwift

Yeah we read books and listened to Alanis Morrissette as teens but essentially same thing!

You need to find stuff he enjoys not three line whip him into stuff you want to do. We have two teens and when we listen to them and do what they want we have had some brilliant times. You can’t force people to “have fun” on your terms.

Dh took the day off work and went vintage clothes shopping with them our for ice cream then they all watched Love Island. Not the choice of a 45 year old sporty man for his spare time but they all loved it!

YY to this!

@aSofaNearYou

And sorry you had to go through that.  It's definitely a case of self-absorbed parents putting themselves first and not thinking of anyone else but themselves. Part of being a parent is to be selfless and consider the needs and wants of your children first. To be a parent means you must be unselfish. Unfortunately as we see, many parents will happily put themselves before their children.

I mean I actually laughed out loud at this. I understand a bit of give and take about activities but JFC, parents coming up with activities they feel will be good for their kids is hardly the selfish act of the century. The line of thinking is so incredibly precious.

It is selfish if your son won't enjoy and they had no input at all in the decision about the activities.

mamelon
It's not nonsense at all, you see endless threads on here about useless men ignoring their families so they can game or similar, no doubt they were overindulged as teens, it's hardly hyperbole, histrionics or 'tying oneself in knots' to point that out, what an overreaction.

Yes, plenty of useless men who do similar. To claim that because they gamed, or cycled, or fished, or played golf, or read, or listened to music or whatever more solitary hobby they had as teenagers means they were over-indulged and will grow up isolated from people and become rubbish husbands or partners is a ridiculous over-reaction.

It is selfish if your son won't enjoy and they had no input at all in the decision about the activities.

Repeatedly forcing them to do something they don't want to do because you enjoy it is selfish. But occasionally organising something that would be good for them, for their sake, is not. It is obviously well intentioned and motivated by the child, even if it misses the mark or if the child can't be arsed.

@Mermaidwaves

You also see endless threads about useless men who want to spend their weekend cycling, playing football or cricket or any other activities that parents made them do as youngsters so they wouldn't be gaming, they would be outside.

My nearly 14 year old is like this. He insists he doesn't want to come but if I don't take him he'll sit with his head in a book all day instead.
I take him with us and he admits he's glad he came.

I think there are times when it is appropriate to 'drag' a reluctant teenager to do things - visiting an elderly relative who gets a lot of pleasure out of seeing their grandkids and won't be around for much longer, for instance. It is good to occasionally be put out for the benefit of others., otherwise you might turn out self-centered. (this assumes no abuse in the family, obv.)

However, this doesn't sound like one of those situations - OP and younger child will still have fun without him, nobody's about to die, the activities on offer sound like my (and many pp) idea of hell, and if you can't be a bedroom cave troll on xbox when you're 14, when can you?

Dragging him against his will will communicate that his preferences and wishes don't matter, and also that he's disappointed you by not being an extroverted crowd-lover.

Hello,

Well we are back from the trip and I did 'make' the 14 yr old come with us. (Amused by those who said their 14 yr old couldn't be 'made' to do stuff. It hasn't occurred to DS that he can absolutely say no yet. Also we have a good relationship so he does what I ask him to)

He enjoyed three out of the four activities and he was allowed to sit one activity out after giving it a go and deciding it wasn't for him. He also got an early night and was allowed to stay in the hotel room while I took the younger one to the fun fair after dinner.

We have agreed that any future trips will be planned together and he can opt out if he wants to as he will be nearly 15 when we go again.

Glad I 'made' him come. He got on well with younger sister and they enjoyed themselves (Most of the time!)

Also I don't know if my kids are unusual but they aren't embarrassed by me yet. Not even when I came first at Laser Quest and was rather too pleased about it!

Good for you OP! So he did enjoy it after all and you've agreed to make compromises for the future, no harm done.