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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Making 14 yr old go on a family trip

180 replies

bridgetjonesmassivepants · 01/09/2021 16:15

I think I am right in doing this but here goes...

14 year old, his 12 yr old sister and me, all going to a nearish town to do lots of activities. Staying overnight so a day and half in total. Doing climbing, laser quest, fun fair, swim centre etc - lots of fun stuff. Having dinner out. Last blow out before they return to school next week.

14 yr old doesn't want to go, wants to stay at home and get his Grandad to come over and look after him (would be by himself for over 12 hours otherwise) says he hates busy places as there are too many people. (Not Covid related - just doesn't like crowds).

My view is that it is a day and a half, there are lots of fun activities that he will enjoy, even if he doesn't it is not a long period of time. He should also be grateful that he is given the opportunity to do so much stuff!

Yes - he should go and try to enjoy it.
No - I am being unnecessarily cruel in forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do.

OP posts:
MaMelon · 02/09/2021 08:32

Leave him be - unless you take a friend with him and they do the activities while pretending they don’t know you.
Whilst it would be lovely if he was enthusiastic about the idea and wanted to spend time with you it’s likely he’ll look bored and you’ll probably have more fun with just the 12 year old. YABU - let him stay with his Grandad.

OnlyFantastic · 02/09/2021 08:34

Why don't you think a 14 year old should have a choice?

Maybe because he's a child?

My teen gets input on most things. Input.

Sometimes I overrule his request or his input and he doesn't get his way. Because he's a child and 14 year olds still need to be parented.

gogohm · 02/09/2021 08:34

My dd was like that, protested at every trip but she had a good time once there (wouldn't admit it of course) an looking back she has fond memories of these occasions. She has autism but needs to live in the world we have so I have always insisted she didn't hide away

Ajoh · 02/09/2021 08:41

Half unrelated but I think he will look back and treasure that time with his grandad in the future

Porcupineintherough · 02/09/2021 08:42

So basically all he wants to do is stay home and play xbox? Not much fun for grandad then.

Tell him he can go stay with grandad, no xbox, then see what he says.

Porcupineintherough · 02/09/2021 08:43

@Ajoh

Half unrelated but I think he will look back and treasure that time with his grandad in the future
That time when he doesn't see grandad because he's holed up in his bedroom?
PrincessNutella · 02/09/2021 08:45

Pretty sure a 14 year old knows if he'll like it or not.

LoulaJ · 02/09/2021 08:47

I felt overwhelmed just reading how much stuff is being packed into a day and a half, as others have said it sounds like a lot of stuff to cram in. I have a 15 yo and I wouldn't force this on her either, she mostly opts in and out of stuff we do as a family as she often wants to spend time with mates instead or just chill at home etc. I wouldn't drag her, she'd be miserable and make everyone else miserable too.

aSofaNearYou · 02/09/2021 08:50

I started opting out of doing stuff at that age and I bitterly regret it now, tbh, but I guess that's the life lesson.

If he doesn't want to go I would tell him he needs to contact his grandad and ask if he can spend the day with him himself, rather than just expect it to be sorted for him.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 02/09/2021 08:51

Disliking crowds and lots of organised ‘fun’ stuff doesn’t mean someone has the level of anxiety that needs GP involvement! Or any anxiety at all come to that.

Why some MNers are invariably so keen to diagnose MH ishoos in people they’ve never met, I don’t know. I dare say they’re the same sort of people who think natural introverts who need a lot of quiet time, aren’t ‘normal’. In other words, not like them.

diddl · 02/09/2021 08:59

I think if the laser quest is booked specifically for him then he should go.

I wouldn't let him sit on his phone at dinner either-he'll have plenty of time for that dut´ring the activities that he doesn't do!

icedcoffees · 02/09/2021 09:03

@OnlyFantastic

Why don't you think a 14 year old should have a choice?

Maybe because he's a child?

My teen gets input on most things. Input.

Sometimes I overrule his request or his input and he doesn't get his way. Because he's a child and 14 year olds still need to be parented.

But OP doesn't even suggest he was given input - just that he was told "this is booked, you're going".

At 14 he should have the choice if there is an option for him to stay elsewhere imo. There will be no winners if he's in a foul mood all weekend.

Hemingwaycat · 02/09/2021 09:05

It’s a difficult one because I can sympathise with both of you.

I never wanted to be dragged along with my Mum at that age, I just didn’t want to do it. Your trip out sounds really fun so totally different to this but my Mum dragged me to Butlins with her friend and her friend’s children at 13 and I just hated every second. I stayed in the caravan as much as she’d let me, when she did drag me out I’d just sit in the corner looking miserable. She also dragged me to the same friend’s wedding a year later and I didn’t want to do that either so I had the meal then sat in the hotel room all night. My Mum thought I was a complete twat but I’d told her I didn’t want to go and she still forced me to. I sat in the room watching TV all night and drank all of the coffee/tea sachets because I had nothing else to drink so she was pissed off the next morning too 😂.

On the other hand, I’m now a parent so understand how upsetting it is to plan a fun day only to be faced with an ungrateful child. It’s disheartening and I know you have the best intentions. I just think at 14 he should be able to decide for himself and I don’t think Grandad needs to babysit unless he has SEN.

ProfessorSillyStuff · 02/09/2021 09:06

I also would be tempted to call his bluff by saying no xbox, phone or Netflix if you stay home!

Anxiety issues must be overcome at some point anyway, I'm saying this as an autistic adult with two autistic ds, avoiding anxiety triggers gives anxiety all the power. I had panic attacks all the time, but never if my mum was present, surely with family around it's easier to cope with triggers? (for me at least!)

You sound like a lovely mum wanting to bring your family together and create memories BTW. Also dss 13 does this but then has a great time and often brings up memories we've made together!

MrsSchadenfreude · 02/09/2021 09:33

I’ve also seen this attitude from young people who “don’t fancy” doing stuff, and who have never been made to do it by their parents, roll over to the world of work. When I’ve asked some of our first jobbers to do stuff - which is part of their job - I’ve been met with “yeah, don’t fancy that, can you give me something else to do”, or, asking someone to do something by a deadline “yeah, not going to happen, maybe the week after next?”

I think this is why I feel quite strongly about it - that they need to understand that the world doesn’t always dance to their tune, and sometimes other people take priority, or they have to do things they might not want to do, but will please other people.

Bouledeneige · 02/09/2021 09:57

I'd leave it. He's 14 and has clearly stated his preference. You wouldn't force another adult to do something they hated.

You'll definitely have more fun without him.

Macncheeseballs · 02/09/2021 10:07

Nothing worse than a truculent, narcissistic, moody teenager, who thinks the world revolves around them, but one can only hope its a stage

ProfessorSillyStuff · 02/09/2021 10:11

@Macncheeseballs

Nothing worse than a truculent, narcissistic, moody teenager, who thinks the world revolves around them, but one can only hope its a stage
Lol yes this exactly! Any of that from my dss and he begins to lose privileges and gain chores quickly... starting with Internet access and washing everyone's dishes. I'm nobody's skiv and especially not anyone who acts like that towards me or any other family member. We're all in it together. He's actually happier for it in the (not very) long run. I think it's his way of checking if he's cared about to be honest!
namechange30455 · 02/09/2021 10:12

I really can't stand it when people say their kids should be "grateful" for something they...don't actually want to do.

You wouldn't be grateful if someone forced you to do something you didn't want to do, would you?

aSofaNearYou · 02/09/2021 10:28

@namechange30455

I really can't stand it when people say their kids should be "grateful" for something they...don't actually want to do.

You wouldn't be grateful if someone forced you to do something you didn't want to do, would you?

I think most adults would show a passing appreciation for somebody putting a lot of effort into planning a day for them actually, yes. This is the skill people are saying he could do with learning. It will be necessary to navigate adult life.
Iamthewombat · 02/09/2021 10:37

@namechange30455

I really can't stand it when people say their kids should be "grateful" for something they...don't actually want to do.

You wouldn't be grateful if someone forced you to do something you didn't want to do, would you?

The OP is hardly sending her son down a coal mine.

Most kids don’t want to go back to school after the summer holidays. Parenting involves making it happen irrespective of what the kids want. They will be grateful in the long run that they weren’t permitted to sit around at home until they were 18, even if they aren’t on the first day of the new term.

Similarly, the OP’s son might look back at time spent with his family and be glad that his mother didn’t let him stay at home alone (!!!) playing on his X box all night.

PileOfBooks · 02/09/2021 13:16

I wouldn't be grateful for a crazy day of 4 activities and a meal though.

Part of growing up (and it's taken me far to long to do this) is to learn to say when something isn't right for you. I was a people pleaser for far too long.

aSofaNearYou · 02/09/2021 13:27

@PileOfBooks

I wouldn't be grateful for a crazy day of 4 activities and a meal though.

Part of growing up (and it's taken me far to long to do this) is to learn to say when something isn't right for you. I was a people pleaser for far too long.

I think there's a balance to be struck between the two ends of the spectrum, tbh.
Iamthewombat · 02/09/2021 13:50

The OP named four activities to be conducted over a day and a half. It might not be four activities in a single day. Even if it were, what an adult woman posting on MN would find ‘crazy’ may not be what a kid of 12 or 14 would consider too much. The OP has already told us that her son enjoys at least two of the planned activities.

I am entertained by the idea that a 14 year old insisting on skulking in his room playing X box whilst his poor grandad sits downstairs confined to the house ‘minding him’ isn’t being selfish or addicted to gaming, oh no. He’s learning not to be a people pleaser!

Plumtree391 · 02/09/2021 14:24

I didn't get that he would be 'skulking' while playing X box. I daresay he would engage a bit with his grandfather too, and eat.

He'll be back and school and mixing with others soon enough. I understand that the trip all sounds a bit much. He probably does, or will, appreciate the thought behind it but that doesn't mean he'll want to go.

He's not a small kid, at 14 is quite old enough to choose about such things.