Page 2 | Making 14 yr old go on a family trip

bridgetjonesmassivepants · 2021-09-01T15:15:35+00:00

I think I am right in doing this but here goes... 14 year old, his 12 yr old sister and me, all going to a nearish town to do lots of activities. Staying overnight so a day and half in total. Doing climbing, laser quest, fun fair, swim centre etc - lots of fun stuff. Having dinner out. Last blow out before they return to school next week. 14 yr old doesn't want to go, wants to stay at home and get his Grandad to come over and look after him (would be by himself for over 12 hours otherwise) says he hates busy places as there are too many people. (Not Covid related - just doesn't like crowds). My view is that it is a day and a half, there are lots of fun activities that he will enjoy, even if he doesn't it is not a long period of time. He should also be grateful that he is given the opportunity to do so much stuff! Yes - he should go and try to enjoy it. No - I am being unnecessarily cruel in forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do.

Roselilly36 · 01/09/2021 16:44

Let him stay with GD, he will ruin the day otherwise. He’s 14, family days just don’t interest teenagers. Take it from me I have two DS’, they just wanted to stay in their rooms with their computers at that age. All part of growing up. Just enjoy the day with your DD.

MrsSchadenfreude · 01/09/2021 16:44

I’d make him go. Life doesn’t always revolve around you, your wants and desires, and he needs to learn this. Why should good old Granddad be put out and have to stay with a mardy teenager? I left mine at home for a weekend, aged 17 and 15, on their own, on condition they got up on their own and went to school on Monday (we were back Monday afternoon). The 17 year old managed it. The 15 year old had a “lovely relaxed day in the flat on her own” according to her FB. So the next time we went away she was sent off to Granny as she clearly couldn’t be trusted.

FreddyKreugersWife · 01/09/2021 16:46

And for all you know, he may decide to leave the house and go for a long walk or visit a friend or something on the day you leave, and you'll be frantic looking for him and miss out on going. That's what I'd do. I'd take off that morning and wouldn't return til night. No one could ever force a teenager against their will, he'll run away or something and you'll miss your trip looking for him. You're a fool thinking you can force him, are you going to tie him up and force him in the car?

FreddyKreugersWife · 01/09/2021 16:49

@MrsSchadenfreude

I’d make him go. Life doesn’t always revolve around you, your wants and desires, and he needs to learn this. Why should good old Granddad be put out and have to stay with a mardy teenager? I left mine at home for a weekend, aged 17 and 15, on their own, on condition they got up on their own and went to school on Monday (we were back Monday afternoon). The 17 year old managed it. The 15 year old had a “lovely relaxed day in the flat on her own” according to her FB. So the next time we went away she was sent off to Granny as she clearly couldn’t be trusted.

Same for the parents. Life doesn't always revolve around what the mother wants. Why should a 14 year old be put out because his mother puts her selfish wants above her own children? What the teenager wants also is important. No person can force a teenage boy to go anywhere unless they kidnap them and tie them up. You can't actually 'make' a teenage boy go at all. You're being unrealistic. How are you going to 'make' him go?

DameAlyson · 01/09/2021 16:53

wants to stay at home and get his Grandad to come over and look after him

Presume Grandad has nothing better to do than come over and sit in the house while DS stays in bed or plays on xbox. Or will he spend time with Grandad, make him lunch and so on?

Everyone saying he's a teenager, you have to let him choose, but happy to dispose of an adult man's time for him.

Janaih · 01/09/2021 16:59

I'd let him stay home but point out that when there's something he wants to do you'll be less inclined to put yourself out.
Saying that, you have a lot of activities planned. I would find that too much. Could he come and just do one of them and chill by himself in your hotel?

Quitelikeacatslife · 01/09/2021 17:05

You can't force him into being grateful for something he doesn't want to do. If it is supposed to be a treat why not ask him what he would like to do? It sounds a bit full on, maybe don't do all of the things?
That being said, I don't believe in teenagers checking out of family life, they usually do enjoy things more than they think they will .
Personally I'd get him to go but allow downtime perhaps in the room in the afternoon. That's what I do with my DD, she needs her space, if I negotiate with her that she will be allowed time to herself if she joins in with X then it works well. It shows you are listening to them.

Original poster

bridgetjonesmassivepants · 01/09/2021 17:06

Activity one, could find a bench and sit on his phone,
Activity two - he would do
Activity three - laser quest, he would do this and enjoy it.
Dinner - could sit on his phone,
After dinner, on phone if he didn't want to join in with the fun fair

Next day - activity one, could sit out.
Activity two - he would do and should enjoy.

Not entirely comfortable with leaving him in a hotel room when we go off site but happy for him to do some activities and opt out of others.

OP posts:

ChangeMustCome · 01/09/2021 17:07

If Grandad is up for it why not enjoy som 1:1 with Dd?

MrsSchadenfreude · 01/09/2021 17:08

@FreddyKreugersWife do you have/have you had teenagers?

thevassal · 01/09/2021 17:09

Don't really see why you would want a grumpy teenager to come if he's not going to enjoy it and it will cost you more. What are you getting from it? He's old enough to have a preference, just because you think the activities are fun (I agree btw!) doesn't mean he will! However I would say if he doesn't want to come he can go to grandad's not the other way around! Don't see why grandad should be put out if he's the one getting a favour!

Hoolihan · 01/09/2021 17:12

I couldn't do that many activities at any age!! Sounds totally exhausting. I would probably make mine come along but leave him in the hotel room for some of the time. Or reduce the amount of activities!

parietal · 01/09/2021 17:12

is there any activity on your list that would be his favourite thing (maybe something his sister wouldn't do)? I think if you are planning an activity weekend, you need enough things that will appeal to every person involved. I'd tell him that he has to come but can be fully involved in planning & picking the activities that the family will do, and can opt out of 2 or 3 things (but not more).

FreddyKreugersWife · 01/09/2021 17:13

[quote MrsSchadenfreude]@FreddyKreugersWife do you have/have you had teenagers?[/quote]
Yes, I have. Hence my posts. If a teenage boy doesn't want to go, you can't do anything to make him. It just doesn't work like that.

Original poster

bridgetjonesmassivepants · 01/09/2021 17:13

We are doing the laser quest for him and also one of the other activities - they are pretty fairly split between their favourite things.

OP posts:

MrsSchadenfreude · 01/09/2021 17:17

@FreddyKreugersWife DD2 wasn’t given a choice. She was told to get in the car and did so. She was very, very, unhappy about being dispatched to the grandparents, but as she had betrayed our trust once, we were clear that she wasn’t going to be given the opportunity again.

Tal45 · 01/09/2021 17:18

Mine has ASD and I would make him go, if I'd never made him go anywhere or do anything then he'd never have left his room in his whole life! However although he never wants to go anywhere once he is out he does actually generally enjoy it. The things you've arranged sound really enjoyable for a teen but it sounds like he might just ruin it with his moaning. Do you think he'd enjoy it once he was there? If so I'd take him just to get him away from the xbox. If not I'd leave him home. I wonder if he'd be more keen another time if you saw if a friend of his wanted to do an activity with him maybe?

dappledsunshine · 01/09/2021 17:21

I'd make him go op, doesn't sound like he's anxious as such but it's more of a preference to stay home and game. Like you say he's had all summer to do that and it's only a short time away.

RedMarauder · 01/09/2021 17:21

@DameAlyson

wants to stay at home and get his Grandad to come over and look after him

Presume Grandad has nothing better to do than come over and sit in the house while DS stays in bed or plays on xbox. Or will he spend time with Grandad, make him lunch and so on?

Everyone saying he's a teenager, you have to let him choose, but happy to dispose of an adult man's time for him.

Well grandad can be asked what he wants to do.

When I've volunteered with older people they have said that they get on really well with teenagers, and that teenagers are really patient with them especially in regards to technology. So grandad may end up playing on the xbox with his grandson or being taught about social media

OrangeTortoise · 01/09/2021 17:23

I would make him go (I have a 13yo and a 15yo).

However, it does sound a bit full on, which isn't to everyone's taste. I would consider cancelling one or two of the activities and heading back to the hotel early.

1forAll74 · 01/09/2021 17:24

He will seemingly be happier with his Granddad, and be safe. He won't be happy trudging around places, that he doesn't fancy, the ones that you think will make him happy. He will thank you, if you don't make a big deal about all this.

meanbeany · 01/09/2021 17:41

Tbh I think 14 is past the age where you want to go on fun days out with your mum and sister.

I also think that's far too many things packed into 1.5 days, I'd be stressed and grumpy. Is he an introvert?

I never wanted to do anything involving crowds of people and noise, my parents always thought I was ungrateful and grumpy. I was diagnosed with ASD in my 30s.

user1471474462 · 01/09/2021 17:44

I would say you understand that he wants his independence, but family time is important. It would make you sad if he stayed at home as you want him around.

You appreciate that he’s growing up, but your not ready to just leave him at home. If he finds any of the activities too much he’s welcome to stay in the hotel and watch a film.

He’s 14 not 18, so I think that’s fair.

Topseyt · 01/09/2021 17:46

Bloody hell, you are certainly packing the activities in! 🙄 Are you actually planning on finding the time to breathe during this trip? 🤣

Seriously though, perhaps your idea of fun is with loads of people and noise around, and when you are doing so much that your feet barely touch the ground. That doesn't suit everyone though and maybe it is his idea of hell (it would be mine, even when I was a teenager).

I'd let him stay at home with his Grandad if Grandad is also happy with that.

The one thing I liked about the teenage years with my three DDs was that I was no longer obliged to take them everywhere. Leaving them at home or doing their own thing had suddenly become acceptable, within reason.

meanbeany · 01/09/2021 17:51

Seriously though, perhaps your idea of fun is with loads of people and noise around, and when you are doing so much that your feet barely touch the ground. That doesn't suit everyone though and maybe it is his idea of hell (it would be mine, even when I was a teenager).

Same. My parents used to take me on days out like this, thinking it's what kids "should" find fun. I always wanted to be left in peace and quiet with a book 😄 I'm the same now.