Making 14 yr old go on a family trip

[bridgetjonesmassivepants]

I think I am right in doing this but here goes...

14 year old, his 12 yr old sister and me, all going to a nearish town to do lots of activities. Staying overnight so a day and half in total. Doing climbing, laser quest, fun fair, swim centre etc - lots of fun stuff. Having dinner out. Last blow out before they return to school next week.

14 yr old doesn't want to go, wants to stay at home and get his Grandad to come over and look after him (would be by himself for over 12 hours otherwise) says he hates busy places as there are too many people. (Not Covid related - just doesn't like crowds).

My view is that it is a day and a half, there are lots of fun activities that he will enjoy, even if he doesn't it is not a long period of time. He should also be grateful that he is given the opportunity to do so much stuff!

Yes - he should go and try to enjoy it.
No - I am being unnecessarily cruel in forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do.

OP came up with a reasonable compromise around the activities which she posted yesterday.

The OP is hardly sending her son down a coal mine.

But why does it matter what the activity is?

He's 14 and doesn't want to go. It's not necessary that he goes - and if he does get dragged along and sulks/huffs, everyone will end up in a bad mood and nobody will have a good time.

Whereas if he's listened to and allowed to stay at home with his granddad (presuming granddad is happy to supervise him), he gets what he wants, and OP and her daughter will both be able to go off and have fun too.

At 14, I wouldn't have wanted to go on an activity weekend with my mum and my 12 year old sister either!

I daresay he would engage a bit with his grandfather

I should bloody well hope he would, since grandad would be putting himself out for his benefit. Not to do so would be the ultimate in rudeness.

The OP has already told us that her son enjoys at least two of the planned activities.

But will he enjoy doing them with his mum and his little sister?

Depends what he will be doing otherwise , mine at that age didn't want to do things as playing on xbox more important to them and if that was the case I would make them go to some things and leave them for others , now 18 and 16 so rarely come anywhere with us

YABU, he doesn't want to go. Just go and enjoy it with your daughter

I didn't get that he would be 'skulking' while playing X box. I daresay he would engage a bit with his grandfather too, and eat.

Yeah, I expect that he will be sitting at his grandfather’s feet, sharing his Werthers Originals, suffused in a golden glow whilst he listens to the old man’s tales of his youth and learn some valuable life lessons. Yes, that will definitely happen.

The OP is hardly sending her son down a coal mine.

But why does it matter what the activity is?

Because the OP is not expecting her son to do anything that would be considered cruel or unreasonable for a child, of course. All the hand wringing on here about “forcing him to do something he doesn’t like”, as if he were ing forced to do something terrible!

He's 14 and doesn't want to go. It's not necessary that he goes - and if he does get dragged along and sulks/huffs, everyone will end up in a bad mood and nobody will have a good time.

Then it will do him good to learn that it’s not appropriate to sulk and huff because you don’t like the treat your mum has arranged for you. As PPs have pointed out, part of growing up is realising that sometimes you have to think about other people and that the world doesn’t revolve around your wants and wishes.

I’m also inclined to think that he’s gaming too much and that a break from screens would be a good thing. The OP is being a good parent.

YABU unless he was actively involved in planning the days & now can't be bothered. At 14 he would probably rather do those activities with his mates not his parents. I don't see any benefit in forcing it & dragging him along to be on his phone anyway...

The world doesn't revolve around 1 persons wants and wishes, but a totally unnecessary , unasked for and unwanted activity when there is a perfectly reasonable workable alternative is not something that needs to be forced upon someone.

@sweeneytoddsrazor

The world doesn't revolve around 1 persons wants and wishes, but a totally unnecessary , unasked for and unwanted activity when there is a perfectly reasonable workable alternative is not something that needs to be forced upon someone.

This.

but a totally unnecessary , unasked for and unwanted activity...

Most activities are unnecessary, beyond sleeping, eating, hygiene and exercise. Is gaming necessary?

when there is a perfectly reasonable workable alternative

Only workable if Grandad is willing. What if he doesn't see why he should have an unasked for and unwanted activity forced on him?

Then it will do him good to learn that it’s not appropriate to sulk and huff because you don’t like the treat your mum has arranged for you. As PPs have pointed out, part of growing up is realising that sometimes you have to think about other people and that the world doesn’t revolve around your wants and wishes.

Part of growing up is also learning to find to your voice and saying "no" to things you don't want to do.

You're right that the world doesn't revolve around him, but him NOT going won't stop anyone else going and having fun, so it's really no big deal IMO. Forcing teenagers to do non-essential "family fun days" rarely ends well!

If Grandad doesn’t want to come then he’s 14 and perfectly capable of looking after himself for 12 hours.

This is not a hill to die on.

If Grandad doesn’t want to come then he’s 14 and perfectly capable of looking after himself for 12 hours.

It's an overnight trip.

Part of growing up is also learning to find to your voice and saying "no" to things you don't want to do.

We’ll see how well that serves him at school and particularly at work. @MrsSchadenfreude described being on the receiving end of this sort of ‘tude upthread.

Saying no to things that aren’t good for you - underage drinking, drugs, coercion into behaving badly - is absolutely a good skill to learn, but attempting to apply that to a couple of days away with your mum and sister is just silly. Particularly when anyone who knows boys aged 8-18 is well aware that theatrics of this type are all about “why can’t I play on my X box or PS4 24 hours a day?”

We’ll see how well that serves him at school and particularly at work.

I actually think it's something can serve people VERY well in the workplace. I'm self-employed and saying "no" to problematic clients is actually a really important thing. It can also be important as an employee to learn to say "no" to things that you're not being paid for (as an example).

Saying no to things that aren’t good for you - underage drinking, drugs, coercion into behaving badly - is absolutely a good skill to learn, but attempting to apply that to a couple of days away with your mum and sister is just silly.

I can't agree. I think it's important that teenagers are allowed a voice, even if it's over things like going away with your mum and sister for a weekend.

Does he need to go? No. Will be a sulky teen if he's dragged along anyway? Probably. Will his sulky presence result in a good time? No.

So why fight about it? If granddad is happy to spend some time with him at home, I really don't see why you'd force him along anyway. Who does it benefit?

Option 1: Can he take a friend? In my experience they just want to be with their friends at this age and beyond.

Option 2: Can Granddad do something fun with him so he is not gaming all day?

Option 3: Let it go, this is not your life it is his, and I would HATE to do the things you describe at 14. It is social suicide being dragged around with your parents full stop.

That said, I am in the same position and HAVE dragged them along anyway with very very mixed results. It is my wants and needs, not theirs. Me feeling like a good parent etc etc that is motivating the trips.

I insist on exercise every day, real life activities and some socialising off line but honestly it is hard work but we got there.

On balance I don't think you should be booking anything at all without his input going forward. We decide together these days.

@DameAlyson

If Grandad doesn’t want to come then he’s 14 and perfectly capable of looking after himself for 12 hours.

It's an overnight trip.

12 hours doesn’t equate to a day and a half plus an overnight - will the OP’s DH be there overnight?

You genuinely think that a 14 year old allowed to sit at home gaming instead of going out and doing stuff is “learning to say no to problematic clients”? Hahaha

Allowing your 14 year old to say no to certain things won't lead to attitude. Allowing them to say no to some things and not others surely show them that some things have to be done no matter what and other things are optional.

I would say also that a friend of mine micromanages her teen dd like this and it is causing so much resentment and seems to be really damaging their relationship resulting in rudeness, real anger and back lash.

It is better to let them have some freedom to decide where possible or compromise.

@Iamthewombat

You genuinely think that a 14 year old allowed to sit at home gaming instead of going out and doing stuff is “learning to say no to problematic clients”? Hahaha

Well, no, because that's not what I said.

I said learning to say "no" to things you don't want to do is something that should start as a teenager - you don't just turn 18 and miraculously know how to stand up for yourself.

IMO it's important for children/teenagers to be allowed to say "no" and rebel in a safe environment - he won't come to any harm if he's allowed to stay home with granddad, so why not let him if that's what he'd prefer to do?

There are some things teenagers have to do and that are worth standing your ground - but this really isn't one of them.

With teenagers it’s definitely a case of pick your battles.

I remember being forced to go hillwalking with my family and hating it. Up early, into the car and away for the day - I cannot tell you how angry and powerless this used to make me feel. I was supposed to respect my parents wishes - but they had zero respect for mine. It put me off hillwalking for a long time and the family trips were miserable because my sister and I didn’t want to be there and my dad spent the whole time not speaking to us because we were making his beloved walks unpleasant. Yeah - no shit, Sherlock. When I did rediscover walking it was on my terms and so far more enjoyable. Oh - I manage perfectly well in the workplace.

Fecking hell kids start saying no as soon as they can speak, and we're meant to respect every one of those no's?

Where has anyone said that?