To ask my almost 17YO to pay board?

[Icanflyhigh]

DD is 17 end of October. She started an apprenticeship earlier in the summer and earns £14.5k per year.

Apart from buying herself lunch each day (which she doesn't HAVE to do as there is food available to take from home) she has no other outgoings.

I have asked her to contribute £50 per week to the household, for that, she will have all food provided, washing done, all the hot water she can use, lifts to wherever she wants, pretty much whenever she wants them, a lift to and from work each day (we don't live on a bus route) and other usual stuff.

Well she's made me feel like the worst mother in the world for asking.
I've explained that we've lost her child benefit now, and I'm expecting her dad to stop paying maintenance too (not that his £17 a week makes a huge difference to be fair) but our outgoings have remained the same or increased.

On top of that I've asked her to pay her own phone bill. She had a brand new iPhone X in July on the premise that she would pay the bill. We haven't had a penny yet, but its attached to our BT account so if we don't pay it, we screw up our own credit rating.

The board I have asked her for will be put straight towards her driving lessons. I've already bought her provisional driving licence and she has a car waiting for when she has passed her test.

So AIBU for asking?
What would you do if she decides not to pay it? TIA x

Yanbu. I’d actually ask for more than that - especially if it’s going to be spent on her!! It’s only 1/5 of her weekly wage.

And do you really think she can do it any cheaper on her own or with a friend

The point is she shouldn’t have to go on her own or with a friend as she’s just 16 and a child. Of course she should have food, clothes, hot water etc provided by her parents.

Awww bless her, shes 16, that's still a child. She's not yet an adult and is a while away from being one.

Don't fixate on money being the only way to teach her - why aren't you teaching her the basic life stuff instead?

You're 16 now you can do your own washing.
You're 16 now could you cook tea tonight?
Can you go and grab some essentionals from the shop, clean the car, visit your nan...

Whys it soley based on finances and teaching her shit needs to be paid for?

Let her do her own shopping & buy her own clothes.

Forget the maintenance and child benefit, it's not really her job to replace this missing money when the time comes, it's shit I understand but can't she just have a little freedom, for a little while?

If you want to pay for her lessons do it of course, if you don't then don't. But coming straight from a covid situation finishing school and straight into an full time job is a great thing and letting her see her money for a while would be the greatest lesson for finances to be honest.

Work hard get paid do well.

I'd not be thinking of board/rent until they was 18.

If she said she was moving out tomorrow would you really truely wave your 16 year old daughter off? Or would you be telling her no chance your still a child?

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

And do you really think she can do it any cheaper on her own or with a friend

The point is she shouldn’t have to go on her own or with a friend as she’s just 16 and a child. Of course she should have food, clothes, hot water etc provided by her parents.

This is the point! The idea that a literal child should be grateful for being provided with shelter, food and hot water is horrifying!

OP could be reported to social services for neglect if she failed to provide these things - they are NOT privileges!

@KingdomScrolls

If she doesn't pay don't cook for her, don't allow her access to laundry detergent etc, no doubt anything for her, lifts, laundry etc, if she doesn't want to pay for her luxuries and recognise you are being very generous, she can pay for everything she needs.

I agree with this. It's so difficult to get your children to appreciate money and all you pay for as parents. I think allowing her a choice of living there rent-free but paying for detergent, fuel, any nice food you buy at her request etc, or just paying one sum for all is a great idea. She gets to choose for herself and she can understand what the luxuries cost and how lucky she is.

You sound like a generous parent, OP. I hope your children will appreciate it one day!

@KingdomScrolls
If she doesn't pay don't cook for her, don't allow her access to laundry detergent etc, no doubt anything for her, lifts, laundry etc, if she doesn't want to pay for her luxuries and recognise you are being very generous, she can pay for everything she needs.

You see this gets me! My dc will be in school until age 18/19 (there's no option here to really quit at age 16!) so imo age 16/17 is still young! If her dc was in school then she would be supporting her but just because she is working then she is being told to basically go hard on her or she can move out? I think it's a bit of a double standard in a sense and I find it quite sickening. I'm all for teaching children to budget and fend for themselves but not in a way that cuts ties or takes 20% of their money each week

My parents didn't charge me a penny! I was still a great saver and helped out at home, and then when my parents we're moving home and needed to live with me whilst they renovated their new house I didn't charge them either. My mum would make dinner the odd day and do the ironing for me and it was lovely. Again no money involved but still a lot of respect and appreciation.

If she doesn't pay don't cook for her, don't allow her access to laundry detergent etc, no doubt anything for her, lifts, laundry etc, if she doesn't want to pay for her luxuries and recognise you are being very generous, she can pay for everything she needs.

She is 16, still a child. You can't possibly be serious?!

Depends on your circumstances.
Makes total sense o charge her if you need the money.
In your position and didnlt need the money then no, I wouldn't charge.
She is 16 and earning. Many older teenagers at univerity and college live away and require a great deal of parental funding for rent, fees, living expenses.
In your position OP I would feel that I have been let off lightly- had she chosen another route and 5 years at university that may have cost you ££££.
So in your position OP, no I wouldn't expect her to pay.

Of course she should chip in with household expenses. Why has she got a free car and free driving lessons? That's all wrong! She should pay towards both of those too.

In your position OP I would feel that I have been let off lightly- had she chosen another route and 5 years at university that may have cost you ££££.

Again, this assumption that just by dint of being a parent, there will be enough spare cash to fund 5 years of university ...

She needs to start getting used to paying bills. So it’s an absolute must you do this!

Will teach her how to budget ect.

Again, this assumption that just by dint of being a parent, there will be enough spare cash to fund 5 years of university ...

Spare cash or not if a child wants to go to go to university parents are expected to contribue.

I don't have children so my opinion holds very little weight, however when I was a kid (I'm 36 now) I had a job at 15 and I was expected to pay for some things around the house...I bought my first cell phone (those Nokia ones that were indestructible)I paid the bills for it and I paid my own gas and if I didn't have the money to pay for those things I didn't drive, or my phone didn't have minutes (it was pre-paid). When I got older I paid my own insurance and I contributed $75 a month to the house. It helped me learn about budgets and paying things on time. I don't understand how someone could feel so entitled that the don't need to contribute at all. Also this is a lesson for mom...maybe you have been a little too easy on her when it comes to giving her what she wants. I think it may do her some good to understand money and how it's not just unlimited. Plus I know I felt great when I bought things for myself and didn't have to rely on my parents.

@FlowerPower3110 no I'm not of you'd read any of my other posts you'd see in against charging young adults to live at home. I do think it's fair for her to cover her own mobile bill and driving lessons

@speakout

Again, this assumption that just by dint of being a parent, there will be enough spare cash to fund 5 years of university ...

Spare cash or not if a child wants to go to go to university parents are expected to contribue.

Expectations don't put cash in the bank. Nobody can contribute what they do not have.

Expectations don't put cash in the bank.
Nobody can contribute what they do not have.

Indeed. And that is why kids from lower income backgrounds tend not to go to university. Very sad but true.
Many parents struggle to help their children through univeristy
The OP does not have that burden.

Don't know if you now but this has been picked up by the sun

[quote KingdomScrolls]@FlowerPower3110 no I'm not of you'd read any of my other posts you'd see in against charging young adults to live at home. I do think it's fair for her to cover her own mobile bill and driving lessons[/quote]
Alright, I'm happy to apologise then. Covering her own mobile bill sounds reasonable.

@ChargingBuck

In your position OP I would feel that I have been let off lightly- had she chosen another route and 5 years at university that may have cost you ££££.

Again, this assumption that just by dint of being a parent, there will be enough spare cash to fund 5 years of university ...

If the family income is too high for the daughter to get any grants or bursaries then yes, they are expected to contribute.

Reading this thread, I honestly don't understand why some people bother having children.

Reading this thread, I honestly don't understand why some people bother having children.

Aren't you the PP who had tears in her eyes thinking of the poor abused DD with only £800 left for her own personal spending every month @Rozziie?
Do you think it would be best to step away from the thread before it all goes a bit Sistine Chapel for you?

@ChargingBuck

Reading this thread, I honestly don't understand why some people bother having children.

Aren't you the PP who had tears in her eyes thinking of the poor abused DD with only £800 left for her own personal spending every month @Rozziie?
Do you think it would be best to step away from the thread before it all goes a bit Sistine Chapel for you?

Oh dear - the concept of a 'turn of phrase' a bit alien to you? You do realise when people say they're 'dying laughing' they're not really dying?

I'm sorry you think it's acceptable to charge a child for their basic needs, including a roof over their head. I've never met anyone who was a fan of 'tough love' parenting who wasn't themselves extremely broken and recipients of the same sort of tough love from their own parents. Funny how these types always shout about how they 'turned out fine' when they really haven't.

I would not ask her. Alternatively, you could ask her for the £50 and save the money for her for a house deposit.

Well it's nice to see the nest of vipers is still as strong as it was 10 years ago!!!

For the record, I've never suggested she move out, I've never said I would withhold laundry detergent and toiletries etc and I've never said she wouldn't have a roof over her head.

For those who asked, I do her washing because we are a family of 5 and in all honesty it would take longer to sort hers out for her to do than it does to just bung it in. I work full time but from home, so I have a lot of flexibility over my hours. Sometimes I spend the whole day doing housework and cleaning, some days I don't even manage to clear the sink of breakfast pots.....
Same with cooking. She is perfectly able to cook a meal and sometimes she does, but most days, I cook an evening meal for all of us and because I'm at home, I have more time to do it around my work.
Whether you think I'm doing the right thing or not, I'm doing it how I was taught and I have a brilliant relationship with my parents.
If the other 2 decide to go to Uni or not, that's up to them and we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

How would it be far to fund your other two children through university (I assume you will still feed, clothe them) knowing FULL well that with a university education they are much more likely to earn a great deal more than your dd in the longer term, so they have the benefit of years and years of free 'board' but she does not?

That is grossly unfair.

Especially as you plan to keep the money, so rather than levelling up their chances a little by putting it away for her, you are going to keep it! In the end have paid thousands to you, whilst her siblings have not, she is then stuck in a job that doesn't pay very well in the long term, with VERY LIMITED education. She has no a levels and no degree.

This is extremely short sighted of you op. You are setting her up for a life of poverty and hard graft, rather than one with a good education that sets her up into a profession that will pay well, and will offer the chance to buy her own home etc.

A quick buck now she will pay for many times over later on by limiting her job opportunities without a full education to 18 years of age.

**How would it be fair