To ask my almost 17YO to pay board?

[Icanflyhigh]

DD is 17 end of October. She started an apprenticeship earlier in the summer and earns £14.5k per year.

Apart from buying herself lunch each day (which she doesn't HAVE to do as there is food available to take from home) she has no other outgoings.

I have asked her to contribute £50 per week to the household, for that, she will have all food provided, washing done, all the hot water she can use, lifts to wherever she wants, pretty much whenever she wants them, a lift to and from work each day (we don't live on a bus route) and other usual stuff.

Well she's made me feel like the worst mother in the world for asking.
I've explained that we've lost her child benefit now, and I'm expecting her dad to stop paying maintenance too (not that his £17 a week makes a huge difference to be fair) but our outgoings have remained the same or increased.

On top of that I've asked her to pay her own phone bill. She had a brand new iPhone X in July on the premise that she would pay the bill. We haven't had a penny yet, but its attached to our BT account so if we don't pay it, we screw up our own credit rating.

The board I have asked her for will be put straight towards her driving lessons. I've already bought her provisional driving licence and she has a car waiting for when she has passed her test.

So AIBU for asking?
What would you do if she decides not to pay it? TIA x

@PlanDeRaccordement

By law an apprenticeship has to include training...which I see she is getting because you mention a qualification. She is still studying, not just working even though she is paid to study for that qualification.

So it’s not regular FT employment in my opinion and the U.K. governments which is why the apprentice minimum wage is seperate and so low. It’s set that way because the employer has tuition costs to bear for the study/training portion of an apprenticeship.

£14000 a year for a 16 year old is not a low wage considering the minimum wage for 16 year olds is £4.62 an hour. She is actually on £6.73 an hour.

So in your theory the OP should not charge board because the employer has tuition costs ...

Righto!

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@SyIviescup
Neither is the OPs DD as an apprenticeship is PT employment plus PT college, is it not?

And yes, my DC had PT jobs while in University (except for the SEN ones who truly couldn’t).

So not so different one is study at uni and work PT and the OPs DD is study at college and work PT.

I never took a penny off them.[/quote]
Not always. My DD1 did an apprenticeship at a barristers chambers and she didn't go to collage.

Neither is OP dd. She is in work FT, and it IS work, 40 hours a week.

YANBU at all. However YABU for not mentioning her contributing much sooner. I always knew growing up if I earned a wage and was living at home, I'd have to pay keep.

I think it is quite reasonable to ask her to contribute. It is teaching her a life lesson and I am surprised others can’t see that.
I wouldn’t be doing her washing though. I taught all of our children to use the washing machine and they washed their own things bar school uniform from her age. That way if they wanted a specific thing for sport or going out then they were responsible. This came about when I washed the wrong kit once for football and I received a strong complaint. He was playing for four teams. The others just followed suit when they reached that age. 3 DS and 1 DD.

DD was pleased when she went to Uni a long distance from home that she could use the WM and could cook. Budgeting came a bit of a shock to her but she soon learnt. We paid her rent and a veggie box every week and she was encouraged to get a part time job.

Your daughter will appreciate you later on.

You're thread is famous OP @Icanflyhigh
YANBU by the way, I started paying £40 a week as soon as I got a full time job at 17. I'm 31 now with my own home, what I'd give to pay that little amount again!

*Your

She needs to pay for her phone or you need to take it back. Does she know what a direct debit is? She could set it up so the money goes to you on pay day ?

Instead of board, make her responsible for her own washing and ironing. Don't pay for her driving lessons. Make sure she knows that her car expenses will be hers to save and fund.

Presumably she needs lifts for work. She either pays for public transport or taxis or she can come up with a offer for you to do lifts (in cash)

Yanu to charge when she is earning £14500 k a year

YANBU I think I need to review my dds rent. Shes 23 lives here with her 6 year old ds and pays that amount each week 😬 I'm too soft!

Have you considered actually training or getting yourself a better job op? You seem obsessed by the fact she is earning more than you.
That is the part that needs to change, not charging a child money.

Why have you settled for a such badly paid work? Why not better yourself, and then you won't begrudge your dd her salary and opportunities.

I am yet to hear how proud you are/her obviously excellent work ethic/the challenge of FT work at such a young age or any kind of serious support that she isn't being reminded of on a daily basis. Give her a break, let her find her feet. Show some kindness.
All we hear is endless banging on about money money money from you. It is depressing to read.

@AllTheSingleLadiess

She needs to pay for her phone or you need to take it back. Does she know what a direct debit is? She could set it up so the money goes to you on pay day ?

Instead of board, make her responsible for her own washing and ironing. Don't pay for her driving lessons. Make sure she knows that her car expenses will be hers to save and fund.

Presumably she needs lifts for work. She either pays for public transport or taxis or she can come up with a offer for you to do lifts (in cash)

I've explained what a Direct Debit is, but she has flat out refused to set one up.

@stepupandbecounted

Have you considered actually training or getting yourself a better job op? You seem obsessed by the fact she is earning more than you. That is the part that needs to change, not charging a child money.

Why have you settled for a such badly paid work? Why not better yourself, and then you won't begrudge your dd her salary and opportunities.

I am yet to hear how proud you are/her obviously excellent work ethic/the challenge of FT work at such a young age or any kind of serious support that she isn't being reminded of on a daily basis. Give her a break, let her find her feet. Show some kindness.
All we hear is endless banging on about money money money from you. It is depressing to read.

@stepupandbecounted nowhere in ANY of my posts have I said DD earns more than me. She doesn't! What I have said is that she is being paid twice the amount I was at the same age. Very different thing, but then if you'd read any of the thread properly you'd know this.

Who bought her the car?!

@GreyhoundG1rl

Who bought her the car?!

The car is a gift from my DM, she is in very ill health, won't ever drive again and it seems daft for DD to scrimp and save for one when there is one sitting there doing nothing. DD will have to tax and insure it herself though.

Oh, I see. She's in a very good position, really, yanbu at all.

How are you going to feel if she moves out soon? As she might find for a little more money she can have a lot more freedom and her own rules for instance. Once you have introduced money, it stops being a parenting relationship after all she is PAYING to live there and no longer being cared for. I hope you are prepared for the change in dynamics that will bring.

@stepupandbecounted

How are you going to feel if she moves out soon? As she might find for a little more money she can have a lot more freedom and her own rules for instance. Once you have introduced money, it stops being a parenting relationship after all she is PAYING to live there and no longer being cared for. I hope you are prepared for the change in dynamics that will bring.

It wouldn't be "a little more money" - it would cost nearly all of her salary to live independently & pay her own way.

And she isn't being asked to PAY to live in her home - she's being asked for a small contribution to her living expenses, out of her quite considerable, currently entirely disposable, income.

Of course the dynamic is going to change.
Children grow up, get jobs, & eventually move out - having kids is all ALL about changing dynamics, so not sure why you are trying to convince OP that's something to fret about.

She won't be going far on 50 quid a week...

She is sixteen though, she could probably hook up with a friend. Obviously not a penthouse, but I did a room share at a young age with a friend and it cost very little, and we came and went as we pleased.

I am simply pointing out that a transactional financial arrangement where is paying to live at home is ultimately going to give her much more power and control over her life - whether she chooses to stay at home or not, and whether she thinks real independence would be a better option for her.
She isn't like other girls of her age being cared for and looked after by their parents at home whilst they go to college/sixth form and onto university, she is clearly going to be growing up far faster than the others. It won't take her long to work out she has many options now if she is being charged to live at home. It opens up a different world, as it did for many of us that left home early. I hope op is prepared for all outcomes, and ones possibly she didn't envisage.

Independence too soon can have some very negative outcomes.

@stepupandbecounted

Some people have had crap childhoods with very little support and wish to keep continuing the hardship cycle because 'why should they have it any easier' therefore guaranteeing the shit parenting/deprivation/poverty continues in their families.

What a wonderful legacy to pass on to your children yet more 'tough love' will be meted out. And apparently no emotional intelligence or awareness by these posters of what they are actually doing.

I agree with this.

I'm a bit surprised that so many people are okay with charging a 16 year old CHILD £50 per week to continue living in her childhood home. No wonder she's a bit shocked.

Also I am wondering what happens if she loses her job? And has to accept one with a lower salary? Will you continue to charge her?

On balance it is just all too much pressure for such a young person. Why not get her to save instead the same amount and start charging her at 18 when she is an actual adult?

Paying bills, being charged rent, holding down a 40 hour plus job and the pressure to pass her test quickly because you don't want to drive her. It all sounds extremely intense.

@stepupandbecounted

Also I am wondering what happens if she loses her job? And has to accept one with a lower salary? Will you continue to charge her?

On balance it is just all too much pressure for such a young person. Why not get her to save instead the same amount and start charging her at 18 when she is an actual adult?

Paying bills, being charged rent, holding down a 40 hour plus job and the pressure to pass her test quickly because you don't want to drive her. It all sounds extremely intense.

If she loses her job and has to take another we go back and reassess. If she goes back to full time college/6th form that changes things entirely. I cannot make her save anything. It's her money. There is no pressure on her to pass her test at all, she will do it at her own pace, but as with anything, of we can afford to get extra tuition for her, that's a good thing right?

I feel you are reading far too much into my posts and assuming an awful lot, even when the information has been made clear.

I've written it all down for her today. £50 per week equates to £7.14 per day and considering for that she will get a lift to and from work as long as she needs it, a lift to her friends/boyfriends as and when she wants (as far as we can possibly manage) all of her food/cooking done, her laundry washed dried folded and returned to her bedroom, clean bedding as she wants it, her room hoovered and dusted and bin emptied at least weekly, hot water as and when she wants it for bath/shower, all of her toiletries, Netflix and now TV in her room, superfast broadband, her own room in a nice house, and all of the other things she has had from childhood. Do you really think that's a bad deal for a little.over £7 quid a day?? And do you really think she can do it any cheaper on her own or with a friend?
Be honest?

Now, her taxi this morning cost her £30 to get to work. I've told her how much that equates to if she decides to not pay board and get a taxi to and from work every day. That's £150 PER WEEK just in taxi fare to work or £600 PER MONTH.

Long story short, she's walked in tonight (after I picked her up from work) and threw £250 quid at me and DH. She had a hard lesson today but she has hopefully realised we are not BU and she will calm down.
I have very kindly agreed to let her off the other £30 as she stumped it up for a taxi this morning - so she is now up to date with her phone contract and board.

I will prepare for round 2 at the beginning of next month as she adamantly refuses to arrange a direct debit and has stated that she will be sorting everything else out first and her phone and board are not a priority.

I am prepared to do the same again as I have today, I've explained that bills get priority and there have been times I've paid electricity bill over buying food to make sure the kids were warm etc but that also falls on deaf ears.

Feel your pain !
My 23 year old has just finished Uni and got first full time job and when I mentioned paying board they looked at me as if I had just asked them to give me all their wages ! Was not happy ! Now had 2 salaries and not offered a penny
I've not said anything again but I am going to as I think that's such a bad attitude and they should contribute something whether I need the money or not
They have had part time jobs throughout uni and have pretty much managed to fund their own social life and expenses without too much help but have helped with things like car ins and bits of clothing here and there and kept a roof over their head and food in their belly so feel a bit mean asking for money but wish they had a different attitude and just offered it as thats what I did with my parents back in the day

Why are you doing all her laundry and everything? That should be prioritised far beyond money if you want her to learn life skills and be an independent adult. Why can't she do her own laundry, clean her own space, help out with household chores, etc.? That's a normal situation for a 16-year-old, not some weird set-up where she's paying you to be her maid.

Our dds are the same age, and have had a really rough ride in lockdown. I am doing my level best to ease the pressure not put more on her. My dd is going to be doing a levels, and we will be funding her throughout, she is working part time to pay for driving lessons. I agree with you there, driving is a life skill.

Personally I think you are charging too much and she is too young. I have read all of your posts, and I still think it is. You can't make her save but you could together set up a savings account, and she could have the choice she either pays you or she puts money in her savings account that is tied up until she is 21 for instance. You could put measures in place to help her do the right thing couldn't you?

At 23 of course dc should be paying their way, my issue is her age and the fact she is still a minor and a child. And when she gets to adulthood, and she has felt supported and cared for and ready, then charge away.

I left home at seventeen and could not get away fast enough - because given the choice between grumpy parents charging me money to live there, or the bright lights of freedom for not much more I choose the later. I was nowhere near ready. I was young, vulnerable and at risk in the situations I was in at times, but I couldn't see it at the time. I was earning money yes, I was managing just about of course, but I was still a child - I did not have the maturity, the foresight or the capacity to understand true responsibility.

I am picking up from you op a real lack of warmth, love and compassion for your dd. You sound very hard nosed where she is concerned. 'Its my way or the highway' thinking. The house of hard knocks. I think it will eventually drive a real and potentially long term wedge between you and your child. If you are happy to do that, keep going, but your dd has a point if she feels you are being harsh, I would agree.