Page 11 | To ask my almost 17YO to pay board?

Icanflyhigh · 2021-09-01T06:57:11+00:00

DD is 17 end of October. She started an apprenticeship earlier in the summer and earns £14.5k per year. Apart from buying herself lunch each day (which she doesn't HAVE to do as there is food available to take from home) she has no other outgoings. I have asked her to contribute £50 per week to the household, for that, she will have all food provided, washing done, all the hot water she can use, lifts to wherever she wants, pretty much whenever she wants them, a lift to and from work each day (we don't live on a bus route) and other usual stuff. Well she's made me feel like the worst mother in the world for asking. I've explained that we've lost her child benefit now, and I'm expecting her dad to stop paying maintenance too (not that his £17 a week makes a huge difference to be fair) but our outgoings have remained the same or increased. On top of that I've asked her to pay her own phone bill. She had a brand new iPhone X in July on the premise that she would pay the bill. We haven't had a penny yet, but its attached to our BT account so if we don't pay it, we screw up our own credit rating. The board I have asked her for will be put straight towards her driving lessons. I've already bought her provisional driving licence and she has a car waiting for when she has passed her test. So AIBU for asking? What would you do if she decides not to pay it? TIA x

SneakyCucumberAction · 04/09/2021 16:01

Cannot believe that some people on here would charge a minor rent. Whatever next, taking a cut out of their paper round pay? If you wanted children then you are legally responsible to clothe, feed, and shelter them up to the age of 18.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 04/09/2021 18:31

@SneakyCucumberAction

Cannot believe that some people on here would charge a minor rent. Whatever next, taking a cut out of their paper round pay? If you wanted children then you are legally responsible to clothe, feed, and shelter them up to the age of 18.

Me neither. I’ve seen many similar posts though re benefits ending and then the child expected to make up the shortfall or leave.

ChargingBuck · 04/09/2021 21:04

Me neither.
I’ve seen many similar posts though re benefits ending and then the child expected to make up the shortfall or leave.

& yet, with all these posts on the subject of money, it never occurs to you that this may be because the household desperately needs £21 a week?

Is that because you'd rather hoik up your judgypants while pointing the finger at these parents' moral fibre?

puffyisgood · 04/09/2021 21:14

given what she's earning, it's an eminently reasonable ask.

Rozziie · 04/09/2021 21:49

@ChargingBuck

Me neither. I’ve seen many similar posts though re benefits ending and then the child expected to make up the shortfall or leave.

& yet, with all these posts on the subject of money, it never occurs to you that this may be because the household desperately needs £21 a week?

Is that because you'd rather hoik up your judgypants while pointing the finger at these parents' moral fibre?

It doesn't matter. It should never, ever be the child's problem. The people who chose to bring the child into the world are responsible.

Funny how OP is so insistent that a child has to pay rent while said child has a father who isn't paying what he should and is instead spending money on holidays. Talk about getting angry with the wrong person!

OP is even angry that the child might have been manipulated by her father by lending him money for the holiday...again blaming the daughter and not the person OP chose to have a child with.

aSofaNearYou · 05/09/2021 08:35

It doesn't matter. It should never, ever be the child's problem. The people who chose to bring the child into the world are responsible.

A lot of people have made this statement so I feel compelled to address it but, "should"? I don't think it's any one person's place to dictate that, regardless of how strong their conviction is. People used to have children with the specific intention of sending them out to work in the fields/pits/shop at 8/10/12. And yes, before you state the obvious, I'm aware that we shouldn't act by the standards if the past. But it does help illustrate that what "should" happen with children is all relative; there is no absolute answer set in stone.

For me, a child above 16 living in a household that is struggling financially contributing a small amount (not even enough to make a dent in what they have available) of their comfortable wage to help the family, is learning valuable skills of maturity, responsibility and not being selfish. A child of that age seeing their family struggling and continuing to not only do nothing to help, but wrack up extensive, avoidable costs for the family and not even cover THOSE, is learning very little. I don't view that as the paragon of a good upbringing.

I don't expect people to agree with this, but it's just not viable to consider your views on what "should" happen with children on a subject like this to be absolute.

HighNoon · 05/09/2021 08:50

Start charging when's she's 18. Let her know how much that will be.

Rozziie · 05/09/2021 10:37

@aSofaNearYou

It doesn't matter. It should never, ever be the child's problem. The people who chose to bring the child into the world are responsible.

A lot of people have made this statement so I feel compelled to address it but, "should"? I don't think it's any one person's place to dictate that, regardless of how strong their conviction is. People used to have children with the specific intention of sending them out to work in the fields/pits/shop at 8/10/12. And yes, before you state the obvious, I'm aware that we shouldn't act by the standards if the past. But it does help illustrate that what "should" happen with children is all relative; there is no absolute answer set in stone.

For me, a child above 16 living in a household that is struggling financially contributing a small amount (not even enough to make a dent in what they have available) of their comfortable wage to help the family, is learning valuable skills of maturity, responsibility and not being selfish. A child of that age seeing their family struggling and continuing to not only do nothing to help, but wrack up extensive, avoidable costs for the family and not even cover THOSE, is learning very little. I don't view that as the paragon of a good upbringing.

I don't expect people to agree with this, but it's just not viable to consider your views on what "should" happen with children on a subject like this to be absolute.

There literally is an answer set in stone. By law, parents are responsible for children under 18. OP's daughter could report her to social services for being made to pay rent at her family home.

Also, they're not struggling financially, are they? That's the point. She's had a new expensive phone and OP was going to fund driving lessons. This isn't a family on a knife edge trying to scrape money together for food.

There are plenty of ways of encouraging a 16-year-old to be sensible and responsible with money than aren't charging them rent. She could cook the dinners, do chores (she should be doing this anyway), OP could encourage her to invest her money or at least put it into savings for a future house purchase. Charging her rent because her father won't contribute is completely unfair.

aSofaNearYou · 05/09/2021 10:46

There literally is an answer set in stone. By law, parents are responsible for children under 18. OP's daughter could report her to social services for being made to pay rent at her family home. Also, they're not struggling financially, are they? That's the point. She's had a new expensive phone and OP was going to fund driving lessons. This isn't a family on a knife edge trying to scrape money together for food. There are plenty of ways of encouraging a 16-year-old to be sensible and responsible with money than aren't charging them rent. She could cook the dinners, do chores (she should be doing this anyway), OP could encourage her to invest her money or at least put it into savings for a future house purchase. Charging her rent because her father won't contribute is completely unfair.

I disagree that it is set in stone as illegal. And in any case I'm not just talking about OPs case. I was specifically responding to you saying it doesn't matter how badly the money is needed, it should never be the child's problem. I think a 16-18 year old on a comfortable wage contributing is better than the family not being able to pay for their bills and food.

I don't think contributing is automatically "paying rent." It is contributing to the expenses of the household, not paying to stay there. In this case it's not even contributing to anything that benefits the rest of the household, it is just being used to cover her own luxuries.

lockdownbabyx · 05/09/2021 11:29

I'm confused by the recent posts on this thread. Has no one read OPs original post? Even though she's called it paying "board", she has clearly stated the money will be paying for the daughters driving lessons.

wedwewerpink · 05/09/2021 11:36

@lockdownbabyx why should she get to decide that though? That's not teaching her dd a lesson at all. (Seen as everyone thinks that her Dd needs to learn a life lesson here! That's just acting as a savings account. I say leave the dd sort herself out...

aSofaNearYou · 05/09/2021 11:39

[quote wedwewerpink]@lockdownbabyx why should she get to decide that though? That's not teaching her dd a lesson at all. (Seen as everyone thinks that her Dd needs to learn a life lesson here! That's just acting as a savings account. I say leave the dd sort herself out...[/quote]
I don't disagree with that, telling her to pay for her own phone and driving lesson is what I would do. But it's still a bit disingenuous to say she's charging her rent, when she's clearly just suggesting filtering her wages into the necessary channels. It's a different debate that's more about control really.

ChargingBuck · 05/09/2021 11:44

OP's daughter could report her to social services for being made to pay rent at her family home.

Pure, unadulterated, mumsnet gold ...

Rozziie · 05/09/2021 11:53

@ChargingBuck

OP's daughter could report her to social services for being made to pay rent at her family home.

Pure, unadulterated, mumsnet gold ...

Yeah hilarious, isn't it?

Vulnerable 16-year-old girl who is already in an abusive relationship, has a dad who's taking advantage of her to 'borrow' money and a mum who wants to take rent off her because her child benefit has stopped and talks about her with scorn and contempt.

What could possibly go wrong here?

aSofaNearYou · 05/09/2021 11:55

Yeah hilarious, isn't it? Vulnerable 16-year-old girl who is already in an abusive relationship, has a dad who's taking advantage of her to 'borrow' money and a mum who wants to take rent off her because her child benefit has stopped and talks about her with scorn and contempt. What could possibly go wrong here?

I don't think the "scorn and contempt" hyperbole is very helpful here. I can't see any evidence of that.

wedwewerpink · 05/09/2021 11:57

I also find it really sad that parents seem to see their dc as a cash cow (for want of a better term) they see them as the ones who entitle them to child benefit/tax credits HOWEVER when that comes to an end they (the parents) then has the audacity to think that the dc should now make up the shortfall.

The way I see it for the OP she is saving money as she now doesn't HAVE to provide, clothing, entertainment, Phone, travel costs etc (unless OP is happy to) but there is no way in gods green earth I think that a 16/17 yr old should pay to live at home. I would just have a frank conversation with her and tell her that NOW is the best time in her life (good enough pay, v little bills/responsibilities) and it would be in her own interest to save as much as possible and if she needs help/motivation in doing so then I would help her.

RandomMess · 05/09/2021 12:08

My DC friend is some high earning tik tok person. When he was 16 he earned £250k whilst his parents were struggling guess he shouldn't have contributed who cares if his parents lost their house 🤷🏽‍♀️

If my DC leave full time education they have to contribute, it's part of life. In reality if in the future they return to education or need help financially we will be there to do everything we can to support them.

For parents that rent on low incomes the have little choice.

Rozziie · 05/09/2021 20:29

@aSofaNearYou

Yeah hilarious, isn't it? Vulnerable 16-year-old girl who is already in an abusive relationship, has a dad who's taking advantage of her to 'borrow' money and a mum who wants to take rent off her because her child benefit has stopped and talks about her with scorn and contempt. What could possibly go wrong here?

I don't think the "scorn and contempt" hyperbole is very helpful here. I can't see any evidence of that.

Where's the love and concern in the posts about her mean boyfriend and the dad who is taking money off her? There isn't any. There's disdain, talking as if the child is an idiot for doing these things.

OP should have a stern word with the father and tell him he'd better not be taking money off his child to go on holiday, not blaming the child! She should be asking herself why her 16-year-old is with a boy who treats her like crap, not be more interested in the money she spends on taxis to go and see him!

ChargingBuck · 05/09/2021 20:46

ChargingBuck

<strong>OP's daughter could report her to social services for being made to pay rent at her family home.</strong>

grin grin grin grin grin

Pure, unadulterated, mumsnet gold ...

Yeah hilarious, isn't it?

Vulnerable 16-year-old girl who is already in an abusive relationship, has a dad who's taking advantage of her to 'borrow' money and a mum who wants to take rent off her because her child benefit has stopped and talks about her with scorn and contempt.

I wasn't guffawing about OP or her DD's situation @Rozziie.
Just hugely entertained by your batshit conviction that SS are remotely bothered about young adults paying a contribution to the family home costs.

Rozziie · 05/09/2021 20:47

@ChargingBuck

ChargingBuck

<strong>OP's daughter could report her to social services for being made to pay rent at her family home.</strong>

grin grin grin grin grin

Pure, unadulterated, mumsnet gold ...

Yeah hilarious, isn't it?

Vulnerable 16-year-old girl who is already in an abusive relationship, has a dad who's taking advantage of her to 'borrow' money and a mum who wants to take rent off her because her child benefit has stopped and talks about her with scorn and contempt.

I wasn't guffawing about OP or her DD's situation @Rozziie.
Just hugely entertained by your batshit conviction that SS are remotely bothered about young adults paying a contribution to the family home costs.

It's not just about the money though, is it?

And BTW, 16 isn't a 'young adult', that's the entire bloody point.

SneakyCucumberAction · 05/09/2021 20:48

@ChargingBuck

Me neither. I’ve seen many similar posts though re benefits ending and then the child expected to make up the shortfall or leave.

& yet, with all these posts on the subject of money, it never occurs to you that this may be because the household desperately needs £21 a week?

Is that because you'd rather hoik up your judgypants while pointing the finger at these parents' moral fibre?

In days of olde it's characters like you that would have the children up the chimneys. Thankfully today minors have the legal system to protect them from abuse and exploitation. The parents brought the child into the world and therefore the parents have a duty of care towards said minor until the age of 18.

CornishPastyDownUnder · 05/09/2021 20:52

you probably need to point out the extras-phone,driving lessons,lifts to work-but im not sure "all the hot water she wants"&"food" can be added? If shes earning14.5k&you've lost a benefit she needs help seeing the economic margin has changed..it may be that she is wise to it&taking the piss,or that she simply hasnt though of the big picture scenario..but either way a contribution or no extras would be my approach..

Original poster

Icanflyhigh · 05/09/2021 21:59

Good god! I've been away for the weekend with no Internet, this is just bloody funny now.

To the TV people - no thanks.
To the papers - find your own bloody news.
To the haters - crack on, you amuse me.
To everyone who has been kind and supportive, thank you its appreciated.

Just to update, board and phone bill are now fully paid.
A direct debit will be set up for next month.
DD and I had a big chat, along with DH and she has agreed we are being entirely reasonable. She'd had it in her ear from her father that I was out to fleece her of all her wages, and only a day after he'd said that to her, I asked her about paying board, so it struck a chord with her.
Having a shitty day last week and having to get a taxi to work, along with the cost, the inconvenience etc did make her realise how good she gets it for 50 quid a week.
She's also asked me about ISA accounts and savings accounts and said she plans to save at least half of her wages each month, which I've said I think is a brilliant idea.
We talked about mortgages, I've told her about deposits etc and with a bigger deposit she can get a better mortgage rate, and also that if she saves hard for a few years, gets a deposit and then a mortgage, she could potentially be mortgage free well before she is 50.

All in all she is now happy, she knows we're not ripping her off and she also said she doesn't expect me to be a housemaid for her which is nice!!!

OP posts:

ChargingBuck · 05/09/2021 22:45

In days of olde it's characters like you that would have the children up the chimneys. Thankfully today minors have the legal system to protect them from abuse and exploitation. The parents brought the child into the world and therefore the parents have a duty of care towards said minor until the age of 18.

You're right @SneakyCucumberAction, I'm a proper Fagin.

Can you point me to the legislation that 'protects children from abuse' by forbidding parents from getting a contribution to living expenses from working children living in the family home please?

It'll come in handy when I next, inevitably, consult with m'learned friends about my criminal child exploitation activities. TIA.

ChargingBuck · 05/09/2021 22:48

Cracking update OP, well done you & DD :)

Although @Rozziie will be along in a minute to inform you that it didn't happen like that.