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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my almost 17YO to pay board?

282 replies

Icanflyhigh · 01/09/2021 07:57

DD is 17 end of October. She started an apprenticeship earlier in the summer and earns £14.5k per year.

Apart from buying herself lunch each day (which she doesn't HAVE to do as there is food available to take from home) she has no other outgoings.

I have asked her to contribute £50 per week to the household, for that, she will have all food provided, washing done, all the hot water she can use, lifts to wherever she wants, pretty much whenever she wants them, a lift to and from work each day (we don't live on a bus route) and other usual stuff.

Well she's made me feel like the worst mother in the world for asking.
I've explained that we've lost her child benefit now, and I'm expecting her dad to stop paying maintenance too (not that his £17 a week makes a huge difference to be fair) but our outgoings have remained the same or increased.

On top of that I've asked her to pay her own phone bill. She had a brand new iPhone X in July on the premise that she would pay the bill. We haven't had a penny yet, but its attached to our BT account so if we don't pay it, we screw up our own credit rating.

The board I have asked her for will be put straight towards her driving lessons. I've already bought her provisional driving licence and she has a car waiting for when she has passed her test.

So AIBU for asking?
What would you do if she decides not to pay it? TIA x

OP posts:
Blueberry40 · 01/09/2021 08:52

I think it’s the word board that’s the problem- I would be uncomfortable asking my child under 18 for board but that’s just me. Can’t you just get her to book and pay for her own driving lessons and phone? Can you encourage her to save some of what she earns instead of paying board?

Life is really tough for young people now and it’s harder than ever to buy a house or just survive so having some savings would be great for her.

Guacamole001 · 01/09/2021 08:54

Most working adults have bills. It's time she lived like everybody else.

Underpaidsnackbitch · 01/09/2021 08:58

YANBU! That's a very decent wage for her age! Asking for her to pay housekeeping / board is a valuable lesson IMO.
Life only gets more expensive and she needs to learn to budget.
I would make her pay for her phone and driving lessons in addition and a bit of petrol money too. It's not like she can't afford it! She will still have a decent amount left over to spend on whatever she wants!

Heyha · 01/09/2021 09:06

I paid board at 18 as I lived at home during uni, I can't remember how much but it was ages ago anyway. And I did all my own housework etc paid for my phone and driving. I don't think I bought my own food as that wouldn't have been very efficient but that was where the board came in.

I think she's getting a good 'package' there but if she can't see it and accept it then I think you're going to have to reframe it and offer a slightly less good 'package'.

She needs to be paying for her own phone and driving lessons if she isn't going to play ball. I think that's perfectly normal for any young person with a bit of income even if hey get help with the car and insurance out of savings or what have you. That will probably cost her/save you not far off what you'd like her to pay in board but life is full of lessons isn't it!!

Given she's earning well I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her make up for the loss of child benefit and maintenance as a result of her getting an apprenticeship. Does it affect any council tax reduction for you? Not that she should necessarily cover that but it would help her see how finances change once you're a house of adults/near enough adults.

As a result of her attitude I'd be dropping the maid service you'd very kindly built into what you've offered her, she can do her own washing!

tickledtiger · 01/09/2021 09:10

I thought from the title you were going to be a bit mean but now I’ve read your post I think you’ll really be doing her a favour. It will help her learn to budget. Also she will appreciate/look after the phone better.

It’s good for kids to learn to be financially conscious, it helps prepare them for the reality of adulthood when it comes crashing in!

seaandsandcastles · 01/09/2021 09:11

Of course YABU. You are asking a 16 year old child to pay to stay in their own home.

You shouldn’t have had kids you can’t pay for.

aSofaNearYou · 01/09/2021 09:12

YANBU and she should already realise she needs to pay you back for the phone.

aSofaNearYou · 01/09/2021 09:13

@seaandsandcastles

Of course YABU. You are asking a 16 year old child to pay to stay in their own home.

You shouldn’t have had kids you can’t pay for.

The 16 year old shouldn't have bought a phone she won't pay for.
TheQueef · 01/09/2021 09:13

YANBU
You are teaching responsibilities and independence imo these skills are essential.

icedcoffees · 01/09/2021 09:18

@seaandsandcastles

Of course YABU. You are asking a 16 year old child to pay to stay in their own home.

You shouldn’t have had kids you can’t pay for.

She's a nearly 17 year old who earns almost 15k per year.

She can afford to contribute £50 a week Hmm

Original poster
Icanflyhigh · 01/09/2021 09:20

@seaandsandcastles

Of course YABU. You are asking a 16 year old child to pay to stay in their own home.

You shouldn’t have had kids you can’t pay for.

HmmHmm

With the exception of @seaandsandcastles ..... thanks all. You've just confirmed what I've felt all along.

So we'll be having an interesting conversation tonight then!

OP posts:
SyIviescup · 01/09/2021 09:21

YANBU

I did this with DD1, my grandmother did this with me also.

We didn't actually need the money and we saved it for when she moved out to give back to her - she didn't know this at the time though. At first she thought we were bleeding her dry Grin

My cousins two eldest kids still live at home 23 & 18, neither give her a penny and she is on benefits. They are both massive piss takers.

seaandsandcastles · 01/09/2021 09:25

@aSofaNearYou Agreed.

@icedcoffees It doesn’t matter if she can afford it or not. She is a child. OP has literally had a child and is now charging that child to live in their own house.

Despicable.

aSofaNearYou · 01/09/2021 09:28

[quote seaandsandcastles]@aSofaNearYou Agreed.

@icedcoffees It doesn’t matter if she can afford it or not. She is a child. OP has literally had a child and is now charging that child to live in their own house.

Despicable.[/quote]
She's effectively charging her for her own phone and driving lessons. If that's despicable your bar is incredibly low.

Backtobacktheyfacedeachother · 01/09/2021 09:30

YANBU
full time student you are getting CB for -rent free.
Earning teen & no CB- pays digs.

Heyha · 01/09/2021 09:31

The child in question will earn more money than my mum does who runs her own house single handedly so hardly think we are in Oliver Twist territory asking her to pay for HER phone and HER driving lessons which is effectively what this money would cover.

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 01/09/2021 09:38

No if she is earning that much it's reasonable to expect her to contribute.

Normally I would say no if it's just a part-time job but she's effectively working full time even if she goes to college one day a week or whatever.

diamondpony80 · 01/09/2021 09:40

DS17 earns about £6k a year part time (he’s still doing A levels) and although I don’t ask for board, he’s paid for his own provisional licence, lessons & car. If you’re putting the money towards her driving lessons anyway then I don’t see a problem.

catless · 01/09/2021 09:41

Tell her to pay for her phone and driving lessons for now then from 18 she pays board.

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 01/09/2021 09:41

@seaandsandcastles

Of course YABU. You are asking a 16 year old child to pay to stay in their own home.

You shouldn’t have had kids you can’t pay for.

Complete nonsense.

A lot can change in the 17 years between having sex and your child being 16 years old!

But in any event, even if I was earning £100k a year, I'd expect a child working full time to contribute to the household bills, even if just a nominal amount.

Peanutsandchilli · 01/09/2021 09:52

A lot of adults don't earn 15k per year, and yet have to contribute to bills etc. I don't think £50 a week is unreasonable.

Pendhxa · 01/09/2021 10:15

She’s 16 and suddenly being asked to pay to stay at her childhood home. Can you not see why that is unexpected to her? And probably a bit upsetting?

You probably should speak as kindly as you can, tell her that you pay loads of bills from your incomings and that you have just lost her child benefit because she’s working so a small contribution from her will fix it. That said, CB is 20 not 50. Plus losing 17 from her father just tells her that he’s washed his hands of her and gives no shits.

GladAllOver · 01/09/2021 10:39

YANBU in the slightest. It's time she understood that growing up brings responsibilities.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/09/2021 10:44

Once I read your OP, you are definitely not being unreasonable!

OhGiveUp · 01/09/2021 10:51

No, YANBU. I used to take 20% of my kids wages for board. For that they got...
All their food and drink.
Their own bedrooms.
Electricity.
Central heating.
WiFi and internet access.
Hot water when they wanted it.
Clean and comfy home.
Laundry done.
Occasional free taxi.
A boomerang £20.
A door key.
Tell me where else I can get all that plus more for only 20% of my wage and I'm moving in.
They have to learn that life has to be paid for.