To ask my almost 17YO to pay board?

[Icanflyhigh]

DD is 17 end of October. She started an apprenticeship earlier in the summer and earns £14.5k per year.

Apart from buying herself lunch each day (which she doesn't HAVE to do as there is food available to take from home) she has no other outgoings.

I have asked her to contribute £50 per week to the household, for that, she will have all food provided, washing done, all the hot water she can use, lifts to wherever she wants, pretty much whenever she wants them, a lift to and from work each day (we don't live on a bus route) and other usual stuff.

Well she's made me feel like the worst mother in the world for asking.
I've explained that we've lost her child benefit now, and I'm expecting her dad to stop paying maintenance too (not that his £17 a week makes a huge difference to be fair) but our outgoings have remained the same or increased.

On top of that I've asked her to pay her own phone bill. She had a brand new iPhone X in July on the premise that she would pay the bill. We haven't had a penny yet, but its attached to our BT account so if we don't pay it, we screw up our own credit rating.

The board I have asked her for will be put straight towards her driving lessons. I've already bought her provisional driving licence and she has a car waiting for when she has passed her test.

So AIBU for asking?
What would you do if she decides not to pay it? TIA x

Shes 16. I think it's grabby that you're asking. 18 yes. But at 16 she can't take on a renting contract anywhere else so she doesn't have a choice.

I think it's nasty of you

@EishetChayil

And if she "decides" not to pay, she can also "decide" to rent a place of her own.

She can't because you have to be 18 to enter into a rental contract

Well she's made me feel like the worst mother in the world for asking.

Then she's just doubled the reasons you now need to insist.
Parents who don;t teach their Dc about the boring practicalities of financing their own lives are not doing those DC any favours.

She's working, she has a lovely chunk of disposable income every month, the least she can do is pay a contribution to her own costs.

Does she know you have bought her a car & will be paying for her lessons? If she does, & is still grumbling about 50 effing quid a week, she needs a kick up the selfish arse.

On top of that I've asked her to pay her own phone bill. She had a brand new iPhone X in July on the premise that she would pay the bill. We haven't had a penny yet, but its attached to our BT account so if we don't pay it, we screw up our own credit rating.

Stop asking & start telling.
She'll find she has NO disposable income if she needs to move out & rent a room. How is it she is old enough to go to work, but not old enough to realise the world (you) doesn't owe her a living?

She’s 16 and suddenly being asked to pay to stay at her childhood home. Can you not see why that is unexpected to her? And probably a bit upsetting?

If it was unexpected, it shouldn't have been.

I suspect this DD has been sheltered, & hasn't had the financial facts of life explained to her.
Why is it upsetting to have to start paying a contribution to your costs when you start working?

@stepupandbecounted

200gbp a month is much too much as well. Max should be 20.00 a week she isn't earning that much!! Especially not if she is running a car. I think you are being quite unfair and sound quite harsh. She is a kid for christ sake. Still a child until she is 18 years old.

I sometimes wonder if a hefty proportion of MN lives in the real world.

The kid is already out-earning many adults, who manage to pay full rent or mortgage & all their own bills, on less than a grand a month.

Being asked for £200 a month, out of over a grand a month, from a family that is housing, feeding, household-choring for, giving lifts, driving lessons & a car to is NOT too much.

She clearly has no idea about how much it costs her mother to house & keep her. For her own sake, it's high time for her to learn that.

50quid a week,!!! bet she spends more than that on buying food everyday,

@Rob949999

I’m 27. My parents were not well off, i worked most nights after school and most weekends from 13. I paid for my own phone, holidays and social life and all cloths that I didn’t get for birthdays or Christmas from 14 I paid for my own car, lessons and insurance and was driving 2 months after I turned 17, I paid for me self to go to a boarding collage (with burseary help and EMA) from 18 (after I graduated I paid £250 a month for board, I bought a house at 22 with 10% deposit £18000, with 100% my own money, from working, the most money I ever received in gifts/inheritances was on my 21st and was £200. I have traveled to 17 countries on holiday (mainly europe + Canada, Cuba) I drive a nice Mercedes, I don’t have finance. I earn £10ph ( but I do mega hours)

Your child needs a reality check, sounds like she has it too easy

I love these "I did it all on my own" stories which conveniently downplay EMAs and bursaries that most people aren't eligible for as well as post-18 cheap room/board at the family home.

OP's child is 16. She is too young to rent a place on her own. She's too young to vote and can't even legally drink. Fair enough for her to pay for her own driving lessons, clothes, toiletries, etc. but basic needs like food and shelter should be covered by her parents, you know, the ones who chose to bring her into the world and are responsible for covering these basic needs?

I don't agree, she is a child.

I would give her some time to save up for her car insurance and let her get used to working first. It looks really grabby jumping in with your demands when she has only just started. Really grabby. If I were her I would be looking to move out and stay with a friend.

There is one thing making a small contribution and quite another shouldering hundreds of pounds at 16 years of age.

@ChargingBuck it's not her concern what it costs her mother to keep her!! She.Is.A.Child.

Just because she's chosen to do an apprenticeship rather than school/college doesn't mean it's OK for her parents to decide they're not going to cover her basic needs anymore. They should tell her to buy her own driving lessons and sort her own phone, but asking for rent money is not OK.

As parents we should be covering the basics until adulthood as a minimum.

If she was in college you would have to fund much more than the house bills and food etc, and if she was doing a degree/masters for many years she would be living with you with no bills, but because she has secured a great apprenticeship she is now going to be punished with some big bills from you (and I would argue working 40+ hours a week and the responsibilities at her age is A LOT to take on)

Back off and give her some support.

YANBU.

Re driving I’d be cautious about fast tracking her lessons too much. She’s young, you sound rural and the nights are drawing in. IME people drive fast on country roads. She’s already learning a new skill in her apprenticeship presumably so trying to drive independently as quickly as possible does sound appealing on one hand but I personally would prefer to see my DC learn a a slower pace and consolidate with a LOT of practice before going it alone.

Good luck to her and to you with the conversation this evening.

[quote Rozziie]@ChargingBuck it's not her concern what it costs her mother to keep her!! She.Is.A.Child.

Just because she's chosen to do an apprenticeship rather than school/college doesn't mean it's OK for her parents to decide they're not going to cover her basic needs anymore. They should tell her to buy her own driving lessons and sort her own phone, but asking for rent money is not OK.[/quote]
This child is old enough to move out, get married, & have her own child.
She also has a job which out-earns many adults.

Not teaching children basic budgeting skills & finance facts is irresponsible & setting them up for failure.

And her parents ARE still covering her basic needs. All they are asking for is a small contribution to them, so that their daughter can become a fully fledged adult who understands the cost of living.

Maybe you come from a wealthy background, but I can assure you that there are millions of families in the UK that simply cannot afford to subsidise their working children. Pearl-clutching about She.Is.A.Child!! doesn't make it any more affordable for those families, so I think a little more thought on the financial realities & a little less moralising might be helpful to OP.

@stepupandbecounted

As parents we should be covering the basics until adulthood as a minimum.

If she was in college you would have to fund much more than the house bills and food etc, and if she was doing a degree/masters for many years she would be living with you with no bills, but because she has secured a great apprenticeship she is now going to be punished with some big bills from you (and I would argue working 40+ hours a week and the responsibilities at her age is A LOT to take on)

Back off and give her some support.

& maybe, like millions of other young adults, this DD won't be doing a degree or a masters because that would be unaffordable for her family.

Not everyone is middle class, with middle class finances.
£50 a week for everything, on a comfortable apprentice salary, is not a punishment ffs.

@stepupandbecounted

As parents we should be covering the basics until adulthood as a minimum.

If she was in college you would have to fund much more than the house bills and food etc, and if she was doing a degree/masters for many years she would be living with you with no bills, but because she has secured a great apprenticeship she is now going to be punished with some big bills from you (and I would argue working 40+ hours a week and the responsibilities at her age is A LOT to take on)

Back off and give her some support.

Not necessarily. I did A levels and a degree and my parents didn't pay a penny. I got a student loan and a part time job and I certainly wasn't living at home having my parents buying my food and paying my bills!

It's not a lot to take in at all. Plenty of young people who stay in full time education have a job on the side to make ends meet, so work far harder.

@ChargingBuck so what? She isn't choosing to do those things, is she? Her parents are still legally responsible for her. And it's very hard to move out as a 16-year-old. In most cases, she would have to be housed by the local authority. And can only get married with parental permission because she's, you know, a child.

No, I'm not from a wealthy family at all. I just think it's disgusting to take rent/food money from a child under 18. I would never dream of it and indeed, it's probably a big part of why I haven't had children myself. I will never think it's OK to charge the child I decided to have for basic survival.

The issue here isn't the amount of money, it's how it's being framed. Telling a 16-year-old they have to pay for their own driving lessons, phone and clothes (assuming she wants fashionable ones) is reasonable. Telling a 16-year-old to pay for room and board, IMO, is not. It would be better to just tell the girl she has to pay for all her 'wants' herself out of her wages rather than charging her for the roof over her head as if it's some kind of privilege.

Well one the one hand if she's unhappy, she can live with her Dad...

On the other hand some of the things you've listed like lifts. Well its not her fault you live in the middle of nowhere. And you were getting her droving lessons for her 17th but now you intend to use her board money for them, that feels a bit 🤨 but I'm not sure why.

I would look at pulling back on what you pay for - clothes, extra bits, toiletries beyond the basics etc. but ultimately if you can't afford to keep her without her CB /tax credits/ CMS I'd look at asking for that - £13 pw for CB and £17 for CMS, what's the drop in tax credits? she is old enough to understand you're skint

If you can afford to keep her, I'd say she pays from the August after she turns 18 / roughly when she'd have left school but talk to her seriously about savings

And it's very hard to move out as a 16-year-old.

Of course it is @Rozziie, Because even renting a room in a houseshare is going to take a couple of hundred a week, & that's before food, travel costs, utilities ...

OP is hardly being mean - she's still subsidising her daughter, who is also being given a car & having driving lessons paid for - as well as having household chores performed for her, her own choice of toiletries provided etc. Just also teaching a lesson about the cost of living.

Nothing immoral about that - but you do you.

This child is old enough to move out if someone will take a tenancy on for her
get married with parental permission
& have her own child always been a weird outlier given the above points
She also has a job which out-earns many adults adult minimum wage full time is over 18k. You can't compare her to someone working part time and decry their lower income

If you are going to use the money to pay for her driving lessons why don't you tell her to pay for the driving lessons herself? Job done surely? She is learning to pay for the things she needs and you don't have to argue over rent.

@ChargingBuck

And it's very hard to move out as a 16-year-old.

Of course it is @Rozziie, Because even renting a room in a houseshare is going to take a couple of hundred a week, & that's before food, travel costs, utilities ...

OP is hardly being mean - she's still subsidising her daughter, who is also being given a car & having driving lessons paid for - as well as having household chores performed for her, her own choice of toiletries provided etc. Just also teaching a lesson about the cost of living.

Nothing immoral about that - but you do you.

Well, the point is, she can't even get a room in a houseshare, can she? She's a child. The council will house her if she's homeless, that's about it.

I grew up with a mother with your mentality and we now have a very fractured relationship. Talking about 'subsidising' a CHILD is gross. In most other countries, parents happily have adult children living at home until well into their twenties and even thirties. I've lived in loads of other places and only in Britain do people seem to think it's OK to treat their children like this.

Do you think people in other countries don't grow up and learn to adult? Of course they do. The tough love mindset and making things even harder than they need to be is unnecessary.

If OP doesn't want to clean up and do chores, that's fine. She doesn't have to do her washing and clean her bedroom. She does, however, have a legal obligation to provide for the child she brought into the world.

From the time I worked full time, (this would meet that) I had to give 1/3 of my earnings to my Mum for board.

FFS, the child is basically earning a full time wage. She's adulting. She needs to learn to pay her way in life. She's now of an age and income to contribute and understand how life works as an adult. Jesus, some of you will raise incapable kids.

@theemmadilemma

FFS, the child is basically earning a full time wage. She's adulting. She needs to learn to pay her way in life. She's now of an age and income to contribute and understand how life works as an adult. Jesus, some of you will raise incapable kids.

She's not an adult though, is she? It's not appropriate to expect your child to pay rent just because they chose to do an apprenticeship rather than keep studying.

Most 16-year-olds are full-time students, so it's hardly making someone 'incapable' if they don't need to pay rent at that age! The girl can still do her own laundry, cooking, pay for her own driving lessons, do housework, etc.

Nobody at my uni had ever paid rent before they moved into halls at 18, and absolutely everyone managed just fine with adulting and getting things done. Weird, that.

It’s really not about the money. It’s about teaching your child to budget, save and understand the value of money. I can afford to take 20% of my son and save it. However if I couldn’t afford to save it on his behalf 20% really doesn’t go far in an all inclusive luxury house plus he gets his washing done.

God no you are not unreasonable at all. I was paying board at 16 when I started work and child allowance stopped.
She has a choice here. She can pay £50 a week to you or go and find somewhere else to live for £50 a week that includes everything she's getting at home. Let her wear herself out trying to prove to you that she can.
Paying bills as you become an adult is something everyone on this planet has to do, she is not exempt.