To ask my almost 17YO to pay board?

[Icanflyhigh]

DD is 17 end of October. She started an apprenticeship earlier in the summer and earns £14.5k per year.

Apart from buying herself lunch each day (which she doesn't HAVE to do as there is food available to take from home) she has no other outgoings.

I have asked her to contribute £50 per week to the household, for that, she will have all food provided, washing done, all the hot water she can use, lifts to wherever she wants, pretty much whenever she wants them, a lift to and from work each day (we don't live on a bus route) and other usual stuff.

Well she's made me feel like the worst mother in the world for asking.
I've explained that we've lost her child benefit now, and I'm expecting her dad to stop paying maintenance too (not that his £17 a week makes a huge difference to be fair) but our outgoings have remained the same or increased.

On top of that I've asked her to pay her own phone bill. She had a brand new iPhone X in July on the premise that she would pay the bill. We haven't had a penny yet, but its attached to our BT account so if we don't pay it, we screw up our own credit rating.

The board I have asked her for will be put straight towards her driving lessons. I've already bought her provisional driving licence and she has a car waiting for when she has passed her test.

So AIBU for asking?
What would you do if she decides not to pay it? TIA x

I would say though that there’s a difference between charging her rent and asking her to fund her own driving lessons.

I don’t have an issue with expecting DC to pay the costs of running a car (as it is optional). But I don’t think it’s acceptable at all to make a 16 year old pay ‘rent’ to live in their own home.

I think it’s perhaps your framing of the whole thing that caused the issue.

I think it's mean. She's still a child! The idea of charging your own child, the child YOU decided to bring into the world, to live in her own house doesn't sit right with me at all.

However, I would also not be funding driving lessons or anything else, really. I think free 'rent' and board is fair, and any extras like driving lessons, holidays or whatever else should be paid for out of her own pocket.

YANBU. She wants to live in your house for free, have everything done for her, have you pay for her phone, get lifts to work, AND keep £15,000 a year to herself?! Sorry but what world is she living in? What the actual fuck?

We've had a similar situation with 18yo. Got a job right after finishing college, earning more than my minimum wage DP, does fuck all in the house, and won't give us a penny. We're struggling, plus DP's child benefit has stopped plus £400 a month maintenance from 18yo's mum.

He is going to uni in a few weeks so that will be a financial relief, but honestly, he eats us out of house and home, has 2 half hour showers every day, does his washing a couple of items at a time (because he resents that I said I wasn't doing his washing anymore as he has more time off than me - he washes items as he needs them, then he tumble dries them rather than hang them out).. and he's stopped visiting his mum now he legally doesn't have to, so he's here 100% of the time yet we're much worse off and really struggling.

And he won't even pick up the odd thing from the shop on his way home from work without asking us for the money when he gets home (after moaning about being asked in the first place).

@Rozziie

I think it's mean. She's still a child! The idea of charging your own child, the child YOU decided to bring into the world, to live in her own house doesn't sit right with me at all.

However, I would also not be funding driving lessons or anything else, really. I think free 'rent' and board is fair, and any extras like driving lessons, holidays or whatever else should be paid for out of her own pocket.

Well it's not her house is it, it's her mum's house. Nobody should be pocketing £15k a year and living for free. Nobody.

@GreenLakes

Tbh I certainly wouldn’t be charging a 16 your old to live in their own home. I don’t know of any parents who do.

Presumably if she hadn’t taken up an apprenticeship, she’d be going to sixth form and then university. In which case, you’d be paying out thousands of pounds.

£14k a year is hardly rolling in it and tbh I don’t see why she should effectively be penalised for choosing to follow an apprenticeship route.

Why would she be paying out thousands of pounds? Uni students take out loans.

This isn’t about needing the money from her as to You clearly don’t based on what she gets already from you.

The introduction of apprenticeship and a wage has raised the issue of contribution and I think that’s the mistake here. You should be using this opportunity to encourage her to start saving and to learn the value of money. A peppercorn rent as such doesn’t do that at all.

I think there is a stronger argument for insisting she contribute towards learning to drive and her car plus perhaps paying for her phone every month. That’s encouraging awareness of budgeting.

If it were me I’d keep some of the money for those things back each month and out to one side for her when she moves out.

Given that you seem to have enough money to spend freely on her now the argument you need £50 a week which doesn’t cover a phone a certain and driving lessons never mind anything else she has cost for years as a kid doesn’t hold water for me.

Perhaps tell her she needs to show you proof she is saving a good chunk of her wages not frittering them away too.

@LindaEllen

You actually think that university loans cover everything and parents don’t have to pay?

Most parents would want to minimise the amount of debt their children accrued at university if they could do so I think. I certainly will be.

It may just be a labelling thing here surely. No way would I pay for phone/car and then ask my 16 year olds to pay for her food ! I’d assume that would feel very confusing for her and a bit as if parental love/support was a bit skewhif. To a 16 year old brain just as she’s starting to earn and be a bit indépendant. I’d for sure start to get her to pay for other things or save rather than for food and bed. She needs to know those are there for her to understand what is core family stuff and what is ‘additional’ choice stuff.
Only saying that here as you are already paying for quite a bit. Doesn’t seem a situation where any income is needed for family to survive type scenario.

@HeronLanyon

It may just be a labelling thing here surely. No way would I pay for phone/car and then ask my 16 year olds to pay for her food ! I’d assume that would feel very confusing for her and a bit as if parental love/support was a bit skewhif. To a 16 year old brain just as she’s starting to earn and be a bit indépendant. I’d for sure start to get her to pay for other things or save rather than for food and bed. She needs to know those are there for her to understand what is core family stuff and what is ‘additional’ choice stuff. Only saying that here as you are already paying for quite a bit. Doesn’t seem a situation where any income is needed for family to survive type scenario.

Exactly my thoughts

I think it's fine to ask for board. But also she needs to learn to use the washing machine and take a turn in cooking. Otherwise she isn't learning to live like an adult.

You are absolutely NBU!!!

I think YANBU based on the fact that she's getting lifts to and from work every day. If she wasn't then I'd probably have said not to ask her to pay anything, but driving is expensive as I'm sure she will soon learn.

YANBU. If she doesn't want to pay, tell her to fund her own transport, etc, and do her own washing. Stop enabling her. Can you cancel the phone?

Op, I would see my children through uni or an apprenticeship because I can but I see nothing wrong with asking for 50 pounds a week especially as you’re still going to be doing so much for your DD as well as everything you listed.

Did I ever let my children keep all that the earned whilst under our roof? No. But I did make it very clear they had to save and if they didn’t save what I suggested was a good amount they’d have to start paying board. They’d never have been told to move out.

It all worked out well here and i hope it does for you too.

@LindaEllen so you think it's OK for a 16-year-old not to be able to consider their parents' home their home?

Things are going to be hard enough for this generation as it is - why make things even harder by making a LITERAL CHILD feel like they need to earn the roof over their head?

I honestly don't understand this country. Why do people have children if they want to kick them out at the earliest opportunity? Parents are still responsible for their under-18 children. I absolutely agree with the child's own money being used to fund 'wants' but it absolutely should not fund her needs.

[quote Cleverpolly3]@LindaEllen

You actually think that university loans cover everything and parents don’t have to pay?

Most parents would want to minimise the amount of debt their children accrued at university if they could do so I think. I certainly will be.[/quote]
Mine didn't really pay even the minimum amount they were supposed to. They just let me struggle and sometimes literally starve. I'm 36 now and still have about 8 grand left on my loans, and that was with working part time throughout uni.

I wish people wouldn't have children if they had no intention of even trying to contribute to them having a happy, productive life. Life can be miserable and difficult already for people not lucky enough to be born into families with wealth and connections. Things are far less equal now than they were even a couple of generations ago. The last thing anyone needs is to be struggling for money more than they have to or feeling like their parents' home isn't home the second they turn 16!

To put it in to context, OP's DD is taking home £1,155 per month.

When I first started working full time I was earning £625 per month (it was 1997!) and offered to pay board. Mum and I agreed at £90 per month. I knew how tight money way at home and wanted to help out, and realised that I was costing my DM money by being at home.

On top of that I had my own car that I bought and paid all the running costs of.

OP's DD can afford £200 per month and still have £955 per month. How many adults do you know with that level of disposable income per month??

How on earth does a 16 year old get 15k on an apprentiship? Of course she should contribute.

Agree just be straight up and say she pays her own phone bill if she wants to keep the phone, and the money is to save for driving lessons. If she'd rather blow it on other things fine, bit the lifts stop.

Completely reasonable OP.

@HopeHappy
This is exactly what my friend said when her son got shirty with her about £50 and him with 400 a week at his disposal.

He moved out and boy did he get a nice shock.
He politely asked to return after 6 months and happily handed over £100 and agreed it was excellent value for a lovely warm room of his own, endless hot running water, a full fridge, laundry facilities and dinner on the go most nights during the winter months.

I think you do a young adult zero favour perpetuating the myth that paying bills is a dirty business for others.

Such delusional thinking makes the future tougher for them than is necessary.

She said moving out was the best thing for him, he honestly had no idea how much it costs to run a home.

YANBU.. it's not really rent anyway .. she's just paying for her own driving lessons and phone. Why not just tell her those are her responsibility rather than call it rent ? ..

@EishetChayil

And if she "decides" not to pay, she can also "decide" to rent a place of her own.

So do you suggest op bags up any belongings of her 17 yo and leaves them on the street or just plain change the locks?

@icedcoffees .. I agree .. my daughter paid 200 a month and her own phone and driving lessons .. I wasn't in a position to pay for it all .. it's actually made her work hard and be ambitious.. she's 24 now and earning a good wage ... she got a first at Uni which she did part time whilst working as well

I’m 27. My parents were not well off, i worked most nights after school and most weekends from 13. I paid for my own phone, holidays and social life and all cloths that I didn’t get for birthdays or Christmas from 14 I paid for my own car, lessons and insurance and was driving 2 months after I turned 17, I paid for me self to go to a boarding collage (with burseary help and EMA) from 18 (after I graduated I paid £250 a month for board, I bought a house at 22 with 10% deposit £18000, with 100% my own money, from working, the most money I ever received in gifts/inheritances was on my 21st and was £200. I have traveled to 17 countries on holiday (mainly europe + Canada, Cuba) I drive a nice Mercedes, I don’t have finance. I earn £10ph ( but I do mega hours)

Your child needs a reality check, sounds like she has it too easy