To ask my almost 17YO to pay board?

[Icanflyhigh]

DD is 17 end of October. She started an apprenticeship earlier in the summer and earns £14.5k per year.

Apart from buying herself lunch each day (which she doesn't HAVE to do as there is food available to take from home) she has no other outgoings.

I have asked her to contribute £50 per week to the household, for that, she will have all food provided, washing done, all the hot water she can use, lifts to wherever she wants, pretty much whenever she wants them, a lift to and from work each day (we don't live on a bus route) and other usual stuff.

Well she's made me feel like the worst mother in the world for asking.
I've explained that we've lost her child benefit now, and I'm expecting her dad to stop paying maintenance too (not that his £17 a week makes a huge difference to be fair) but our outgoings have remained the same or increased.

On top of that I've asked her to pay her own phone bill. She had a brand new iPhone X in July on the premise that she would pay the bill. We haven't had a penny yet, but its attached to our BT account so if we don't pay it, we screw up our own credit rating.

The board I have asked her for will be put straight towards her driving lessons. I've already bought her provisional driving licence and she has a car waiting for when she has passed her test.

So AIBU for asking?
What would you do if she decides not to pay it? TIA x

YABU.
Fair enough that she should pay her own phone bill, transportation and things that she needs to buy for herself, like clothes or toiletries. But pay board to live at home? That's grabby.

As for all those saying she can move out. Seriously? You want a teenage girl to shack up with a first possible boyfriend, or go squatting with some dodgy friends?

I’d let her pay for the driving lessons but no I wouldn’t charge a 16 year old rent just because her child benefit has stopped.

@GreenLakes

I would say though that there’s a difference between charging her rent and asking her to fund her own driving lessons.

I don’t have an issue with expecting DC to pay the costs of running a car (as it is optional). But I don’t think it’s acceptable at all to make a 16 year old pay ‘rent’ to live in their own home.

I think it’s perhaps your framing of the whole thing that caused the issue.

This, I don't charge my dd rent but she paid for her own driving lessons and bought her own car at 18.

@CatsArePeople

YABU. Fair enough that she should pay her own phone bill, transportation and things that she needs to buy for herself, like clothes or toiletries. But pay board to live at home? That's grabby.

As for all those saying she can move out. Seriously? You want a teenage girl to shack up with a first possible boyfriend, or go squatting with some dodgy friends?

This is exactly the sort of scenario that leads to that. If OP wants her daughter to end up in an abusive relationship or getting involved with the wrong sorts of people, making her feel unwelcome in her own home is a great way to go about it. My aunt threw my cousin out at 16 because of some petty rubbish like her not doing enough chores or paying her way, and she ended up pregnant and living with a (much older) narcissist within a few months.

I think a lot of people who think 'tough love' is good parenting later end up wondering why their kids don't talk to them anymore or visit. A lot of them seem to end up in the worst and cheapest care homes too. Funny that. It goes both ways.

Yanbu.
I was charged about 60% of my take home pay when I was that age and it certainly wasnt put aside for me.

My parents were rubbish with money.....I've always been pretty good with money, because of them I think. I think it's a good lesson to learn. I intend on doing similar with my dd if she hangs around long enough, but I will save it for her....mostly 😉

As for all those saying she can move out. Seriously? You want a teenage girl to shack up with a first possible boyfriend, or go squatting with some dodgy friends?

No, @CatsArePeople. We want her to realise what a great set up she has at home, & learn about what life costs. Asking her to consider what it would cost a young adult to live independently illustrates the bargain she is getting at home, & what a lucky girl she is to be bought a car etc.

We want her to realise what a great set up she has at home, & learn about what life costs.

Plenty of young people happily ditch "great setup" for "independence" in a shitty relationship or chaotic living (with illegal substances and petty crime). Teenagers aren't known for reasonable judgement.

I think a lot of people who think 'tough love' is good parenting later end up wondering why their kids don't talk to them anymore or visit

I know.

From the daughters point of view, imagine being told now there’s no government money you need to make up the shortfall and double it to continue to live at home as a child. That’s how I would view it if I were her.
Picking up her phone and lesson costs is one thing, paying rent to live at home with parents quite another.

No I absolutely would not charge her rent on £14.5k a year!
Yes to paying her own phone bill etc but she needs all the help she can get for when she’s in her 20s.
17 is still young, I can’t imagine anyone who is saying let her stay somewhere else has older children!
What’s the point in taking money from your DC only to save it for them?
Surely they need to learn how to save for themselves.
If they spend it all in rubbish, they soon learn.

Some people have had crap childhoods with very little support and wish to keep continuing the hardship cycle because 'why should they have it any easier' therefore guaranteeing the shit parenting/deprivation/poverty continues in their families.

What a wonderful legacy to pass on to your children yet more 'tough love' will be meted out. And apparently no emotional intelligence or awareness by these posters of what they are actually doing.

Why on earth would having a car be a good idea? They are extremely expensive to run, strongly recommend you get rid of that as an unnecessary expense. And yes she should pay for her own phone, anything else at 17 seems tough unless you really can’t manage financially.

Yep if they are earning money, they need to contribute. Its not necessarily for our benefit, its so they start getting used to having responsibilites and bills. My 18 yr old pays 10% of her pay per week board (about $50) plus $50 a week to pay off half of the car we bought her (that'll only take about another 7 months) Plus pays her car insurance and phone bill monthly. Shes more than happy with this.

Encouraging her to get her driving licence asap is a great life skill in her pocket and money very well spent.

@Jangle33

Why on earth would having a car be a good idea? They are extremely expensive to run, strongly recommend you get rid of that as an unnecessary expense. And yes she should pay for her own phone, anything else at 17 seems tough unless you really can’t manage financially.

We live rurally 1.5 miles from a main road with a bus route. She NEEDS to be able to drive ASAP. We've lived here for over 12 years, it isn't like we moved here recently.

Your daughter earns more than me (albeit I work part time and am a single parent, but even so). I've told my children that if they leave school and decide not to carry onto further education they will be expected to get a job and contribute to the household costs. I won't be able to afford to do this after losing child tax and benefit.

Varied responses..... Nice to get balance.

We had a chat last night. She'd told her dad I was charging £150! A WEEK, which explains why he was being so shitty.

Upshot is, she's decided she'll pay what I used to pay which was £25 a week and nothing more - despite me then being on less than half of what she earns now.

She will only give it to me in cash, she won't set up a direct debit and make a transfer either weekly or monthly.

And despite being paid on Tuesday this week (2 days ago) she can't afford to pay it this month.
So unfortunately for her I have prioritised my youngest two DC and they are having a much needed lie in this morning. Meanwhile she will be late for work having spent 25 quid getting there by taxi.

She will cut her nose off to spite her face, and it will be her loss - though I'm aware we might be in for a rough few days of tantrums and moods.

For all of those going on about driving lessons, the plan was always to pay for some driving lessons for her 17th birthday. Her paying board would have enabled us to pay for more for her, but it seems the general consensus is that I shouldn't be doing that, so I'll leave it with her.

I can guarantee she will squander her wages on takeaway, cinema trips and taxis to see her boyfriend (who treats her like shit).

And there was me trying to be a responsible parent and teach her some life skills. Ah well, can't win 'em all!

I have to say I wouldn’t ask mine to give me a bean, ever. I’d make sure they were saving some of their pay though.

@Fr0thandBubble

I have to say I wouldn’t ask mine to give me a bean, ever. I’d make sure they were saving some of their pay though.

She would rather pay for taxis here there and everywhere than be honest with me about savings and what she has spent.

I actually have a sneaking suspicion she's lent money to her dad to pay for his holiday abroad which is why she doesn't want me to see her accounts. More fool her if she has as she will never see it again.

Yanbu- that is a lot of money for someone that age to earn. Why does she think it's ok for you to be out of pocket?!

Don't let her make you feel guilty - she needs to grow up a bit!!

I actually have a sneaking suspicion she's lent money to her dad to pay for his holiday abroad which is why she doesn't want me to see her accounts. More fool her if she has as she will never see it again.

He would take money from his teenage daughter to pay for his holiday, I’d be very angry about that. I know she’s being challenging at the moment, but I’d want to protect her from that.

Yanbu, and after reading your latest updates, definitely let her go ahead and spend all her money on taxis and eventually fund her own driving lessons. You're not obliged to give her lifts, she has somewhere safe and warm to live, clothing and food and drink. If she can't afford anything else, tough.
Fwiw, I'd have been happy to contribute if I was in her position, she'll regret it when she's skint after paying full whack for driving lessons!

My dd is earning just under £10000 and I ask for £100 a month. She pays her own phone and her driving lessons. It's a lot cheaper than a place of her own. I do feel mean but then without asking she'd have hundreds a month to do with what she wants. Life is not like that, I don't get to do it.

God, I feel so, so sorry for your daughter, OP.

Stuck in a rural area because YOU decided to move there and late to work because you're refusing to drive her in to teach her a lesson. What if she loses her job now? Great lesson! That'll learn her, eh?

You're short of money mostly because her dad won't pay maintenance. Instead of blaming him for that, or yourself for picking such a crap father for your child, that's her problem as well now.

I'm not surprised her boyfriend treats her like crap - look at the sort of people she has in her life! A dad who you think is exploiting her for money (and you're blaming your child for this, not your ex) and a hard mother who talks about her with contempt even though most people would be very proud to have a daughter who has landed a decent apprenticeship in a pandemic.

The lack of self awareness brings tears to my eyes, honestly. Everything is someone else's fault or problem, never yours. Can't wait for when you're posting here in six months about how your daughter is pregnant, unemployed, and living with her abusive boyfriend and how stupid and selfish she is, without even a hint of acknowledgement of what you did wrong.

@stepupandbecounted

Some people have had crap childhoods with very little support and wish to keep continuing the hardship cycle because 'why should they have it any easier' therefore guaranteeing the shit parenting/deprivation/poverty continues in their families.

What a wonderful legacy to pass on to your children yet more 'tough love' will be meted out. And apparently no emotional intelligence or awareness by these posters of what they are actually doing.

Yep. Bang on. It's actually sickening to read.

YABU,
You don’t need the money for household bill, because you’ve said it will all be used to pay for her driving lessons.

She is not an adult, but still a child so your responsibility to feed, clothe, house and educate.

I would simply tell her she needs to pay for her phone and driving lessons and leave it at that. Taking money off her doesn’t teach her to budget at all because you’re doing it for her.