To ask my almost 17YO to pay board?

[Icanflyhigh]

DD is 17 end of October. She started an apprenticeship earlier in the summer and earns £14.5k per year.

Apart from buying herself lunch each day (which she doesn't HAVE to do as there is food available to take from home) she has no other outgoings.

I have asked her to contribute £50 per week to the household, for that, she will have all food provided, washing done, all the hot water she can use, lifts to wherever she wants, pretty much whenever she wants them, a lift to and from work each day (we don't live on a bus route) and other usual stuff.

Well she's made me feel like the worst mother in the world for asking.
I've explained that we've lost her child benefit now, and I'm expecting her dad to stop paying maintenance too (not that his £17 a week makes a huge difference to be fair) but our outgoings have remained the same or increased.

On top of that I've asked her to pay her own phone bill. She had a brand new iPhone X in July on the premise that she would pay the bill. We haven't had a penny yet, but its attached to our BT account so if we don't pay it, we screw up our own credit rating.

The board I have asked her for will be put straight towards her driving lessons. I've already bought her provisional driving licence and she has a car waiting for when she has passed her test.

So AIBU for asking?
What would you do if she decides not to pay it? TIA x

At 16 that's a great wage! What is the apprenticeship can I ask? She is going to have a real shock when she starts living on her own if she's used to having a huge disposable income, I think you should take more from her. You can always put some in a bank account to put towards a deposit on a place (unless she is already doing this herself and saving a good chunk of her earnings.)

@OhGiveUp

No, YANBU. I used to take 20% of my kids wages for board. For that they got... All their food and drink. Their own bedrooms. Electricity. Central heating. WiFi and internet access. Hot water when they wanted it. Clean and comfy home. Laundry done. Occasional free taxi. A boomerang £20. A door key. Tell me where else I can get all that plus more for only 20% of my wage and I'm moving in. They have to learn that life has to be paid for.

Thank you @OhGiveUp that really does put it into perspective.

I'm dreading having the conversation with her this evening and I'm actually tempted to just print this whole thread and give it to her to read.

I’d be considering charging her more tbh, even if you don’t need to then it can go towards her driving lessons (as you have already planned) and anything else that might come up.

Separately, she’d be paying for her own phone, no discussion. If she won’t pay you directly, I’d have it blocked so she can’t use it and she can get her own, possibly payg phone (not sure if you have to be 18 and over to get your own contract?) and have to pay for that. She needs a reality check.

They also got extras such as toiletries, san pro and loo roll 🙂 don't forget to add those.

I too was thinking this just seemed mean in the absence of real money problems. Then reading actually you are finding loads of unnecessary things for her so I’ve changed my mind.
Why on earth is there a car waiting for her if you are wanting to charge her for food though ? Can’t quite wrap my head around that outlay/charge.
In many set ups I’d say this was a bit much - she’s 16 ! I’d be far more likely to open savings for her and encourage her to stash some away.

YANBU at all!! At 17 I was still at school and had to pay for my phone, driving lessons, holidays, and most other things I wanted out of money I earned from a part time waitressing job after school.

I remember that the driving lesson were about £25 per hour, and I was earning about £4.25 an hour. It was tough, but I learnt how to manage money.

going against the grain but I think YABU. She is under 18 and I don't think she should have to pay board at that age. Having said that, I think it would be reasonable to say she should pay for her driving lessons and her phone contract out of her earnings, as well as things like majority of clothing - if she chooses not to then she doesn't get those things. (Would still provide basic clothing though). But I don't think you can charge a teenager for essentials I.e food, shelter, clean clothes etc

Usually I'd say you're bu but if you're paying for everything then I think it's fair.

@icedcoffees

I think you've spoilt her too much - why are you paying for a brand new iPhone, a car and driving lessons when she's earning 15k a year?

If she wants those things, she can sort them and pay for them herself. She can contact instructors and book/pay for lessons. She can get herself a cheap phone if she can't get a contract and pay for it out of her salary.

She doesn't need a car at seventeen years old - she can have lessons and pay for a cheap runaround if she wants it.

And she should be paying rent ON TOP of those things. £200 a month for food, bills and rent is nothing. Don't make it cover driving lessons too. Mine cost almost £50 a week for a two hour lesson - it's not cheap.

This exactly. I didn't want to sound rude, but she does sound quite spoilt. You shouldn't be paying for phones, cars, driving lessons etc when she's earning her own money.

If this is the attitude she has now, she's really going to struggle in a few years. Why does she thinks it's acceptable not to contribute, especially for her own phone? She sounds spoilt honestly and like she needs some lessons in independence and responsibility. It's not being mean, it's a reality check.

I know shes getting pelters here but i dont think she deserves them. Youve not taught her the value of money, or the value of you op. Why does she have a car sitting waiting for her??? Shes spoiled, spoiled by you and now youre getting huffy about it. Acknowledge your own faults here before printing off a thread to show her

That's far too much. I would say £50 a month.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for a contribution towards good and board. But that's not what you're doing. What you are doing is deciding how part of her earnings should be used; ie saved for driving lessons. That's her decision to make.

By all means charge rent if you want to but leave funding of driving reasons - and phones - for her to figure.

Her money, her choice. If she squanders it, so be it.

• lessons not reasons

My 18 yo starts an apprenticeship next week and I'm not asking him for any contribution. He will take over paying for his phone contact and the fuel, insurance and maintenance for his car.

Thanks all, I should clarify re the car. My mum has given her a car - she's unable drive any more through ill health and it seems daft to have it sat there doing nothing when DD could use it. That said, she has mentioned it isn't the car she would choose for herself and has been looking at other options to buy herself a car.

She will be paying her own insurance, I've explained how expensive it is and the car from my mum will be about as cheap as it gets for a 17YO new driver- though still extortionate!!

Me and her stepdad agreed to the new phone as her contract was up for renewal, it was a good deal and the caveat was that she paid for it.

Now, IF she was still at 6th form or college and doing a part time job, I wouldn't have even considered this, but as it is, she has landed a very good apprenticeship with a brilliant salary attached for her age and I want to do the right thing with teaching her about budgeting and finance.

She is working 40 hours a week, with the training element all in house.

Yes I'll admit she has been a bit spoilt but we've done the best we can for all three DC, and always will.

With regard to paying for her driving lessons, it was always planned that she would have driving lessons for her 17th birthday and that hasn't changed, but if we use her board money towards that too, then we can potentially afford an intensive course for her with a test at the end of it - and providing she passes that test, she could be on the road by Xmas. That means I don't have to make the twice daily journey to take her and pick her up from work, as well as making sure her younger siblings are both in school on time.

As I said before, we don't live on a bus route, it's a minimum of a 1.5 mile walk to the main road to get a bus, there are no pavements or street lights for much of this so it isn't safe to make her walk for a bus.

This is not about making money out of my child, this is about teaching her how to budget and manage her finances.

Once the driving lessons are paid, future months board will go into a savings account and will be used either as we need them for the household, or to make the load a little lighter at Xmas/birthdays etc.

We are a family of 5, we both work full time (me and DH), but neither of us are massively high earners.

I should also point out that exH has continued to pay maintenance as directed by CMS, at a total of £51 to be split between 3DC. I don't have any conversation with him re this, and I won't challenge him if/when he stops paying it.

I refuse to pay for DD to buy lunch at the office every day, there is always food at home she can make herself a packed lunch with. I/DH continue to cook an evening meal for all of us every day and we are quite happy to accommodate her boyfriend too when he stays here.

Her washing gets done with ours, and I can't imagine not doing it or withholding detergent etc. I also make sure she has the toiletries she likes too, decent shampoo etc.

I wish I could get all of this for 50 quid a week!

My dd is the same age, and they are very young at sixteen to be paying board, in my view. I would ask her for a small contribution and then save it for her into a savings account to be given to her at 25 years old with a view to putting it towards a deposit for a house etc.

I would let her enjoy the feeling of having her own money, small contribution to the house and she needs to be doing her own washing anyway and running her life preparing for independence.

200gbp a month is much too much as well. Max should be 20.00 a week she isn't earning that much!! Especially not if she is running a car. I think you are being quite unfair and sound quite harsh. She is a kid for christ sake. Still a child until she is 18 years old.

So sorrynop I hadn’t read an update te need for car.
I think I’d try to rejuges what you lay for so at 16 she isn’t being asked to lay for her basic needs such as food. That may well feel, to a young mind, as hard. Same good message about financial responsibility would be maybe less linked with basic needs if it were connected to eg driving lessons or her phone which she could pay for for herself ? Plus some into a savings account.

@icedcoffees

I think you've spoilt her too much - why are you paying for a brand new iPhone, a car and driving lessons when she's earning 15k a year?

If she wants those things, she can sort them and pay for them herself. She can contact instructors and book/pay for lessons. She can get herself a cheap phone if she can't get a contract and pay for it out of her salary.

She doesn't need a car at seventeen years old - she can have lessons and pay for a cheap runaround if she wants it.

And she should be paying rent ON TOP of those things. £200 a month for food, bills and rent is nothing. Don't make it cover driving lessons too. Mine cost almost £50 a week for a two hour lesson - it's not cheap.

This...

I had to pay for my own lessons and car and I only had a Saturday job!!

YANBU, I moved back home for a bit when I was 21 and was earning £21k whilst spending £400 on my commute a month and I paid my mum and dad £200 a month, because I'm a grown up with money 🤷🏼‍♀️ my mum and dad saved the money I gave them and gave it back to me when I moved out again but I didn't expect them to do that, if she doesn't pay her way a bit how will she learn, she could always move out and be charged much more than £50 a week!

I wouldn't take £50 a week off a 17yr old for board and lodge. The bills would need paying regardless.

What I would do is make them pay for all their own treats etc. So before a salary parents would be giving them money every time they go out, that obviously would stop. Board and lodge seems a bit ott though imo.

This has made it to The Sun already, well actually did 2 hrs ago just saw it while scrolling through fb

When my DD was getting cross about paying board she looked into moving out.

She quickly realised what a bargain she was getting 🤣

All your DD is actually covering is the lost child benefit, maintenance and covering her phone bill!

Tbh I certainly wouldn’t be charging a 16 your old to live in their own home. I don’t know of any parents who do.

Presumably if she hadn’t taken up an apprenticeship, she’d be going to sixth form and then university. In which case, you’d be paying out thousands of pounds.

£14k a year is hardly rolling in it and tbh I don’t see why she should effectively be penalised for choosing to follow an apprenticeship route.