Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Am I a rude friend or am I the only mom of the group?

170 replies

Samafe · 31/08/2021 14:49

Last week I was one of the bridesmaids at a wonderful wedding. I am now 8 months pregnant and have a DS which is 2yo. DH was also invited. The wedding was abroad, so I brought my DS with us.

I was the only one with kids amongst my friends at that wedding. (All college friends, last time I saw them all together was pre covid).

As bridesmaid I had few "duties" before, during and after the ceremony and I paid big attention to do everything that was requested - leaving DS to DH so that he would not create any disruption.

The rest of the time, DH and I both looked at DS, which is a very active toddler so he was running around, asking for me etc. I did my best to dedicate time and attention to my friends but often failed because I had to go run after my DS, or help him eat, etc.

Also being 8 months pregnant, I tried to avoid the overcroded areas inside and preferred sitting outside to lower covid risk - while they were always gathering around the wine area which was super loud and crowded.

We left the wedding at 11.45 PM, while the wedding went on until 4 AM with Disco Music etc.

During the day I noticed my friends being irritated by the fact that I had sometimes to cut discussions short because DS was calling me, or irritated because the buggy was "ruining" the pictures, my dress was dirty at the end of the evening because the cake landed on it etc.
Please Note all the comments never came from the bride, only from other guests.

The day after, I contacted my friends if we wanted to meet for breakfast (we were all staying in the same hotel) and they were really cold. We met anyway and they told me I was rude, I was always distracted by my DS, I am not the same person I was before having kids, I should have stayed with them until 4 AM instead of cutting the night short, I was ruining pictures because I was always carring around my purse, I should have sit down with them inside instead of sitting outside in the garden, my bridesmaid dress was a mess etc

I was honestly really surprised to hear that, It was the first time spending time with them since a while, I normally hang out more with other friends with kids and never had problems.

I apologized to them but felt really alone and sad.

I wonder now: was I really rude? Should I have handled this differently?

My DH thinks that once they will have kids they will look back at that wedding night and realize I did the best I could, but I am afraid I am maybe so used to be a mom that I did not realize I was behaving poorly.

OP posts:

KatherineJaneway · 31/08/2021 18:44

I was always distracted by my DS Reasonable
I am not the same person I was before having kids Unreasonable
I should have stayed with them until 4 AM instead of cutting the night short Unreasonable
I was ruining pictures because I was always carring around my purse Reasonable
I should have sit down with them inside instead of sitting outside in the garden Reasonable
my bridesmaid dress was a mess Reasonable

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 31/08/2021 18:55

Honestly if they ever have kids they will look back and be like 'ohhhhhh so I get it now!'. Life is different and it can be hard to understand being on the other side of that major life change. But one day they'll get it and face palm themselves hopefully.

itsgettingwierd · 31/08/2021 18:56

Well you're not the person you were before. You're a mum and pregnant. Something you chose and it sounds like you're doing a fantastic job by putting your child and unborn first.

I'd just ask them how they think they'd handle a wedding abroad in the middle of a pandemic with a toddler and babe in utero! I'd be interested to hear their unrealistic responses

PlateSpinnerJuggler · 31/08/2021 19:19

8 months pregnant and out til 1145pm!!!! That is impressive.... they are clueless and will understand in time!
The only thing you did wrong was to apologise...

ddl1 · 31/08/2021 21:47

They are incredibly rude to complain about your not staying with them till 4 a.m.! If you have a young child AND are heavily pregnant, you obviously can't do so. I wonder if they were drunk/ suffering from hangovers when they made these complaints?

The only think that maybe you could have done differently is warn them in advance (but maybe you did warn the bride?) that you had a 2-year-old who demands a lot of attention from you, and that this might sometimes distract you from the socializing; and perhaps that if this were likely to create a big problem you could leave him at home with your dh. but this would mean that dh could not attend the wedding. If you were invited with your son, after this warning, certainly no one would have a right to complain.

It may be that the guests were not aware that a 2-year-old is likely to demand more attention, and be harder to control in this respect than an older child or possibly even a baby.

But nothing can excuse their rudeness!

But nothing can e

ddl1 · 31/08/2021 21:50

And it might have been a bit inappropriate if you'd included the buggy in official photos, but in 'candid' ones? They really are rude to carp about that!

Cherrysoup · 31/08/2021 22:03

They’re shit friends. You made the effort to travel abroad at 8 months pregnant and stayed up til almost midnight-you have more stamina than me!

gingerbiscuits · 31/08/2021 22:25

Wow! They are NOT friends! They sound like utter arseholes!! You did NOTHING wrong at all! You bust a gut trying to please everyone & be a great bridesmaid/mum/wife whilst being 8mths pregnant- you deserve a bloody medal! Sod them - move on & spend time with people that appreciate you.

Givemethatknife · 31/08/2021 22:43

Just focus on the fact you will have the last laugh..

How old are they though?! They do sound like twats

Jubilate · 31/08/2021 22:52

Yep, enjoy the certainty that in a few years their own words will come back to them and they will feel like utter arses. I speak from (a bit less mean) experience.

MindyStClaire · 01/09/2021 00:45

The thoughts of a wedding with a two year old and eight months pregnant brings me out in a cold sweat, fair play to you OP.

Your friends are dicks. I'm definitely one of those who didn't get it until I had DC of my own, but I got enough to realise that of course your DS needed you.

We have a three year old and a one year old. If we were invited to a wedding and DH was best man, I would of course look after them while he did all the formal best man stuff. But if he thought I would look after them solo all day long so he could party with his friends while I was run ragged he'd be disabused of that notion fairly quickly.

Two year olds interrupt and want their mum. They also come with stuff like a buggy, a bag and sticky fingers that you never quite get to before they touch something. None of this is news, even to most without children.

Again, your friends are dicks.

KihoBebiluPute · 01/09/2021 00:58

At 8 months pregnant I would have been in bed by 9:30 so you did brilliantly to make it it to nearly midnight.

Your "friends" don't actually seem to care about your wellbeing at all. I am not sure they are actually "friends". Real friends would have understood the additional pressures on you and would be cutting you plenty of slack and appreciating that you did your best.

Brokensunflower · 01/09/2021 06:22

Hhmm I think this is a mixture. It's ridiculous getting annoyed at you for not partying all night and accidently dropping cake on yourself.

However, your husband could have watched your toddler as you were bridesmaid. There is nothing more annoying than trying to have a conversation with someone who is constantly more interested in their child than the conversation. Obviously you need to know they are safe but really you need to teach them to wait and not interrupt. also there is nothing ruder than talking to someone whose eye gaze is off to the left watching their toddler rather than listening.

Only this weekend my husband and I were with friends that kept doing it to us and we commented about it in the way home. we got to the point where we just stopped bothering to say anything as they didn't listen anyway.

sammylady37 · 01/09/2021 06:26

@Jubilate

Yep, enjoy the certainty that in a few years their own words will come back to them and they will feel like utter arses. I speak from (a bit less mean) experience.

Certainty? What makes you think these women want (and will have) children? Not ever woman wants to procreate, you know.

Bluntness100 · 01/09/2021 07:10

I did my best to dedicate time and attention to my friends but often failed because I had to go run after my DS. I tried to avoid the overcroded areas inside and preferred sitting outside,,- while they were always gathering around the wine area (inside). I noticed my friends being irritated by the fact that I had sometimes to cut discussions short because DS was calling me

I think these comments paint a picture, and possibly why they felt your behaviour was rude. I’m sure it’s both sides, but I suspect there is something that caused them to react.

Simplelobsterhat · 01/09/2021 08:03

@MindyStClaire

The thoughts of a wedding with a two year old and eight months pregnant brings me out in a cold sweat, fair play to you OP.

Your friends are dicks. I'm definitely one of those who didn't get it until I had DC of my own, but I got enough to realise that of course your DS needed you.

Again, your friends are dicks.

I'm glad someone else thought that about roles reversed! I was beginning to wonder if I was just me! People keep saying it's annoying to be interrupted by a toddler so the DH should step in, but these are her friends not the bride so why does her being bridesmaid mean they should be prioritised over her family?

Might be different if it is the bride complaining. Have you heard from the bride OP? How do you think things stand with her? However, even if the bride does agree, she ought to be more considerate of your situation - asking someone to be bridesmaid does not entitle you to a robot with no needs of their own for the day (or indeed for the rest of the bridesmaid's family to suddenly become flawless humans!).

The main thing I keep thinking about is how little concern they had for the comfort of an 8 month pregnant friend! Expecting you to sit where the clique chose, stay up later than most non pregnant people do and then making you feel like crap for not being Instagram perfect. I really can't understand how people are defending them...

Di11y · 01/09/2021 08:35

Even without the toddler the fact you're 8 months pregnant excuses you from nearly everything to be expected of you. Can't believe she expected you out til 4!

Confiscatedpopit · 01/09/2021 08:39

They sound silly, self-absorbed and immature OP. I’d bin them off and wait for them to grease up to you when they become ‘the first woman ever to give birth’ in a few short years.

Confiscatedpopit · 01/09/2021 08:44

Brokensunflower- might be presuming here but why do I get the feeling you’d be the first to complain if the same toddler damaged something or themselves? Toddlers simply need a lot of watching hence the constant one eye on them- it’s not a choice. They are always on the verge of doing something absolutely thick and dangerous!
And I say this as someone who HATES little darlings who interrupt adult conversations and then get pandered to.

sammylady37 · 01/09/2021 10:53

@Confiscatedpopit

They sound silly, self-absorbed and immature OP. I’d bin them off and wait for them to grease up to you when they become ‘the first woman ever to give birth’ in a few short years.

Yet again the assumption that these women will have children in the future. Not every woman wants to have children, and some of those who want to won’t be able to.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7