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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a rude friend or am I the only mom of the group?

170 replies

Samafe · 31/08/2021 14:49

Last week I was one of the bridesmaids at a wonderful wedding. I am now 8 months pregnant and have a DS which is 2yo. DH was also invited. The wedding was abroad, so I brought my DS with us.

I was the only one with kids amongst my friends at that wedding. (All college friends, last time I saw them all together was pre covid).

As bridesmaid I had few "duties" before, during and after the ceremony and I paid big attention to do everything that was requested - leaving DS to DH so that he would not create any disruption.

The rest of the time, DH and I both looked at DS, which is a very active toddler so he was running around, asking for me etc. I did my best to dedicate time and attention to my friends but often failed because I had to go run after my DS, or help him eat, etc.

Also being 8 months pregnant, I tried to avoid the overcroded areas inside and preferred sitting outside to lower covid risk - while they were always gathering around the wine area which was super loud and crowded.

We left the wedding at 11.45 PM, while the wedding went on until 4 AM with Disco Music etc.

During the day I noticed my friends being irritated by the fact that I had sometimes to cut discussions short because DS was calling me, or irritated because the buggy was "ruining" the pictures, my dress was dirty at the end of the evening because the cake landed on it etc.
Please Note all the comments never came from the bride, only from other guests.

The day after, I contacted my friends if we wanted to meet for breakfast (we were all staying in the same hotel) and they were really cold. We met anyway and they told me I was rude, I was always distracted by my DS, I am not the same person I was before having kids, I should have stayed with them until 4 AM instead of cutting the night short, I was ruining pictures because I was always carring around my purse, I should have sit down with them inside instead of sitting outside in the garden, my bridesmaid dress was a mess etc

I was honestly really surprised to hear that, It was the first time spending time with them since a while, I normally hang out more with other friends with kids and never had problems.

I apologized to them but felt really alone and sad.

I wonder now: was I really rude? Should I have handled this differently?

My DH thinks that once they will have kids they will look back at that wedding night and realize I did the best I could, but I am afraid I am maybe so used to be a mom that I did not realize I was behaving poorly.

OP posts:
ThePie1 · 31/08/2021 15:45

I think you all are tbh.
I've been to a wedding with my 1.5 year old and left super early etc. I'd go mad if someone complained about me leaving early and caring for my Toddler etc..
But, you were a Bridesmaid. You sat outside and from what I read, were really anti-social. You've made it sound like you didn't want to be there and it more than likely showed. I'd be miffed about you doing that.

Mousecapade · 31/08/2021 15:45

I lost all my school friends similarly because of my kids. They would expect me to go along to £50 ticket club nights on Thursdays etc. They all have kids now but we are no longer friends.

MyCatDribbles · 31/08/2021 15:47

Where was your husband in all this?

PurpleDaisies · 31/08/2021 15:47

@TheLovelinessOfDemons

Looking after your DS is not being rude. It's what being a parent is, until they're old enough to look after themselves.
The child was with the other parent.
Driftingblue · 31/08/2021 15:49

Your friends sound like those kind of boring people who think the party is more interesting than real life. Some of them will eventually grow up and realize how badly they treated you.

Icecreamsoda99 · 31/08/2021 15:50

The bride and groom have not complained so the rest can get in the sea, you went to a wedding abroad at 8 month pregnant and played an active role, kudos to you, I wouldn't have.

Not sure about the buggy, I'm guessing these weren't the official shots? Two year olds interupt, they are also unreasonable, perhaps OP thought it was better to attend to the child who wanted her, rather than use it as the time to demonstrate "good" behaviour and risk a tantrum at the wedding.

talkmethrough · 31/08/2021 15:50

Op's husband can look after the toddler all he wants but once the toddler sees his mother around, of course the toddler is going to go to his mother for attention. It's not the same as leaving the husband and toddler at home alone. They are all in the same setting so op can't avoid her toddlers needs no matter how much the DH looks after the lo nor would the lo would understand and say "oh my mother is a bridesmaid, I best not disturb her coz her bitch my friends might get upset".

TheWoleb · 31/08/2021 15:51

@Driftingblue

Your friends sound like those kind of boring people who think the party is more interesting than real life. Some of them will eventually grow up and realize how badly they treated you.
Spending time with your friends when one is getting married is real life. That is an important event and a time to spend with those friends.

The kid had the there parent there. The OP didnt need to be on parent duty because her husband was there. She shouldn't have been running off mid-sentence to see to a child when the other parent was right there.

Original poster
Samafe · 31/08/2021 15:52

Thanks a lot for your comments!

I think it was a mix of things, our first meeting as "the college band is back" after many many years, me being one of the "funniest/wildest" people in they group and now being the first one with kids, everyone looking forward to spend time together....and I was looking forward to it as well! But Reality looked a bit different LOL.

I take the suggestion re: working on being interrupted so often. I will put efforts into improving this.

My DH took care of DS most of them time, during all the bridesmaid duties, during the whole ceremony, all posed pictures....but he was invited as well as a friend of the groom. He also had some rights of enjoying the party and meet his friends. But most of his friends had kids, and no one commented. Also, my DS sometimes "escaped" my DH and came looking for me.

Buggy and bag were NOT part of any official photos. They were only part of the "candid" ones.

I don't think honestly they felt jealous at all, more the Opposite Grin

OP posts:
EL8888 · 31/08/2021 15:53

I can see a lot of this from both sides. Staying up until 4am whilst 8 months pregnant sounds a bit much!

But the constant interruptions from your child would be annoying l can imagine.

You are at different life stages and people need to make allowances for each other e.g. you probably won’t be up for staying up until 4am and they probably won’t want to meet you super early in the morning as it fit in with your child’s nap time

Gimlisaxe · 31/08/2021 15:54

I know! I'm so surprised people think 2 year olds can manage not to interrupt! (Qué a barrage of perfect mother's saying their two year olds never interrupt! 😂)

I might be looking at this differently, but when I had an 18 month old and we went to my sister's wedding, my partner did the majority of looking after, of course there were times when DS ran up to me, chattering away about the seagulls/sea, but that just involved me picking him up and saying mummy is talking, I will be with you in a second.

It does depends whether the OP was consistently being inturrupted and whether the conversation had been had with her husband about him looking after the child or whether they had agreed it was a team effort, or whether she was doing the majority of looking after and also whether she tried to stop her child from inturrupting.

There are alot of questions involved, the only thing so far that is completely unreasonable from the friends is the staying out till 4am and the sitting with them inside, it would be my idea of hell to stay in a crowded bar area when there was less crowded outside seating (but I am antisocial, so that could just be me)

MoonlightApple · 31/08/2021 15:55

I went to a wedding with my toddler recently and he was the only child. He needed a lot of attention as the setting was unfamiliar and there were lots of people. I am also pregnant.

All my friends managed to be understanding that I have to devote more of my time to my child, even the ones without children themselves. Your friends are just lacking in empathy, even if they disagree with your behaviour they should be adult enough to understand it. Hopefully they will grow up.

Icecreamsoda99 · 31/08/2021 15:55

Buggy and bag were NOT part of any official photos. They were only part of the "candid" ones.

Are these friends posting on Instagram OP? If so that be the issue, you ruined the aesthetic Grin

Notstandinguptoday · 31/08/2021 15:57

I’d love to say that they will look back and be mortified one day, but they sound like the type of people who will be utterly self absorbed if they have dc and think you have it easy because yours are a bit older.

Of my four oldest friends, 3 have remained child free and judgemental and the 4th has younger dc who are always at the most difficult stage.

Re the photos- it is absolutely the photographers job to scan for distractions. I’ve worked as a photographers assistant and would have moved the buggy or discreetly repositioned you.

I had to turn down being a matron of honour at my bf’s wedding because it involved travel late in pregnancy, and I had a toddler. I think you were a hero to go.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 31/08/2021 16:01

I bet you both look back on this differently in time:

You will wonder why you were so preoccupied with DS and didn't spend as much time as possible with your friends when your DH was there

They will wonder (and I bet be embarrassed) why on earth they gave a first time (and heavily pregnant) mum such a crap hard time

Hulkynothunky · 31/08/2021 16:07

The OP is 8 months pregnant and went to a wedding abroad. Her friends (and some posters!) should cut her some slack.

Plenty wouldn't have even gone.

ChargingBuck · 31/08/2021 16:07

I am not the same person I was before having kids

No shit?! What - having babies changes a person? Who knew?

I am sorry you apologised to your rude & controlling "friends" OP.
You did nothing wrong, & were not in the least part rude.
They, however, have been rude & weird. Also oddly appropriative about somebody else's wedding - the bride isn't upset with you, & it was her show, not theirs - so why are they taking it upon themselves to upbraid you?

I hope that when they have children, their idiotic "You've changed" remark haunts them. With luck, at 3am, for the umpeenth night feed.

They sound like Mean Girl teenagers OP. Do yourself a favour & back off from these controlling arseholes.

1forAll74 · 31/08/2021 16:14

Your friends were being petty and unpleasant at times, and not switched on to the reality of the differences between you and them. No point in confronting people like this, just feel sorry for them and their lack of manners. So don't dwell on this anymore. You are going to be busy from now on, with more important things to think about.!

Foxmylife · 31/08/2021 16:14

Wow they are horrible! You sound lovelyFlowers

Flatdisco · 31/08/2021 16:16

Wow a lot of assumptions on this thread that the op's friends will want to have children. Not everyone breeds. How embarrassing that pp's suggesting op has so much more in her life.

I think your husband should have been the designated carer of your child for the day. So you didn't have to go off and take care of him. It's one day and not something you will be able to do for a while of you're heavily pregnant.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/08/2021 16:18

I'm not pregnant and no longer have a toddler but no fucking way would I be up til 4am. For anyone.

whynotwhatknot · 31/08/2021 16:19

I wouldnt have ap-ologised they sound reall immature-so what that you dont/cant party till 4am

i wouldnt have stayd up that late either

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 31/08/2021 16:19

@RedHelenB

As you were bridesmaid and 8 months pregnant I think your dh should have done they bulk of caring for the toddler but your friends shouldn't have expected you to totally ignore your son!
I agree with this! I appreciate that you will have needed to help with your son occasionally, but why didn't your DH step up more? You don't need 2 adults to be looing after a toddler simultaneously, so you should have been able to enjoy some proper adult chats with friends while your DH looked after your son.

If your DH was doing that thing where they shrug their shoulders and say "But he wanted you!" while abdicating all responsibility - you have a DH problem.

Also - I'm not sure why the buggy would have needed to be in any of the formal photos?

You weren't unreasonable to leave shortly before midnight though.

sillysmiles · 31/08/2021 16:21

The constant interruptions are what real drive people crazy with toddlers that are not their own - particularly as it sounds as though there wasn't many other kids at the wedding. I think kids at weddings work best when they are part of the family and there are extra people -beyond their parents to look after them.

I think you both failed to see it from the others point of view - but ultimately it was their wedding.
Also, why the hell would you think "meeting for an early breakfast" was a good idea the day after the wedding.

But they are massively unreasonable to expect you at 8months pregnant to stay up until 4am.

idontknowwhyiamasking · 31/08/2021 16:22

You did come off as quite rude.

I would love to hear the friends side of this.
You tell the story with such fake innocence.