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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a rude friend or am I the only mom of the group?

170 replies

Samafe · 31/08/2021 14:49

Last week I was one of the bridesmaids at a wonderful wedding. I am now 8 months pregnant and have a DS which is 2yo. DH was also invited. The wedding was abroad, so I brought my DS with us.

I was the only one with kids amongst my friends at that wedding. (All college friends, last time I saw them all together was pre covid).

As bridesmaid I had few "duties" before, during and after the ceremony and I paid big attention to do everything that was requested - leaving DS to DH so that he would not create any disruption.

The rest of the time, DH and I both looked at DS, which is a very active toddler so he was running around, asking for me etc. I did my best to dedicate time and attention to my friends but often failed because I had to go run after my DS, or help him eat, etc.

Also being 8 months pregnant, I tried to avoid the overcroded areas inside and preferred sitting outside to lower covid risk - while they were always gathering around the wine area which was super loud and crowded.

We left the wedding at 11.45 PM, while the wedding went on until 4 AM with Disco Music etc.

During the day I noticed my friends being irritated by the fact that I had sometimes to cut discussions short because DS was calling me, or irritated because the buggy was "ruining" the pictures, my dress was dirty at the end of the evening because the cake landed on it etc.
Please Note all the comments never came from the bride, only from other guests.

The day after, I contacted my friends if we wanted to meet for breakfast (we were all staying in the same hotel) and they were really cold. We met anyway and they told me I was rude, I was always distracted by my DS, I am not the same person I was before having kids, I should have stayed with them until 4 AM instead of cutting the night short, I was ruining pictures because I was always carring around my purse, I should have sit down with them inside instead of sitting outside in the garden, my bridesmaid dress was a mess etc

I was honestly really surprised to hear that, It was the first time spending time with them since a while, I normally hang out more with other friends with kids and never had problems.

I apologized to them but felt really alone and sad.

I wonder now: was I really rude? Should I have handled this differently?

My DH thinks that once they will have kids they will look back at that wedding night and realize I did the best I could, but I am afraid I am maybe so used to be a mom that I did not realize I was behaving poorly.

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 31/08/2021 16:23

Am I the only person seeing that the 2-yr-old was being totally guestzilla?!

Photo-bombing candid shots with his buggy. Interrupting adult conversations. Spilling cake on bridesmaids dresses. And don't get me started on the killjoy of a foetus! Grin

Motherofalittledragon · 31/08/2021 16:26

Your friends sound ridiculous and quite unpleasant. I don't think I'd want to be friends with people like that.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 31/08/2021 16:29

Sorry OP, these people are horrible, and not good friends. I would be looking for new friends, these people can do one. How dare they say these things to you? You're 8m pregnant fgs, as well has having a small DS to look after!

LBirch02 · 31/08/2021 16:29

2-yr-old was being totally guestzilla?!

This comment made me smile

Hopdathelf · 31/08/2021 16:29

I think everyone expects a toddler to interrupt from time to time, it’s how the parent deals with it that’s key. If you were continually cutting conversations short then it may have come across as rude.

achainisonlyasstrong · 31/08/2021 16:32

I'm surprised about all these comments that a 2 year old interrupting an adult conversation is rude!!!! Or the op is rude for being distracted by her child. Maybe if it's a 5/6 year old but a 2 year old! Surely the op is allowed to be distracted by her child,especially if it's a toddler. Bit annoying for the other guests. But I think they were pretty rude and mean to gang up on you especially when you were doing your best. Also maybe husband did try to control the 2 year old at times, but it's a difficult age to control.

Cabbagewhites · 31/08/2021 16:33

Well, I have been a bridesmaid alongside two mum bridesmaids in the past, both of whom had 2-4 year olds.

On both occasions I honestly forgot they were parents. Their DH handled the child/ren all day and took them hime when it was time.

A bridesmaid’s primary role at the wedding is to be a bridesmaid and a member of the wedding party, not being “mum”. Priority is the help the bride and to facilitate the event and generally be present and a part of what is going on. Not sitting outside with your toddler.

Sounds like your DH should have stayed home with your toddler to free you up so you could be bridesmaid.

Lokdok · 31/08/2021 16:34

I was definitely on your side but the buggy should have been nowhere near pictures. I took blankets that matched my two year old when I was a bridesmaid and made him a bed under the table for naps. Also you should have really kept your dress clean, although I know that's not always possible with a two year old, but until all bridesmaid duties were done, DH should really have taken care of him - especially when food was involved! In retrospect, you should have probably said no to being a bridesmaid as you were too distracted by your child. They can't expect you to ignore him completely though and they were rude!

seaandsandcastles · 31/08/2021 16:35

You’re just at different life stages, that’s all.

Buggies aren’t attractive. Nobody wants them in photos, official or candid. Other people’s kids aren’t interesting, they’re just irritating, especially so if you’re trying to have a conversation and they’re interrupting.

This is why kids don’t belong at weddings tbh. They just get in the way.

Friendofdennis · 31/08/2021 16:36

I admire you for still attempting the role of bridesmaid. You are heavily pregnant and have a toddler. I couldn’t have done that. They have no idea

Maassi · 31/08/2021 16:39

I think you were rude. Yes you have mean friends but understandable that they wanted to let their hair down with you as one of the wild ones. Very very few young people who don't have kids understand what its like to be a parent. All that was needed to be said by you was that you were tired and not up for late night partying. Instead you chose to sit by yourself outside? Also your problem is a DH who cant control a toddler.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 31/08/2021 16:48

@Hopdathelf

I think everyone expects a toddler to interrupt from time to time, it’s how the parent deals with it that’s key. If you were continually cutting conversations short then it may have come across as rude.
This is totally right.

Kids try to interrupt, it's what they do. But not every parent will drop the conversation just because their child wants them to.

sonjadog · 31/08/2021 16:50

I think some of their requested are unreasonable, such as the staying up until 4am, but I think it sounds like your DH should have done a lot more of the childcare. Even if you are both invited, you are the one who is a bridesmaid and should have been able to focus on that rather than looking after a toddler for one day.

listentomydeclaration · 31/08/2021 16:51

Was your DS actually invited? That part isn't clear?

And buggies in photographs would annoy me too.

AryaStarkWolf · 31/08/2021 16:54

I'm with your DH, they have no clue until they have kids themselves

DammedifIdo · 31/08/2021 16:56

I think you did a stellar job! Travel abroad 8 months pregnant with a toddler. All the duties, up on your feet. Of course your toddler will need you, especially in a new environment and because he is tiny.
Your friends are unreasonable and uncaring. I'm surprised more posters aren't acknowledging what you achieved and are looking for faults. Don't nitpick but look at the overall picture to see what is "reasonable". You've been a great friend

Pipsquiggle · 31/08/2021 16:56

So you are at different stages in your lives - do any of your friends have children? If not, they will not understand.

Were there any other children at the wedding?
If there weren't, your son will have stuck out like a sore thumb. Much as we love our children, at that age they are demanding and will just barge in - literally- on any conversation and it will be irritating to those who do not have children.

Before taking young children to any wedding, I would strongly suggest finding out how 'child friendly' the wedding will be. This definitely sounded like an adult centred occasion and, even if your child was invited, I would have suggested leaving him with his grandparents so you and your husband could have had a good catch up with your friends uninterrupted.

Buggies in any wedding photos - formal or informal - aren't great.

How early did you contact your friends for breakfast if they were up until 4am? Being woken up by a text would have pissed me off.

OP - I don't think you were being rude, I think you were naive.
I don't think you have considered where your friends are in their lives and whether bringing your DS was the wisest move - your childless friends have no interest in your DS.
For this reason, I prefer NOT to take my DC to weddings as I want to catch up with friends who I haven't seen in a long time and focus on them not be distracted by a child.

Genuine query - I thought you couldn't fly at 8 months - have the guidelines changed now?

Biancadelrioisback · 31/08/2021 16:56

I was the first in my group of friends to have kids and now the last one is having her first. The whole dynamic slowly changed, at first I was a bit left out then as the others slowly joined me in the mum corner and we dominated the group it became more family friendly. It's sad because I really miss the old dynamic prekids, but we just have to wait it out until they're older if we want that back.

They were rude. You were being a mum.

Biancadelrioisback · 31/08/2021 16:57

The best thing about other parent friends is the ability to hold several conversations at once

PurpleDaisies · 31/08/2021 16:58

So you are at different stages in your lives - do any of your friends have children? If not, they will not understand.

Yes. People without children are all clueless idiots. Hmm

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 31/08/2021 17:00

Genuine query - I thought you couldn't fly at 8 months - have the guidelines changed now?

The OP hasn't said that she flew, I don't think? There are plenty of places abroad that you can travel to by car/ferry/train.

2bazookas · 31/08/2021 17:00

In years to come, those who have children will blush with shame to remember what they said about you.

You and DP did fine. Enjoy your new baby, you sound like lovely parents.

PurpleDaisies · 31/08/2021 17:00

This narrative that childless women are all one homogeneous group with exactly same interest in and understanding of children is ridiculous.

spooney21 · 31/08/2021 17:02

I think as you were part of the wedding party your dh should have taken full responsibility of your dc. If dc wanted you, dh could've distracted him/ taken him for a walk. I'd be pissed off if my dc kept running to me whilst carrying out bm duties while he sat chatting etc. Tbh I probably would've tried to get dc minded. I have never taken my dc to a friends wedding. Always family wedding obviously. Also Why did you have to feed your dc?? Could your dh not do it?

The other points are a bit ridiculous though.

slashlover · 31/08/2021 17:03

@godmum56

I see a bit of left behind jealousy here....NOT absolutely not from the OP. Because you have moved on to another stage.....you have got more in your life, more of worth, than the teenage "looks are everything and party all night" thing. That's fine...it never stops being fine if you want it but you have got more and its maybe something they wish they had.
Yes, my life is so empty and worthless because I decided not to have kids.
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