Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a rude friend or am I the only mom of the group?

170 replies

Samafe · 31/08/2021 14:49

Last week I was one of the bridesmaids at a wonderful wedding. I am now 8 months pregnant and have a DS which is 2yo. DH was also invited. The wedding was abroad, so I brought my DS with us.

I was the only one with kids amongst my friends at that wedding. (All college friends, last time I saw them all together was pre covid).

As bridesmaid I had few "duties" before, during and after the ceremony and I paid big attention to do everything that was requested - leaving DS to DH so that he would not create any disruption.

The rest of the time, DH and I both looked at DS, which is a very active toddler so he was running around, asking for me etc. I did my best to dedicate time and attention to my friends but often failed because I had to go run after my DS, or help him eat, etc.

Also being 8 months pregnant, I tried to avoid the overcroded areas inside and preferred sitting outside to lower covid risk - while they were always gathering around the wine area which was super loud and crowded.

We left the wedding at 11.45 PM, while the wedding went on until 4 AM with Disco Music etc.

During the day I noticed my friends being irritated by the fact that I had sometimes to cut discussions short because DS was calling me, or irritated because the buggy was "ruining" the pictures, my dress was dirty at the end of the evening because the cake landed on it etc.
Please Note all the comments never came from the bride, only from other guests.

The day after, I contacted my friends if we wanted to meet for breakfast (we were all staying in the same hotel) and they were really cold. We met anyway and they told me I was rude, I was always distracted by my DS, I am not the same person I was before having kids, I should have stayed with them until 4 AM instead of cutting the night short, I was ruining pictures because I was always carring around my purse, I should have sit down with them inside instead of sitting outside in the garden, my bridesmaid dress was a mess etc

I was honestly really surprised to hear that, It was the first time spending time with them since a while, I normally hang out more with other friends with kids and never had problems.

I apologized to them but felt really alone and sad.

I wonder now: was I really rude? Should I have handled this differently?

My DH thinks that once they will have kids they will look back at that wedding night and realize I did the best I could, but I am afraid I am maybe so used to be a mom that I did not realize I was behaving poorly.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 31/08/2021 14:52

I am not the same person I was before having kids

Your DH is correct. Try not to take it to heart meanwhile. You have kids now and they are your priority.

Some of your friends will understand better in time.

Echobelly · 31/08/2021 14:53

Uhm, they are being totally unreasonable and extremely childish and unpleasant?

Expecting an 8-months-pregnant woman to be out partying all night, slagging her off for changing after having a child and for such terrible behaviour as 'carrying a purse'. What nasty people.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/08/2021 14:54

You’re friends sound ridiculous!

girlmom21 · 31/08/2021 14:55

You were a mother before you were a bridesmaid and they invited you as a bridesmaid knowing that you're also mother to a toddler.

If they can't accept your priorities are different to theirs that's their issue.

Hopdathelf · 31/08/2021 14:57

Some of their points were totally unreasonable. However the following also stood out to me as you being rude: During the day I noticed my friends being irritated by the fact that I had sometimes to cut discussions short because DS was calling me

Waspsarearseholes · 31/08/2021 14:58

Some 'friends'! This reflects badly on them, not you.

Eskarina1 · 31/08/2021 14:58

Even pre kids, my friends wouldn't have been irritated with me if my dress got accidentally dirty, I wasn't up for staying out til 4am or I didn't look picture perfect. And if one of us was outside because they couldn't comfortably be inside, we'd be outside too. My friends are people I can be myself with.

So I don't think it's that you were rude or that you're a mum, they just sound like the kind of friends it's easy to outgrow

Rocktheboat87 · 31/08/2021 15:01

Okay firstly you must be thinking am I a bad person, what did I do and that's not right. So you are now a parent, you have better things to do. Imagine what they would say if you ignored your DS and just did your duties. They'd be thinking what a terrible mother.

You not only had to look after your son but does some pretty straining things. I guess your friends selfishly just expected you to not only fly over, perform all these duties but also entertain them with 100% of your time.

I sense it's because you are further down the path in life and they are still playing the single, unmarried and not ready to settle down role so how could they relate. May be it's even their own issues because they felt oh god she's gone, who do I talk to now what do I do?

I'd like to think they at least took the time to be interested and go oh wow, you have kids and then the usual. I'm hoping to have kids sometime, what's it like etc.

We also do change a lot as we grow up. My friends mother said to him that your school friends are only for school and I see that now. We change a lot as we age. Certainly our interests and priorities do.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2021 15:02

I agree that expecting you to be up until 4am pregnant is batshit and they will look back in horror. But you do need to watch the interrupting kid issue. I taught mine that my hand on her shoulder meant I'd heard and would listen but after I'd finished listening to my friend. Worked most of the time!

roundtable · 31/08/2021 15:02

You're not the same person probably.
You're priorities have changed and that's okay.

Sounds like you did the best you could and I m impressed that a 8 months pregr you stayed up so late!

I agree with dh, but I don't understand why your friends are so bothered by it unless there's more to the story. Or they're not very good friends.

Either way, you've apologised (I'm not convinced you should have done from your op) so hopefully it'll be behind you now

Maybe have a catch up with the bride after she is back from honeymoon. Check she understands. Sorry you went through that. It must have been unsettling.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/08/2021 15:09

Some of it is ridiculous, a lot of people can't party til 4am anyway let alone someone who is 8 months pregnant with a toddler! Ans its understandable you wanted to stay outside because of the covid risk.

But yes I'd probably be annoyed at being interrupted by a toddler when their other parent was there to look after them as well and I dont think many people would want a buggy or a bag in wedding pictures (if they are talking about official wedding pictures - if it was candid photos of guests then you take them as you find them) and his dad was there to help him eat etc

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/08/2021 15:10

I think it doesnt matter what they think only the

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/08/2021 15:10

Bride

Feelingmardy · 31/08/2021 15:12

They sound really immature. If they have kids, they will be in for a nasty wake-up call.

annacondom · 31/08/2021 15:13

Your DH is right. You have moved on with your life and your friends have yet to catch up. Maybe they are a bit resentful at this. They sound cliquey and lacking in experience or understanding.

DrManhattan · 31/08/2021 15:14

They sound rude to me. Dont worry about it.
It's nuts to expect you to stay up until 4 a.m. they need to grow up

Gimlisaxe · 31/08/2021 15:17

For me personally if you were bridesmaid, then I would have expected your husband to do the majority of the looking after of your toddler.

The staying out till 4am is batshit, I am not 8 months pregnant and I don't think I could do that at 30 (let alone now)

Also your husband is right, you have changed you have a child and one on the way, life is different now

MistyFrequencies · 31/08/2021 15:19

I mean, they sound like bitches but also you were a bit rude- why let your child interrupt conversation? Or more importantly, why is your DH letting him? My DH would be doing everything possible to make sure I enjoyed myself and he would mind the kid, feed them etc. If your husband's there you really shouldn't have had to be chasing the kid that much. So I'm 50:50 on this one.

godmum56 · 31/08/2021 15:21

I see a bit of left behind jealousy here....NOT absolutely not from the OP. Because you have moved on to another stage.....you have got more in your life, more of worth, than the teenage "looks are everything and party all night" thing. That's fine...it never stops being fine if you want it but you have got more and its maybe something they wish they had.

EsmeeMerlin · 31/08/2021 15:22

I do think your friends are a little unreasonable. You do change when you have children and there is no way you can last until 4am 8 months pregnant.

However you do sound rude as well. If your dh was there, then there is absolutely no reason why you had to keep seeing to your ds. Certainly the getting distracted in the middle of a conversation was extremely rude of you, as is having the buggy in pictures. Personally I think you should have left your ds to your dh more than you did. If you know you are going to get distracted by your ds then you could have left him at home with his dad.

Disintegration1985 · 31/08/2021 15:24

Sounds like you did a great job of juggling bridesmaids duties AND looking after your child AND managing being heavily pregnant. If it was my wedding, I'd just be pleased you attended and did the bare minimum.

Were you supposed to leave your DS in a hotel room so you could sip Diet Coke and watch everyone else get wasted until 4am? [eyeroll]

If it was me, I'd be tempted to send them a message to tell them that they're completely unreasonable - but I also hate not being able to have my say Wink but otherwise your DH is right, take a biiiiiig step back from them and one day they'll realise how ridiculous they were.

PurpleDaisies · 31/08/2021 15:25

@godmum56

I see a bit of left behind jealousy here....NOT absolutely not from the OP. Because you have moved on to another stage.....you have got more in your life, more of worth, than the teenage "looks are everything and party all night" thing. That's fine...it never stops being fine if you want it but you have got more and its maybe something they wish they had.
Ffs. Why is everything always put down to “jealousy”? Why can’t they just be immature and a bit thoughtless?

Your dh let you down when he was supposed to be looking after your toddler. The going home early thing was nuts and unrelated to you being pregnant/having a kid. I understand not wanting a buggy in wedding photos.

TheWoleb · 31/08/2021 15:26

Why were you pushing the buggy around with you when your husband was there? The buggy shouldn't have been in the photos.

Candid photos taken randomly are different, but if anyone was doing posted photos of you all together, getting ready, with the bride or after the ceremony then you shouldn't have has the buggy.

You also shouldn't be interrupting conversations to go and entertain a toddler when his dad is there.

Those are the only rude things.

RedHelenB · 31/08/2021 15:26

As you were bridesmaid and 8 months pregnant I think your dh should have done they bulk of caring for the toddler but your friends shouldn't have expected you to totally ignore your son!

Libraryghost · 31/08/2021 15:27

They sound rude and unreasonable. However one thing I have noticed and it really gets riled me is when 2 adults are talking and the toddler interrupts contstantly and the parent doesn’t correct them. Maybe times have changed but I would only have interrupted my mother of my head was on fire. You can’t expect parents of young kids to be the same though, your life has changed